the.codeartistic.ninja

I make works of interactive art, such as games, music videos and other types of interactive experiences for the web.. Homepage: the.codeartistic.ninja

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Name changes and tar pits

I've changed my online username from codeartistic.ninja to poetic android.. It should be a little bit easier for people to pronounce, and I feel it's a bit more descriptive of my artistic self..

Just as things started to pick up, the summer heat seems to be slowing me down.. Or maybe I'd just like to blame my procrastination on something else but myself.. I've spent most of my time either on my couch or on YouTube.. I'm starting to taper down my Sertraline in hopes that it will leave me more room for enthusiasm..

I know this is a short post, but.. yea.. not much to talk about..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Things are going pretty well, thank you

The renovations are over and I finally have my apartment to myself! It's been a bit of a struggle to get the place put back together and get into a healthy routine again after being confined to my couch.. I still struggle to stay away from the couch and nap for hours.. It seems no matter how I arrange my medicine schedule, I still feel drowsy throughout the day..

Despite sleeping all day, I still managed to make progress on my fantasy internet project.. I just released version 0.1 of CyberTerminal, which is pretty much feature complete for now.. Now all that's left is making websites for it to connect to..

Luckily I managed to gather a group of people on Discord, who are interested in the project! The fantasy internet wouldn't really work out, if I was the only one using it.. And it's always gratifying when other people show interest in what you love to do.. :)

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Living the hobo life

Sorry for the late update.. things have been a bit messy these past weeks..

My apartment is being renovated and has been for the last 3 weeks.. It appears I need my entire dormer replaced and not just the window as I first thought.. So I had to move all my stuff aside to make room for the workers.. Having only one room, it didn't leave much living space for myself, so I felt more or less homeless..

It's times like these that I am grateful for having a loving and supportive family.. I am thankful to my mother and sister for their patience, letting me stay at their places for a few weeks.. ❤

Fortunately I have had time to develop my CyberTerminal to the point where it is pretty much ready for testing.. :)

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Rough start

So I've finally started on my fantasy console project called CyberTerminal and have been streaming my progress (and lack thereof) on Twitch.. :)

So far nothing really interesting to show yet.. I've just been laying the ground foundation for now.. I've also been stuck on some road block along the way, most notably how hard it is to sandbox javascript in javascript!

So some changes had to be made to my original plan.. Perhaps for the better! Instead of running javascript, my console will be running WebAssembly(aka wasm).. maybe.. The thing is, I'm completely new to wasm, so I have a great deal to learn.. And what I've learned so far is that, you can't just run any wasm the same way.. So further study is needed to see if this is a viable option or if I just need to find another way to sandbox javascript.. or maybe even write my own language..?

But things are finally moving.. slowly, but forward..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

The system froze

I participated in the Fantasy Console Game Jam, but I didn't really manage to make more than an engine..

I did livestream the whole development process (quietly as usual), but for some reason I just couldn't stay in the flow for long enough to get the project done..

Also winter has finally arrived, so I haven't really been keeping up with my morning walks lately.. Subzero temperatures kinda takes the joy out of it..

Seems like I need less and less of an excuse to just drop on the couch and nap the day away.. I hate it..

I'd like to blame my lack of motivation on my medicine, but at the same time I can't help thinking.. what if it's my own fault..?

[codeartisticninja-blog]

I’m doing it live!

I've been doing some live streaming on Twitch lately.. I still suck at it, but I'm slowly getting used to it..

Those who know me in person, know that I'm a pretty silent guy.. I don't usually speak unless I feel comfortable with the topic or the person I'm talking to.. And talking when I'm alone in the room just adds another layer of awkwardness.. I've been looking for ways to slowly ween myself into speaking more on stream.. But maybe the only way is to not worry so much and "just do it"!

I have been taking morning walks (pretty much) every day to keep myself in shape.. It's kinda nice to just walk around in your own thoughts for an hour.. And while it gives me a little boost to get my day started, I still can't stop napping on the couch..

I want to get started on my Fantasy Console project soon, but I would also like to take people along for the ride and be more engaging..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

A new year, a new beginning

2017 is over and I finished my last two games just in time to spend a nice peaceful Christmas and New Year's Eve with my family..

Looking back at the games I've made, I see the ups and downs I've been through this past year.. Dealing with negativity, anxiety, anti-depressants, procrastination, creative block, new feelings etc...

I had a slight incident recently that made me temporarily unable to use my legs.. I was admitted to the hospital and was made aware that I need to take better care of my body.. To do more exercise and eat healthy..

Now that I've finished my year long challenge, my chronic contentment seems to have taken over.. My sertraline dose was increased, which seems to blend my emotions into a bland contentment smoothie.. My couch has become more attractive than ever before.. I'm starting to miss my anxiety..

So what do I do now..? What do I want to spend 2018 doing..?

Earlier I mentioned something about a fantasy console I wanted to make.. I've already played around with other consoles like PICO-8 and TIC-80.. It brings me back to my childhood when I was messing around with old microcomputers like the ZX Spectrum and Commodore computers..

I've also been thinking about doing some live streaming.. It might help me stay productive on a regular schedule, talk to people and maybe build a community..

So.. My battle against procrastination continues.. On top of that, I now also have exercise, healthy eating, fantasy consoles and live streaming to keep me busy.. That's quite a lot to deal with all at once.. But it all seems necessary..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Pleasure vs reward

It's hard to get used to a world of hopes, dreams and rewards, coming from a world of worry, duty and risk.. The saber-toothed tiger has been chased away.. The bed is nice and warm.. Why even get up..?

It's been quite a battle trying to get things done.. It's just so much easier and more pleasant to lie on the couch/bed and just surrender myself to the soothing sertraline buzz.. My tolerance for idleness seems limitless..

But after a lot of postponing and procrastination, I finally managed to clean up my apartment, which has been long overdue.. :) Planning my days a week ahead seems to help prepare me for the future (even if I keep postponing it)..

Now I just have two more games to get done before the year is over.. Hopefully I can get them done before Christmas, so I can spend time and relax together with friends and family.. :)

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Got carrot?

It's just emotions

It's really weird.. Ever since I began taking Sertraline, it's like a whole new world I now have to get used to.. Now suddenly I have all these feelings that I don't really know how to deal with.. The anxiety is still there, but now I seem to try to avoid it rather than confront it..

The anxiety that once discouraged me from wasting my life, now seems drowned out by these more pleasant feelings.. It's dangerously easy to just give in to procrastination and not really feel ashamed about it..

I guess now I have to rely more on carrot than stick to get my motivation back..

Another thing that have occupied my mind lately, is an idea for a new fantasy console project.. I'm kinda excited about it and want to just dive right into it, but I've come so far in my 1GAM challenge and I don't want to make a habit of not finishing what I've started.. I only have to make 3 more games before new years to complete the challenge! After that, I can do something more exciting.. :)

hope that's enough carrot to keep me going for now..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Strange new sense of normality

It's strange.. I used to think my anxiety would help me.. Remind me where I needed to challenge myself.. I either felt anxious or nothing.. Now suddenly, for some reason, I decided to take anti-depressants to get rid of the anxiety.. Well it's not really just "some reason".. It's mostly just to prevent any future panic attacks..

Maybe it's just my imagination, but after taking the medication for almost a month now, I feel strangely ... normal.. I think.. I mean, I can't really remember when I last felt like this, whatever "this" is.. Seems like so many years ago..

It's like a strange sense of subtle spontaneous optimism.. and I don't quite know what to do with it..

In other news

I've gotten support from some of my other neighbors dealing with my noisy neighbor.. The house rules got amended so residents are required to be extra respectful to each other, especially at night.. Even if I'm not likely to have panic attacks again, it's still pretty annoying to have techno music banging through the thin wall from next door..

Also I've been summoned for job evaluation.. I used to be terrified of these meetings, being judged and forced into some random job that means nothing to me.. I don't know how I will react this time; how the medicine will affect me..

I just hope my optimism persists.. I'm probably gonna need it..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Getting better

Sorry for the long silence.. A lot of stuff has been happening the last couple months.. had another panic attack triggered by my noisy neighbor, so I've spent a lot of time away from my apartment and together with family.. Also I've started taking medication for my anxiety which takes a while to work.. So I guess things are starting to lighten up a bit..

I think my game development is also starting to improve slightly.. I've put a bit more effort into my latest game.. It's still very much in the "artsy" genre of (anti-)games, but some people seem to like it..

I guess it can only get better from here..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

I call this piece: "Panic attack"

Danger everywhere

Another low effort game, inspired by a recent incident with my neighbor where I had a panic attack..

I don't quite know what to make of my therapy yet.. I've only been to one session so far.. But I guess it gave me a new perspective on things..

For a long time I figured I could best get to know myself by being alone.. But I guess I can only get so far without external feedback.. But to get feedback I have to make myself noticeable.. I'm not good at that..

Only problem right now is I need to move somewhere else.. I don't feel quite safe where I live now.. I can't really get anywhere if I don't feel safe anywhere.. I need to be able to turn the chaos on and off..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Anx

I'm not really sure how to describe this past 1½ months.. I was so sure I could just pick up where I left off before the LDjam.. But that hasn't happened..

Instead I used most of the month coding my own game engine.. Mostly because I just felt like it.. I didn't really need to make one, but I guess it's kinda nice to have an engine you have 100% control over.. And it's not like it took the entire month.. I had plenty time to make a somewhat descent game with it as well..

But I fell into the trap of doing what I know best: coding.. Apparently I wasn't up for the challenge to improve my art or writing skills.. All I could come up with was an unfunny joke..

It feels terrible.. It kinda feels like I'm back to square one.. I don't know.. Maybe anxiety isn't such a good thing after all..

I'm starting therapy soon.. Maybe that will help..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Ludum Restless

As usual I spent most of the month trying to come up with game ideas.. I was thinking about maybe my moments of anxiety and how they remind me of what's important in life.. I also had an idea of the style of the game..

Then Ludum Dare 38 came around! So I decided to put the game on pause and spend the weekend with a friend making another little game together while also keeping an eye on a 8 month old baby.. :p We were brave enough to try out pico-8, threw together a little basic game engine and came up with a story about a dead guy haunting his friends in the afterlife..

Restless in a small world

So yea.. That became the game of April, which means I can continue on the previous game idea this month.. Good to have a head start on the planning for once.. :)

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Writing stories is very ___

The game for the month of March is now out: The ___ adventure of ___. This is a more silly game compared to the previous games I made.. The story was kind of a challenge to write, since I didn't have any idea about the setting and characters, because that's provided by the player.. But that's kinda the point of these mad libs games, to create a silly story and I had to learn to embrace that and let go of control..

I guess that's a pretty general problem when it comes to writing interactive stories vs regular linear stories.. You never really know what the player wants to do and it doesn't always fit into the story you want to tell..

Coming up with ideas and develop them is something I still have a lot of trouble with.. I got the mad libs idea pretty late and didn't quite know how to pull it off before the very end.. And I'm still not quite sure I did, but that's for you to decide.. I need to get better at testing out ideas as early as possible and have more time to execute and refine it..

Another common problem seems to be concentration or "getting in the zone".. I seem to get distracted a lot especially by watching YouTube.. It kinda works like a drug, a comfortable escape from the real world where comfort doesn't always come when you need it.. I would rather be more comfortable with making games than watching videos.. I am rather comfortable at least when it comes to code.. Even when there are hurdles and challenges to overcome, it just makes it more engaging.. I wish I could feel the same when it comes to the more creative stuff..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Spend work, earn time..?

Just in the nick of time, I managed to "finish" my latest game, Some day.. But not because it took me all month to make.. In fact it took at most 3 days.. Which is probably why it doesn't seem like much of a game, but maybe more like an e-book with background music..

So what did I do the rest of the month..? Well.. watching YouTube mostly.. but I did also make some improvements to the story engine, which made it possible to create little mini-games to the story.. So essentially I added a game engine to the story engine..

Sadly, I spent so much time perfecting the game engine (and watching YouTube) that when it was time to create the artwork and story, I didn't know if I could make it in time with the limited art skills I had.. So I procrastinated until just a few days before deadline when I basically cranked out a story and a few pixelart pictures to go with it..

Procrastination aside, I still feel like I learned something.. In the last few days, it basically became an exercise in minimalism.. I had to boil the concept down to its very essence, which meant I didn't get to use the game engine I spent so much time on.. And in spite of rushing the artwork, it didn't turn out like total crap.. (only a little..)

I think the biggest mistake I did was probably to start with the easiest/most comfortable task, which for me is coding.. Had I started with the artwork, I would have time to experiment and fail more..

It's easier to succeed on your 10th try than on your first..

[codeartisticninja-blog]

Better to fail than never try

It's been a while since my last blog post.. Sorry about that.. I think I just needed a break and get a fresh perspective on things.. In the last few months a lot of discouraging stuff has happened around the world, but that's just more reason to stay strong and determined.. It's no use giving in to despair.. No use giving up..

I always seem to get back to that axiom.. Nothing I do is a guaranteed success, but giving up is always a guaranteed failure..

I want to make a game a month. I've tried that once before, but a new year has just started so I thought I'd make it a challenge to make 12 games before the end of the year.. I'll try to go easy on myself and find a format or workflow that allows me to make and finish a game as quickly as possible..

I've already made the game for January, The Adaptor, which is a choice based text adventure game.. I always wanted to make story based games and this is the first I've made..

So that makes it the third game in my portfolio.. Three games in over a year.. Yea, seems like a steep hill to climb to get to 12 in a year.. Then again, each of these games didn't take a month to make..

I may not have progressed much, but because I've tried and failed so many things, I know much more about myself than I did before.. As long as I'm learning, I will never give up..