I recently saw a TED talk about the best techniques to flirt with someone. It was presented by Jean Smith, who has studied flirting for decades, and who founded Flirtology. I took notes, because I figured I could use it in my writing. And I’d like to share it with you.
She uses the acronym H.O.T. A.P.E. to teach her checklist of things people do when they flirt:
So, what does this mean for my (and your) characters?
Humor: You can let your character tease their love interest, and there’s always banter of course, but they can also use a little joke to break the ice if they’ve just met or to get the love interest on their side. Humor doesn’t always have to be verbal (although it may be easier to write), it can also take the form of facial expressions or body language.
Open body language: Don’t cross your character’s arms, don’t hunch their shoulders, don’t stuff their hands in their pockets, don’t turn their upper body away from the love interest.
Touch: You can let your character lightly touch the love interest’s upper arm or elbow after they made a joke, or touch their shoulder or back when they have to walk past behind them if there is not much space. Even a pat on the shoulder (”sure, honey”) or a high five can be flirting in the right situations, especially if your character is not touchy-feely. Normal touching lasting a bit longer than usual (especially combined with eye contact) can be flirting as well. Be careful to stay away from groping and other touching that is not consented. Giving (or even offering) someone an unrequested massage or trailing their fingers through the love interest’s hair or similar things are not flirting, it’s sexual harrassment. Stick with safe body parts to touch.
Attention: On a basic level, it means your character is not paying too much attention to other people or happenings, but only to the love interest. If you’re really interested in someone, they take up all your thoughts. Don’t let your character look around and notice too many things outside of the conversation, because they’re enthralled by the love interest. Also, see eye contact.
Proximity: Don’t stand on the other side of the room, but let your character stay close to the love interest, show up whereever they are, or stand just outside of the border of their personal space. Again, stay away from behavior that would make someone feel uncomfortable.
Eye contact: Perhaps the most well-known sign of flirting. It’s partly to show that the love interest’s got all their attention, but also an extra way to communicate. Let your character follow the love interest with their gaze, let them wink, laugh and wrinkle their eyes, or roll their eyes over something they shared earlier.
Source: The TED talk and H.O.T. A.P.E. are Jean Smith’s. The writing advice is mine.
I hope this was helpful and this inspires you! Don’t hesitate to ask me any questions. Now you go write some flirting!
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