Fear of meditation! FML

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Fear of meditation! FML
Superwoman is back... about time!
I forgot how much training changes me and clears my mind making me the truth in things and people. Sadly I wish I could say I see more good but all I see more clear are the fakes of this world. This time I keep my mouth shut in all cases let people live their lie and I will live my truth. No more anger save that for training. No more pressure will save that for deadlines. No more care will save that for those who deserve it.. shall I continue?
Today was good tomorrow will be even better so much to learn and do in so little time and I need to fit sleep into this somehow? Need to learn how to manage time better and need to step back focus on those who do not give me their time or at least only when it's they feel they have nothing better to do. Hard days still ahead I am sure ad seeing people in this way again will only give me more time to focus on what really matters.
Busy day again tomorrow I don't like chaos but I can learn to live with moments of it, its not like I have a choice about that in my situation,
One month for things to turn upside down, inside out and fuck me up 200% and not one person in this world knows the full story. There's no one to turn to anymore that really gives a shit. From now on just going to smile and say I am ok just doesn't matter anymore. Time to get use to this feeling will sort things each time a small part of me dies.
So its bedtime I decide to meditate for the first time in a very long long time. Had a rough very emotional night again binging on the worst foods possible to kill all cravings one last time before i start another part of my journey feeling off. I get things quiet, kids are resting and its dark and cold so I grab my blanket tossing it over my shoulders. The fuzzy warmth makes me more relaxed. Crossing my legs and I close my eyes keeping a good posture I am instantly taken out of this world. I am now in a dark creepy forest walking down this crooked path, the trees are bare and all of this I am still not afraid. My world begins to spin as ifI just drank a few too many drinks and it wont stop. I find myself standing on those playground merry-go-rounds in the middle of this forest. I want off... Im screaming and no one is around to hear my cries. What do I do? So I say to myself its time for change and I jump. I begin to fly backwards off into the air but I dont fall yet i continue to fly back looking where i have just jumped from. I now begin reaching for the old bare trees to try to grab a hold of something, anything I don't want to fall, I dont want to get hurt I dont want to die, and im scared I feel lost and alone just crying for help..... I am now back to this world I open my eyes now its time to accept things
Lack of sleep... gosh I really hate sleeping alone! Coffee in one hand and 1/2 an emotional mess. This is more so a journal entry now to me because there's just no one to talk to and no one I realize ever see my shit so its like im invisible... yeah I need a boost, I need to be grounded along so many other things and it's just not going to happen anytime soon.
The moment I just want to slap you because these little games of ours when you can just come to me and lean on me. I hope you read this because I don't know how to just say the shit I think to you yet. If we couldn't be more then you are still everything to me! I am here and not going anywhere I made that mistake once before and regret it to the fullest. Open up because I care! I love you and no matter what happens that love just wants the best outcome for you <3
If you love them then let them go, if they love you then they will return... bullshit! enough said! Never will walk away like that again.
What do you do when you can't sleep but so tired... coffee, chocolate... got it... now to keep myself entertained... movies, drawing study... if i can't get over the issue I may as well make the best out of a situation. Why must I be afraid to ask... fear of a rejection or no response?
there's this guy... and he is so important to me that i will be whatever he needs me to be but he just don't understand how much I care no matter how many times I say it or attempt to prove it!
What do you want from me?