lucanis mentions in veilguard that he has a pet snake, but he doesn't give the snake a name. however, i know in my heart that the snake's name is illario. please come on a journey with me to consider a scenario:
lucanis wants a pet but crows don't do that sort of thing but he can have a pet if it's a snake because that's not a pet that's a little venom machine :) it's even kind of like a tiny wyvern if you squint right :)
and caterina is like ok you can have a snake 👍 but don't like love it or get attached to it or anything. absolutely do Not give it a name do not embarrass this house
and lucanis is like ok yes i can do this and of course decides he Must name the snake. he will die on the spot if the snake is not named, by him
but it can't be like a Real Name because what if he says it loud and then gets caught Loving The Snake (i am picturing lucanis in his teens which is fine some snakes can live up like 30-60 years)
so he names the snake illario because if he accidentally refers to the snake by its name he can just pretend he's talking about human illario
(the unforseen outcome of this is that he is now in danger of calling his cousin human illario, which is a really normal thing to call your cousin around people who don't know what you named your snake)
snake illario (snillario if you will) is not like human illario. snake illario doesn't complain about lucanis's dossiers. snake illario is happy to do his part as a crow (making venom for lucanis's poisons). snake illario doesn't care that lucanis never says no to caterina. snake illario would never make fun of lucanis for being a virgin. human illario may have done this a time or two. or ten. or twenty.
it is so crucial to me that human illario Hates This Snake. he's like, why would you own a pet snake. what kind of freaky shit is happening in that snake enclosure oh EW andraste's holy cabbage cousin is that a fucking MOUSE (wigmaker job illario is infamously fussy and squeamish). the very first time he sees that snake unhinge his jaw he is done with snakes forever for the rest of eternity. get a cat or something, freak. the snake is not the reason illario decides to kill lucanis but it doesn't have nothing to do with it either
meanwhile, lucanis is so happy because snake illario doesn't fight with him about who is going to be first talon or whether or not he should quit being a crow. snake illario is just happy to be here. snake illario accepts displays of affection (the display of affection involves dead mice). it's kind of like getting to cook for human illario without all the complicated emotions. snillario is the best thing that's ever happened to him
anyway and then illario pays to have his cousin killed and while lucanis is presumed dead and in the ossuary, out of cousinly guilt human illario tries to feed snake illario like one (1) time and then immediately decides he has enough money to pay to have this done but there is not enough money in the world to get him to touch a dead mouse
and even after lucanis gets back from the ossuary illario never finds out what the snake's name is.
here is an artistic depiction of snillario by my good friend @maulthots
thanks for coming to my ted talk.
