[oldassaccount-blog]

“Maybe. Depends on how long I’m here, I think.” Already he knew it had been too long, but measuring exact time had never been something of interest to him; a timeless being had no need for a concept meant for those who lived and breathed its influence. He didn’t like unknowns, never had and never would, but those crafted by himself, by time, were easier to swallow down than those created by those around him. “Can’t say I’d expect much of that around here. It seems like a serious place,” he said, retreated another inch or so into himself to ponder over where he’d been funny. Realization wound up its fist in preparation to smack him, pouting as he reached the conclusion for himself, without its help – what a violent little thing it was. It would have to be faster next time. Dismissing it from his headspace with an invisible smirk, he pulled the lever to direct his thought train back onto a different set of tracks. Collin had probably thought he’d been making some sort of sarcastic comment, which was probably a reasonable thought if he didn’t know that he wasn’t really the sort for humor. Or was he? It was hard to say, with his varying levels of self, all of which depended on how congruent he was with his temporary form. He stepped carefully through the doorway, anticipation sinking lazily into a comfortable spot in his stomach as a light breeze reached to meet him. “Winter was getting a bit tiring, I guess. I just hope it doesn’t get too warm.”

[collinxledger-blog]

The man radiated a strange energy that Colin was determined to find a way around. He walked along the grass, the fresh dew staining his leather shoes with dark spots “It’s England, it never gets too hot. And if one of those rare days happen to come around, it won’t last very long.” Colin finally settled on a bench, the wood gently creaking under the weight of his person. From his inside pocket, he pulled out a metallic holder that he opened to reveal cigarettes. He pulled one out and held it delicately between his lips as he flicked the lighted that had been sitting in his pocket the whole day, eagerly burning the tip of his smoke.

[traitorspawn-blog]

Finn looked the man over, he didn’t look familiar, but that didn’t surprise him, everything in this place confused him.  “I know someone gave me a tour when I got here, but I can’t…I can’t seem to remember where anything is.”  When the other man mentioned a map, Finn felt his heart lift a bit, “Really?  There’s actually a map?  You guys should post it on the walls or something, like they do in malls, that would probably help…well, it would help me.”  He raised his eyebrows, “The infirmary? Are you a doctor?” 

[collinxledger-blog]

“Don’t worry, this place can be very confusing. It took me a while to get accustomed to it.” Colin gave the man a small nod “I found it just the other day, laying on a table. I’m very surprised no one has done it until now, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a staff who made it.” he answered, a tone of pleasant surprise in his voice “I’m a nurse.” he gave the man a smile “Though I’m aiming to become a doctor in the future. I’m Colin by the way.” 

[collinxledger-blog]

Colin felt the uneasiness in the boy’s manners and decided to turn his peppy personality down a notch “You’ll get used to it soon. It won’t take long before you get the hang of it.” At an intersection, Colin pointed both himself and Kyle to take a right turn. He gave a small chuckle at his response “Humour is something we need more around here.” As they reached at last the end of the corridor, the exit to the garden came into view. Colin opened the door and held it open for Kyle to go through after himself. The fresh air of early May brushed in Colin’s hair, inhaling deeply the warmth “I’m so glad spring is here.” he said turning back to look at the patient “So much more positive than the cold winter skies.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Colin felt the uneasiness in the boy’s manners and decided to turn his peppy personality down a notch “You’ll get used to it soon. It won’t take long before you get the hang of it.” At an intersection, Colin pointed both himself and Kyle to take a right turn. He gave a small chuckle at his response “Humour is something we need more around here.” As they reached at last the end of the corridor, the exit to the garden came into view. Colin opened the door and held it open for Kyle to go through after himself. The fresh air of early May brushed in Colin’s hair, inhaling deeply the warmth “I’m so glad spring is here.” he said turning back to look at the patient “So much more positive than the cold winter skies.”

[amandathepawn-blog]

He felt inadequate. Amanda could tell. She could tell by the way that he averted his eyes and grew silent at the sound of her speech. Perhaps he was new to the establishment as she was, of course, under much different circumstances. He might be revered, after all, he was so young and looking after such disturbed residents. She was feared; she was pitied; she was treated as lesser than human by some of the staff. Even though she had grown used to being regarded as inferior, years before entering the ward, a person could never accept that sort of mistreatment. It made her even more cunning and closed-off, determined to wield what little power she held to empower herself further.

The reddening of his cheeks was more than attractive, and for a split second, she forgot who she was, and she forgot about her mission to mask her identity. The smile slipped onto her lips, a gentle one, an admiring one that John would have admonished had he ever seen it. And he had— he had seen it on her face when he spotted her with Adam. And he had instructed her to kill him; and after he was dead, she never smiled like that again. Not until now. “That sounds selfless,” she commented in a calm voice, leaning back, and finally taking a sip of the tea that he had delivered to her. The stuff was warm against her lips, hotter as it slid down her throat, and she basked in the silence of the liquid for several seconds before speaking once more. “—I would call you foolish. But foolish people are always the best kind of people. Always looking out for others.” A twinkle entered her hues and she leaned closer to him, tilting her head as to get a better look at him. “Your father would be proud of you. Not so many people are that well-intended.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Colin’s expression mimicked hers, the smile that had spread on her lips almost seemed like a grimace to her, alienating and strange, but it was a beautiful one nonetheless. “My father called me foolish, and other things as well, but I try not to think about what the illness turned him into. My mother longly spoke to me about what he was like before it happened to him.” He looked down once more, playing the memories of his home in the back of his mind, a smile that screamed sadness and nostalgia. Some were good, but most of them were heart struck thoughts that poked at his beating organ like an icicle and spread its mana among his thoughts “I just wish I had met him before he changed, so I’d have some real memories of him being kind to hold on to.” He closed his eyes and shook his head before opening them again, a peaceful smile resting on his face “Sorry, got a little carried away there.” A small laugh escaped his lips “Tell me Amanda, how are you finding the place so far?”

[oldassaccount-blog]

“Finally. I was starting to think they were trying to actually make me crazy.” His eyes flitted to the side, thinking over the proposal. Would he help if he refused? He didn’t know. It was an unknown. He didn’t like unknowns. “Sure, I don’t mind.”

[collinxledger-blog]

“Great.” Colin gave the man a small smile, ignoring his previous comment. “It’s somewhat a struggle to find your way around at first, but you’ll get around the confusion soon enough, everyone eventually does.” He began walking along the corridor “And in all honesty, I had a hard time getting used to the twists and turns of this place when I arrived.” He walked at an eased pace, not rushing himself or the new patient “I’m Colin by the way, the nurse.” He offered him an open palm, ready for a handshake.

[oldassaccount-blog]

“Do you know how to get outside? They won’t tell me which way to go.”

[collinxledger-blog]

“Surely I can help you with that.” Colin gave the man a nod “May I join you? I could use a break.”

[traitorspawn-blog]

“I don’t…I don’t remember where my room is.  Every door I find seems to lead outside, how does everyone find their way around this place?” 

[collinxledger-blog]

“Let me help you.” Colin came airport walking towards the man and placed his hand a few inches away from his back “It’s a little too easy to get lost in here sadly, I must admit. Luckily I found a drawing that mapped out very precisely every room of this place. I made a few copies in anticipation of an event like this. Whoever drew the map has surely made us a favour.” he attempted to ease the mood “If you wouldn’t mind accompanying me to the infirmary, I’ll grab it and show you around.”

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda had acquired numerous survival skills over the years. It had been necessary to adapt to an ever-changing environment; she was never able to rely upon anything or anyone to stay the same. Her conversational and interpersonal talents were lacking, but if she was adept at anything, it was reading people. And when she looked at Collin, she saw a vulnerability in his eyes that she had observed in few others, a rare sort of kindness permeating there; but it was not only some singular kindness. It was compassion, and a determination to heal others. Part of her pitied him, a part of her soul that had been carved from years of neglect and abuse and contempt; but a much bigger, more pure segment of her soul admired it, wanted to cultivate it for her own. “Handsome and sweet,” she commented, and now, all of the malice and protectiveness that had been in her voice upon meeting him had absolved into nothing, and she was as vulnerable as he was. Amanda did not respond to his comments about her potential, because she could not believe them; she had suffered too much to be repaired, and right now, she was much more interested in learning about him. “–Why did you decide to become a nurse, Collin?” she asked softly, studying his face with intent.

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin could feel her eyes on him, he could tell she was studying him and that only made him grow more nervous. After all, he had only been here for a few months. He was more used to medical hospitals than psychiatric wards. All of the people that surrounded him had much darker pasts than he did and therefore some of their mental capabilities were much more defined and stronger than his, but he didn’t let that thought discourage him from doing the best he could. 

There, she did it again. She had complimented him. Collin felt himself redden once more, though this time is was not as bright as the last and barely lasted two seconds. He cleared his throat as to whip clean the conversational board, but she had already taken care of that. He knew that it wasn’t seen as professional to share personal information with the patients, especially with the more dangerous ones that could use those details against him, but he didn’t agree with that. It was only fair for him to share some things with the patients since every staff member held every information about each patients. It was a way for Collin to build trust between him and them. After a seconds of reflexion, he opened his mouth but nothing came out. He closed his lips and gave it another try “I enjoy helping others.” he said in a small voice “My father had suffered a few mental illness when I was young, and since .. that day, I decided that when I’d be more adept to helping people, I’d do whatever is necessary for me to get them on the path to recovery.” His chest had grown an icy cold feeling that began spreading to his lungs, as if the room temperature had just dropped by five degrees. Luckily for him, his tea kept him warm and managed to overtake the cold feeling in his body.

[amandathepawn-blog]

That was the look that she had been fearing. And that was the look that she had received. It would have stung, had she known him better, but Amanda was trying to train her heart not to become attached. If she did not care for anyone, then she could not be hurt. She could turn her heart to stone, and when it was demolished, she would feel nothing at all. Even still, when she willed herself to be strong, she felt weak. Her smile fell as his did and she averted her eyes, no longer having much interest in her beverage. “—I would have thought that you would hear worse as a nurse in a psychiatric ward,” she told him. “—Me having a knife for protection is not nearly the worst thing about me, after all. Better not get too close.” She chuckled, speaking about him, but really meaning herself. She could not let herself care about him, and yet, there was something charming about him already. “I never had many sweets as a child,” she said. “—Did not have much of anything, but I made do. My childhood was hard, but… but I would give anything to have it back now, given everything that has happened.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin felt a lump in his throat he tried to swallow with the help of tea. He never enjoyed the negative aspects of his job, but it came along with the good sides and he wasn’t one to reject a pleading hand in need of help “I did, but it doesn’t mean that I enjoy knowing that you ever needed to carry a knife around.” he looked up from the troubled tea in his mug and focused his gaze on her. Her traits had so much more depths than they allowed to show at first sight “A child being deprived of his or her childhood is the worst thing you could do to a being. It is that developmental period of your life that will determine how you act and behave as an adult.” The lump in his throat had now grown twice its size. He desperately wanted to scratch the side of his mug but he knew better than to show his anxiety to a patient. He had gotten better over the years at hiding his emotions, though he was no expert yet. “I know your childhood cannot be regained, but you can make the best of the second chance you are being given. It’s not gonna be easy, it never is, but I believe you can make it. You seem like a strong willed woman with a lot of misused energy that can be reformed and directed in another direction.” Collin felt himself rambling on, almost making no sense. He didn’t like giving what sounded like a prep talk to new patients, it felt like fake hopes. Yet, he meant every word of it. He knew it was possible.

[hayitsjess-archive]

She leaned forward to bite but only bit the air, she wasn’t really near him as her teeth clanked together. The soothing action of him caressing her hand gave her something to focus on and helped her recover faster, tears streamed down her face when she realised. 

“I..I sorry…I didn’t mean to…I’m not a bad girl” she stuttered, looking ashamed of herself “You think I’m strong, and I can get better? I wanna get better. If it doesn’t hurt then…I could do it, yeah”

[collinxledger-blog]

Grabbing a tissue or two from the box that stood on the table on his right, he brought them to Jess’s face and gently patted the tears away “I know you’re not a bad person. You just had a rough past.” he gave her a small nod “It won’t hurt. I promise. You might even enjoy it.” Collin spun around on his chair and grabbed a new bandage as well as a sterilised cotton. He looked into her eyes as he slowly reached for her hand, avoiding quick movements that might frighten her. Once he was sure it was alright for him to handle her wound, he gently slipped his fingers under hers and placed her hand on the corner of the table. He began slowly wrapping her hand again after having placed the cotton securely on the injury. “It’s gonna be fine Jess. I promise.”

[collinxledger-blog]

.amandathepawn:

The look of amusement that crossed Collin’s face influenced the elaboration of her own smile. It felt odd, against her lips. In fact, she could not remember a time when she smiled that widely, even though it still was not huge. It felt so foreign to her that when her lips stretched further, it almost hurt. The only time she had smiled in the past was when she created a rather sinister look, or a sarcastic smirk. Smiles were never indicative of joy. When he removed the sugar packets, Amanda even laughed. It was dry and hollow, and it was easy to tell that by the sound of it, she had not laughed in a long time. She leaned back, a sign of her growing comfort, and revealed, “I used to have an emergency knife.” It was an odd thing to say, and not even close to being the same, but it was the only way in which the young woman knew how to relate. “—I never knew when that would come in handy, either.”

Collin’s smile, which had grown bigger at her body language slowly died and his expression fell to a mix of stun and surprise. He had no idea how to reply to this comment, so he forced a smile “Well, you’ll be glad to know you won’t be needing that in here.” He poured the sugar in his tea and stirred it before taking another sip “Aah. So much better! I guess you could say I have a sweet tooth. I know it’s not the best, but in a world so gray and dull, I just need something to brighten up my day sometimes and only sweets can do that for me.” 

[amandathepawn-blog]

“Milk is fine,” Amanda said conclusively. She lifted the mug to her lips and took a sip. The taste was plain, and it was nothing special, but she was surprised to realize that she did not want to offend him by acting as if it was nothing short of spectacular. “Mmm,” she tried with an unimpressive grin, taking another sip. “—Thanks.” She said it again, feeling as if she was obligated to. He was a nurse, after all, a member of the staff. And yet, he seemed different than the others. He did not have a pen in his hand or a white suit, and he did not seem to want to analyze her like she was nothing but another clinical project of his. She would wait for him to initiate conversation again, for it was not her place, nor her strong suit. Instead, her eyes lingered upon his and rested on his gaze. For now, she was comfortable. For now, she was safe.

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin relaxed at her words and allowed himself to sit in the chair opposite her. He cupped his hands around the warm mug before taking a sip himself. Her reaction caused him to crack a smile, almost spilling his tea “No need to sugarcoat it. It’s nothing special.” he shook his head lightly “But I appreciate the effort you made.” he took another sip before making a small grimace “I don’t understand how you can take your tea without sugar.” he let out a small laugh “It’s so blend and uninteresting. My mother always drank her tea like that, but I never got around to liking it this way.” he pulled out two long, thin pink sachets that he ripped and poured into his tea “Emergency sugar.” he informed her with a smile. “You never know when it might come in handy.”

[amandathepawn-blog]

It could be seen that the tenseness in her shoulders had absolved just slightly at his acceptance of her terms. If he had opposed them, there was no doubt that the young woman would have turned around, and walked briskly away until he was no longer in her range of sight. At his ushering, she began to move, but always remained behind him. She needed to keep her eyes on him. If she could not see him, there was no telling what he could do to her, what he was capable of doing to her, if he was not in her sights.

Usually, she would not have listened when he instructed her to enter through the doors first, but Amanda complied, only comforted that for a moment, she would have silence, and a second to compose her thoughts. “–No preference,” she told him shortly. “–No sugar though, no sweetener,” she added. She even allowed the tiniest of smiles to indicate that she was grateful. “Thank you.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Once again, he gave a nod at her words. The faint shadow of a smile surely made him feel more confident about the situation. He strode off to the counter and grabbed two mugs. Placing a bag of English Breakfast in each cup, he filled it with the water that had been pre heated. Stirring the tea bags in the slowly darkening water, he wrung them before throwing them into the trash. Remembering her words he skipped the sugar and went straight for the milk, adding three drops in each, lighting the colour of the liquid. Pleased with the cent and the colour of the teas, Collin finally made his way back to Amanda, setting her mug in front of her “I hope you like milk in your tea” he froze for a second before frowning “I’m sorry I should’ve asked first if you wanted some milk... I can always make another one if you don’t take milk in your tea.” He had already placed his mug on the table, yet he was still on his feet, ready to correct the tea if she wished to have it another way.

[amandathepawn-blog]

Years ago, Collin’s compliment would have made her smitten. She would have fallen for him, hook, line, and sinker in those days. She would have followed him to his bed, and she would have said nothing to oppose him until the moment that he made her scream his name. Prostitution had been a dangerous game, but it had been the only way to afford the heroin that she needed to function every day, and when she was forced to become clean, she found herself trapped within even more terrible circumstances. Now, her former heart still throbbed slightly at his words, the teenage girl still lingering in the damaged woman’s soul, but she did not make this apparent. “I will join you,” she said, the reluctance that she experienced glaringly obvious. She did not move to follow him right away. “—But I need to sit closest to the door. And it has to be open. Those are my conditions.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin turned around as he noticed she hadn’t moved yet. He gave her a small nod “I totally understand and I accept them. Anything to make you more comfortable.” He drew a half circle around him, indicating her to begin walking. He felt the uneasiness in her words and movements, though he wouldn’t have expected anything less coming from a new arrival. It was never easy being admited in a place like this, especially for the patients coming from darker backgrounds. Everyone here had a different story and had to be handled with care, that was something Collin knew too well and always tried his best to do. 

As they reached the doors of the cafeteria, Collin opened wide the door and blocked it with the little silicon stop that stood at his foot. He stood next to it, waiting for Amanda to enter first “Sit where you feel most comfortable. I can go grab you the tea myself if you’d like. Any preferences?”

[amandathepawn-blog]

Amanda had been capable of handling the most difficult of individuals in her time as the Jigsaw Killer’s accomplice. She had been his right-hand woman, his most trusted second-in-command. She had taken down lead detectives whose offices were lined with numerous awards and who were recognized as being valiant heroes; she had disarmed and dismembered notorious drug dealers, many of whom she had evaded during her drug-using days herself; she had conquered ex-convicts and pimps and murderers. And yet, she had never felt more threatened than she did when conversing with a soft-hearted man–someone who seemed to wear his heart on his sleeve, someone non-domineering and honest. How could she trust someone like him? Someone gentle and warm, when all the people whom she had ever known had been calculated and cutting? He reminded her of Adam, and her heart sank. His blush amused her, but she had to be cautious; she did not let the attraction to the reddening of his cheeks appear on her face. After a long period of silence, she sucked in a breath, and decided to take a chance. She always regretted doing that. “—Amanda,” she breathed so softly that her words could have been inaudible. She hoped that she would not regret saying that dastardly word.

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin could see the strength she had built up in herself to have come to terms with telling him her name. He felt himself filled with warmth, she had trusted him enough so far to have told him her name. “Amanda is a beautiful name.” he answered with an unmistakeable tone of happiness in his voice “I was on my way to grab some tea. Would you like to join me?” he asked hopeful she’d accept his request. There was nothing Collin loved more than talking to the patients in other terms than when they came to the infirmary with some kind of injury.

[amandathepawn-blog]

The egotism faded from her voice as quickly as it had appeared. Careful, the voice inside of her head insisted. Do not make any sudden movements. This was a trap. There was no other explanation. Amanda had been manipulated to such an extreme extent that she could no longer decipher what was true or fabricated emotion; so when the sadness colored his soft hues, the young woman tensed, all of her muscles stiffening, and she stood there, looking dumbfounded and contemplated whether or not she should flee. He reminded her of someone. “—Funny,” she breathed, her voice hollow, and her pale skin littering with goose bumps. Her blood ran cold. “—Handsome man like you. Seems like it would be easy to take advantage of someone like me.”

[collinxledger-blog]

Collin felt a pinch in his chest at the word she seemed to have almost whispered, though what she followed with certainly had felt like a slap to the face. He felt himself blushing, his face going hot, though he tried his best not to let it get the best of him “I have no reasons for wanting to take advantage of you...” his voice was soft, and the confidence he had tried to add to it seemed to have been crushed by his embarrassment. He cleared his throat in an attempt to also clear his mind and ease the mood “I apologise, I didn’t even introduce myself. My name is Collin Ledger, I’m a nurse. And I can guarantee you that I do not wish to take advantage of you.” he could not hold eye contact with her at those words. The simple thought of even doing such a thing was utterly crazy and very embarrassing to him “But I’ll let you be the judge of that.” he followed with “May I ask for you name, miss?”