Collyn Poetry

Hi, I'm Collyn! I’m bisexual and my pronouns are she/they. If you like poetry about mental health, relationships, and growing up, then this might be the blog for you! Feel free to check out my side blog i-am-a-potato-hehe where I post mostly Osemanverse stuff!

[collyn-poetry]

Hi, I’m Collyn, your typical teen with a passion for writing poetry! I only recently started writing poetry, but it’s really become something I love doing, so I hope you enjoy reading my work as much as I love writing it.

Here are some of my favourite original poems!

I want to beg you to to stay

11 Hours

Before all this started

One thing you should know about me is that I am not a lot of things

When does all of this stop?

Here’s my about me post!

[collyn-poetry]

It’s been a while since my dad has last blew up at me,

and yet his screams still echo in my ears.

I still fear being in the same room as him,

holding my breath around him,

waiting for him to finally snap.

He tries, I know that,

but that doesn’t mean the past is suddenly forgotten.

It stays in my mind

through every time I see him blow up at others,

every time I see the signs that I used to miss,

every time he makes that familiar face

like he’s about to start doing it again.

And I think what really fucked us up

was that every time he did that,

he would ask me

"Why are you crying? I wasn’t yelling,"

like I was too young to understand

what he was trying to do,

like he didn’t just create memories

that are the only thing I can think of

whenever I think back to the time we spent together.

Because this might’ve seemed normal to him,

as if it wasn’t such a big deal,

as if I was just some kid

who didn’t know what they were saying,

but it was something that stayed with me through all these years.

And I was just a kid.

A kid who was terrified of the man who was supposed to protect me.

How do I just let go and forget that?

[collyn-poetry]

𝐓𝐖: 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦

Everything I do

and every bad thing I think about myself

was somehow influenced by things

that people have said or done to me over the years.

I wear oversized hoodies

and sweatpants

to hide every imperfect part of me,

and I hold my stomach in every time I go out

because a boy once said something

about the way I looked.

And now people seem annoyed that I hate my body.

I’m scared of being in the same room as my dad,

scared that if I make one tiny mistake

or breathe ever so slightly too loud,

he’ll blow up at me

like he used to do when I was a kid.

And he wonders why we’re not close.

I hide my fresh cuts from my mom

even though she knows that I’m struggling

because she was disappointed in me

when I came to her after a relapse,

looking for support,

not a speech about how this affects her.

And she wonders why I never talk to her about it now.

No one even thought twice

about how their words or actions might affect me

or any of the people around them.

They never give it another thought.

For them,

it was just an ordinary Thursday morning.

But for me,

those words

and those moments

have all affected the way I see them,

and the way I see myself

and there’s no going back from that.

[collyn-poetry]

𝐖𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐠𝐨, 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐭

TW: Self harm

I keep relapsing over

and over

and over again

until I start to question my own sanity

because what kind of person

who says they’re trying their best

doesn’t even want to get better?

And I don’t know if that makes me a liar

but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say.

[collyn-poetry]

How did we go from best friends

to people who barely talk at all?

It didn’t even end in some big argument,

which I’m thankful for.

But it ended during the weeks

that you didn’t answer my messages,

through every unanswered text,

through every time you lied

and said you were doing good.

And trust me,

I don’t blame you for that.

I know it’s normal for people to grow apart,

but not like this.

Not when I still have so many questions

that will probably never be answered,

so many nights that I spent

hoping to wake up to find that you messaged me back,

so many hours spent looking at my phone,

hoping a message would just appear.

But now I know,

things will never go back

to the way they were before.

That doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop looking,

hoping,

wishing for a fucking miracle.

I don’t even know what it means.

[collyn-poetry]

What do you do

when you’re sitting in the kitchen

in the middle of the night

stomach growling

because you felt too guilty

to eat enough at dinner

and you know you should eat something

but your brain is telling you not to

and you know you’ll regret it tomorrow

and you know you’ll hate your body

even more than you do now?

What do you do

when your sister is the one

who started saying this stuff

about your body

about the things

you’ve tried so hard to change

but she says it’s all in the past

and she thinks you’re overreacting

but she has no idea

how much her words have affected you

even if they were in the past?

What do you do

when you’re the outside world’s idea

of perfectly fine

when you don’t hate your body

to the point where you feel

like you’re going crazy

but also don’t want to live

if you keep looking like this

because of a few words

from your sister

that are "all in the past?"

What can you even do?

[collyn-poetry]

You loved me at one point,

didn’t you?

Even if you didn’t choose to become my sister,

you must have loved me.

Because we were close at some point,

before we grew up,

before I started wanting to beg you to come back,

to become someone I could call my friend again.

We grew up together,

but somewhere along the way,

we drifted miles apart.

We went from best friends,

to people who shared parents,

to people we don’t know at all.

And maybe the hardest part about all that isn’t not being loved by you anymore.

It’s that I lost my best friend,

and I can’t do anything about it.

[collyn-poetry]

A poem about my mom and sister

The things she’s done

the things she’s said to me-

you didn’t know

because I didn’t speak up about it

and I don’t blame you for that.

But you act like she’d never hurt anyone

like she’s some kind of saint

who’s just "like that" sometimes.

You act like that

and yet you don’t really know her.

You don’t realize how much she’s hurt me

or how much she’s affected me.

And saying that’s just "how she is" doesn’t help

and it doesn’t make it true.

She treats me like a pile of garbage

and yet you just ignore it

say it’s normal

and make excuses for her

without thinking twice

about how this affects me.

What’s so amazing about her

that you can’t realize that?

Why can’t you love me like you love her?

[collyn-poetry]

I had a dream you were gone.

I didn’t know what happened

and I didn’t know what to do.

All I knew

was that you were never coming back

and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I mean what are you supposed to do

when someone you thought

was doing good

is just gone one day?

I tried sending messages

telling you I was sorry

for missing the signs

for not checking up on you.

But I couldn’t press send.

And when I woke up

I almost thought it was real

that you were really gone

before realizing it was just a dream.

I just don’t know

how to talk to you about these things.

I never know what to say.

But I keep thinking

what if one day

it’s really too late?

[collyn-poetry]

"Don’t take things so seriously," they say

when these "things" are the words

that dug this hole I’m in

and threw me in with no way to get out.

And I know they mean the best

but it doesn’t make it true

and it doesn’t make me feel better.

It just makes me feel like shit

to know that when I’m hurting

that’s what they’ll respond with.

Because I might be "sensitive"

or "overreacting"

but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel.

That doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

[collyn-poetry]

The chances

that I would have met

and become friends with

the people I know

and love today

are actually pretty slim.

My best friend of eight years–

if our teacher hadn’t asked me

to go with her to the bathroom

we wouldn’t even be friends.

I wouldn’t ever be lucky enough

to get to have known her

to call her my best friend

and to grow up with her.

The person I became friends with

just this year–

if we weren’t two people

wishing they weren’t alone in this

she would have never told me

they were going through the same thing.

We’d still be struggling

thinking we’re alone

when someone who understood us

was just a few metres away.

My best friend–

if he hadn’t made that post

asking if anyone

wanted to be friends

my life would be

completely different.

He’s the boy I only messaged

because we shared

one common interest.

The boy who became so much more

than a stranger on the internet.

The one who understands me

more than I thought

anyone ever could.

If all of those things

hadn’t happened

none of us would ever

be the same again–

but they did.

Some might call it pure luck

but I think it’s because

some way

somehow

we were always meant to be.

[collyn-poetry]

It’s been seven months

since we’ve last talked.

Seven months

since we’ve last laughed together

and seven months

since I’ve stopped believing

that we were going to be forever.

And in that seven months

I’ve had time to grow.

To grow out of the feeling

of needing you.

To grow out of the person

you used to know

and into someone

you don’t know anymore–

someone I’ve learned to love

even when they’re not perfect.

Even when they’re hurting

and just need to feel

like they’re not alone.

It’s not that I’m glad that I had to get space

away from you

or that I don’t miss you.

In fact

growing into the person I am today

was so much harder without you

and I miss you more than you know.

When I saw you in the hallways

I almost ran to you

before I could even realize

you’re not my person anymore.

We’re not friends at all.

These seven months

have been hard without you

but they’ve also been

the best seven months of my life.

I got to meet the people

who will always be there for me.

I got to learn so much from them

from others

and from myself.

I got to become

the person I am today.

[collyn-poetry]

I remember noticing

when we stopped really being best friends.

And maybe it was obvious

but we were too blind too see it

through all the hoping

that we would find a way

to be forever.

Because for years

you were my person.

The one who made me

feel like me.

And when we started drifting apart

I just ignored it

hoping everything

would get better overnight.

But when everything blew up

I couldn’t deny it anymore.

We weren’t going to be forever

like I thought we would.

We were never going to be anything.

[florarainquillwrites]

I knew that it wasn't going to work but I imagined every scenario in my head that covered all the possibilities of us, now I know it's not like that at all. It never was.

-Flora Rain Quill Writes💌

[softmarchdreams]

i love you.

and somehow,

i fell in love with you

at the exact moment

i had convinced myself

i would never fall in love again.

it’s only been four months.

people say that’s too soon.

but i don’t think love

has ever been measured in months.

i think love is measured

by the quiet decision

to wake up every day

and keep choosing the same person,

hoping,

with everything you have –

that they will become your last.

i know the world has a name

for loving too openly.

they call it love bombing,

they warn you not to care too much,

not to give too much,

not to say too much.

but i don’t want to love halfway.

i don’t know how to.

my soul was never made

for temporary things.

it was made

to love deeply,

seriously,

completely.

i’m not the perfect girl.

i never will be.

i carry fears

that were born long before you.

i’m afraid you’ll leave

when loving me becomes difficult.

i’m afraid i’ll wake up one day

and find myself alone again.

i’m afraid i’ll have to explain

why my heart feels so much,

or apologize

for the person i truly am.

i don’t want to spend my life

making myself smaller

to be easier to love.

i won’t be the girl

who disappears

when things become complicated.

i won’t leave

because you need space.

i won’t stop choosing you

because you make mistakes.

i want to stay.

even on the ordinary days.

even on the difficult ones.

all i ask

is that you want to stay too.

i am trying.

every single day,

i am trying.

i am learning how to trust,

how to stop expecting abandonment,

how to believe

that love doesn’t always end.

sometimes my fear

speaks louder than reality.

sometimes my past

answers before my heart can.

but i am working on it.

what i cannot change

is the way i love.

and i don’t want to.

because this is who i am.

we both came into this relationship

carrying old wounds.

we are both learning

how to love

through hands that once let go,

through words that once hurt,

through memories

neither of us chose.

i accept every part of you.

the beautiful ones.

the frightened ones.

the broken ones.

all i ask

is that you choose

to accept mine too.

please,

never make me feel

like i love too deeply.

like i care too much.

like i’m too emotional,

too loud,

too serious,

too difficult.

don’t make me believe

that i have to become

someone else

to deserve your love.

because i have spent

far too many years

trying to earn

what should have been given freely.

if this is going to last,

we both have to choose it.

not just when it’s easy.

especially when it isn’t.

i can’t be the only one

who notices the cracks.

the only one

trying to mend them.

the only one

believing

that love deserves effort.

because i do.

i believe

that loving someone

means growing beside them.

becoming softer.

becoming kinder.

becoming better –

not only for yourself,

but for the person

whose heart now rests

inside your hands.

i love you.

i really do.

and maybe healthy love

doesn’t always begin

like the movies promised.

maybe it begins

with difficult conversations.

with boundaries.

with choosing each other

again,

after every hard day.

because love

isn’t the absence of problems.

it’s finding someone

who makes you believe

they’re worth solving them with.

and if you’ll let me –

i want you

to be my last.

i want this love

to become the place

we both finally

call home.

[collyn-poetry]

You don’t know how many times

I’ve typed out a message to you

then deleted it

before I could convince myself to send it.

I always ended up

looking through our old messages

missing the way it used to be

before everything blew up.

I can’t believe it’s about half a year.

Half a year

since you were still the one I spent all my time talking to.

Since you were still

my person.

My best friend.

I think I never pressed send

because I was scared of the possibility

that I might start loving you again.

Not that I ever really stopped.

[collyn-poetry]

No one tells you what to do

when you open your phone

to a message

that you didn’t want to see

from a person

you don’t know anymore

in a place

you can’t do anything about it

and then

it turns out

nothing happened.

They’re fine

alive

saying they’re okay

when you just thought

they were gone forever.

You were my best friend

for months and months

but when you left

we grew apart.

And I know

that wasn’t anyone’s fault

but I still regret not trying

to fill the distance between us

to go back

to the way we used to be.

That’s all I was thinking about

in the hours I thought you were gone.

Do you know how scared I was?

I couldn’t do anything about it.

I couldn’t bring you back.

I was falling apart

over you being gone

while your heart was still beating

still alive.

And I’m glad you’re not gone–

I don’t want you to be.

It’s just that

I was so scared out of my mind.

I didn’t know what to do

and that scared me.

Because what if one day

you’re actually gone?

What will I do then?