christmas / holiday starters
Feel free to change pronouns or anything else !
at a party
“Woah, someone drank too much egg nog.”
“Look, I only came for the Christmas cookies.”
“So do I make a sexy Santa/elf/reindeer or what?”
“Merry Christmas! Let’s get wasted.”
“Is my outfit too festive/not festive enough?”
“Hey! Come on in, I’ll get you a drink.”
a grinch
“I can’t believe I’m all alone during the holidays.”
“Most wonderful time of the year, my ass.”
“I hate snow. And smiling children.”
“If I hear one more Christmas song, someone is getting strangled with tinsel.”
“The only thing good about Christmas is the candy canes.”
“Wow, that gingerbread house is…unique.”
“Egg nog is disgusting.”
anti-grinch
“I’ve had my tree up since November.”
“How could you not like the holidays?!”
“I’m going to shove a candy cane up my ass. I’m so excited!”
“Christmas is the only time of year when I’m stressed out AND receiving a bunch of gifts.”
“There’s NO way I’m going to lose the house decorating competition.”
“Christmas isn’t a holiday. It’s a way of life.”
presents
“What did you get me?” / “I’m not telling you! It’s a surprise.”
“I didn’t know what to buy you, so..I made you something…”
“You gave me the present that I gave to YOU last year?”
“It’s perfect…”
“Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything.”
“The only gift I want is stability and happiness. But this wrapping paper is pretty.”
“You just rip the paper right off?! You heathen.” / “You save the paper? Nerd.”
secret santa
“Ugh, I can’t believe I got ___ for secret santa.”
“I got ____!! What should I give him/her/them?”
“Who bought me socks? They’re plain white no-brand socks.”
“The limit was $20, people. Why do I see an iPhone?”
“I know who got me this. There’s only one person who knows me this well. It’s you.”
with friends
“I got us matching ugly sweaters.”
“Do you think I can fit these candy canes up my nose?”
“Merry Christmas, fuckers. I’m broke but at least I got you stuff.”
“This is really corny…but you’re already a gift to me.”
“I haven’t seen you in so long! Get over here and give me a hug.”
flirty
“Are you Santa? Because I’d sit on your lap.”
“Have I been naughty this year?”
“Oh, I’d ride in your sleigh.”
“Your eyes twinkle like tree lights.”
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
snow
“It’s snowing! That’s so perfect!”
“Great, now my flight is delayed…”
“How am I supposed to get home in this weather?”
“Baby, it’s cold outside…”
“Let’s have a snowball fight.”
no snow
“Why can’t we have a white Christmas?”
“It’s too hot for hot cocoa.”
“I wish I could wear a sweater without dying.”
“It’s nice to get away from all the cold.”
“The only ice I want to see is in a cold drink.”
knows nothing about other holidays
“So is it Jesus’s birthday?”
“Where did Santa even come from?”
“…Isn’t the tree a pagan tradition?”
“How do the deer fly?”
“This holiday sounds like it was made by someone on crack.”
“What’s a Hannukah?” / “What’s a Kwanzaa?”
“Is what I’m wearing okay?”
“Stop calling me a grinch! I’m not even Christian.”
hannukah
“Watch me shove all these latkes in my mouth.”
“You don’t know how to play with a dreidel?” / “Let me teach you the dreidel game.”
“See the menorah? It’s LIT.”
“Try the sufganiyot and you will forget about Christmas cookies.”
“Hannukah is the time of year when us Jews gather and decide the next step in taking over the world. At least that’s what that crazy guy from work told me.”
“Do these dreidel cake pops look Pinterest-y enough?”
“Christians get WAY too upset over Starbucks cups. I’ve never gotten a Hannukah Starbucks cup! You don’t see me rioting about it.”
“That’s not a dreidel…That’s a beyblade.”
kwanzaa
“Who needs one day of Christmas when I have a whole week of Kwanzaa?”
“See the kinara? It’s LIT.”
“I can’t go home until I buy a new kinara.”
“What do you think of the decorations? I think I need more African print.”
“How are we out of food? Kwanzaa is about the harvest!”
“I like Kwanzaa. It’s a holiday of principles.”
“It’s not a ‘made-up’ holiday. All holidays are made up.”
“Kinda wish the unity cup was filled with whiskey. And that I could drink all of it.”
misc.
“No matter the holiday, family time is always a bad idea.”
“This isn’t Pinterest-y enough!”
“Come on, let’s take a quick selfie. We never see each other.”
“You know I’m Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist/atheist/other, right?”
