no longer active :(

memes and advice for you to deal with your compulsive heterosexuality/coercive heteronormativity

[comphetsucks]

Hi, everyone -

This is a goodbye post, unfortunately. I can't keep up with this blog. My personal life and college are too hectic to maintain it. Let's be real, I was never that active anyway - but it's time to say goodbye.

I hope that some of you can carry on what I started, and make more safe and helpful spaces like this one was.

I love you all ♡

Please remember that you are important, valued and loved and your life is worth it.

Maybe some day I'll come back. Maybe not.

But until that day, goodbye.

- Dante ♡☆

[comphetsucks]

I just wanna say that this account has helped me so much in terms of figuring out who I am and accepting myself for it, so I’m just extremely grateful for you and I hope you continue to spread positivity and knowledge :)

That's good to hear. I'm happy that this account has been a good space for you. Thank you for your kind words ♡

[comphetsucks]

Join the the Hub Discord Server!

Check out the the Hub community on Discord - hang out with 32 other members and enjoy free voice and text chat.

This is a server created for young people with mental illness. Here you can talk about your hobbies, make friends and support each other in recovery. Server age range is 18 and under currently :)

[comphetsucks]

aaaaahhh i just started identifying as a lesbian a little under a month ago and it feel so so right and i love being able to call myself a lesbian because it just feels like the label i've always wanted to use but was too scared to!!! im 17 and ive been in 3 "serious" relationships with guys, all of which i had more of a compulsive obsession with rather than being genuinely in love with them. my LAST boyfriend though,,, it was the same kind of feeling but i did genuinely want to have sex (1/??)

(2/??) with him, but i never... was satisified with it? and i really only liked feeling pretty and attractive and the penetration. i had sex with men because i was lonely and i wanted to feel wanted. but sometimes i still think about doing those things...? and it almost bothers me, i never get off to the idea of being with a guy, but my brain just. generates it almost. it's a very involuntary thought and every time it happens i would so much rather it be about a girl.

(2/3)am i a genuine lesbian or do i have a strong preference? i can never imagine myself with a man seriously, and now that ive been with a woman everything makes so much more sense and i never wanna go back to being with men. my attraction to women is so much more freeing and safe and i love being with women and i love everything about them. im not so sure about men but i know that im sexually attracted to them sOMEtimes? only if theyre guys i know though... idk if im really able to call myself gay

If you have no interest in pursuing relationships with men, you're still valid. It is okay to call yourself gay. If you want to call yourself gay, and you don't want to date men now or ever, that is fine. It is up to you. If you started dating a man sometime in the future, the descriptor of lesbian wouldn't be accurate, but if you never want to date men then go ahead and call yourself a lesbian.

[comphetsucks]

(1/3) I have 0 interest in dating men due to being in abusive relationships with men. Though I am fulfilling my emotional and sexual needs by obsessing over fictional men. I have been single for 6 years now. I want to try dating women, but because I am not 100% sure that I am bi, I am afraid of hurting them by leading them on. I think that I may actually be bi, but I repressed it.

(2/3) I have had sexual dreams about my female friends. And after my best friend had her heart broken by her bf, I wished that I was a man so that I could be with her and make her happy. I am scared at the thought of being sexually intimate with a woman though. Because what if I am bad at it???? I have looked at porn, and tutorial videos and articles lol. It would be easier to just stick to what I know (men).

(3/3) But I’m also scared of living my whole life without exploring this side of me... and having regrets. Deep down, I truly believe that I will never marry a man. I don’t need a man to be happy. But what if I just want to be with a woman because it feels “safe” and I am lonely?

If you want to, there is absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting. It is the way a lot of LGBT people find out. However, if you do keep in mind that wlw are not toys and have feelings.

As for being worried you'll be "bad at it", don't be. There is nothing you can do to make sure that you're magically amazing at it right off the bat. You've got the right idea by researching - however, porn is probably not the best place to turn.

@sapphic-sex-ed is a very good resource for your questions based around that.

[comphetsucks]

I relate to a lot of the comphet symptoms but I feel a lead weight nervousness in the pit of my stomach around this guy, but I don’t have any interest in dating or kissing him. Does this make me bisexual? Are these “butterflies”? I don’t feel “fuzzy”.

Confusing the classic romance trope of "butterflies" and "feeling fuzzy" with straight up fear, nerves and anxiety is a REALLY common lesbian thing.

Plus, if you relate to a lot of the comphet things, you could well be a lesbian.

[comphetsucks]

there's a boy who Idk if I want to be just friendly with or if I actually like. I'm confused because thought I was 100⁒ a lesbian for a long time. I'm pretty sure he likes me but to be honest thinking about that kind of makes me a little anxious but I keep thinking that im forcing myself to believe its comphet when im actually flattered by it? This whole situation is pretty stressful and I can't talk about it to anyone since im not out.

You can be flattered by it, that's entirely possible. You can also be anxious.

To help with your feelings around him, you can trying imagining kissing, dating, holding his hand, calling him your boyfriend, vs laughing and joking in a casual sense, doing stuff you do with your normal friends.

If you still need me I'm always happy to PM.

[comphetsucks]

I identified as bi for two years. Now, I identify as lesbian. The label fits but I fear that I will love a guy in the future when I don't want to love/be with one, as I feel like I have to. I just want to only love girls. I have crushes on male celebrities/characters but no males in real life, which I'm ok with, but that was the thing that kept me from being a lesbian, cause I thought that having a male celebrity crush meant I'm still bi. I questioned and changed labels numerous times before.

If you have no interest in pursuing relationships with men and only want to date women, you can be a lesbian. That is a completely valid way of feeling.

[comphetsucks]

heyy! i'm sure i'm attracted to women, i can just look at them and i just know i feel an attraction. at the moment i identify as bi. when i look at guys, real ones in my age, i don't feel that way but i always thought it was because i just view the guys i know as pretty. the only other guys i “like“ are actors, fictional characters and a teacher of mine. Because of the latter i always thought i couldn't be a lesbian cause i also liked him. Are these forms of comp het? can you help me in any way?

Yes. Those are both signs of comphet. I advise you read the masterdoc and see how much of it applies to you. It can be extremely helpful figuring out your feelings. ♡

If you still need me, I'm always happy to PM.

[comphetsucks]

Hey so lately I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality and i think i might be a lesbian. I used to id as bi but then i read about comphet and it was just so me?? I never wanted to date a guy, my imaginations of dating one were distant and indifferent, thinking about sex with a guy always made me kinda uncomfortable i think. But then again, i always have this thought that what if im faking it and im not actually a lesbian. It just scares me so much and i really need some advice. Ty

Worries of faking being a lesbian are the most common I see in this ask box.

And I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone: people who are faking know they are faking. It is a conscious decision to fake something. If you were faking, you would know it 100%.

[comphetsucks]

i’m currently in my first relationship ever with a guy and the whole time all i can think about it just being with a woman? i knew i didn’t want to date him i just think i wanted the feeling of being wanted? that someone was attracted to me. don’t know if many lesbians feel like that, but i’m in college now and i don’t know what to do with myself because i’m just afraid that if i leave him and try to find a girl that i’m not actually a lesbian ?

Wanting to be wanted and dating or flirting with men to fulfil that is a part of comphet for many lesbians.

If you would rather date a girl right now, then leave him and date a girl instead. Worries of not actually being a lesbian don't need to come into that. There is nothing wrong with experimenting. It's the way many LGBT people find out.

Staying in the relationship with him is not fair to either of you if you don't want to be with him.

[comphetsucks]

I was 100% certain I'm a lesbian and usually don't like boys romantically or sexually. But I keep coming back to the idea of being penetrated by one. Despite knowing it icks me out and feels wrong bc it seems so unlike me, I keep thinking up dumb hypothetical scenarios just to see if I'm really attracted to guys. (Ex. wondering if I'd like sex w/ guys if I ignored labels entirely. Especially 'lesbian') Now I'm not sure if I'd genuinely like it irl or if I'm REALLY overthinking things. Advice?

Forcing yourself to think about boys that way is quite commonly a part of comphet. "Testing" your attraction to men is a way for a brain to try to do a "Gotcha!" and catch you out and invalidate you. You say the concept disgusts you, and as a lesbian that can be the case.

If you're looking to stop these thoughts, then all I can say is different things work for different people. My personal strategy is whenever I catch myself doing that to remind myself it's just my brain doing that, I have no attraction to men, I would not enjoy these things I'm imagining, I am a lesbian.

[comphetsucks]

hi so I’m not really out out yet I just told my friends that I like girls and I want to tell them that i’m actually lesbian but I’m worried that one day I’ll end up liking some guy. I can’t see myself with a guy but the thought that i’ll magically be bi or straight down the line freaks me out. What can I dooooo

Remember that lesbian is a "now" identity, meaning that's how you feel right now. In the future if you were to fall for a man then it would be wrong to call yourself a lesbian, but that's not right now. If calling yourself lesbian is what would make you most happy and comfortable right now, do it. If you want to tell them you're a lesbian, do it.

[comphetsucks]

(1) i’m a senior in high school. i’m starting to think i’m a lesbian because over the years i’ve had a couple of experiences with girls that tldr just Hit Different yknow? and i’ve been in relationships with boys before but only ever bc they asked first and i never had one last more than a week bc the moment they wanted to do anything romantic or couple-y i felt disgusted and awkward and backed out immediately. and just recently i had a straight guy friend who i trusted and i was like

(2) “yeah i would date him” but i wasn’t attracted to him and i think it was just because i trusted that he was a good person so he was like a good “option”? (does that make sense?) but the moment he told me he liked me i got SO uncomfortable that i just couldn’t even reply to him (i did eventually but it took a lot out of me). anyway now there’s this guy in my class who like. i know he’s 1) a nice person, 2) “attractive” (i don’t feel attraction to him but he’s a good looking dude),

(3) 3) a star athlete, and 4) he’s got good plans for the future (basically ur typical high school “Mr Perfect”) so i feel like. i know that if we ever ended up getting together i’d feel gross and back out of it like i always have done but my brain is like “no no he’s got a good head on his shoulders and he was nice to us a couple times he’s a Good Option so we must be attracted to him” and i’m FRUSTRATED because even tho i know i’m not i keep doubting myself.

(4) and on top of that any crush i ever had on a girl got so repressed and pushed down that i’m not even sure if i ever had any so i don’t have any sort of “””proof””” that i’m gay. i’m so sorry i wrote so much but i’m struggling and i had to get it out ggshdjshfj

Yes, from what I hear it is completely possible that you could be a lesbian. Your aversion to doing anything with a guy, choosing because he's a "good option", you know you aren't attracted to him.

Have a read of the masterdoc and see if it helps you in any way.

My PMs are still open if you need.

[comphetsucks]

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE/MOLESTATION/PORN MENTION // i know for a fact that i'm a lesbian, but me being exposed to porn (unwillingly) at the agr of 4-5 years old + being molested by my cousing for YEARS, i struggle with a shit ton of comphet and my perception of what sex is supposed to be is SO fucked because of it. My mind, whenever i see a "conventionally attractive" dude it's just like "think of having sex with him. now." and the comphet thoughts are so fucking heavy to the point (1/?)

that i physically break down and sob bc i know this isn't what i want. im not attracted to men and i KNOW this but bc of my past, my head is so fucked that whenever i look at a man, i always think of submitting to him sexually and it ruins me. i think way too hard about it to the point where i CONVINCE myself that i actually enjoy being with a man and it makes me sick to my stomach and i don't know how to stop this... i just feel so invalid as a lesbian sometimes and it hurts... not to mention, im a stud (black lesbian) and i know for a fact i'd never approach a man romantically/sexually... i'm just having a really hard time and i need my lesbian sisters' comfort... i hate how my past is so persistent in my present and i always seek solace with other rape victims but... i'm still a lesbian, aren't i?

Yes.

Your sexuality is not any less valid because of your trauma.

If you aren't already, please consider going to therapy because that is an extremely awful and traumatic experience which no person should have to face

[comphetsucks]

Hey! I need some advice - I knew myself to be a lesbian for a few years, but now I’m starting to doubt it and I think I might be bisexual but I don’t know if it’s just comphet or something real and I don’t know what to do

Hi! Please have a look at the master doc to see the different signs of comphet and if you can relate to them. If they do, that should give you a good idea of what to do next :)

[comphetsucks]

hi, NB person here— been struggling with comphet & whether i have it. i’m AFAB so i experienced female socialization growing up and it must have affected me. i have a hard time figuring out if i’m just attracted to women though because i don’t identify as a lesbian, since i feel disconnected from womanhood... i keep going after men, but am unable to see a future with them. i feel like gender gets in the way of understanding what’s going on with me

This was also a massive issue for me. There is a section on gender and comphet in the master doc that I would advise you take a look at and see how it relates to you.

You can also not identify as a lesbian but only be attracted to women if you're nb. There are many other words you can find to describe yourself with a quick google search - or don't fly under any label at all, if that's how you want to be. It's all very up to you.