The Completely Incorrect Works of Wm. Shakespeare

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Prospero: For years, I've done the best I could to raise you. Have I been perfect? No. Do I know anything about children? No! Should I have picked up a book on parenting?! PROBABLY! Where was I going? I had a point…

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Benedick: We’re having a moment, aren’t we?

Beatrice: If by a moment you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

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“The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like swimsuit issues and Saving Private Ryan, and Jersey Shore and crabs.”

- I don’t know why this feels like a Ferdinand line

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Macbeth: What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.

Lady M, under her breath: I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.

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Hamlet, dying: I'm going. Take care of my Great Dane, Lothar.

Horatio, cradling his body: You don't have a Great Dane, Hamlet.

Hamlet: Get a Great Dane, name him Lothar.

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Richard III: Something’s off.

Ghosts: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.

Richard III: no, but that’s funny.

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Hamlet: This dumb therapist just said I have “unresolved daddy issues”.

Hamlet: First of all, my dad is dead, so you look really stupid right now.

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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Romeo: I'm right here..?

Juliet: "Wherefore" means "why", not "where".

Romeo: Misunderstandings like these are what define our relationship.

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Sebastian: Okay, who else thought Viola was a dude?

Sebastian: Put your hand down, Viola.

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Friar Lawrence: I have a plan

Juliet: Does the plan include us not dying?

*three hours later*

Friar Lawrence: I said a plan, not a fucking miracle

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Bassanio (between Portia and Antonio, grinning): How great is this? My favorite person in the world… And my wife.

Portia: My whole life.

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I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they're small. It's funny to say they're big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses, in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-so dick. I've got such-and-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

- Prospero

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Ophelia: I know when I’m being lied to. It’s like when I look in the mirror and say, “everything is going to be okay.”

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Edmund: When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it’s “intelligent” and “really cool”, but when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to move on.”

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Katharine: If you like me, raise your hand.

Petruchio: What do I do if I don’t like you?

Katharine: Raise your standards, bitch

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Falstaff: Don’t worry; I know what I’m doing. I saw the first 15 minutes of The Hurt Locker.

*cut to 20 minutes later, Falstaff playing possum on the battlefield*

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When life gives you lemons, steal your dad’s jewelry and go clubbin’!

- Jessica