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It's a gas

This performance is like when all the mutual are online at once

@pelicanhypeman Look, I can't control who comes on this blog and reads my shit. Believe me, I've tried. Look within yourself and say "I saw a link to Bill Simmons journalism for babies with a gambling addiction website, The Ringer, which was an Oral History, the two most objectionable words to come out of the two thousand teens, and it was, "An Oral History of Pros vs. Joes" and you said "I trust Doug's judgement on this?" A man who has seen the movie The Howling Two: Your Sister is a Werewolf, two dozen times, and whose conversation is always veering someone to watch The Howling Two: Your Sister is a werewolf with him, that's whose judgement you're going by. Wizards fan Doug. "Fuck the 9-5, the Service Industry is where the REAL money is" Doug. Fool me once shame on me, and such and such.

I just wanted to say, I bet Bill Simmons LOVES pros vs. joes and for none of the good reasons. I know he didn't write it, I know he 900% didn't know the article was going up. I'm talking independent. Guy is throwing season 3 Pros vs. Joes references at the poker tables with his boys Sully and the Duffmeister and having himself a good ol laugh.

lifesgrandparade

Fifteen years ago, Spike TV launched the ultimate fantasy: a show in which amateurs could compete against sports legends. The final result w

lifesgrandparade

Glazer: The first episode we ever did, I went down and told the Joes, I said, “Listen, this is your chance. This is a TV show. This is your chance to be a hometown hero. If you go out there and ball out, you’ll never pay for a drink in your hometown again. If you really want to make this better, get after the pros, talk some crap. It’s an entertainment show. Don’t worry about it. They know it’s a TV show. They’re not going to do anything.”

Well, man, sure as shit, the very first dude starts talking all this shit to Simeon Rice. The first play, Simeon scoops this dude up—boom—slams him on his head, fucking knocks him out. And I was like “Oops. My bad.”

Yeah don't talk shit to Simeon Rice.

Fifteen years ago, Spike TV launched the ultimate fantasy: a show in which amateurs could compete against sports legends. The final result w

OK, I'm watching internet sensation Kofie, and he's watching old pros vs. Joes. Did you guys ever watch Pros vs. Joes? Like two seasons, basic idea is "A bunch of regular guys go up against random old professional athletes, and routinely get their ass kicked by a 50 year old man." It was insane. I watched like a season and a half back in college. Appointment viewing back when I lived with shotput guys. All the contestants are like dumb idiots who think they can compete with a 15 year NFL veteran. So the average American male.

Rewatching it reminds me of a couple things. Like first off, remember when I said this was insane? There's like "Try to outshoot Spud Webb on a NBA 3," and there's stuff like "Try to survive 3 minutes with Roy Jones." If you've never seen Roy Jones box, here's a gif to give you a sense of what he did to flesh.

And he's going up against used car salesmen. It's ridiculous. There's an episode where they have to survive 5 minutes with Randy Couture, former MMA fighter. It's not even fair, the winner was the guy who tapped out the least. One guy just kept tapping out before Couture could lock in the hold. Fuck it! That was the smart thing to do! Because another contestant said he heard his shoulderblade pop. This was the second event! I hope they weren't doing it all in one day, but it was Spike TV of the early 2000's so who the fuck no. THey keep saying "All the contestants signed waivers." OK, but is "sudden death" one of those waivers? If Michael Irvin brushed by me in the hallway I'd be in urgent care within the half hour.

Second, eh, these guys were all 50 at the time. So you also worry about the athletes and their health! Because they all get winded. And once they get winded the Joes can sneak by them and shit. And then they have inexplicable events. Like "Can you get a base hit against a pitching Jose Canseco?" Jose Canseco wasn't a pitcher! One time they put Jose Canseco in for Texas during a rout, and Canseco hurt himself. He's throwing fucking meatballs at both contestants. What the fuck.

Anyway there's an episode with the late Claude Lemiuex waiting for me so let's see if anyone gets seriously hurt.

Correction: yankees got SHELLED

Hey yankees lost!

www.maptap.gg July 4 99🎯 99🎯 100🎯 74😂 89🎉 Final score: 887

I didn't have time to do this this morning, so I did it now and got FUCKED on question 4.

lifesgrandparade

People setting off fireworks 15 minutes before a severe thunderstorm warning, you are a GENIUS.

lifesgrandparade

A night of fireworks being interrupted by a hellacious thunderstorm is a bummer cuz that means 1. People are just going to wait for this to pass by which means fireworks at 11:30, OR 2. People have a stockpile of fireworks they'll be able to set off for the next 4 months.

#I don't have a problem with fireworks but its a residential neighborhood man fuck off.

theactioneer

Sybil Danning's Adventure Video promo (1984)

People setting off fireworks 15 minutes before a severe thunderstorm warning, you are a GENIUS.

random-brushstrokes

John Koch - Morning (1971)

catasters

lifesgrandparade

Let me tell you about that gif of Lex Luger flexing on top of a bus with his name on it in front of two founding fathers who owned slaves, America's second most try hard president, and ol Honest Abe who aight. While wearing... Are those zubas? Are those American flag Zubas?

lifesgrandparade

You can see this as my 4th of July post, pick out whatever metaphors you think is entirely appropriate. I'm just talking wrasslin on America's glass anniversary and shit.

lifesgrandparade

OK. So Lex Luger I think gets a lot of heat for reasons both valid and nuanced. He came into the business because he played football for U Memphis, had a great look, AMAZING he Man muscles. Unlike most wrestlers of that age, he was kind of pushed to the stratosphere from the start without "earning it" in other people's eyes. It didn't help that the guy was... sort of oblivious. Not actively harmful, just... If you went to private school you've met 58 of these guys. Kinda like "Why would I need a summer job to buy a used car" types.

This btw, worked great as a heel. The Narcissist Lex Luger. He would look at himself in the mirror and flex. It's one of the great wrestling what have yous if promoters realized what they had instead of trying to turn him into the next coming of fucking Bruno Sammartino. Switch to Tape 4.

lifesgrandparade

Anyway, Vince got a look at this guy. First Vince wanted to make him the star of his ridiculous body building league? Which is a whole other great story for another time, but needless to say the body building league didn't work out. So you still have this guy under contract, who has a great look, ehhhhhh skills on the mike, and ehhhhh skills in the ring. This is when Lex had his Narcissist run. Like I said, good heel.

What Vince didn't have was someone to replace Hulk Hogan. Now, one thing we can say about Vincent Kennedy McMahon is he has a... certain man in mind, and that's a guy with blonde hair and big muscles and lats that could cut your fucking face open. He was also canny enough to know that Americans hate a foreign heel. At that point in the 90's, Americans had a hard on for the Japanese. Which is why the unstoppable force in the federation at the time, was a "Japanese by way of Samoa by way of San Francisco California" guy named Yokuzuna. Yokuzuna was a "sumo wrestler." I mean really he was a dude named Rodney but suspend your disbelief. No one could beat him. NObody could even get him off the ground.

Yokuzuna actually laid claim to *Ending* wrestlemania. IE he was the last guy Hulk Hogan faced before that two faced motherfucker left to film Thunder in Paradise and be an unreliable government witness. ANother story for another time.

Yokuzuna's "Evil" manager Mr. Fuji (A man with actual Japanese ancestry so give them that! Huge Mr. Fuji fan by the way). held this challenge on board the aircraft carrier USS Intrepid. Calling out the rest of the WWF and challenging them to bodyslam the 600 pound Yokuzuna. Many tried, many failed. This was akin to the greatest disaster since Pearl Harbor, if you believe the commentators. You know, Vince. (I ASSUME Vince was on the call, I"m not looking it up that deep).

THEN, a Helicopter lands, and here comes the former Narcissist, who had just gotten an injection of 20 CCs of goddamn America in his blood all of a sudden? And guess what. He awkwardly bodyslams Yokuzuna and our freedoms were preserved for another day. Where's his fucking statue donald? This was met with thunderous applause from the sailors. Hulk Hogan was gone, Hulkamania was over BROTHA, but here was a NEW Temu brand Hulk Hogan who dressed like an America 250 ad. And he bodyslammed Yokuzuna, striking a blow for American Auto-workers around the country. Things were going great.

lifesgrandparade

This made Luger the challenger for Yokuzuna's WWF Heavyweight belt. Oh yeah he had that btw. The bodyslam (Glorified hiptoss) was in April, Summerslam was in... summer.

Vince's great idea to promote this was to have Lex do whistlestop tours across the country on his "Lex Express" bus. Going from town to town, visiting places, and acting like he was running for goddamn president.

Here's the thing. First things first, I get the idea in "principle." In practice? That's a long time to have a wrestler away frm the ring for the most part. Lex was a lot of things, but charisma? Bit of a void. If you've been on a bus for more than two days, you can understand that it fucking sucks for everybody, and it especially sucked for Lex, a gym rat who was going to towns without a proper gym for a dude who was running on 100% creatine at the time.

Now let me tell you the local perspective. Wrestling internet was in its infancy so my data is pulled from people with a 212 zip code. But everybody fucking hated it. See, people were tired of Hulk Hogan's schtick, but Hulk had the rizz, and Hulk wasn't dressed like a fourth of July sale. So every week, seeing this guy flex in front of landmarks, and talk to average americans who mostly couldn't give a shit besides the fact that there were cameras around. Lemme tell you something about the hulkster my friend. Even when we got camera footage of him fucking Bubba the Love Sponge's wife, then talking about how he doesn't want his daughter dating black people, then talking about how racist he is? People were still willing to give him a chance. Even if I met the guy, I would have to remind myself that this guy's a two faced three dollar bill. I might be like "Ooooh Mr. Hogan I'm a married man."

Lex? Who from what I know, hasn't said anything so crass except to Elizabeth (Another story for another time). Naw. No one was buying this schtick. Even Vince saw that. Which is why when time came, after all this rah rah america shit, Lex defeated Yokuzuna by countout at summerslam. Belts can't change in count outs. He was quickly shuffled down the card and eventually got into a rivalry with an ACTUAL NAZI from Finland named Ludvig Borga. THATS a whole other story.

I made a mistake. THis wasn't Hulk Hogan's last WWF run in the 90s. What happened after this was a lot of shit I won't bore you with, but eventually the belt went to a CANADIAN named Bret the Hitman Hart. I believe Hart defended his title against Yokuzuna, but Hulk Hogan slithered his way back into the arms of Vince. Yokuzuna beat Hart, then Hogan came and beat him, which is why Bret Hart said "FUCK HOGAN" in front of three fingers of whiskey in that recent terrible documentary on Netflix.

Luger? Well. He was around for a bit. He left for WCW, beat Hulk Hogan for a cup of coffee title win, but for the most part his career was down after this. Got in a torrid relationship with Wrestling Angel Miss Elizabeth which is a WHOLE OTHER STORY, had several bad medical things, but is still kicking and believes in an invisible man in the sky. I'll give it to him on that, whatever, he seems like a decent dude nowadays.

And that's the story of All American Lex Luger. THer'es probably some mistakes here and there, I ain't no historian just a guy with a long memory and access to the internet. Does this say anything greater about American mythmaking? I'll leave that in you, the readers, hands.

lifesgrandparade

Let me tell you about that gif of Lex Luger flexing on top of a bus with his name on it in front of two founding fathers who owned slaves, America's second most try hard president, and ol Honest Abe who aight. While wearing... Are those zubas? Are those American flag Zubas?

lifesgrandparade

You can see this as my 4th of July post, pick out whatever metaphors you think is entirely appropriate. I'm just talking wrasslin on America's glass anniversary and shit.

lifesgrandparade

OK. So Lex Luger I think gets a lot of heat for reasons both valid and nuanced. He came into the business because he played football for U Memphis, had a great look, AMAZING he Man muscles. Unlike most wrestlers of that age, he was kind of pushed to the stratosphere from the start without "earning it" in other people's eyes. It didn't help that the guy was... sort of oblivious. Not actively harmful, just... If you went to private school you've met 58 of these guys. Kinda like "Why would I need a summer job to buy a used car" types.

This btw, worked great as a heel. The Narcissist Lex Luger. He would look at himself in the mirror and flex. It's one of the great wrestling what have yous if promoters realized what they had instead of trying to turn him into the next coming of fucking Bruno Sammartino. Switch to Tape 4.

lifesgrandparade

Anyway, Vince got a look at this guy. First Vince wanted to make him the star of his ridiculous body building league? Which is a whole other great story for another time, but needless to say the body building league didn't work out. So you still have this guy under contract, who has a great look, ehhhhhh skills on the mike, and ehhhhh skills in the ring. This is when Lex had his Narcissist run. Like I said, good heel.

What Vince didn't have was someone to replace Hulk Hogan. Now, one thing we can say about Vincent Kennedy McMahon is he has a... certain man in mind, and that's a guy with blonde hair and big muscles and lats that could cut your fucking face open. He was also canny enough to know that Americans hate a foreign heel. At that point in the 90's, Americans had a hard on for the Japanese. Which is why the unstoppable force in the federation at the time, was a "Japanese by way of Samoa by way of San Francisco California" guy named Yokuzuna. Yokuzuna was a "sumo wrestler." I mean really he was a dude named Rodney but suspend your disbelief. No one could beat him. NObody could even get him off the ground.

Yokuzuna actually laid claim to *Ending* wrestlemania. IE he was the last guy Hulk Hogan faced before that two faced motherfucker left to film Thunder in Paradise and be an unreliable government witness. ANother story for another time.

Yokuzuna's "Evil" manager Mr. Fuji (A man with actual Japanese ancestry so give them that! Huge Mr. Fuji fan by the way). held this challenge on board the aircraft carrier USS Intrepid. Calling out the rest of the WWF and challenging them to bodyslam the 600 pound Yokuzuna. Many tried, many failed. This was akin to the greatest disaster since Pearl Harbor, if you believe the commentators. You know, Vince. (I ASSUME Vince was on the call, I"m not looking it up that deep).

THEN, a Helicopter lands, and here comes the former Narcissist, who had just gotten an injection of 20 CCs of goddamn America in his blood all of a sudden? And guess what. He awkwardly bodyslams Yokuzuna and our freedoms were preserved for another day. Where's his fucking statue donald? This was met with thunderous applause from the sailors. Hulk Hogan was gone, Hulkamania was over BROTHA, but here was a NEW Temu brand Hulk Hogan who dressed like an America 250 ad. And he bodyslammed Yokuzuna, striking a blow for American Auto-workers around the country. Things were going great.

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