Hoo boy I have a story from college about this very topic! So let's set up the players.
There's Me, the narrator.
There's my pal N aka Girl Doug, aka Doug's Twin. One of my all time faves. She got deep into hippy shit so I'm not sure what happened to her. She went to New Zealand and any time I see her she's getting her hair done at the Gathering of the Vibes and shit. Hope she's doing well.
There's an English soccer player. He played for our school. How would I describe this dude. Well, he was tall, he was conventionally attractive, and he was English. He was a guy who at a glorified commuter school like ours, someone who SHOULD get laid like a brick.
Anyway, we were hanging out at the Irish pub that used to be in Power Plant, downtown, and we used to go there a lot because... like, we were dumb 21 year olds and didn't know what a proper bar was, much less a proper irish bar. It was a club, like everything else at that godforsaken hell hole.
Anyway N comes up to me, because we were each others wing person in matters of getting some. Sometimes she'd be like "Oh my smart intelligent friend Doug, oh, he's right over here!" And sometimes I'd be like "N, this is IT, We are BROKEN UP (Wink)." It worked occasionally, and it didn't matter because there was box wine and part drugs at home.
Anyway one time I see her talking to this English guy and I was like "Good Job Neens. Good job." Eventually she breaks away and she's like "Yeah I think I'm going to do it" and I said "Go for it girl, that's a proud notch on the bedpost." She was like "I don't know anything about soccer" and I was like "Yeah, I don't think he came out to the club thinking he was going to meet lady Johan Crujiff." We go over get some shots, she excuses herself to the bathroom, and I like make conversation.
Hey ya pal, you play for the dawgs right? Where you from? Oh I have family there, etc. etc. They're all Arsenal fans lol. "Oh I hate Arsenal." DON'T WE ALL pal. He's got like... I kinda expected he was going to have some sort of Idris affect, but he sounded like alvin and or the chipmunks off their shits on helium. Whatever. Oh N is great, she's a hoot. She gets back, I sashay back to the friend group and say N is gettin some today! Lol.
Twenty minutes later, she comes back and was like "Nah." I'm like "What happened." Well what happened was, this guy, leaned in, and in that fucking Christmas Don't Be Late accent of his, says "I'll give you an ORGasm you'll never forget." I wish she was here to do the voice, the way she said it was incredible. It was like her ovaries put on a hat, put their shit in a fucking briefcase, and said "Alright, good luck with that." She said some other shit, but the main shit was the line "I'll give you an orgasm you'll never forget." I don't think 007 could get away with it.
It was like embarrassing for men! I couldn't believe it, like don't be coming out with that Maxim Magazine bullshit and think it becomes you. I don't know if he had no game, or thought he didn't have to stress too hard. Not with that lady. I think she laughed in his face! I think she smacked the bar!
I think I could call her right now and open up with that and have a good ol laugh 20 years later. Hooo boy. Ooooorg asm. OOOOORcasm. Something like that. Own goal brother own goal.
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