Hey. Hi. Can anyone hear me?? Okay, fuck it
The Pitt/ASOIAF AU!! (Anyone who fucks with this please come share your pitt/asoifa headcannons)
ROBBY is HAND OF THE KING and hates his fucking job and wants to fuck off to the Free Cities or go join the godsforsaken Night’s Watch for a moment of peace but he can’t because in his mind he is holding up the GODDAMN WALLS. (One time he almost killed himself after a meeting with the Archmaester but met a cute novice of the Faith who briefly made him believe in good and chivalry again. He wonders where that kid is…)
LANGDON is a BARATHEON of Storm’s End who inherited at like 5 years old because his parents died on a shipwreck and he was fostered by Dana in the Vale. He was one of the greatest knights in the realm before a bad injury (maybe i’ll make him addicted to milk of the poppy) but he refuses to stop jousting because his only Father Figure ™ is ROBBY and he can’t bear to disappoint him. He has to marry someone soon before he GETS HIMSELF KILLED or House Baratheon will go kaput. His best friend is YOLANDA, which is curious since the dornish and the stormlanders have a thousand years of bad blood between them. He HATES his cousin TRINITY.
MEL is the young ruling lady of her House. Her father was the jolly but ineffective Lord Beesbury of Honeyholt, and he taught her all he knew about BEEKEEPING. She is interested in the wound-healing qualities of honey and wishes she could study at the Citadel and forge her silver link (healing arts) as a maester. She grew up visiting the City often since her mother and aunt were close (Florents by birth) and her aunt is married to Lord Hightower. TOO BAD her mother died in childbirth trying to give her father a male heir and her father withered away soon after in drink and desperation, FUCKING UP their lands and holdfast in the process. After their deaths, she and her twin BECCA became wards of her good-uncle. The might of Hightower protects her for now, but she needs to marry well if she wants to keep her bountiful lands protected after her father’s shitty rule. Too bad her prospects are TERRIBLE due to the wagging tongues of the Reach all whispering her sister is a lackwit and it must be in the blood.
(She meets Trinity and Dennis frolicking in Oldtown)
TRINITY is a Stark of Winterfell and wants to be a KNIGHT. After shunning all ladylike pursuits, her father arranged for her to be trained by Lady Mormont in arms and took her with him all over the North. Trinity is fearless and has a strong sense of justice. She SAVES a peasant girl from sexual assault by a group of lordings by KILLING THEM IN A RAGE. Unfortunately, two of them were heirs of their Houses and their fathers demanded RETRIBUTION. Instead of marrying her off quickly or sending her over to the silent sisters, her REED (crannogmen) mother convinces her father to “exile” their daughter to Dorne instead. This is only possible because when she was young she struck up a friendship with a Princess of Dorne in a tourney on Lannisport —they bonded over discussing poisons.
(the first option was sending Trinity over to her cousin Frank on Storm’s end, but she threatened to kill him in his sleep)
DENNIS is the SEVENTH son of HOUSE DARRY (the plowman), given over to the FAITH to become a septon. He was always very dutiful and pious, but has a revelation (after being nice to a sad beggar who turns out to be ROBBY) and decides to leave the Starry Sept to become a KNIGHT. Too bad no one of notice wants a former-novice, scrawny kid from a tiny house in bumfuck riverlands as a squire. Trinity finds him serving an abusive hedge-knight on her way through Oldtown and drags him off to Dorne with her.
DANA is an ARRYN, ruling Lady of the Vale in her own right —who loved but never had any children with her husband— so she was always taking on fosters from other houses. She will never admit it but Frank and Heather were her favorites. Now that her husband is dead, kids are gone and her castle is silent and cold again, she moved to the royal court on King’s Landing to help her childhood nuisance friend Robby rule their clusterfuck of a kingdom and serves on the Small Council. Dana never truly forgave Robby for his involvement with Heather and visits her in the Free Cities every year. She is considering taking little Emma Westerling as her next ward.
JACK is the Lord of BLACKHAVEN (because the Marches are said to produce the fiercest warriors in the kingdom). He is a childless WIDOW who lost a leg quenching a Greyjoy uprising many years past. His wife died of a sudden chill while he was away warring, and he NEVER forgave himself for not being with her at the end. He has no wish to re-marry. He and Robby grew up in the Eyrie as wards of Dana’s father and all three are still close to this day. He served in the Small Council and now fosters SHEN AND ELLIS (first Greyjoy with a brain in a hundred years).
EMERY WYL (coolest sigil in the world) is the Lady of THE BONEWAY, a Dornish castle close to Blackhaven and has been getting into squirmishes with stormlander Jack since the dawn of time.
YOLANDA NYMEROS MARTELL is the heir to SUNSPEAR, and the most fearsome lance of her House. She is known for her infamy in the battlefield and implacable wit. She was fostered for a short time on Runestone, where she caused scandal by her close “FRIENDSHIPS” with the young ladies of the Vale. There she met Frank, and they hated each other on sight. Nevertheless, barely a year after arrival, they were accosted by mountain clan members and had to fight together to survive the encounter; afterwards, they became fast friends. Yolanda returned to Dorne after the death of her uncle, who died with no issue, elevating her to first-in-line to the principality, following her mother. Her mother took in Trinity Stark to ward as a favor to a childhood friend, and she is Yolanda’s new plaything paramour.
(Yolanda and Frank are known for jointly smashing several Pirate incursions from the Narrow Sea, both on dornish and stormland shores.)
SAMIRA is the only daughter of a Tyrell of Highgarden. As a third son with little prospects, he was allowed to marry for love to a bold lady from House Blackmont. Samira loves to travel, and spent most of her childhood vaulting from Dorne to the Reach and back again. Her father died on the road from an infected wound when she was young; they weren’t able to find any maesters to treat him. When she was thirteen she disguised herself as a man and became a novice on the Citadel. Her dream is to serve not a lord in a castle, but the smallfolk who are not afforded any measure of healthcare or instruction. Months before she forges her final link, a sudden sickness claims her uncle, the heir of Highgarden and all his children. After an absurd chain of unfortunate events, her other uncles and cousins die in succession, leaving Samira as the heir apparent to Highgarden. House Tyrell does not lack for branches, however, and as a young, half-dornish woman, her succession and life are in great peril.
CASSANDRA CASSIE is the Lady of Riverrun who had a whirlwind summer romance with a fuckass TOURNEY KNIGHT named CHADWICK, who is also a FREY and she HAD TO MARRY HIM after getting pregnant during one of their encounters and refusing to drink tansy tea. Until this day, she is not sure if he ever loved her or did it out of ambition. He is a terrible, terrible HUSBAND who is ESTRANGED but won’t ever leave her ALONE because divorce is not a thing and he is nowhere CLOSE to INHERITING THE TWINS.
VICTORIA is a DAYNE of STARFALL. Her lord father was set to marry a Princess of Dorne, but she spurned him for someone else and her lady mother EILEEN is a QORGYLE who was meant to marry the heir of Sunspear, but he went and DIED YOUNG, so her parents married each other. After the death of her mother’s betrothed, Sunspear passed to YOLANDA’s mother. As her parents still hold a grudge, they mean to marry her to some great house outside of Dorne. Maybe the Lannisters? Victoria is currently at Riverrun as Cassie's ward and deeply in love with Ser Matteo.
JAMES OGILVIE is a LANNISTER who will be betrothed to Victoria Dayne soon. He has none of his House’s famed charm, although his wit is nothing to scoff at. His greatest desire is to bequeath his inheritance to some random cousin and move to the Citadel to become Archmaester, but his family forces him to become a KNIGHT instead.
JOY IS A WHENT of HARRENHAL. She is PASSIONATE about the bloody history of her big-ass half-melted castle and can’t wait to see what will be her OWN family’s demise, as she summarily believes Harrenhal withers every hand who touches it . She loves to tell James all about her (fake) blood sacrifices and (made up) curses and spells.
WHO is the KING/QUEEN? Where’s House Targaryen? Man, IDK.
dededos
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
areudirty
andulkaphoto
