!but! @concealdontfckingfeel-blog - Tumblr Blog

why hasn’t this fever let up?

to my baby girl,

You’re the grandest masterpiece. An abstract oil painting– unorganized and messy but oh so deep and interesting to be with. I wonder all the time about how deep your colours run and how the texture of the oil paint feels underneath the pads of my fingers when I’m allowed to touch the art that no one else will ever dare lay a longing glance on. I think about the way you sit in your frame, every scuff mark and nick and gouge and splinter, every engraved detail that I could look at for hours an memorize with my eyes closed; you’re a marvel, a phenomenon, a rarity and a goddess walking among us mere feeble excuses for some sort of Devine reflection of a higher power. You’re vibrancy makes the pictures dance like a cowboy shooting at someone’s feet, dance like a ballerina desperate for the lead role. Makes my insides yell and scream and shiver and shriek in a chorus of verses I’ll never write down, only feel when I look at you, touch you, taste you..

How many brush stokes did it take to make that colour of your heart? I can’t word how many it would take to paint the sky with all the words I want to string together when it comes to even just the thought of you. Splash watercolours over acrylics and watch them bead off the bold and seep into the canvas like the bruises we’ve carried, only to hand each other a new brush dipped in dirty water asking, “please, make it pretty again?”

You’re every painting of a flower I’ve ever seen. Every dainty silhouette, every tint of color rolling into vibrancy, every centre so perfectly complex and enchanting that I could stare for hours; with my head cocked, until my eyes crossed and my knees gave way under me. You’re every curve in the words that come barreling out of my pen– whether it be top speed, ripping through the paper like a round of bullets of some sharp words in the heat of a moment, or slow and careful, calculated and planned and stepped around like mud puddles or dew worms on the sidewalk in the rain; you’ve always connected the ink in my veins to the ink in every pen I touch. You ignite my mind like a firework launched at an old typewriter– messy and chaotic, keys and letters melt and squeal from the flames while the rest is a host to the pretty explosions of colours I’d paint the sky with if it meant it would make you smile.

i’m so unapologetically in love with you. from the moment my eyes fixated on you, you had me. and you’ll have me for the rest of forever, however long that is.

don’t ever forget what you mean to me, baby.

yours, forever and always.

xo frnk 🖤

#fi*

nightmares won’t stop plaguing me. whether it’s him showing up in front of my face. whether it’s them leaving or dying or getting lost. whether it’s my whole family setting alight. they’re murdering my brain. i don’t know what to do.

My head, my life, my thoughts, my home, my worry...all places I could so fucking easily get lost in. I don’t know where I am most of the time, I don’t know what I feel most of the time.

The most I feel is when I’m by their sides. Or when I’m singing loudly and proudly and with nothing but power in my voice, power and loss and that fucking ache that strains my heart but soothes my skin and bones. I get lost in those feelings too.

Being entangled in not one but three pairs of arms that love me must be all I’ve ever needed because when I’m with them there’s nothing that could ever be wrong. And no amount of misdirection or disorientation can shake that unwavering, solid feeling of peace in my core when they’re with me.

#gw*#fi*#bm*

so...

frank relapsed and then overdosed. bert lied to us about visiting taylor. gerard ran away to his mum’s before coming back to check on frank in the hospital.

why do I feel like none of this would have happened if I hadn’t have wiggled my way into their lives? this all happened right after I became...part of them. did I throw off the natural balance? did I fuck things up? if i did...if i did I’ll never forgive myself. they’d need to let me go if that’s the case.

skyvibrations

(✿◠‿◠)

#im so sorry you had to go through what you went through #i thought i could protect you from everything #i love you

why is everyone lying? I...I don’t know what to do. I’m trying.

it’ll only be bad once you start to need it, it’ll only be bad once you start to need it, it’ll only be bad once you start

max didn’t even reply to me? but he could make a text post. now I have no way of knowing if that text post was in regards to our conversation but it felt like it. then danny reblogged it? I’m a little...anxious. paranoid? probably just paranoid. fuck, i feel like everyone hates me.

if he sends me one more fucking piece of mail I’m going to slice his other hand off.

#john doe*

ichor-suggestion

your eyes turn to honey in the sunlight

#gw*#fi*

365filmsbyauroranocte

Cronaca di un amore (Michelangelo Antonioni, 1950)

some nasties on the internet today.

thegoodvybe

I don’t know why I’m surprised. I don’t know why I thought I was worth anything more to him than a fling, a two month fuck, a brief pitstop on his journey to ‘bettering himself’. Now he’s back with William and I hope to fuck it’s worth it. I hope that hurting me and fucking me around and breaking my heart was worth it. Fuck him for ever making me feel guilty for dumping him. Fuck him for ever making me fall in love with him only to be reminded, once again, that I was never the one he truly wanted.

All I care about now is being safe with my three saviours. People who I can tell actually give a fuck about me, people who listen to my worries and talk to me about their’s like they trust me. People who I want to surround myself in and never emerge from. My boys.

#gs*#gw*#fi*#bm*#wb*

trivial. meaningless. nothing. i meant nothing. a blip on your radar. a tiny hiccup in your life. fucking less than a fling.

need to get the fuck out of england. he won’t leave me alone and I feel like I’m drowning in my own anxiety.

#john doe*

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