I hate that I can't forget you. I hate that I can't just let you go. I hate that even though you've cheated on me....even though you broke my heart....even though you moved on so fast....none of it matters. I hate that I would take you back in a heartbeat just to make the pain stop....just to let you break my heart again. I hate that I can't stop hoping that one day we'll be together again and that it can be the way it once was. I hate that I want to let you go, but my heart says no.
It really hurts me that you say you chose her because you don't want to fuck her over...that you aren't "gonna fuck someone over who invests their time in you like that." It makes me feel like the time I invested in you doesn't mean shit to you. Like all the time I invested in you while you were in boot camp, or overseas, or in the last five years period...means nothing. I invested time in you and now you saying that about her....that's what makes me feel like I got fucked over. The other thing that bothers me about this "relationship" with her (and this isn't coming from your ex, this is coming from a friend who cares about you), is that she's leaving in a month? And yet you're talking about getting serious with her? I'm really sorry, but how is that a good idea? How do you really see things going anywhere with her when you have a month to really build a foundation with her? And even if you guys decide to keep trying after she leaves...how does THAT makes sense because then you'd be right back where you started...not having that person around. I guess I just don't understand, and believe me I would like to.
The other thing that I want to say about that is...remember Tyler? Remember how you were so upset when I started dating him and how I felt like I had an obligation to him so I couldn't be with you? You were the one that told me to follow my heart...not an obligation. I realize that you care for Rachael...just like I cared for Tyler. I'm not trying to convince you to get back together with me...I'm just saying...make sure you're following your heart and not doing something because you feel obligated to (and that includes anything towards me). Just think about that okay?
You're right about us falling apart. I won't argue with you on that one. We did fall apart. And maybe we aren't as compatible right now as we once were but call me crazy, I do still think we're compatible and that we could get back to where we were. Despite everything, I still believe we have that in us. Yes, we had/have issues, again I won't argue on that point. In this past year, we haven't been nearly as honest and open with each other as we should have been. And you're absolutely right, that drove a wedge between us. And I can't even pretend to be hurt by the thought that you've contemplated breaking up for awhile now, because you're not the only one who has. I have too...I thought about it while you were overseas, I though about it after you came home...but I always had a reason not to go through with it. It's the same reason I don't want this break up to last...the same reason why...despite everything...if you said you wanted to...I'd get back together with you in a heartbeat...the same reason why...if you up and decided you were ready...I would still marry you tomorrow. My reason is (I've said it before and I'll say it again) I love you...I love who you are flaws and all....mistakes and all...I love you and even with everything that's happened...everything that's gone wrong in the last year...everything that's come to light in the past few weeks...hours even...I STILL love you and have faith in you...and I STILL believe in us and what we can be together. Call me crazy if you want...call me stubborn (I know I am)...but it's true.
As far as me deserving better...you're right, I do. But the thing is I want better from YOU. I know the man you are...I know the man you're capable of being. I've seen him...I've seen you BE him...you ARE him. I don't deserve to be cheated on...I don't deserve to be with a guy who flirts with other women...I don't. You're right. I know you're capable of being better than that...I know you're capable of being the man I deserve...because that's who you were when I fell in love with you. To me...that's who you still are...Yes I have high expectations for you...but that's only because I know you can meet them...you met them for the first four years of our relationship...but I think somewhere along the way...you lost faith in yourself.... You began to think that I put you up on the pedestal...you began to think I have impossibly high standards for you...You know what I think? I think you just didn't have high enough standards for yourself. You say you were scared to be honest with because you didn't want to let me down...Honey, you're human. I know that. I don't expect you to actually BE perfect...but you ARE perfect to me. In my eyes...you still are...even with all the mistakes that lie between us. I still have the utmost respect for you...the highest regard for you...absolute faith you. I just wish you believed in yourself even half as much I do. I wish I could articulate this better. Do you remember that guy who can't bear to see a girl upset? That guy who would do anything he could to make her smile? Remember that guy who could make me laugh easier than anything...even when I didn't want to? Remember that guy who would call me even just to say goodnight? Yeah, that was you. You were and gave me everything I could have ever wanted in/from a man. You were/are my epitome of what a man/bf should be. You make mistakes, but that's okay. I make mistakes too. We're not perfect...we're not meant to be.
I could be off here...but I don't it's so much as you believe that I deserve better...I think it's more that you think you don't deserve me and if that's the case...if deep down..that's the truth...then honey you're crazy...because I don't fall in love with men, I don't commit to men who don't deserve me. If you think I deserve better...then have more faith in yourself.
If we ever decide to try things again...I don't EVER want you to be afraid of being honest with me...even if we never get back together...I STILL don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. Am I happy that you cheated me? Of course not. Would I have been hurt and angry and upset if you had told me straight away? You bet. But you know what? I would have gotten over it. Know why? Because I'm the type of person that wants to know WHY you cheated...what was wrong that was caused you cheat? 9 times out of 10, the problems that lead to cheating are problems that can be fixed. I would have been totally pissed off....but I would have forgiven you. Funny thing is...I have forgiven you. I don't even care that you cheated on me. I still want to know when and why...but the fact that you cheated doesn't matter to me. What upsets me is that you felt you couldn't be honest with me even when I gave you several chances to be honest with me...to just come clean. Because what you seem to fail to realize...is yeah the cheating bothers me...obviously....but what bothers me more is the suspicion...the uncertainty...the dishonesty. THAT'S my biggest issue. Because all that...breeds mistrust...the mistrust creates distance...and distance is what makes us unable to recognize ourselves as who we once were together. All I've ever wanted was for you to just. be. honest. with me...to communicate with me. That's all want from you now. That's why I'm so Hell bent on an actual conversation with you. It's us retreating from each other...hiding our true thoughts and feelings from each other that's going to keep us from getting anywhere.
And because I feel like I can't reiterate this enough. You ARE perfect to me...imperfectly perfect if you will. I don't expect you to NEVER makes mistakes...mistakes aren't going to make me love you any less...or think any less of you...again I know you're human. Don't be afraid of making mistakes...try NOT to make them but if you do...just own up to them. Say
"yes, I made a mistake. A mistake that hurt you and I'm sorry." Trust me, if you mean it, that will go a LONG way...especially if...like me...you're willing to try and fix the root of those mistakes. It comes down to respect...If you respect me...respect me (or whoever you're with) enough not to cheat in the first place...but because you're human and you will make mistakes...then respect me (or whomever) enough to be honest about it. And I promise to do the same (so should whoever you're with).
As far as the picture of the Benson goes...I really wasn't trying to hurt you with those...or tempt you...or be spiteful in ANY way those...It was meant more as a peace offering and I'm sorry it didn't come off that way to you. I really meant no disrespect to you by sending you that picture. In the moment when I saw that house...I was at peace. At peace about everything that had happened thus far. I was happy because I COULD remember those happy times without it hurting and all I was trying to do by sending you that photo was express that to you. And I'm really REALLY sorry that that's not how you interpreted it. The other feeling I got that day (and I've already mentioned this), is that maybe we've made all the memories that we were supposed to up to this point...but I still feel like this isn't the end of our story...not yet...I still feel like there's more ahead for us. Like I said...I still believe in us. I love you and I want to be with you...but I'm more understanding of the fact that I can't be with you right now. It still hurts....and I'm still hoping for a reconciliation...but I'm also aware that getting what I want is probably going to take some time (am I happy about that...HELL NO...but can I be understanding of that....yes). I will always want you...I may not always LIKE you...but I WILL always LOVE you. And again...because again I feel like I can't reiterate this enough....all I really want is for you to be happy (sure I'd prefer it if you were happy with ME...but that's not what's really important).
As for me...I'm going to work on me too. I'm going to work on improving the things I don't like about me. Because...like you...I should have been more open and honest as well. When something was wrong...I shouldn't have held it in and hoped it'd go away. I'm going to work on improving how I see myself...I'm going to work harder on loving myself. I'm going to work on me...for me...because I want to...but also because...if we ever do get back together in the future...I want to be more deserving of you as well and I want to be better able to make you happy. I want to be able to really fulfill your needs the way I would want you to fulfill mine (which just to be clear, you were generally really good at). I just want be enough for you.
I'm sorry for any mistakes that I've made in the past...or even more recently. I'm sorry if I ever did anything to push you farther away from me because all I wanted to do was pull you closer. I'm sorry for anything I've ever done that's hurt you or upset you or made you unhappy in any way. I'm sorry if I've ever been overbearing or too demanding or anything like that. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like you weren't good enough. I just hope that things can be better between us from here on out...whether we're just friends or more.
I hate not being able to talk to you. I hate knowing that I have the physical capability of picking up the phone and calling you or texting you, but I can't do that anymore. When I told you to choose between fixing us or ending us...I really thought you'd choose to fix us. But you didn't. And that hurt more than you could ever really understand. Because all I've ever wanted was to be someone's ONE. To be the only girl to ever catch your attention...to be the only girl to make you go weak in the knees. All I ever wanted was to know that we could make it through anything...that you'd always be there...that you'd never want anyone else...and you made me believe I had that. But then everything changed. You went away to build our dreams...and the truth came out. I wasn't really enough for you. I wasn't capable of holding on to your love. We let things fall apart...and you chose not to try to put it back together. You chose a life without me in it...and now I'm sitting here with a shattered heart. You got caught up in the single life you never really had...and I guess I can't blame you for that. But now everything feels like a lie.
I thought we'd always be together. I thought we would be the couple to survive it all. But I guess I was wrong. You said you love me more than I'll ever know...was that just to pacify me? To make me "feel better?" It can't be the truth because if it was, you wouldn't be sitting there debating between a life with me and trying out somebody new. You wouldn't be contemplating staying single just so you can have sex with anyone you can get. I can't even fathom you wanting a relationship with someone else because how can you go from wanting to marry me...to wanting a relationship with someone else? Unless everything you ever told was a lie...and that right there is my biggest fear. I don't want what I thought we had to be made irrelevant because you fell for someone else. The fact that you're even contemplating sleeping with someone else sickens me.
I just wish you could see me...see how I'm feeling...and I wish I could know what you were really thinking. Is this killing you as much as it's killing me? If it is, why are you letting it go on? This whole situation is just fucked up and I wish I could go back and do things differently.
This is something I've wanted to try out for a long while now. An online diary. Sure, it's public. But that's what makes it...fun. Unique. Interesting.
Here's my problem today...well my problem most days anymore.
I'm a One Direction fan. It's quite obvious when you look at me. I walk around with their bracelet on my arm every day. My computer background is 1D related, I'm constantly blogging about them. I'm obsessed, but not in a bad, creepy, stalkery way. You'll never catch me trying to mob them outside of their hotels or homes.
But I'm like other in that I picture what my life would be like if I was one of the lucky few...If I was the one that was lucky enough to call them mine everyday.
Sure, it'd be tough and at times scary. People out there are crazy. They're borderline psychotic when it comes to the boys. Everyone wants a piece of them in some way or another and so the jealous and competition are ridiculous, especially among they're younger, more impressionable fans.
To those of us who are able to conduct ourselves appropriately, it's frustrating. Our chances of actually making a connection with one of the guys is reduced every time a rogue fan crosses the line.
Sometimes it gets to the point where I wish the boys had never become famous. I mean I'm glad they have, I'm glad they've gotten to live their dream and not spend their lives wondering "what if" but all the negativity they've experienced because of this I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I also have a selfish reason for sometimes wishing I'd never known they existed. I'm no stranger to wanting someone I can't have. That's happened to me throughout my entire life. I've had crushes on guys who just weren't interested or liked my best friends instead. I've almost never been a guy's first choice.
Drew is one of the few exceptions. He's great and has always treated me well. But ever since he went into the army...things have changed. I've changed. It sucks that he's never around...I hate that I can never talk to him when I want. I hate that it's not as easy as sending him a text when I'm thinking about him, knowing he'll text me back in a few minutes. Sure I can message him...ahh the wonders of the internet...but because of his job, sometimes he doesn't answer for days. Plus, I'm in college, I'm growing and changing and discovering more and more who I really am...and I kind of wish I was doing that single. I hate feeling like a single woman only to remember that I'm (for lack of a better word) trapped in a relationship that at the moment, has ZERO benefits. There is nothing remotely comforting about my relationship with Drew right now. Yes, I have the knowledge that he loves me and misses me and wants to marry me as soon as he can. At one time I wanted to marry him. I wanted it with everything I am...but now...I don't.
I'm not saying this change is ENTIRELY One Direction's fault, but it is at least partially. They opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not quite as happy with my life as I'd once thought. They showed me just how fiercely I can want someone else, when before, I wanted no one but Drew. Technically speaking, Drew is an easy fix. All I have to do is break it off. Tell him good bye...well it sounds easy anyway. (How do you just say goodbye to someone who's been in your life for so long, and has been such a huge part of it?) Danielle and Liam's recent breakup has made me reconsider my relationship with Drew even more. There are no similarities between us and them except that like Liam and Danielle, Drew and I are the couple that everyone swears was destined for each other, are perfect for each other, should just get married already. I'm sure Dani and Liam still love each other, and I'll always love Drew...the circumstances for our breakup would be totally different from theirs, but...if they can survive...couldn't I?
Except that I'm not nearly as attractive as they are. I don't have people lining up to be with me. What if I break it off with Drew, and then end up worse off than I am? I don't want to settle, but I'm also afraid of passing up something that could be really great in the future once we're able to actually BE TOGETHER again. I just don't know anymore.
It doesn't help when I stop to consider how badly I want to be with Niall. I know it's not exactly acceptable to say you're in love with someone you've never even met, and I guess realistically I'm not "in love" because he doesn't love me (doesn't know I exist), but I do love him. Genuinely and wholeheartedly. And I'd love to really get to know him and fall even more in love with him. I'd love to be the one who makes him happy. The one who makes him feel better on his off days. The one who knows his fears and comforts him when he needs it. It's ridiculous the amount of emotion he causes me to feel without me ever having met him.
Yeah okay, I get it. I'm a fan. It's part of the territory. Loving your idol. But I'm also a rational, sane, intelligent person. I know when something isn't normal for me, and it's not normal for me to love an "idol" like this. If this is just some silly fangirl crush...I hope I get over it soon. That this desire to have him in my life goes away. I don't want to imagine scenarios where he and I end up together. It hurts to much because the rational, sane, intelligent, realistic part of me tells me constantly that he'll never be mine. I hate wanting someone I can't have. Why can't I just be happy with Drew...the way I've always been. Why can't I get back that fervor and elation I felt at the thought of marrying him. I hate desires and emotions. They really fuck shit up sometimes.
