I’ve been wondering a lot about this feeling of having nothing to give. You know those times when you feel empty for no reason and feel like you have nothing to give to anything or to anyone? Lately I’ve been having thee moments more and more and it makes want to be alone. And it makes me inert. And I choose to ignore calls and texts. And that’s frightening. I can’t do that. Not now.
Occasionally I feel like it’s something intrinsically wrong with me like I’m missing an ingredient or something, but it’s probably a byproduct of spending too much time alone and being too much in my head. But I don’t think that’s true. Maybe it’s just a time to figure out how to refuel? To reflect on the things that give you that energy so you can have something to give and do those?? Especially to the people you love and value. Cause I don’t want to lose those.
Anyway I’m have to grow. Grow or Get Left 2016. Too many false starts this year. Tooo many.
This is something I've wanted to try out for a long while now. An online diary. Sure, it's public. But that's what makes it...fun. Unique. Interesting.
Here's my problem today...well my problem most days anymore.
I'm a One Direction fan. It's quite obvious when you look at me. I walk around with their bracelet on my arm every day. My computer background is 1D related, I'm constantly blogging about them. I'm obsessed, but not in a bad, creepy, stalkery way. You'll never catch me trying to mob them outside of their hotels or homes.
But I'm like other in that I picture what my life would be like if I was one of the lucky few...If I was the one that was lucky enough to call them mine everyday.
Sure, it'd be tough and at times scary. People out there are crazy. They're borderline psychotic when it comes to the boys. Everyone wants a piece of them in some way or another and so the jealous and competition are ridiculous, especially among they're younger, more impressionable fans.
To those of us who are able to conduct ourselves appropriately, it's frustrating. Our chances of actually making a connection with one of the guys is reduced every time a rogue fan crosses the line.
Sometimes it gets to the point where I wish the boys had never become famous. I mean I'm glad they have, I'm glad they've gotten to live their dream and not spend their lives wondering "what if" but all the negativity they've experienced because of this I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I also have a selfish reason for sometimes wishing I'd never known they existed. I'm no stranger to wanting someone I can't have. That's happened to me throughout my entire life. I've had crushes on guys who just weren't interested or liked my best friends instead. I've almost never been a guy's first choice.
Drew is one of the few exceptions. He's great and has always treated me well. But ever since he went into the army...things have changed. I've changed. It sucks that he's never around...I hate that I can never talk to him when I want. I hate that it's not as easy as sending him a text when I'm thinking about him, knowing he'll text me back in a few minutes. Sure I can message him...ahh the wonders of the internet...but because of his job, sometimes he doesn't answer for days. Plus, I'm in college, I'm growing and changing and discovering more and more who I really am...and I kind of wish I was doing that single. I hate feeling like a single woman only to remember that I'm (for lack of a better word) trapped in a relationship that at the moment, has ZERO benefits. There is nothing remotely comforting about my relationship with Drew right now. Yes, I have the knowledge that he loves me and misses me and wants to marry me as soon as he can. At one time I wanted to marry him. I wanted it with everything I am...but now...I don't.
I'm not saying this change is ENTIRELY One Direction's fault, but it is at least partially. They opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not quite as happy with my life as I'd once thought. They showed me just how fiercely I can want someone else, when before, I wanted no one but Drew. Technically speaking, Drew is an easy fix. All I have to do is break it off. Tell him good bye...well it sounds easy anyway. (How do you just say goodbye to someone who's been in your life for so long, and has been such a huge part of it?) Danielle and Liam's recent breakup has made me reconsider my relationship with Drew even more. There are no similarities between us and them except that like Liam and Danielle, Drew and I are the couple that everyone swears was destined for each other, are perfect for each other, should just get married already. I'm sure Dani and Liam still love each other, and I'll always love Drew...the circumstances for our breakup would be totally different from theirs, but...if they can survive...couldn't I?
Except that I'm not nearly as attractive as they are. I don't have people lining up to be with me. What if I break it off with Drew, and then end up worse off than I am? I don't want to settle, but I'm also afraid of passing up something that could be really great in the future once we're able to actually BE TOGETHER again. I just don't know anymore.
It doesn't help when I stop to consider how badly I want to be with Niall. I know it's not exactly acceptable to say you're in love with someone you've never even met, and I guess realistically I'm not "in love" because he doesn't love me (doesn't know I exist), but I do love him. Genuinely and wholeheartedly. And I'd love to really get to know him and fall even more in love with him. I'd love to be the one who makes him happy. The one who makes him feel better on his off days. The one who knows his fears and comforts him when he needs it. It's ridiculous the amount of emotion he causes me to feel without me ever having met him.
Yeah okay, I get it. I'm a fan. It's part of the territory. Loving your idol. But I'm also a rational, sane, intelligent person. I know when something isn't normal for me, and it's not normal for me to love an "idol" like this. If this is just some silly fangirl crush...I hope I get over it soon. That this desire to have him in my life goes away. I don't want to imagine scenarios where he and I end up together. It hurts to much because the rational, sane, intelligent, realistic part of me tells me constantly that he'll never be mine. I hate wanting someone I can't have. Why can't I just be happy with Drew...the way I've always been. Why can't I get back that fervor and elation I felt at the thought of marrying him. I hate desires and emotions. They really fuck shit up sometimes.
it's hard to make up your mind.
trying so hard to get up to a point,
only to find out that i was for nothing.
please tell me this is only a part of the road.
sincerely, the reason.
I've made such a mess for myself here, I can't undo what I did. I've never seen my parents so hurt before, and they are truly disappointed in me. I've made more than a mistake, I've changed my own fate into heading in the wrong direction. Now I've made people I care about feel such pain, and it pains me to see them like this. But it's my fault, I've made this mess. And this, this I can't fix. It's too broken to fix. And it will take years to place back together. I've made my parents lose faith in me, and I have to live with this now. I have to live with this mistake. I would say I am sorry, but sorry doesn't help.
