[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

death didn’t used to scare me

i jus had to do it right

couldn’t do it myself…unless it was 3 days before easter or i tricked God somehow else

it’s a hard life when you’re living to die

praying for your next mistake to kill you this time

waking up on sunday full of disappointment and regret

off to church again, gotta ask for forgiveness in order to do it next weekend

questioning it all just to hate yourself more

cause if there isn’t a god what are you living for?

can’t get into heaven if you kill yourself but heaven isn’t even there…

once a little girl so desperate to die to see heaven

now just another “nonbeliever” but still so desperate

still solving your problems by dreaming of death

why doesn’t it scare you yet?

why do you yearn for the nothingness…still punishing yourself for sins you don’t even believe in?

5.11.24

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

love? letters to ur mom

dear mom,

this one goes out to all the tiny details you caught, but especially the ones you did not

all my dirty secrets you somehow know

and all the facts you try to ignore

mom, why didn’t you teach me to say no ?

you taught me to be quiet, you told me to wait, all i ever knew was how to obey

ninety seven percent, yet you forget?

mommy, you were supposed to warn me what the boys would do…but instead i was quiet, instead i waited

waited until i was done being used and kept quiet still, scared to be tainted.

didn’t you know i needed you? needed someone to say it wasn’t my fault, but instead i couldn’t even talk.

3.11.24

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

gone /1/14/24

if i could wish myself away

i’d already be dead

constantly pushing the urge to act

holding onto whoever keeps you from that step

(but how many more days can i last)

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

cpr

pulling you in then pushin you off

all my brains wires are crossed

a part of me wants to keep you close

but i’m overwhelmed by the urge to push

push your buttons

push you away

push you until you break

what do i have to do to get a reaction from you

used to a war in my mind and my life

all i want is for you to yell

all i want if for you to end it all

don’t make me make this call

how many times can i push you away

before it turns into cpr

keeping us alive without a spark

playing games to keep that back n forth

make you think you love me

is that true or do i jus have a hold on you

heart compressions keep you breathing

but is this a life you wanna live?

heart compressions to make the game even

are we better alive or dead?

1.13.24

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

platonic

is that the type of love you feel for me?

that’s what i’m supposed to feel for you

thought i could convince myself it was true

but I miss you as if you were a part of me

you’ve fit into my life just like a puzzle piece

& that’s what scares me

when did you become someone I need

now you’re at the end of every dream

how can we have a happy ending without all 3

& what does that mean

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

10.11.23

i can't control all the spinning thoughts in my brain

i can't control anything unless i just turn it all off

i'm better at being zombie me

she doesn't think so much

i'm constantly on the verge of a breakthrough or a breakdown

i wish you could feel my thoughts

i'm always thinking too much

the revelations i have in my brain

the highs and lows i'm living all at once

i have to turn it off to stay sane

but all u do is turn me on

and yes i mean that in every way

what do i have to do to get you out of my brain

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

you can't trust anything i say

i know i don't

I think so many conflicting thoughts

which ones can i trust?

you've turned my body into a war zone

but i'm fighting myself, this war cant be won

love is a losing game, but I already feel like i've lost, I dont think i can take this much

i get overwhelmed by your presence, get lost in your touch, i dont think i can take this much

when i'm in your arms I'm already in love, accepted my fate that im too far gone, but the moment you leave my brain screams run, i dont think i can take this much

you make me feel so safe and loved, but i dont like that stuff

you make me feel invincible, but only when we touch

i dont think you should have to take this much

you can't fight this battle for me, you can't be the one to pull me through, i can't let myself be too much for you

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

i dont think you understand how much pain i am in

you've switched on my emotions and I can't stop them

i need to shut down

need to push you out

how dark do i need to go to find

find the courage to let you go

i've already let you get too close

i don't want to let you get hurt

caught in the mess i always leave behind

i can never give you that piece of mind

theres always going to be a part of me that wants to flee

i cant let you get too close to me

find the monster inside, shes not so kind

when she takes control i'll have to let you go,

when she takes control i dont know

will i still care

will i still want you there

or will i cut the rope

just to watch you fall

i dont think you understand maybe it isnt the darkness at all

ive thrown my balance off

lit a match inside my brain,

maybe the light's the problem

the darkness keeps me safe,

covers my secrets in shade,

if i can't see them i can pretend they're not there

i havent been able to think straight in so long

i need to be numb

the numb gets shit done

i don't need anything

i could literally give anything up,

if i wanted to i could stop

stop it all

i can stop eating, sleeping, feeling

hold my breath until i'm on the floor

but i havent in so long

i need to get things done

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

I'm not ready yet, of this I know

I'm not ready yet, how far can we go?

I was not built for this, I've been adding this edition myself

I was not built for this, can I have a little help

you've done so much already, what more can you do

you've done so much already, what more can I ask of you

so much of me has changed because of you

so much of me has changed, i dont know what else to do

i know i need to grow, but the growing pains are getting to be too much

i know i need to grow, but my mind tells me to hush

dont ask questions you don't want to know the answers to, this has always been my motto

dont ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, but you've infiltrated my mind and i've got to

got to start fillling in the blanks, my body screams this is a mistake

got to start filling in the blanks, how much of my life has been fake?

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

plans

every time i let someone in i lose a piece of myself

i get caught up in the moment

everyone thinks i'm jus blowing in the wind

but i used to have direction

i've always had so many plans

dreams that can never be

dreams that used to be everything to me

dreams that i gave away in the name of love

i've never loved myself enough to stand my ground

maybe that's starting to change

maybe i wanna live again

or at least live long enough to make a difference

could be my delusions but something inside me screams i was meant for greatness

ive got so many ideas

i've just got to follow through on em

•••

can i follow through on you?

•••

can i do both?

i don't know if it's you or me

but i don't feel like i have to give up my dreams

maybe you could still be there for me?

i've got places to go

and some things i just have to do alone

but you've got me thinking

thinking a warm fire could be nice to come home to

your warm heart even more so

a warm heart to keep my spark

make sure my coal still burns

my hearts been dark n cold for so long

maybe you can keep me going when i go too far?

sometimes i just can't stop

i burn until i can't anymore

but then i can't get up, sometimes i just need a hand

but i hate to ask

think you could scoop me up?

without a word?

would u know when?

i think i might let you in

i'm really tryin

but my brain can't believe this is any different

not sure why my heart trusts you so much

but lately you've been in the back of my plans

10.10

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

lately

i've been stuck in my head

overthinking everything

overwhelmed by emotions

trying to find meaning in things

but who am i to say what anything means

all my thoughts spin until they get stuck

then i'm paralyzed

physically sucked into the void

stumped by a thought i jus had but can no longer find

what is that darkness in the back of my mind

and when did it start growing

one day i jus woke up stuck in the middle, darkness on all sides

there's so much in my mind i can't even begin to touch

but despite it not being able to be named it still has me trained

guarded for reasons i cant even outline

i've been distracting myself for so long i can't help but get stuck

how can i live with all these indiscernible thoughts

and how can i move when they've got me stuck

10.6.23

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

8.24.23

what if i like you more than i should even though i know that you're no good. what if i accept myself as a casualty in this war that you have waged in me, would that mean something? what if everything goes right and we make it to the other side, i don't know what happens next? what if i'm never ready to take that step? what if you could be someone i could love & could that be enough? what if my brain could stop thinking, would my heart start beating? and if it did would it beat for you...and if it was would that be too much cause i don't want to lose myself in u

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

8.23.23

i know there's more to do than jus sit and stare at you for hours, but for now jus let me stare

i know i can't hold you forever, but could you scoot a little closer for now?

we can do all the things one day, but today i jus want you

want you to hold me a little tighter cause that's all that's getting me through

pulling me up out of the water cause my heads always drowning when i look at you

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

ultimatums in my mind

i can't make a decision, but once i decide there's no going back...no matter how wrong i am

i love it when we're close but when i'm alone i hate the way i've let you sink in, don't know if i could get you off my skin again

i want to tell you everything, but never get that far, why can't i just keep telling you things in mind

there's always at least two voices in my head, most of the time more, how do i know which thoughts to explore and which to ignore?

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

back of my mind

lately your name has been having its way with my brain

you're always runnin circles in the back of my mind

i jus wanna be with you all the time

but this is where i let myself get burned

burned by my own lust cause i know this can't be love

baby, you've got me feeling too much

overwhelmed by emotions, who am i to name em?

what if i just keep saying i like you a lot?

what if there will never be enough words to sum this feeling up?

10.5.23

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

war

i'm the princess and the knight

the moon n the sun

so i don't need anyone

don't know why but i've got all these conflicting thoughts inside

one lets you in but the other overpowers

don't know why but i've got to get this right this time

couldn't tell ya if that's for me or for you

• • •

something inside screams to be held but i don't know where she is

that parts too guarded, hasnt seen the sun in a hot min, wish i could tell u why that is

i never like to ask myself questions

but now all i can think is what comes next

why don't i think i can do this?

why do i feel like i'm something u have to fix?

do you really want to do this?

i shouldn't live in your daydreams because im a nightmare waiting to happen

i don't know if i can trust this

or how much of "this" is jus me

i just can't understand why you want in

i've been trying to leave for so long

i think i might be broken beyond mend

10.4.23

[confessionsofa20sumdramaqueen]

somewhere inside me is a lost little girl

she's been pickin petals off flowers asking if you love me or love me not

she wants to be scooped up and carried away

by you

she expects you to carry her through the storm

a storm which i should be able to control as it brews inside me

but that lost little girl is no match for the demons that lie in the dark

they're pickin petals off flowers, "i love you, i love you not..."

the storm rages on, as I refuse to let you set me free

this is my war, it has to be me

10.4.23