Day 1 of Self Love 💕: What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself?
Body image, really. It started when I was young.
My mother put me in all these dance, art, and music classes when I was younger. I just remember being 7 years old in my ballet class and someone mentioned that the little girl got a “big part” because she was blonde and petite. I just remember looking in the dance mirror and seeing a tall, brunette, well fed girl staring back in the mirror.
I’ve always been one of the taller kids, I developed earlier than most of the girls my age, and I was super awkward looking. My mom would tell me “you’re perfect: not skinny and not fat. You’re in between and perfect.” I’m sure my mom wasn’t trying to damage my self esteem at a young age, but I just remember thinking that I wasn’t beautiful since I didn’t look like everyone else.
My body image didn’t start changing into a more positive light until I entered high school. When I was about 16, I grew closer to a girl and we became best friends. In my mind she was gorgeous. Straight brown hair with a dash of blond enough to glitter when the light touched it. She was thin, small chested, and toned. Everything I wanted to be.
She started telling me that I was wearing clothes that were too big for me, and I should try on her clothes. WHAT? Me? But they would surely stretch! They didn’t. I realized that we were the same size, and for the first time I felt good about myself.
Fast forward a few years, and now I’m 19. My self esteem isn’t the greatest but I’m content with how I look. I meet my ex husband, and there are new things to worry about.
He’s 5 years older and says that if there’s anyway for this relationship to work, it had to be physical. I was a virgin, and the most physical thing I ever did was kiss (and not even French kiss!) Honestly, for this relationship, that ALONE was the first red flag that should have told me to run the opposite direction, but I didn’t. Instead I started to think things like ~ What if he didn’t like how I looked? Are my breasts too saggy? But I don’t want to have sex...
I was with him for 5-6 years. During that time, my self esteem plummeted to an all time low. He was mentally and emotionally abusive, and sometimes sexually abusive. He would tell me I was too fat, or too thin, not smart enough, my teeth were too big, my breasts were too saggy, I didn’t have enough sexual experiences, and constantly compare me to his perfect ex “who was the one that got away and you will never compare to her.” Even at the very end, the last thing my ex said to me was, “you really are fat.” By that point, I was a 109 pounds and barely eating bc of stress.
I ended up leaving him for my current husband and haven’t looked back since. My husband now is my best friend and really helped bring me back. When he found me I was just a shell of a human being. I was so wounded that it was easier to not feel anything, and I was living life choosing not to feel. It was easier. I felt broken. I didn’t feel human. After therapy and surrounding myself with family and friends, I was able to start allowing myself to express and feel emotions.
Currently, it’s very hard to look in the mirror and not judge what I see. I need to remember that i would never say my thoughts out loud to another person, because it’s verbal abuse, so why would I say it to myself?
You gained weight? Okay. Are you happy? No. Are you doing something about it? Yes.
Awesome! 👏 Props to you for not giving up! You’re beautiful.
tangentwithtanner
vaporwave
prguitarman
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
