Mommy in Training

[confessionsofamom]

My face the evening after the slap and choking incident.

[confessionsofamom]

Follow up to my last post.

[cutechubbydem0n]

I wish there was someone I could talk to about all the bullshit I have to go through. Not someone whose gonna judge , really like just want someone I can complain to..

[confessionsofamom]

New years day. We all have covid. Steve has been an ass per usual. We were watching the guardian movie downstairs together, Emmy had been messing with Steve through the whole ordeal. Play fighting with him but with angry intentions. Steve doesn't know how to play fight gently, he tries or ends up to hurting he once she gets too annoying for him. So I ALWAYS tell her NOT to start fights that she can't finish. It's the nice way of saying "please don't start shit with your dad otherwise it will end badly" and it usually does. I went upstairs after the movie was over to just chill in bed and play on my phone. A few minutes go by and Emrys is sobbing. I rush downstairs and ask her what did daddy do. It just happened so she was too upset to make an intelligible sentence. My guess he squeezed her hard. An argument ensues, I tell him "what tf is his deal, why do you always do this" he's yelling and saying Emrys slapped him hard in the face. I'm telling him "Okay but are you bleeding? It doesn't justify hurting her" All while he's doing this he's holding me up against the couch with his hand raised, asking to show me just how hard Emrys hit him. I say something like 'look at you look at your body and strength, I don't think a seven year old could hit you that hard." He goes off saying is this what you want to teach her? Thats it's okay to hit me?" I say something like "okay no but you've told her several times that it's okay to hit you." (In the context of her disrespecting me and trying to hit me when she's angry.) Then he smacks across the face hard as shit, I saw stars for a moment but was fine physically anyways. I say "okay so you see my face am I bleeding?? No." He starts going off telling me to leave, (we're standing and I say no you always do this, you pick and pick on her and she's like me she'll only take so much before she gets mad and will try to get physical." He's not listening and is dissming everything im saying.. At some point he's pushed me back on the couch and starts choking me, telling me that he's pissed off and wants us to break up and be done. When he finally lets go I just rush upstairs and try comfort Emrys. This year is really starting out great

[confessionsofamom]

Steve came home pissed off and was being an ass the phone call home per usual. Calling me a lazy slob, ugly, fat, blah blah blah. I argued with him back on the phone saying, "you still f*ck this p*say tho" over and over so I don't have to hear him. He gets home and he's still being a dick, then he makes jokes about my uncle (who assaulted me) and he should've tried harder to do more to me. That was the boiling point for me so I started following him around. At one point we were both in the laundry room. He said another nasty joke about my uncle and I asked him like why he thinks thats funny. He laughed it off, I cut him off and start punching then slapping his arm and back while yelling "WHY DO YOU THINK ITS FUNNY TO MAKE FUN OF MY TRAUMA!" He shoved me into the door while choking me, I taunted him to do more. He said something again while walking away from me out of the room, I smacked him on the back again. He turned around again, shoved me into the door while choking me. Emmy was getting concerned when she heard the ruckus, we heard her get up from the couch and made whining noises. He stopped before she could see around the corner. I finished making noodles, put half in a bowl for him, and set it on his desk. I quickly fed Mia her supper and then took her upstairs to watch whatever she wanted. Steve stayed downstairs with emmy who went back to playing fortnite. And hour or so goes by with no interaction then he comes upstairs while I'm in the bathroom. He asks if I bought anything on amazon, I didn't. He got in the shower. After finishing he keeps yelling "chocha time!" (I'm assuming to upset me and make me feel jealous) which is what he usually yells when he wants to do it with me but now he's just saying it to give the impression he's going to go out and cheat on me. Since we're not on speaking terms. It's annoying, I hate him. I hate it here.

[confessionsofamom]

Steve has been home an sick all week with covid. He got some medicine for it yesterday and has been doing alot better, which means he's back to being an asshole. He said he wanted to help me clean up around the house (which he never does) and said he had more energy now for sexy times. I reminded him I'm still on my period, he scoffs and says I can still use your mouth. I roll my eyes. He gets impatient that I'm not immediately helping him clean and he starts putting down Emrys and telling her she's dumb and is gonna fail first grade and that I should just do it for her since she's stupid. I ignore him and continue helping her. He grows more impatient and starts aggressively throwing things around and at us in her room. He slaps my hair bun twice and makes it come undone. I don't remember where I was going but as I'm coming up the stairs back to emrys's room, he shoves past me, almost making me fall down the stairs. I push him and tell him wtf is your problem. And he pushes me again. He walks down the stairs and hits me with a charging cable. It got my right on the back of my calf and it hurt like a mf and out of anger I throw a bag of garbage at him. He come.rushing back up the stairs and shoves me a couple of time while we're arguing. He makes these ugly angry faces threading to hurt me then storms back down the stairs. This was on Nov 18th 2020.

[confessionsofamom]

Steve has been home an sick all week with covid. He got some medicine for it yesterday and has been doing alot better, which means he's back to being an asshole. He said he wanted to help me clean up around the house (which he never does) and said he had more energy now for sexy times. I reminded him I'm still on my period, he scoffs and says I can still use your mouth. I roll my eyes. He gets impatient that I'm not immediately helping him clean and he starts putting down Emrys and telling her she's dumb and is gonna fail first grade and that I should just do it for her since she's stupid. I ignore him and continue helping her. He grows more impatient and starts aggressively throwing things around and at us in her room. He slaps my hair bun twice and makes it come undone. I don't remember where I was going but as I'm coming up the stairs back to emrys's room, he shoves past me, almost making me fall down the stairs. I push him and tell him wtf is your problem. And he pushes me again. He walks down the stairs and hits me with a charging cable. It got my right on the back of my calf and it hurt like a mf and out of anger I throw a bag of garbage at him. He come.rushing back up the stairs and shoves me a couple of time while we're arguing. He makes these ugly angry faces threading to hurt me then storms back down the stairs. This was on Nov 18th 2020.

[confessionsofamom]

Snooped through Steve's phone and went on his cashapp and found several payments sent to some random person. He's sent her hundreds of dollars!! Even $700 at one point which is 200 more than we pay in rent currently... my stomach immediately dropped and is in knots. I'm getting that fight or flight feeling. I don't even know what to say. How do I even confront him??? What will happen?? I am so fucking hearbroken and confused.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[confessionsofamom]

Today he pushed me to the ground. His mood had been all over the place today. He was happily reading to Mia, being playful with Emrys and I. His mood changed and he yelled at me to come downstairs and eat the takeout we got. I noticed the pissy-ness in his voice but didn't think much of it. I stacked what I wanted and went into the kitchen to get a fork. Also I had Mia on my hip. I walked past him and he tripped me, I stumbled a bit but was okay thank God. I set Mia down and asked him what the hell his problem was and why he would do that while I was holding Mia, I don't recall what he said but he got up from the couch and stomped towards me and I took a step back and he shoved me so hard I couldn't help but fall back and splayed onto the floor. Mia immediately started crying and so did emrys, she layed on me and asked if I was okay and I sobbed. I laid there for a moment and I don't remember what I said or what he said. But he was screaming it through gritted teeth. 'Stf stfu stfu get out!!' I grabbed the food and took the girls upstairs. I needed to write this down because my fucked up head is already trying to make me forget it.

[florenceandisabellamachine-deac]

[confessionsofamom]

[confessionsofamom]

[confessionsofamom]

Well thank you ipad for saving all of these messages for me

[babyphotography1]

[confessionsofamom]

Welp 2017 is starting our pretty fucking shitty already it seems. Steve spent the last 3 hours having random screaming fits while on PS4. Just screaming like a violent fucking psychopath. Then I hear a loud clatter and immediately go to investigate. He threw all my dvd's on the floor and I did not feel safe having Emrys in that room anymore. I picked her and took her into the daybed with me. A few minutes later i hear the dvd boxes being kicked across the floor hitting walls. That was the last straw for me so I walked over and picked them all up. A few of the boxes were broken which really pissed me off because these were brand new movies my mom had sent me for Christmas. It's things like this that make me so irrationally angry and I have to lock myself away to stop myself from instigating anything. It's things like this that make me want to pack up my shit and leave him. I should not be afraid of my spouse...

[stability]