Mostly my rants and self-confiding

I rant and rave about whatever I need to here and will confide in myself but put it out publicly yet anonymously in hopes of feeling less alone.

[confidinginmyself]

He likes yellow

I develope weird fixations for no apparent reason. I can’t tell you why but I do. It goes beyond my ADHD and boredom trying to entertain itself. What is my new fixation? A person. A person I’ve never had a real conversation with. I’ve never met them in person and no they aren’t famous by any means. In reality, they’re a nobody. A complete and total nobody who will never gain fame or stick out in a crowd. I will never meet them in person. I will never speak to them. I won’t have anything to do with their life at any point. We will never even cross paths walking down the street but if we did I would manage to pick him out of the crowd and be infatuated with their sad doomed presence.  Yellow. His likes yellow. Particularly yellow with black or other similar dark shades. He likes black and white but as a quote or a filter over something that would’ve already been black and white. His birthday is May 15th he turned 22 this year. He’s changed his name in the past, has been to juvie, and to prison. He likes punk and punk rock music, I’ve started listening to a lot of the songs he quotes. He also smokes and struggles with drug addiction. He has a dog or had one his name was Jughead. He’s ill, terminally ill. Last I saw they gave him two years but that could’ve changed by now. He does poetry but doesn’t share it outside of a small group of friends. How do I know he does poetry then? Or at least used to? Because I used to be one of those lurking facebook friends. He added me to see pictures of my dog and since then I’ve been sold. For reasons I don’t know for sure he deactivated that account. How do I know he’s still alive? I was scrolling through my newsfeed on FB and saw a post on a different account but it was him. I know how he types, it’s completely and utterly normal but I can feel it. He included a picture too, it was a newer one of himself but I know his face. Black beanie, black mask, blue/green eyes, and his face looks aged but youthful in an odd way. The only other picture I had seen was old, from 06 I think but I could be wrong. To be sure I checked the public pictures on his profile. Quotes, yellow, black, and white. It was him in his usual fashion, it made me incredibly happy to know he was alive. I attempted to make it known that it was me since I was using a different account too without saying it directly. I don’t know if he caught on but I didn’t receive a friend request so I search his name and check his activity multiple times a week. It’s been a week since he was on.  He is going through a lot right now and I want to help. He’s close to me right now, just a couple hours away. It’s completely random that he ended up in the state next to me. I know where he’s planning to go next and where he is hoping to finish his travels but I won’t specify. His family isn’t very kind from what I’ve gathered.  I want to talk and get to know more than the yellows and lyrics but I can’t. I don’t have any reason to message him and to be honest my oddly specific level of fascination is creepy on multiple levels. A part of me hopes that he somehow sees this and knows that there are people or at least a person, that cares about him. We’ve never had any true contact but I genuinely worry about him. Randomly throughout the day, he will pop into my head and I’ll think about him awhile before having to continue with my day. I’m genuinely sad about the fact that he won’t live a long full life. He’s one of the people that deserves many years but he won’t get them. I’ll be watching and worrying until I have to start mourning.  “I am the son And the heir Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son and heir Of nothing in particular”

[confidinginmyself]

So, I might be trans?

Yeah... This isn’t all that new actually, I’ve been struggling with this internally for a very long time. Even before I knew what transgender was or gender at all I wanted to be a boy, I didn’t want to be a girl or do anything girl related. Its taken many years but I’m finally starting to admit it to myself. Couple years ago I felt so dysphoric about my body I started wondering and I know it sounds stupid, but if I was a hermaphrodite and that's why I liked masculine things so much. I still have/had similar thoughts because I struggled so much with admitting to myself that I might be trans and I have no idea why. When I was younger, we’re talking like 10 or 11 I thought “Maybe I was actually born in the wrong body like something got mixed up in the process and I was placed in the wrong body and some poor soul out there is in the wrong body too and we need to switch.” 

Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to take on more feminine tasks. I do my makeup now but not seriously, I use it as a creative outlet. Brightly colored eye shadow, different wing designs, etc. I also got two dresses for Christmas, I wore the black on once in a way that made it a long shirt and the other I haven’t touched. Don’t get me wrong I like them but I don’t feel comfortable in them. Put me in jeans and a button up though and we’re golden. I was actually looking at guy’s clothes before coming here to type this up and I felt so fucking happy. I’ve been talking with the only person(best friend for 8 years) that knows and figuring out a name. We’re doing a test run with male pronouns and the name ‘Koda’.  I’ll be finding and scheduling with a therapist for gender dysphoria to try and figure out more of what I’m feeling. Am I just projecting my like of certain guys onto myself? Do I just simply like the look/feel of masculine things? Am I just confused as fuck? And so on. So this will give you a peek into the process someone finding out if they’re trans or not. Usually, you just see the mask they put on up until ‘boom, hey I’m trans!’ not the internal struggle and back and forth they go through. You could also witness a major turn around in my depression, anxiety, and self-confidence issues. But all in all, I’m excited to finally find myself. This is a major step that will lay the foundation for finding myself. Wish me luck?

[confidinginmyself]

I don’t know what i’m going to say

I don’t what i’m going to say, here in this little white box on tumblr. I just know that i need to say something, anything is better than nothing right? I dont want to hurt anymore. Things have been going ok, the best its been in some aspects and the worst my life has ever been in others. I can’t tell you im happy because im not, to me “i’m happy” would apply to practically every detail of my life but im not happy about the majority of details. Most things in my life just encourage me to give up but not caring at all is easier than doing something to end it all, if that makes sense. Im weak ok, dont bother telling me in not because I know I am, I just know. It’s a simple fact of life like a person having brown hair or being tall, they just are. Im weak and I wont make it, I wont grow old surrounded by family and friends. Im not terminally ill or wanted by the government with a ‘kill on sight’ notice, I have a self destruct complex in layman’s terms. I know i’m going to die by my own hand, an accident, or murder. Its terrifying and reassuring at the same time. On good days i’m terrified knowing that some day I will die and most likely by my own hand, on bad days its the only thing that keeps me going. I just want to establish that before we get any further into this, and no this isn’t a cry for help. You can’t help me, I know its unoriginal and often times false but you cant, you just can’t. Not every person can be saved, I’m one of them i’m just aware of it. I don’t want to hurt anymore. So a couple months ago my best friend, sun and moon, reason for life, died. He was my dog, stupid to compare him to such a grand scale I know but he’s all I had. He had rapid onset kidney failure and in 24 hours went from walking and playing to unable to move. That night I started self harming for the first time. Before that I would just dig my nails into myself, scratch till I was near bleeding, and other things that didn’t actually leave a mark. That night I locked myself in the bathroom and gave myself two dozen new scars. I wanted to feel anything other than alive, I still do. My dog isn’t the entire reason for this he was just what pushed me over the edge. I hurt and i’m tired of hurting, but I cause more pain to take my mind off the other hurt its a stupid cycle I know. My family knows I do this, they say nothing because thats just easier. I got a new knife as an early Christmas present from that, ignorance is truly bliss I guess. I dont want their help anyway, I would’ve asked for it if I did. As im typing this I have that brand new razor sharp knife laying beside me. It’d be too easy to end it all now and leave the caret blinking at the early end of this paragraph. I dont want to hurt anymore. So my family decided they wanted a puppy, they all like puppies in theory but hate them in practice. We got a puppy that I didn’t want, he is my responsibility but when I do ‘too much’ with him I get yelled at. They use him like leverage against me and it makes me want to break their necks. I never knew I could love something as much as I do him and I hate him. I dont want to like him, love him, or need him but I do. I hate him but I love him. I dont want him but I need him. I can’t explain the rage it fills me with. I dont want to hurt anymore. My mind is getting tired. Today has been a bad day and im emotionally exhausted. Its all like painful fuzz now, but that could be my incredibly loud music to try and drowned out my feelings. I dont want to hurt anymore. I love someone, I love someone and it terrifies me, excites me, fills me with anger, and hope. I love them truly for who they are, their appearance isn’t ‘my type’ but god do I love that kid. It terrifies me because everyone I care about leaves me, someday I will die most likely before him. I dont know if we’ll even still be talking then but I dont want to leave him and I dont want him to leave me. We’ll never be together because he’s gay and it hurts. The agony of sitting back watching the one person you can see your entire future with and truly honest to god (or whatever power you believe in) love, knowing you’ll never have a future together apart from hanging out every now and then and texting is an unworldly pain. I dont want to hurt anymore. Im so overwhelmed by sadness and pain that I couldn’t tell you a good thing going on in my life. Nothing seems good anymore, I want something to be good. I want something good so badly, I want to be happy, I want to feel good, I want to have a future. I want to have hope, but I never will. I want to scream, break something, and overwhelm myself with any emotion but what i’m feeling right now but I can’t, I can’t do that because I don’t know how. I don’t know how to scream loud enough, hit hard enough, or feel anything but this. Its suffocating, all I can feel is myself. Its like the air, this blanket, that knife it all doesn’t exist, I can’t feel it. Its there I know it is, I know how its supposed to feel but it doesn’t; or I don’t. There is so much I want to scream and slam into this black and white post but I don’t know how to do it. Its like a solid mass, I can reach into my chest and pull it out. I could look at it my hand, squirming and gasping for air desperately trying to crawl back into its unfortunate broken host to continue its reign of power. I’m free without it but I can’t live without it. The damage it has done is too much, the unknown isn’t possible. What I know is whats safe even if it kills me. That writhing black oily mass gasps out a raspy victorious cackle as I shove it back into the cavern of my chest and hold it tight hoping it survives and can worm its way back into my skeleton to drive me in life again. I’m pain free without it but the pain is all I know how to feel, and im desperate to feel. I have to feel something, even if it kills me. I want to hurt. I’m not writing a book, this isn’t practice for school, this is real. I’m a real person typing out my real thoughts and feelings. If you’re reading this, welcome to whats real. I dont know you and I never will, I have nothing to hide and no reason to lie.

[confidinginmyself]

Hectic Existence

I’ve had this tab sitting open since around midnight, its now 3:30. I’d be lying if I said I was simply sitting here staring at a blank page trying to think of that to say. I thought of what to say a dozen times, each different and warped in their own unique fashion. I can’t tell you why I wrote none of them down and pushed them out of my mind. Maybe simply thinking them and imagining myself typing them out was a enough, maybe its because I know something is missing from each one. My mind has created several different paragraphs I’d love to write and maybe someday I will sit down here and type out each one to demonstrate just how quickly and wildly my mind swings with no rhyme or reason. Even now this is only one of the many different thought bubbles looming over my head. Why’d I choose this one? To be honest because its typed in the method of a Netflix series I started watching tonight. Its typed like the characters speak and because of the mood that the show has fabricated I’ve decided that this is currently the best one to go with. By the time I finish this I’ll disagree with my writing style and want to do something completely different. Who knows maybe I’ll erase it and type it again in a different format, maybe I’ve already erased this a dozen times and retyped it again and again. I wish I could pick just one mode to operate on. When I can go from imagining how my suicide letter will be written or if I’ll even write one to what I want for supper tomorrow to how cold I feel right now laying in bed it makes me feel.. I don’t know? Corrupt? No no no, that isn’t the right word. Damn I can see the word but I don’t know what it is. I know that sounds completely insane but I can see it and hear it and its right but I don’t know what it is or if its even an actual word. See, you can already see the format of this changing from the first paragraph to this one. The sound of the show is draining from my ears and I’m forgetting how to mock it because thats all I do, mock things. My entire life is just a reflection of what I’ve seen happen around me and obviously they must know what they’re doing so I have to do it too, to be accepted. My personality? Mimicked. My voice? Mimicked. My likes? Mimicked. Every last detail of my life I have taken from someone else and am trying to mimic because honestly I don’t know how to live my own life. I don’t know how to be me, or what I am, who I am, or how I’d even go about finding out how to find out any of these. Even these words are a mimic of what I’ve already seen. Maybe thats how life works I don’t know, nobody has ever told me how it does work and I don’t do well with unknowns. I like being told how to do things and how things should work, I need to know I’m doing them right which all can probably be traced back to my childhood with the tragic abandonment of my family, witnessing death, and general exclusion in everything until the very worst happened and then being provided with no comfort when trying to understand whats happening. So yeah, I’m insecure and refuse to get help to find my security, because as everyone always said “You’re so strong and are doing so well on your own!”. Damn right I am, I don’t need anyone. But god do I need someone now more than ever. I can’t really put it into words the battle going on inside of me but I know that I need someone, but I can’t have anyone. Sounds stupid right? The one thing I know I need and know that will help I can’t have because I won’t let myself have it. I can’t explain this either I just simply know. I know I have to do this alone, I know I have to need someone but have to go without. Sure, maybe its part of my mind having to much control over the rest or maybe its just my inner intuition that knows no matter what I do or who I find it all ends the same, death. And really is any of the struggle, hassle, pain, misery, fear, confusion, etc worth it? Seriously, think about it. We go through all this bullshit and none of us are ever truly happy and if you say you are you’re just lying to yourself. Maybe that is the way you’re to do things, just lie until your dead but no matter everyone lies it just if its a realist or perfectionist lie. But I don’t want to lie to myself, I want to see the world and life as it is cold, bare, and raw. I don’t want anymore wool over my eyes or lies filling my ears I want everything in its most basic form.  Maybe I already have everything in its basic form? But no, I don’t. I’m nothing special, never have been never will be. These words and thoughts aren’t unique, never have been never will be. Thousands before me and thousands after me will speak the same as me and feel the same as me. They’ll feel the same struggles and deal with them, maybe in the same way maybe in different ways, I won’t be alive to know. No, i’m not ending everything yet but I do know I won’t die of natural causes. I can already feel it, and that feeling is something in its most pure and raw form. Its peaceful actually, knowing something that is certain to happen calms me. Gives me direction and purpose, to find that point in my life and to know that I’ve completed my journey. That point could be a month from now or it could be 40 years from now.  Its now 4am and I am tired, but i’m always tired just in different ways. This is a ‘you stayed up till 4am and have to get up early’ tired and I already regret, but won’t don’t I regret? Everything, I regret everything. And I regret so much of everything that I regret absolutely nothing since there is nothing else to compare it to, regret is my peace. Yeah, just more of your stereotypical teenager stuff. Like I said i’m nothing special or even close to unique. Don’t try and flatter me and uplift my spirit, I don’t need more bullshit lies in my life. I’m just another copy and paste of the billions of other people on this earth. I could drop off of the face of this early and only a very very small group of people would feel any ripple. None of us mean anything really, and again you’re lying to yourself if you think you do. But that isn’t a bad thing at all. We don’t mean anything, none of us are going to cause a ripple felt by everyone and I at least take solace in that. I won’t change lives, I have no expectation to live up to, no actual purpose in life. If I want to quit everything and just lay in bed and die I can, it won’t matter enough to be a concern or if I want to try hard and succeed it won’t matter either, a couple years after I die nobody will remember what exactly I did. Think of how many people have already faded out of history. Now i’m simply rambling to make myself feel better about my actual mental stance on life. I’d keep typing but its late enough and a song stuck in my head is now loud enough I can’t hear my thoughts. This always happens, I just start turning the lock and my mind stops me. I’m sure I don’t want to know what all its blocked out but at the same time I want those missing parts of my life back. Now everything is going numb, my mind that is. I’ve gotten too deep in the 30 minutes of typing this for my own mind to feel comfortable with continuing and instead forces itself to go back. I feel like i’m a prisoner inside my own mind, part of me can’t make its own decisions and the other is determined to make sure it never does. I am my own chain.

[prettyokcowchopblog]

Look at this Shit! It’s literally a box with parts in it, and it signifies my life. It’s a hollow empty box, with a bunch of shit in it and it’s a complete fucking mess.

   Dex - AMAZING MINECRAFT PC BUILD (via prettyokcowchopblog)

[confidinginmyself]

Answered, decisions, and questions oh my!

So, a lot has happened since the last post but at the same time it feels like nothing has changed. My days are still just a blur and I don’t remember most of it. The only thing burned into my mind is I got my answer from C finally. Honestly, I don’t know what I expected or what I wanted to hear. I knew what the answer would be but at the same time I was so unsure of what I did. I found out that I simply messed up too much for them to want to talk to me and associate with me, yep. I was too flawed, I said too many wrong things, liked too many ‘wrong’ things, and brought back too many bad memories apparently. What hurt me the most was they knew how fragile I am and how hard i’m trying to be a better person and I had told them multiple times that if I make a mistake or do something wrong to tell me because I want to try and improve as person. So what do they do? They don’t tell me about any of my mistakes, I let my guard down and get close, and then they pull the rug out from under my feet. Now i’ll admit i’m salty about all of this, i’m hurt and angry even now. That one simple message lead into a mental breakdown. I’ve never had a serious breakdown in front of multiple people, they’ve never been serious enough to get my family’s attention but this one was like a dam breaking.  I’m not an emotional person, I hate emotion, I rarely feel emotions at all, but I sat there on my bed quietly crying as I read that I was too flawed and broken for the one person I thought was ok with it and was gonna help me fix myself. Now according to social standards my family must show concern when I’m upset, so they did. They came in and sat and we talked, many secrets came out, secrets I wouldn’t even tell my own demons. It terrified my mother and older sister, these aren’t your standard “I’m depressed and have thought about suicide multiple times.” thoughts, they’re unwanted thoughts that I’ve tried chasing away for years, thoughts that involve more than just my life. I’m sure you get the jist, just know that I’d never act of these, I hate them and disagree with everything they demand. After 10 minutes of so of begging my mother not to tell anyone or send me away (cause if I go into a mental hospital i’m not coming out) things took a turn that I’m.. queasy(?) about, I don’t know what its actually called. One person that calmed me down was my older sister’s ex-boyfriend. I know very strange but he was like the older brother I always wanted (no offense to my actual older brother) and they ended up calling him to come over and calm me down cause I was hyperventilating at that point nearly passing out. Since then we’ve been talking as a form of “therapy” and its hard. This blog is my therapy cause i’m not good at talking to people. I can’t talk to people about me and my state without breaking down, even now I’m choking back tears and I’m just typing, fucking sucks sometimes. I have been trying, in a way, to be “happier” (whatever that is) and I don’t know if its working. I’ve just been watching videos of people having a good time, reading up on social ques, and mimicking all of it. Its working on the people around me, they all think I’m doing awesome. And honestly right now my biggest struggle is I don’t know if I want get ‘better’. This is me, this emotionless, corrupt, void of life if me and who I’ve been since I was 5-6 years old. This person is who everyone knows and is who I know, I know how to work this body I call ‘me’ and I don’t know if I want to get rid of it, I’ve grown attached to it. And all of the struggles, time, pain, and emotions I’ll have to go through to change this ‘me’ to someone I don’t know if i’ll like, I mean I hate myself already but its like a mutual hate. At the same time everyone expects me to get better or try to but everyone has also told me to think for myself and not everyone else, I don’t know what I should do, god the humans species is complicated, can I get a manual somewhere? So now that we’re past that, the children are still here despite me voicing multiple times before, during, and after my breakdown that they need to be here less as part of my troubles are that they are affect my mother’s health in a very negative way and overall are driving a wedge between the entire family. We also simply cant afford to feed, clothes, and care for two more people. With them we’re a family of 7 people, 4 cats, 3 rabbits, and 2 dogs and to give you an idea of the finance struggle last year our income was only $25k and this year has been ever worse for work. I’ve never wanted out of a place so sadly in my life.  So far the only highlight of this year has been my expanding music taste, literally in the past 10 months the only thing to keep me motivated enough to live has been dog pictures and music. Yeah I know real original, right? Oh I started wearing makeup in an attempt to boost my confidence which has worked slightly but has also upped my anxiety because i’m so worried about is smearing, looking bad, people noticing, etc. Catch 22 big time. I also got my hair cut not long ago, its an asymmetrical-bob like cut, it really brings out my bisexual(haha that was a joke don’t get butthurt).  So thats about it, life is still going to shit, follow me to watch as I try to figure out being a socially acceptable human being.

[confidinginmyself]

Did I just lose a friend

(They always preferred they/them/their pronouns so Mirri, I kept true to you wishes) Up until today I had 2 friends in this world. 7 almost 8 billion people and I found 2. One has been my friend since 3rd grade, the other I met about a couple years ago but we only recently started talking through Facebook, we’ll call the second one C. C and I clicked, we understood each other and each other’s struggles. C was the only person I was ever able to actually open up to, and when I did I spilled it all no matter how personal and they understood. I felt like I was in a safe little world when we talked, like nobody could get to me it was just us to. Honestly now i’m doubting if I was ever that important to them. Today around 5 o’clock out of the blue they removed me from a group message, blocked me on Facebook, and blocked me on a game we both played and talked through. At first I thought they were just done with the group chat and was closing it, then I couldn’t find their profile and figured they deleted it to remake it, I then found they blocked me on the game and that is when I felt the sharp pain in my chest. I don’t know what I did wrong... yeah sure it had been a couple days since we talked but school had started for them so I decided to let them get a jump on that but I just dont know. Did I share something? Was it something I said before? Did someone message them about me? I wish I could even ask what I did wrong but I can’t even contact them. I know they won’t see it and even if she does they won’t know its about them but, i’m sorry for whatever I did...

[confidinginmyself]

Where do I begin?

I have no clue where to start, I have been on such an overload but every time I sit down to type I forget everything. Even now its like my head is tying to keep me from exposing everything. So, starting with the smallest things.  A couple weeks ago I was hugged by one of my siblings. Whats the big deal, right? I dont like hugs, I never have and I never will and all of them are completely aware of this and have been told multiple times if i’m going to hug someone I will ‘start’ it and it’ll be a crappy one armed hug. I also hate surprises, any type of surprise will scare me like a field mouse. So, what does my sibling decide to do? Surprise full on hug me on a night i’m already a mess sending me into a panic attack. I could feel everything crashing down the second I realized what happened and turned away since I dont like for anyone to see me in an “episode”. It was something small, I pulled myself together quickly, but it was just plain rude. I get he was trying to funny and nice but he knows that isn’t funny or nice in my mind, its fucking terrifying but still chose to do it. Going back to me forgetting a lot I’ve started doing more things where I forget what I’m doing or that I ever did them. I’d putting things where I know they don’t go and then forgetting I put them there. I put my bra is the sock drawer, I turned the sink on and walk away and then asked who turned it on, I let the dog outside and then was worried on how she got out there when I was the only one home. Its scaring me but I can’t get out of the “its my battle to fight” mindset. The worst so far was when I woke up and didn’t now who I was, where I was at, or who the people were that I heard. Now that isn’t common and I hope it was a one time thing but I’ll just have to wait and see. There was some recent drama in my house. Secrets came out, things were said, opinions were voiced, and everyone is now pissed at each other. My Mum is more hurt than anything as my sister confirmed the already well known fact that she is moving out right away and that I’m planning to move out the second I can and that more than likely my younger sister will do the same. It also came to light than none of us kids like our step dad, well she already had a good idea of this but chose to marry him anyways. He is now well aware that we dont like him and would love to have him gone but if their relationship he is the first priority and we are second, shitty I know. Even better is they’d like to adopt a couple more kids but are already doing a good job at ignoring the five they have. And the biggest thing that i’m too pissed about to put into words is that I was given the task of hand raising a trio of kittens. They became my little children and like any ‘mother’ i’m protective of them. Well today my Mum decided that despite me having 4 homes lined up and waiting that she was going to take it into her hands to give one away to a shitty home with shitty people after I told her not to and about the homes I have, best of all it was my favorite. So I am now filled with the rage of a thousand suns and just want to punch something, stab something, kick something, cry, and scream all at once. I can’t even begin to explain the pure, raw rage I feel about everything right now and there is nothing I can do about it because my step dad hates cats so she is taking his side despite what the kitten’s future will be and how I feel. Oh yeah within the last week its been rainy as shit so my suicidal thoughts have spiked but as my family says “its all in your head, dont think about it and you’ll be fine.” Thanks guys, that’s so much help.