Hectic Existence
I’ve had this tab sitting open since around midnight, its now 3:30. I’d be lying if I said I was simply sitting here staring at a blank page trying to think of that to say. I thought of what to say a dozen times, each different and warped in their own unique fashion. I can’t tell you why I wrote none of them down and pushed them out of my mind. Maybe simply thinking them and imagining myself typing them out was a enough, maybe its because I know something is missing from each one. My mind has created several different paragraphs I’d love to write and maybe someday I will sit down here and type out each one to demonstrate just how quickly and wildly my mind swings with no rhyme or reason. Even now this is only one of the many different thought bubbles looming over my head. Why’d I choose this one? To be honest because its typed in the method of a Netflix series I started watching tonight. Its typed like the characters speak and because of the mood that the show has fabricated I’ve decided that this is currently the best one to go with. By the time I finish this I’ll disagree with my writing style and want to do something completely different. Who knows maybe I’ll erase it and type it again in a different format, maybe I’ve already erased this a dozen times and retyped it again and again. I wish I could pick just one mode to operate on. When I can go from imagining how my suicide letter will be written or if I’ll even write one to what I want for supper tomorrow to how cold I feel right now laying in bed it makes me feel.. I don’t know? Corrupt? No no no, that isn’t the right word. Damn I can see the word but I don’t know what it is. I know that sounds completely insane but I can see it and hear it and its right but I don’t know what it is or if its even an actual word. See, you can already see the format of this changing from the first paragraph to this one. The sound of the show is draining from my ears and I’m forgetting how to mock it because thats all I do, mock things. My entire life is just a reflection of what I’ve seen happen around me and obviously they must know what they’re doing so I have to do it too, to be accepted. My personality? Mimicked. My voice? Mimicked. My likes? Mimicked. Every last detail of my life I have taken from someone else and am trying to mimic because honestly I don’t know how to live my own life. I don’t know how to be me, or what I am, who I am, or how I’d even go about finding out how to find out any of these. Even these words are a mimic of what I’ve already seen. Maybe thats how life works I don’t know, nobody has ever told me how it does work and I don’t do well with unknowns. I like being told how to do things and how things should work, I need to know I’m doing them right which all can probably be traced back to my childhood with the tragic abandonment of my family, witnessing death, and general exclusion in everything until the very worst happened and then being provided with no comfort when trying to understand whats happening. So yeah, I’m insecure and refuse to get help to find my security, because as everyone always said “You’re so strong and are doing so well on your own!”. Damn right I am, I don’t need anyone. But god do I need someone now more than ever. I can’t really put it into words the battle going on inside of me but I know that I need someone, but I can’t have anyone. Sounds stupid right? The one thing I know I need and know that will help I can’t have because I won’t let myself have it. I can’t explain this either I just simply know. I know I have to do this alone, I know I have to need someone but have to go without. Sure, maybe its part of my mind having to much control over the rest or maybe its just my inner intuition that knows no matter what I do or who I find it all ends the same, death. And really is any of the struggle, hassle, pain, misery, fear, confusion, etc worth it? Seriously, think about it. We go through all this bullshit and none of us are ever truly happy and if you say you are you’re just lying to yourself. Maybe that is the way you’re to do things, just lie until your dead but no matter everyone lies it just if its a realist or perfectionist lie. But I don’t want to lie to myself, I want to see the world and life as it is cold, bare, and raw. I don’t want anymore wool over my eyes or lies filling my ears I want everything in its most basic form. Maybe I already have everything in its basic form? But no, I don’t. I’m nothing special, never have been never will be. These words and thoughts aren’t unique, never have been never will be. Thousands before me and thousands after me will speak the same as me and feel the same as me. They’ll feel the same struggles and deal with them, maybe in the same way maybe in different ways, I won’t be alive to know. No, i’m not ending everything yet but I do know I won’t die of natural causes. I can already feel it, and that feeling is something in its most pure and raw form. Its peaceful actually, knowing something that is certain to happen calms me. Gives me direction and purpose, to find that point in my life and to know that I’ve completed my journey. That point could be a month from now or it could be 40 years from now. Its now 4am and I am tired, but i’m always tired just in different ways. This is a ‘you stayed up till 4am and have to get up early’ tired and I already regret, but won’t don’t I regret? Everything, I regret everything. And I regret so much of everything that I regret absolutely nothing since there is nothing else to compare it to, regret is my peace. Yeah, just more of your stereotypical teenager stuff. Like I said i’m nothing special or even close to unique. Don’t try and flatter me and uplift my spirit, I don’t need more bullshit lies in my life. I’m just another copy and paste of the billions of other people on this earth. I could drop off of the face of this early and only a very very small group of people would feel any ripple. None of us mean anything really, and again you’re lying to yourself if you think you do. But that isn’t a bad thing at all. We don’t mean anything, none of us are going to cause a ripple felt by everyone and I at least take solace in that. I won’t change lives, I have no expectation to live up to, no actual purpose in life. If I want to quit everything and just lay in bed and die I can, it won’t matter enough to be a concern or if I want to try hard and succeed it won’t matter either, a couple years after I die nobody will remember what exactly I did. Think of how many people have already faded out of history. Now i’m simply rambling to make myself feel better about my actual mental stance on life. I’d keep typing but its late enough and a song stuck in my head is now loud enough I can’t hear my thoughts. This always happens, I just start turning the lock and my mind stops me. I’m sure I don’t want to know what all its blocked out but at the same time I want those missing parts of my life back. Now everything is going numb, my mind that is. I’ve gotten too deep in the 30 minutes of typing this for my own mind to feel comfortable with continuing and instead forces itself to go back. I feel like i’m a prisoner inside my own mind, part of me can’t make its own decisions and the other is determined to make sure it never does. I am my own chain.