Confuzd Convo

I am a confused male who has come to believe he is asexual possibly demisexual. Just here to talk out loud even if its not heard. 

[confuzdsir]

Hunger

 The closest I have come to kinda making since of how my sexual desires affect my sexual attraction (or lack there of) is this.

 Hunger is a desire that asks you to eat and most people are attracted to particular foods. Now most of the time your hungry, you eat, and your done. However have you ever had that hunger where you don’t want to eat anything. No mater what you do you can’t find something that makes you go yes I want to eat that. So even if you did eat something it doesn't feel right, or it leaves a gross emptiness.

 Sex for me is close to that hunger. My body tells me it wants/needs sex but I really just want it to shut up. So in the end, most of the time I just ignore the nagging hunger I feel.

 The big difference in real live is the in order to feed this hunger you need someone else to feed you. “Normally” people go out to find someone to feed there hunger and in turn they feed each other. For me even though my hunger is there I do not want to go out and look for someone to feed it. I don’t like any of the food so I am fine without.

 By contrast my romantic and sensual desire go hand in hand with my romantic and sensual attraction. So I really want a relationship (but I am a mess of a human so that is not really in the cards). So even if I am not looking for someone to feed my sexual hunger or want it when others offer. If I am in a loving relationship however and my loved one wants me to feed there hunger or they want to feed mine I would be okay with it (thous my assumption that I may be Demi).

 Enjoying the act is another thing all together. Sex itself isn’t usually all that enjoyable for me, and that's okay. What I do like is making my loved one happy and feel good. As well as the physical, and emotional closeness. Thinking about this in the light of hunger again helps me. Even if I normally don’t enjoy food. When the one you love hands you food that they made just for you. You can’t help finding the good in it.

There it is. The best way I have yet to find to understand how this part of me works.

[confuzdsir]

Patch of light

I am not normal. This fact has been drilled into me since I can remember. This is something that I had come to terms with. I tend to do everything in my power to be excepted even when I don’t like the person or what I become when around them. I find it hard to tell what is really me and what is the person I have made myself into for others.

There have been some very dark times in my life and I recently dragged myself into a small patch of light, it’s been a long time. This patch of light is still very lonely and feels like it is only a temporary reprieve. So I am trying to find out who I am and who I want to be. I fear, not being excepted, as I always have. Burying all the feeling I have been told I am not allowed to have and putting on a mask.

Finding the strength to shed my mask is not what I am after. All I am looking for, right now is just a little understanding of who I truly am.

[confuzdsir]

Warning

I want to make this clear as I go forward. I will not always make sense and will be confusing at times. I am trying to get things written out as my head is a mess. It’s like the Willy Wonka factory, complete with umpa lumpas throwing random brain cells to there doom. I do/will doubt and second guess myself. Which makes this journey of self discovery a bumpy and very loopy ride.

[confuzdsir]

Toxic Culture

Coming to terms with the fact that I am ace is so freeing. I never understood why I didn’t think like others expected me to. On one side I have toxic masculinity telling me “women are just there to serve others (WTF), that I have to never show emotion (except anger), and that sex is the most important thing in the world.”. Then I have had a number of professing feminists telling me “All men are pigs, all you men think about is sex, and I have been chewed out for simply opening a door for someone. I know men in this toxic world have been using women for so very long and I really try to do what I can. On this note we need to look to the next generation. We need to tell girls that they are strong, smart, allowed to do stuff your them, and not to let anyone tell them to be quiet. We also need to tell boys that they beautiful, allowed to cry, that they don’t have to be strong,and they are allowed to show there love (for loved ones and friends). I may never want children but I will do my part to give hope to those who come after me. This toxic world needs to learn that we can stand together. We need to love all no matter race, sex, sexuality, status, or any other stupid thing people seem to care about. As long as you can be a kind human being doing what you can in this world stand tall.

[confuzdsir]

What is sexual attraction

Demisexuals only get sexually attracted to people after an emotional bond is founded first. I thought this has to be me as I am not sexually attracted to people and find all the obsession with sex crazy. Not to say I don’t have sexual urges they just are not towards specific people, and so I am looking into sexuality in general. I have found it hard though as I can’t say if I have ever found someone sexually attractive ever. I thought since I have sexual urges I could not be asexual but it looks like that is not the case. I have had one girlfriend and yes we did (you know) but I can’t say I was truly sexually attracted to her. I know that I shouldn’t feel bad about that but I do. So am I ace, demi, or just a confused weirdo, who knows. All I can say is normal is weird and abnormal is confusing. What am I and what does sexual attraction feel like?

[confuzdsir]

Starting

Hi, I am here to get the thoughts out of my head in a hope to understand them a bit more. I am trying to (not to be redundant) find out who I am and it is hard. I always found it weird how someone can look at someone else and objectify them. I can tell when a person is good looking but that is not the same thing. I have come across the term demisexual and it seemed to make sense to how I feel.