#head mess

[habitarium]

I'm so tired

[confuzdsir]

Warning

I want to make this clear as I go forward. I will not always make sense and will be confusing at times. I am trying to get things written out as my head is a mess. It’s like the Willy Wonka factory, complete with umpa lumpas throwing random brain cells to there doom. I do/will doubt and second guess myself. Which makes this journey of self discovery a bumpy and very loopy ride.

[unsaid--0]

.?.

[parkerbutch]

anyways things are looking real shit for my family since it looks like a family member isn’t going to make it through much longer. I can’t eat, don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep I’m worried about my mom, the rest of the family, everything. Polarizing it’s zapping the energy right from my bones; it’s a mess.

I don’t even know what to do when my mom hears the news. She’s been a pillar of strength my whole life but to see her completely broken has me in tears just thinking of it. I just don’t know what to do from here..

[ploonets]

i really try not to, but i start to resent my friends who get partners/s.o.s/are dating idk why i guess im just jealous ive never been in a meaningful relationship like that? and i was a 3rd wheel for fucking years of my life and hated it? and all my encounters of almost dating people have been like things my friends have tried to force me into despite me being extremely uncomfortable with it?

like i feel shitty that i was happy when ami and her bf broke up (but he was also a dick so) and now shes talking to a boy she likes and been on a date with him and im happy for her (bc shes so happy) but im also terrified of being left behind again and being an afterthought like ive always been

and then theres the part of me that is afraid ill never date someone or be happy in a relationship 

i also got slightly pissed that when ami told me the boy kissed her???? like this feeling of ‘ill never know that feeling of excitement and happiness in that way’ even tho i KNOW thats (probably) bullshit but still

like i have all this internalized fear and jealousy and shit about relationships idk i just want to be happy in a relationship 

[ploonets]

also i feel like my family only half tries with my transness 

like its never a different name just “em” and when i try and masculine-ize it to “m” they complain its one fucking letter

and they think its not  like this whole thing ripping at me from the inside but like just a cosmetic thing and “you need to get a job and your own insurance to do this whole thing” (my own mother actually said this to me and it was devastating)

like they wont support me through my transition at all apparently not even hormones bc “its too expensive”

but theyll pay for the surgeries my sister needs like i get it its medical it causes her pain

but this causes me so much pain too

like its so hard to go out into the world everyday and know people dont see you as a real person like a real boy bc i havent transitioned 

i told all my teachers ‘use these prnouns and refer to me as not a girl” and yeT

they all just. didnt try.

and its so frustrating

my grandparents arent good at it they ignore it mainly i think my grandma asked me abt it once on our way home from niagara after dropping my cousin off and it was .

so. i dont know sometimes it feels like they only love the person they want me to be and its like this superficial persona 

“the granddaughter/niece would would be so pretty if she grew her hair out and wore feminine makeup and wore dresses”

i went to goodwill w my mom and sister and the mens section had nothing and so i was stuck there for a good half an hour while they went through the dresses and skirts and i was just so uncomfortable with it

and im pretty sure my little brother hates me for this like ive tried to talk to him about it and he gets really angry

and i just

i feel like i have maybe 3 people fully supporting me and its not enough

and ive talked to my roommates abt it but im still scared they see me as a girl and then everyone else will see me as a girl and . its not okay

and i know i should put my graduation money towards tuition bc its so expensive fuck why did i chose a private school 

but like

if my parents (more like my dad bc he has the good insurance) wont help me then

???????? what do i have left

hah how scandalous would that be if i used my grad money for hrt and thanked my relatives who unknowingly helped

usually im proud and idgaf about being trans but sometimes its just

its really hard

bc u dont know if ur loved for real or like, just this idea of you

which is stupid bc i know my family loves me but sometimes it really doesnt show and it really hurts

and also like ohio is shit for transitioning my doctor doesnt know anyone and my therapist doesnt know anyone and at least im moving close to columbus where theyre helpful kinda

but its 

i just really need to get this done

but no matter what im saving some of the money to buy new clothes bc i need a new wardrobe and i need to feel awesome abt how i look bc thats a rly important part of all this

and also like fuck my breasts????? theyre too big for fucking anything and my binders only work so well and i cant be braless without feeling shitty abt how ,,, idk gross they look under a shirt and they make me look rly overweight and hurt my back and its just awful but top surgery is rly expensive and all that so i just gotta keep ignorin them and hope they get smaller while workin out

ok im done w my rant now im gonna watch its always sunny and cuddle with margot and ignore the world for a bit

[ploonets]

I Am An Angel Of The Sun

[ploonets]

Lmao I had the worst fuvking dream where a bunch of teachers at school were telling me I was getting fat and I was in so much pain in my chest and back especially when touched and I kept trying to tell them I was active and eating well and my pain was holding me back from doing more and ughhhh idk I screamed and cried and yelled and hurt and it was one of the worst dreams I've had