Literally, my dream.

All the dreams are mine to begin with. Whether you had the same experience or not, this is just me, telling some stories.

[connedsoul]

Too tired

I got too tired. In my studies, my works, my relationship, on everything. Too be honest, I have almost given up on my life, but I'm still hanging there, and hoping for better future. I can't be me, nor be others. Who am I? What am I? What should I be? Who should I be?

[connedsoul]

Aku

aku pun tahu penat. aku pun sakit. Aku pun bosan. Aku pun pernah fikir mati dan bunuh diri. Tapi, takde siapa yang faham aku. Aku pun tahu sedih. Aku serba kekurangan. Aku tak sempurna. Aku tak indah. Aku banyak kecewa kan orang. Aku salah kan diri aku hari hari.

Tapi, sampai bila?

[connedsoul]

I am simple

i wrote a long heartfelt letter to my bf. i think i was wrong, but i think he was wrong too. its hard to read his mind. i walked on edge. everything i do it will be wrong too. my dad left me. i have no idea how long i have time with my mom too. true. i approached him spite of loneliness after my dad passing. true. but i came to like him more, and love him. before meeting him, i always have suicidal thought. of course, it doesnt end here. I will always carry that thought with me. whenever we fought, that suicidal thought approach. i was sad. i wasnt happy. im a simple person. if we are ok, then im happy. if we are not ok, then i will think of dying. i was always accused of being too controlling. true. i was like that. im that kind of person. but im changing and i know it is for a good cause. but he always brings up to our conversation whenever we fought. i was selfish. i know. but i cant believe he always mentioned that. how could him. but i love him too much. what should i do?

[connedsoul]

Draft paper. What is draft paper?

A draft paper is a first or second attempt at writing something, with the understanding that is incomplete and needs editing.

For example, I take a clean, nice a piece of paper, just out of the A4 plastic wrapper. I turned on my computer and start to write something, like, right now. So, I type and tyoe and tyoe and type, until I finished 285 words in a piece of paper.

“Ah-, I have to proof read it.” I take a piece of clean fresh A4 paper and put it in my printer, and then I print it.

You see here, there is a big chance that after I proof read it, there won’t be any mistake, so I can submit my writings for my blog. Then, no more paper be wasted, and the paper has a mission for its life, to deliver a perfect message for my blog, but, what if I made some mistakes?

Where will the used A4 paper go? I’ll use it as my draft paper. Means, after this. I will be using the other side of the clean part paper, and put it in a good use. There! Even draft paper has purpose for its life.  Usually, I put in a tray, that has lots of draft paper in there, so whenever I want to print something, I’ll just put in it a good use.

The draft papers will keep piling up, and I definitely be using the above papers. What about the very first draft paper I put in the tray, that has been piling up with the new draft papers. Will I be putting it in a good use? What about it? What if I forgot to use it? What if I don’t want to use it anymore?

So, the first draft paper I put in the tray, is no longer has purpose? It was first promised with beautiful things, but when things get rough, it was promised to be a second hand paper, but now I forgot about it, will it be a forgotten draft paper?

What is in life, at some point of my life, I am, a forgotten draft paper. Useless, hopeless, was promised things but get nothing. What is the purpose of my life? What am I? Who am I?

I would rather an object, which been used and used and used until worn out, rather that be an object, who does nothing, but waiting…

[connedsoul]

Dead, Dad.

I forgot which part of me, suddenly got into the car, but, my mom broke the news to me.

"I think, it's already time, his time", she said.

"What time? Whose time?"

"You father. I think, there won't be much time for him anymore, in this world", she said, relax.

My breath stopped for a moment. I could not breath, but I regained my composure and pretend I was not affected my it.

"He suddenly I asked for food he used to not eat that anymore. The stacked fruits I always made when we were in the city, before moved here. I think, we should be prepared."

In my culture, if somebody asked for something unusual, it is a sign of death. In reality, it is not that unusual, but, it my dream, it was.

I did not dare to say anything. I nodded my head and I woke up.

I woke up, with this uneasy feeling. Whatever demon sent me this dream, I grateful to it. This to make me appreciate my father more.

I love you, Dad.

[connedsoul]

It was not that hard to figure out where I was.

I was in building, in a school building, I guess. It wasn't that familiar to me, but in a second look, I know, it was my dormitary. I just somehow knew.

I was so weird. Way too weird to be true. Goosebumps, weird jinx, you name it. I felt all the tingling sensation all over my body. I can't sleep, I can't even sit. I was just.., worried.

"What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this?"

I remember now.

I was with my friends, or maybe cousins? I believe, we were all in the same dormitory. I was so glad seeing them while sitting on my bed inside. I was just glad. Maybe, a small part in me knew, what will happen if I was alone in the room.

I then went out, I have nowhere to go, no idea what to do.

Have you ever watched a thriller movie? When the lead when out alone and we knew exactly what will happen to the lead? Well..., that was so me, but I still went out. STUPID!

So I went out. Searching for something I don't even know.

''Where will I go?'' I asked myself.

I walked and walked, and I walked, until I found a high tower. Not that high, but, high enough for me.

My guts told me to search for the tower on the Internet. I took my cell phone out and I start to search it. It was very unclear for me what I typed, but I did it!

It was about how to break into the mystery tower and I know how to get into it! Can you actually believe the fact that Google stores it?!

I went to the basement, I took the old elevator to the highest and arrived on the highest floor. Then I have to wait over there with some students who have been waiting to get into their dormitory.

'Ah.... this building is also a dormitory', I was thinking by myself.

When it's time, I went into the dormitory with them. In the midst of students trying to get into their rooms, I sneak into one of the rooms and found another stairs which I believe lead to the secret tower. My guts told me, there should be a secret room up there. My guts, my guts...

I climbed till I arrived on the roof.

"Here it is!" I exclaimed out loud. "I'm here!"

I just somehow happy. Why though?

I saw nothing, nothing!

If you want to know what kind of nothing it was, it was just nothing. It's a dream guys, so somehow, there was a small window came out of nowhere. A very small one. I tried to get into it. But it was too small but surprisingly, I can fit into it.

I went in with my head first, then I tried to get my shoulder pass. I struggled in so that my hands can get into it. After my hands passed, both of them, I struggled for my entire body in.

I did it. I made it. I just somehow knew what stored inside for me and I was so nervous. The kind of nervous that you can feel it to your bones and makes you nauseous. Yes, that one!

I have no idea what’s gotten into me but my legs brought me to one of those rooms. I didn’t see it clearly but I knew, I took something from the room and I was so happy about it. It was some kind of treasure or something. Or maybe it was?

“I can’t believe I have it! It is so amazing!” I talked to myself.

My beaming smile was obvious with all those achievement I made. One; I managed to get through all those scary episodes throughout my dormitory until here. Two; I managed to break into the mystery room, and three; I got an amazing thing which I have no idea (until now) from the room.

I was so happy that I did not realise, someone had been watching me all along. My guts told me. My guts, my guts...

I picked up the pace, I started to run. All I can think about was not get caught by whoever or whatever it was. It maybe a ghost, I thought.

As soon as I reached the small window where I got in, I dropped the "thing" I got from the room and went out in hurry.

This is when things got thrilling, because I can feel, that thing was getting nearer and nearer towards me. I was so nervous, I was so scared. My real self can feel myself in a dream that was so terrified, that my real self tried to open the eyes. However, myself in the dream did not allow me to. "I need to finish this. I need to know what's going on here. I can't wake up. Just yet.."

So I ran, I save my ass from that scary tower. I ran back to my starting point, went through some unscary dormitory, to the awkward elevator, untill I reached this one weird place. I can't really called that my room. My room was way scarier that "this" place.

My heart again beating slowly, in a calming way. Hey, this is supposed to be a scary dream, right? This is so weird. Why am I suddenly okay? Am I forgetting something?

Until I realised, something weird. The "thing" I brought from the tower, the so-called treasure went missing! I did not realised I did not hold it for quite sometime now.

"Was it missing when I tried to run away from the scary whoever tried to chase me? Was is missing during the elevator ride? Where! Where!"

I ran back to the very starting point until I reached the tower.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Someone I certainly knew but can barely seen in the dream asked me as soon as I reach the tower. I ignored him, or maybe her..?

"Wasn't is supposed to be a scary mystery tower? Why there are so many people here?" I talked to myself. In the midst of many people, I tried to find the small window that can barely fit my shoulder. I got into the small window and, "here it is!" I exclaimed.

I was again happy just like the first time I saw the treasure, but not really when I remembered the "thing" who had been watching me, again, tried to chase me. Once again, I ran towards the window but this time, I asked one of the people to help me to get out and-

Just like that, I woke up from my dream. It is a dream, you can't expect it to finish, right? However, I think, the dream was clear enough. This is like a cycle. I went to the tower, I managed to survive, but I don't think I ever managed to bring the treasure with me. I can never get my hands onto it. I was somekind of forbidden. I just.., knew it.

Thank you for your time reading this dream of mine. This dream, dreamt on 19th February 2019. I however, have something I stored and probably got myself to write. I dreamt this for quite a long time ago but the memory still fresh at the back of my mind. I will definitely write here.

Thanks pals for reading this again. Goodbye, see you next time!