This was hard to watch. Since the six part series premiered on Lifetime it has created a firestorm and we as a people have got to unpack all of this!
To begin: I believe Every. Single.One. Of. These. WOMEN! And we ALL should.......BUT we don’t..... because the painful cries of Black Women fall on deaf ears. The series featured personal accounts from everyone including his security guards, back up dancers, his own brothers and most importantly, the survivors of his abuse. Their vivid and descriptive depictions of what they endured set social media on fire and everyone had an opinion to share. For everyone writing post, sharing memes blaming young black girls or still in support of Robert Kelly in any way - please read the following bullet points and get your life!
· Young Black Girls are not “FAST”, They are prematurely overly-sexualized, manipulated and preyed upon.
We can not attack young black girls for “seducing” older men. I’ve seen the memes shared with captions demeaning teenage girls that had older “boyfriends” picking them up from the high school parking lot...everyone is laughing & sharing their memories of this but ignoring the fact that these same men are aware of their power over a younger woman and exploiting it for benefit. A dominant dynamic is established when someone such as a young girl in poverty/lack thereof to basic necessities encounters a manipulator who will target that and use it to their advantage. Most of these young girls were thinking with a scarcity perspective fueled by desperation, craving more out of life and unfortunately predators were the respondents to their pleas as opposed to someone who could help. These type of men willingly and strategically use their age, money and perceived power to manipulate a younger naive mind.
Preying on their need for emotional attention, financial support and validation; young girls are met with psychological brain washing tactics that they are in no way prepared to fight against.
As early as I can remember - my body changed as I matured and older adult men were the first to comment and notice it. “Oh girl, you really starting to fill out”.....”You getting some hips and legs on you”...”You grown up now”.....”Come on over here and give me a hug, let me look at you”...comments like these occurred at family events, school and even my church growing up. Young black girls are objectified and violated in plain sight! And unfortunately because of that mindset that translates to our bodies are disposable and serve as an object of pleasure - no one acknowledges the pain endured when our innocence is stolen before we can even fully comprehend the full implications of the actions that are transpiring. Ask any black woman you know, she has a story in her childhood where this or something similar has occurred. The common misconception is that because it happens so often, the young girl is to blame because she is being “fast” or “frisky” and pursuing an older man but we ignore what the older man is doing to persuade and manipulate her to be there in the first place! Stop labeling her a whore, slut, fast or frisky!
A young girl could be as "fast" as Sonic the Hedgehog but no child is promiscuous enough to entice an older person into being intimate with him/her if that older person did not have an attraction to children initially. We never question the motives of the predator but question the actions of those being preyed upon.
In victim blaming, we blatantly ignore the psychological damage that young girls and women are suffering through daily. Predators are stealing their innocence resulting in damage to their self esteem and their ability to have agency over one's own body and life. That type of damage will literally permeate every aspect of her life until she is able to heal. Many who endure sexual traumas hide their hurt in the nearest bottle or whatever substance will numb the pain as they spend their lives drowning in shame. 60% of young black girls have been sexually violated before the age of 18 and the Black community can not just keep dismissing it as “Oh, She just acting grown.”
· “Consent” received from coercion and manipulation of a naive underage mind makes it null & void!
Many opinions argue that the women involved all participated willingly - I Call Bullshit! Within the black family that type of ideology runs rampant. By definition, consent is to give permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something. If someone is granting their permission for a sexual act to occur but it’s prompted by emotional manipulation, promises to aid in career advancement, physical abuse and fear: That’s. Not. Consent! Young black girls in under-served and inner cities are in circumstances in which older men are preying on their naïve nature, immaturity and survival needs. Living in poverty creates a scarcity mindset that forces you to result to desperate measures for basic necessities and financial support. Aside from being under the influence of substances I believe there is nothing stronger than being under the influence of mind manipulation. R. Kelly used vulnerability, power, money and persuasion to ultimately create their dynamic; just as an older family member or someone’s boyfriend will offer money and attention in the midst of their abuse of a young girl. Molestation followed by providing money and/or physical abuse is a form of control, NOT CONSENT! A known pimp & womanizer once said “Any boy can control a girl’s body but a Grown Man can control her mind” To see the parents of Joycelyn Savege and Domonique Gardner crying out for their daughters, popping up on Kelly's residences seeking their children was heartbreaking. They wouldn't speak to their families because that's how deep psychological manipulation is, its classic "Pimp" culture and was heartbreaking to watch.
The survivors are not to blame here! (Yes I'm saying it AGAIN just in case you missed it in the last paragraph)
· R Kelly’s personal experience with sexual abuse is a deflection tactic & does not justify him repeating the cycle.
During the series, R Kelly’s brother admitted that he and his brother were both molested as children. My heart mourns for all black children who endure sexual, physical, emotional abuse. We NEED to discuss the sexual abuse Black boys go through as well! Black boys are sexualized as early and often as young girls. Calling a young black boy “sexy” or your “boyfriend” or stating you’ll be waiting for him when he turns 18 is predatory behavior. Unfortunately society encourages it when it’s revealed that a teenage boy has slept with an older woman but it’s still perverted! A real discussion about sexual abuse with black boys and the trauma they endure must occur BUT not at the expense of Black girls. During the series his own brother, Bruce Kelly, stated Kelly's attraction to young girls were a “preference”. Pedophilia isn't a preference, its a choice! Truly examine the amount of time, effort, money and energy put into creating the "pimp" dynamic of power that Kelly enforced; that's intentional, calculated and strategic. Being a victim to sexual trauma and knowing the damage it caused, could lead to a mindset of NOT repeating those same heinous activities....R Kelly didn't make that choice. He is wealthy, he could have pursued counseling/therapy and he didn't.
To use his own abuse as an excuse is a defense tactic, his predatory ways cannot be justified because of a traumatic upbringing. This is precisely why I constantly stress the importance of therapy and counseling. The entire Kelly family needs help to not perpetuate this cycle.
· You can not separate the artist from the “art” when the art is a detailed description of his perverse actions and predatory lifestyle.
Seeing the comments online still crowning him as the “King Of R&B” literally sickened me. I personally recall being taught “I Believe I Can Fly” in elementary school, flapping my arms to scream the empowering lyrics. I recall my Mom cleaning our entire house with his songs crooning as we all sang along as I washed the baseboards. R Kelly provided a soundtrack for our lives. As much as we love “Step In the Name of Love” We absolutely must step away from this nigga! We can’t turn a blind eye to his actions because we love his musical genius. His security guards, producers who have worked with him, background vocalist and dancers ALL confirmed he had multiple bedrooms intentionally installed in his musical production studios. Read that again… he had multiple bedrooms *IN* the music studio…meaning he was sexually engaging and abusing young girls in between song takes. One of the survivors revealed that Kelly penned “You Are Not Alone” for Michael Jackson detailing her miscarriage of Kelly’s child while she was 17. Analyzing the lyrics he had Aaliyah sing for her debut single:
“Boy be brave, don't be afraid,
Cause tonight we're gonna, go all the way.
Don't mean to be bold, gotta let you know,
I gotta thing for you, and I can't let go my..
Age ain't nothing but a number, throwing down ain't nothing but a thang,
This loving I have for you it'll never change”......
I know the music is catchy but don't compartmentalize just to serve what benefits you and undermines the severity of damage these women endured.
There is absolutely no way we can continue to separate the art from the artist when his art depicts the life he manifest and the young girls who are a part of it!
· Everyone surrounding Aaliyah during her time with him had concerns but no one took action!
A stage manager, his body guards, his entourage, his family, producers who created music for her, friends of Liyah who were also background dancers and toured with her all witnessed her relationship with Kelly. Per the docuseries, they all stated they had concerns but no action occurred to protect her. The bodyguard openly admitted he forged documents to aid in their marriage; at the time Aaliyah was only 15 years old. After Aaliyah's mother heard the background dancer Jovante Cunningham openly stated she saw Kelly having sex with Aaliyah she immediately denied it in a statement stating she and her husband were always with Aaliyah as she toured. With all respect to the Haughton family and the legacy of Aaliyah, her family failed her and everyone around her failed her. It seems her mother is afraid to admit the truth of this situation, not every parent can be around their teenagers 24/7 and that's okay. BUT don't shame others for speaking their TRUTH. It dawned on me after watching the details be described that perhaps he likely married Aaliyah so that she could get an abortion without having to get parental consent. If a murder is committed and someone witnesses it - they are an accessory to the crime. I'm demanding a legal reform that applies the same logic to everyone who enabled R Kelly!
After we've watched the episodes and read the countless memes, status post and tweets let us remember: Listen to Black WOMEN! Tears don't flow that easily nor does pain resonate in someone's voice like that without reason. Even if you deny the claims, we have legal documents that show Robert Sylvester Kelly married Aaliyah when she was 15. You can be pro-black and still hold Black men and women accountable for their wrongdoings. A black girl’s life is more important than some hit songs. I commend dream hampton and the superb cinematic efforts she executed in creating this docu-series! It highlights a truth so basic it pains me that I even have to state it: Anything that harms Black Women harms black PEOPLE in our entirety....and R Kelly must be added to that list.
Bye Robert, Get some help!
(Note: If this was triggering for you or you need someone to talk to, please email us at [email protected], confidentiality guaranteed...I love you)
