*Spider Jesus*

[consensualricesermon-blog]

*inadvertantly covers salad with olive oil instead of balsamic vinegar*

jesus wouldn’t have wanted this 

[consensualricesermon-blog]

*Throws Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at your window in an attempt at courtship*

[consensualricesermon-blog]

*uses hamburger helper ™ juice as lube*

watch out babe I’m going in raw

[consensualricesermon-blog]

But Sharon...

The Lasagna...

[consensualricesermon-blog]

u ever be eating individually wrapped chocolates and u be flinging the wrappers back in the box after u done with the chocolate and then u shove ur hand up in that bitch and ur like, yup, that’s a lot of chocco, but then u tip the box out ant that bitch is 99% wrapper? excuse me bitch? we may eat plastic when shit gets hard but that day ain’t today 

[consensualricesermon-blog]

hotpants destroyed pre-world war 2 germany, and they’ll destroy you too 

[consensualricesermon-blog]

a concept

we make sweet love all night long. I refuse to use my hands, and instead make penguin like ducking motions over your beautiful body. we are madly in love. the cows are screaming once more 

[consensualricesermon-blog]

*bats the epipen out of the charming, peanut allergenic librarians hand after he mistakes peanut slice for caramel*

put that cig down young man

[consensualricesermon-blog]

tell me I’m pretty, I scream to no one in particular.

the chanel boots are filling up with swamp water.

the spaghetti stringing from my nose? lukewarm.

luke, where did you put my tequila?

[consensualricesermon-blog]

If religion is the opiate of the masses how come I don’t get high when I go to church?

checkmate athiests

[slimetony]

I have the power to shrink my body but it would also shrink my brain proportionately and it would make me to dumb to get big so ive never done it

[consensualricesermon-blog]

I did a similar thing except my package stayed the exact same size. Tiny ant boy with three inch lovemaker. Ladybugs love it.

[consensualricesermon-blog]

feelings getting you down? baths not easing the stress? incense filling your nostrils with nothing but the scent of your ex-wifes perfume? why did you leave me for him sarah? why chad? it was the mercedes wasn’t it sarah? I’m sorry I coul;dn’t be the man for you 

[consensualricesermon-blog]

ya know I have very mixed views on masturbation. on the one hand? ajit pai. 

[consensualricesermon-blog]

Five Nights At Freddies FanFic

*kicks freddy mcfuckbear and his lollipop guild fanbase right in the fucking dick*

“how do you like that mr fazzhead?” I say, my super hot 6 pack glistening and covered in ketchup. 

*freshnugget looks at me, and smiles*

“You were too late... she is dead.”

*I scream, then push my fists deep into my eyes. My goth GF. Gone forever*

[consensualricesermon-blog]

the only difference between power lines and a fucking dank swing set is stone cold courage, a plank torn straight from your grandmas coffin and your little brothers he-man doll

[consensualricesermon-blog]

frat boy culture is nutting every time you see one of your bros score a three pointer

[consensualricesermon-blog]

A Haiku

Drinking from the bong

We all sip up, but alas

Spider flavored lube