atlas/alas!

a reflection of a love, or just an afterthought.

[a-dance-with-the-absurd]

Human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which bad is that in a given situation we can make only one decision; we are not granted a second, third, or fourth life in which to compare various decisions.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera (via a-dance-with-the-absurd)

[conservatry]

counting down

5

we opiate ourselves with these feelings of resignation, drunkenly dancing to the tune of lost hope. my fingers fidget with the rubber band on my hand, picking at the bead that holds it all together. my chest is tight and heaves with heavy breaths, slowly getting shallower and more rapid as i bite my lip in an attempt to will this all away. the smell of lavender ought to calm me down by now - but the incredibly perfumed air does the opposite, clouding my senses. the strings in my head are getting tighter now; the tension on my temples is slowly increasing, and i beg these strings not to snap. everything seems to be coming down on me now and i’m just bearing the repercussions alone as i always have been.

4

the first realisation came when i woke up - Guilt weighing me down like It had been doing for the past few weeks. Guilt holds me down to bed by chains, but my wrists fights the feeling of failure and drives it away. mechanically, i fold the blanket, make breakfast, and take a shower, with four limbs and a heart feeling as if they were made of lead. as the cold water hits me, so does reality - a vacuum sucking up the little hope i had in my heart. but no matter how long i seem to let the ice cold water engulf me, i cannot seem to scrub the layer of fatalism off my body. i have no idea if the rainwater is more of tears or the shower now - so i get out, wipe myself dry and let the day begin.

3

the tsunami of my heart is made up of resignation and acceptance, swirling, roaring, overwhelming my senses. my walls are starting to be broken down by the unforgiving torrentuous water, but at the end of it all, i know that a tsunami is just water - no matter what, it always washes up the shore. the tsunami in me is now strong - travelling closer and closer to the flames on the shore in my heart,  until it extinguishes the flames in me. all light goes out, dissolving whatever remaining fight i had in the first place. i feel this strife within me, it is suffocating, staggering, and overwhelming (and i really wish i could just break down right now) but i grit my teeth and continue, focusing on counting the lights in the train tunnel. one… two...

2

it’s funny how human opinions can take a 180-degree turn in a matter of days. how does the human psyche work? what marks a turning point? how do things change and fall so quick, so fast? this fight no longer lingers in my heart like it used to. nothing is ever like it used to be. nothing will ever stay the same. yellow used to be my favourite colour, a colour that reminded me of the sun in all its glory, in its brightness and the rays of hope it brought. now, it just reminds me of phlegm, of sickness, of deceit, of instability. i painted my walls a different colour last week. the smell of paint still lingers - like how these urges to turn back still do.

1

i went to the circus a few days ago, and i conclude that the circus is made up of the dead. the seals are wailing in pain, for their noses are perpetually glued to balls that pop as easily as my will to fight. the lions are baring their teeth, a hunger running even deeper than food and water - a hunger running in their mind of getting out of their cages and embracing freedom; like the hunger running in my mind for making things right. all of us are forced to accept and move on - i guess we’re all just the same; what a shame.

0this is the calm after the storm, the learning, the acceptance and the will to live on.

[conservatry]

target

love is not about a mouth full of bullets

or a nosebleed of broken hearts.

the dictionary defines love as oh,

the feeling my heart goes when it sees you,

cliche, i know, but really i am absolutely

head over heels for you. let my body

contorts into a magician’s box. my

spineless backbone snaps into place, and

darling, you are the magician trapping me in

this box, my bloody wand in my mouth as you chant

aba,cadabra, shooting me in the bulls-eye.

[conservatry]

if you loved me, why’d you leave me?

take my body, take my body. all i want — and all i need is to find somebody like you

[conservatry]

loveless

you nestle up against my hair

with the awash of desire like

copious rain. the gurgles in my

mouth are soundless when your

hands rush up my backbone.

you are dizzy, with love, with adrenaline.

laced with forget-me-nots are your lips

as you whisper love letters for me,

for me, for me. the exclusivity of your

words: i’ll be with you to the end

of the world

[conservatry]

there will be a day

(prompt: on visualising happiness)

i will learn how to dance with Happiness

my arms leaning on It’s shoulders.

my feet will step on all the right notes,

my beating heart in sync with the sun.

i will tango/tangle with my emotions

my head sinking in the melody

of the indescribable feeling of warmth

that floats, flutters, flies in my chest,

this is a Foxtrot, where i will flow,

gliding in the direction of Happiness

my legs find It’s true tune, and it’s all so easy

& i reach home again

[conservatry]

maybe this summer still offers chances

when the sun sets, my beating heart doesn't set the same way. you tell me to settle down but how the hell do i stop a heart from beating so fast when i am with you? the flowers still open in the spring and wilt in the winter. the flowers still do that every year so why is it that my love for you never remains this constant as the flowers do? you make my heart- my closed heart- break and you allow my mosaic rush of emotions to tumble out like this massive rollercoaster going up and down, up and down. don't you just love bringing it up, breaking me into my contrite and submissive self? and you, you open up my wounds by cutting through the literal broken pieces of my heart! you open my heart as easily as you open your Christmas presents. everything you come across you break, and i guess I'm blocking your path to success with someone else, because you break me over and over again. always the same isn't it? i give you many things and always find them taken away in the heat of this storm. now, when the sun rises and summer arrives, i guess we’ll be separated by a physical barrier of disinterest from you and i guess, this seesaw will never go to your side, i guess it’ll always be on mine for this world of chances i give you and you never give me. i guess this is it. i hope summer offers more chances for you when you’re still at it. as much hatred as i can collect within my heart for you, you’ve broken my heart so many times there is nothing left in it, but through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you and i still love you and this summer still offers chances for you. chances that are not me, i guess.

[conservatry]

third eye

verse two

hey look up!

you don’t have to be a ghost

here amongst the living

you are flesh and blood

and you deserve to be loved

and you deserve what you are given

[conservatry]

the end

i can't keep breaking up with you/you messed with my heart babe/now it's black and blue/but love isn't fair/so i swear/that this time/this is the end/and i can't keep lying/lying to myself/oh i'm thinking you'll love me right/but you never will/it's too much to bear (too much to bear)so i swear (this time i swear)that this time/this is the end (i mean it baby)oh/said i'm gonna leave/but i'll never leavin'/now i know that i really don't need to have your fun/now the party's done/and you beg on the floor/as i walk out the door/boy we're through/oh/all the tears i've cried/all the lonely nights/boy i lost my mind/but now i'm sure (now i'm sure now i'm sure)you can say all you want but love isn't here anymore/and i won't be missing, missing you/and no one can love you/the way i used to do/but love isn't fair (love isn't fair)and i swear/that this time/this is the end/oh/i promise baby/this is the end/you know it's the end/oh, hey, yeah/this is the end/i can’t 

[conservatry]

her bullet

i. the bullet flies from its mother. grazes many ears, lands deep in my heart: has me screaming for mercy. she laughs & i am taken away, breathless i become, falling in love with an angelic girl (fall short of her psychotic laughter) her halo burns like fire to my eyes, but she tells me with her twinkly eye, that darling, you're overreacting. ii. & ... i've grown to realise that love is pain, & her smile is like sun on a rainy day. & maybe she loves me too. maybe a gunshot to the heart isn't much? crawling on knees, begging her please & there she comes, wraps me in the sheets gunpowder over her arms, pulling me in. drapes vodka over my kerosene lips & oh...! iii. there is danger at the crook of her teeth; danger with a match and a lighter. grabs my hair and growls acid to my lips i watch, ponder, finally kissing her back & fire sets like wolves in a wolf pack but love is pain? and i wouldn't mind her werewolf bite anyway? iv. & darling you're overreacting