we opiate ourselves with these feelings of resignation, drunkenly dancing to the tune of lost hope. my fingers fidget with the rubber band on my hand, picking at the bead that holds it all together. my chest is tight and heaves with heavy breaths, slowly getting shallower and more rapid as i bite my lip in an attempt to will this all away. the smell of lavender ought to calm me down by now - but the incredibly perfumed air does the opposite, clouding my senses. the strings in my head are getting tighter now; the tension on my temples is slowly increasing, and i beg these strings not to snap. everything seems to be coming down on me now and i’m just bearing the repercussions alone as i always have been.
the first realisation came when i woke up - Guilt weighing me down like It had been doing for the past few weeks. Guilt holds me down to bed by chains, but my wrists fights the feeling of failure and drives it away. mechanically, i fold the blanket, make breakfast, and take a shower, with four limbs and a heart feeling as if they were made of lead. as the cold water hits me, so does reality - a vacuum sucking up the little hope i had in my heart. but no matter how long i seem to let the ice cold water engulf me, i cannot seem to scrub the layer of fatalism off my body. i have no idea if the rainwater is more of tears or the shower now - so i get out, wipe myself dry and let the day begin.
the tsunami of my heart is made up of resignation and acceptance, swirling, roaring, overwhelming my senses. my walls are starting to be broken down by the unforgiving torrentuous water, but at the end of it all, i know that a tsunami is just water - no matter what, it always washes up the shore. the tsunami in me is now strong - travelling closer and closer to the flames on the shore in my heart, until it extinguishes the flames in me. all light goes out, dissolving whatever remaining fight i had in the first place. i feel this strife within me, it is suffocating, staggering, and overwhelming (and i really wish i could just break down right now) but i grit my teeth and continue, focusing on counting the lights in the train tunnel. one… two...
it’s funny how human opinions can take a 180-degree turn in a matter of days. how does the human psyche work? what marks a turning point? how do things change and fall so quick, so fast? this fight no longer lingers in my heart like it used to. nothing is ever like it used to be. nothing will ever stay the same. yellow used to be my favourite colour, a colour that reminded me of the sun in all its glory, in its brightness and the rays of hope it brought. now, it just reminds me of phlegm, of sickness, of deceit, of instability. i painted my walls a different colour last week. the smell of paint still lingers - like how these urges to turn back still do.
i went to the circus a few days ago, and i conclude that the circus is made up of the dead. the seals are wailing in pain, for their noses are perpetually glued to balls that pop as easily as my will to fight. the lions are baring their teeth, a hunger running even deeper than food and water - a hunger running in their mind of getting out of their cages and embracing freedom; like the hunger running in my mind for making things right. all of us are forced to accept and move on - i guess we’re all just the same; what a shame.
0this is the calm after the storm, the learning, the acceptance and the will to live on.