in love with a girl who’s loved by many. in anyway, even romantically. she’s the light in the dark and the life of the party. said that she was uncertain about reciprocation, but there’s really something going on. sometimes, it gets really muddling when she acts like she still wants him. she wants him to get back to her. but she says that she hates him for what he did. i don’t really get it. i lay in bed every night thinking to myself why am i in love with this girl. i lay in bed every night thinking to myself why does she let me touch her and kiss her neck, but it seems like she wants somebody else. well, i know she wouldn’t just let anybody do those things but why does it feel like everyone’s chasing after her and she’s fine with that? why does it feel like she’s just fucking with my emotions?
i wrote those earlier. earlier when i haven’t talked to her about it yet.
i asked her if she still wants him, she said she doesn’t. obviously, i felt joy and all but, it doesn’t seem right. something seems to be wrong. something’s still wrong. so i asked her
if you know the difference between possibility and probability, you already know i’m fucked up.
that moment, i wanted to cry but i couldn’t, i wanted to scream, but i couldn’t. i tried to ignore everything, to shut the world up, but it didn’t. it laughed at me. everything was so wrong. i felt so played. i was her “somebody else” in an optional way.
but then again, she’s uncertain. she’s beautifully unpredictable. she’s the love of my life.
maybe someday, i’ll get back to my senses. maybe a day will come and everything i’m thinking now, everything i’m feeling now will make me want me to stop. but now, i’m deeply in love with her. love, in the deepest manner where even the fact that she still loves him, can’t make my soul stop from craving her.
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