The In-Between

We are in-between the beginning and the end, this middle space we call life. That is forever changing and teaching us the ways of the universe. We have to learn how to listen to the vibrations around us and in turn become the best version of ourselves. This is my journey, party of it anyway, and I write what I feel and experience along the way. Come with me as I make my way through The In-Between.

[constantlykatie]

There are some things that time cannot heal. We just learn how to live with them. It’s been over 2 years, and more than a year since I’ve posted. Time has gotten away, and while it has healed most wounds, there are those that will never be the same. I could sit here, wallowing in misery, but that is not really me, and such a fucking waste of time. I will be starting a new blog, as I look at these as different times in my life. I talk like I have a few different ones on this platform, but sadly they are lost elsewhere or are physically written in a journal lost in my room. This in-between is over. I have found myself. Do I miss him? Yes. Would I get back together if the opportunity was there. I can’t say, honestly. If it was tomorrow, the answer would be no. If it’s in 5 years, I have no clue. I will say that for me, Katie, I don’t look back. That time has passed for him and me. What I miss is the companionship. A friend, a support, a person, my person, to be there and not physically, but just knowing that they are there for me, that is all I feel I need now. But my trust in people is broken, and I have the worst pessimistic judgement of all people, even ones I know. This will be the hardest hill to climb. So, I was broken into a million piece, but I’m like bone, I repaired, recovered, and now I’m twice as strong. I gave my whole heart and soul to that person, which if you know me, is quite a remarkable feat. It may be cheesy, but ‘sharing is caring’ and remember to share often. It doesn’t have to be big, the small things count too. I know I’m a black and white person. I don’t like grey areas or drama, sooo not my thing. I run from it actually. I know that I throw myself fully into a project or person, throwing caution to the wind and taking that risk, jumping off the cliff into the black unknown of tomorrow. I know I am impulsive and tend to do things I shouldn’t. I give great advice, but rarely listen to it. I don’t really look at that as a bad thing though. My life was planned and organized. Now its chaotic and unpredictable. And I have to say that it’s been the greatest time I’ve had in a while. There are things we cannot heal. Things we cannot change. But we persist. We endure. We live. 

So I move forwards, comfortable in my own skin, more that I ever have been. I realized that there is an unwritten and unspoken expectation for us to all find ‘the one’, as if that is our validation to the world that we are successful in life. The only expectation I am putting on myself is to be honest. Stronger. Wiser. Sassier. A bit more jaded, but willing to take the risk for what life has to offer. 

[constantlykatie]

Let it be...

I have found out this past year that I have a hard time letting people go. I was going to say things, I am a bit of a pack rat, but really it’s people. I get attached. When I feel a connection, I sink right in and allow my whole soul accept yours. And I love that. I love meeting new people and finding that we share a connection. I don’t outwardly share or show much emotion, but I feel very deeply for all I meet. So when I connect with someone it’s permanent, until they break any trust. Sometimes people are honest, but just leave. How do people do that? Just turn off what was there? There are many relationships that I should sever, connections that at this point are only on my side, people who actually make my quality of life worse by keeping them in it. But I do it anyway. I am loyal till the end and probably too much. I just don’t get how someone can tell you you’re amazing, wonderful, blah blah blah and then walk away to the next shiny toy. Does anyone these days have a sense of value for a person, dedication, loyalty? It makes me wonder if what people say to make you feel so so special was said with sincerity and honesty or if it’s all part of their bait. I like to think I’m aware enough to spot such things, but alas I lack such skills. I know that I am strong and I am a good person. I hope to treat everyone with kindness and love. We all deserve to be happy and smile. I take comfort in knowing who I am and that I won't just give up on someone. Love life. Love other. Love yourself.

[constantlykatie]

expectations

i have realized that i place unspoken expectations on probably too many things. Thoughts, feeling, questions, answers, everything. things always get messed up not by the situation, but by the ideas of what we think it should be in our minds. i guess this goes towards my whole honesty kick i’ve been on over this last year. i say that i want people to be honest with me, but what i mean is that i want full disclosure, complete unfettered, no sugar coated honesty. yes, this stems from an event that i have recently experienced, kinda, but mostly something that i have been thing about for a while in listening others talk about their communication issues with their partners. so here’s a situation: someone says that they are making dinner and texts their partner that they can come over if they want. partner doesn’t go over and then a fight ensues later in the evening because there was the underlying expectation that the partner would come over. the text should have communicated that expectation. ok, here’s another situation: two people are ‘seeing’ each other, no labels, no attachments. one feels the other pulling away so they have a talk. one says that they are just not ready for a relationship. the other says let’s just be friends then. they are friends, but then one finds out that the other is dating someone else. it shouldn’t hurt but it does hurt to find out that you were just not the one that they wanted to date. it hurts to know that they didn’t have enough respect for you to just be completely honest in their attempt at sparing your feelings and tell you they just want to see other people. either of these situations is not what happened to me, similar, but i made it a bit more dramatic at the end just to make a point. i get it. someone may not be right for the other. I just went through that, i totally and deeply understand that, but when you say you’re being honest, then just be honest and don’t try to spare someones feelings. in the end the only feelings you’re sparing is your own, saving yourself from the guilt you may have for hurting someone you once cared for. even if you still care for the person, it doesn’t matter, honestly will always be more appreciated even in the worst circumstances. at least for me. i realize that much of my own disappointment is my own lack of communication about what I expect from others. and I know I expect a lot. it is unfair of me to expect such openness and honesty from people I have only know a short period of time. that level of comes with time, long time and a certain level of comfort. I know I my level is pretty low and I share too much too soon. finding that happy medium is a work in progress, I guess. trying to remove those expectations from thoughts is easier said than done, but I am up for the challenge. i don’t ask for much. only the following are top of my list: don’t lie to me. don’t waste my time. i love hard. i’m fiercely loyal. and i will walk out of your life if i don’t get the same respect in return. welcome to my 2017.

[constantlykatie]

2016

It’s almost 1am on January 1, 2017. Four years ago, on this day, the man i thought I was going to spend my life with told me he loved me. Ten months ago he told me that love was gone. I got a new job, promoted five months later. I met someone in the fall, who showed me that the heart can be broken and mended, even if the scars are still there and the pain still lingers. Someone different who can make you feel just as special as the one before, maybe even more. And then there was pain again. I let myself get carried away again, falling to fast, never taking a pause to ask if this is what he wants? Is this what I want? Am I ready for this again? 

I begin this year alone, filled with hopes and wishes for this year. But if there is one thing that I learned from 2016, it’s that anything is possible, even the impossible. And we have to be ready to accept whatever life throws our way. Change is not easy, but it is progress, it is moving forward, it is life. I chose to start this year alone, unhindered by any event attachment to the holiday. I already have one and I didn’t feel another was necessary.

Focusing on myself and being happy alone is the theme for the beginning of this year. What do I need to make myself happy? This is a question that I will need to ask myself daily. For so long my happiness has be derived from my need to make sure the ones I love are happy first. But filling the needs and happiness of others before I know what truly makes me happy will benefit no one in the future. 

This is the year I will clean My house. The Katie House. 

It will be a great, awesome, amazing year, filled with ups and downs, love and sorrow. I will be healthier, happier and in the best shape of my life. 

Bye 2016. I’m done. 

Hello 2017. I am ready.

[books-n-quotes]

I get that you’re scared and that you’ve been hurt. But doing what is easy and safe is no way to live, and a life without passion and love is so far beneath what you deserve.

Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars

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(via books-n-quotes)

Feeling scared and hurt makes me feel lost and alone, wandering in the darkness towards a light that doesn’t seem to get closer, but I can see it. I know it’s there and someday I will reach it, a better, stronger individual. I still have some hope for myself.

[books-n-quotes]

Now all you can do is wait. It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. Like the ebb and flow of tides. No one can do anything to change them. When it is time to wait, you must wait.

Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

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(via books-n-quotes)

This must be my time to wait...but for what?

[books-n-quotes]

Whatever it is you’re running from - it goes with you. it stays with you until you find out how to confront it.

Colleen Hoover, Slammed

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(via books-n-quotes)

I love running...

[books-n-quotes]

Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it’s going to kill us.

Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

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(via books-n-quotes)

What I want will most definitely kill me. There is already nothing left.

[constantlykatie]

small thoughts...

It’s hard to know that the one person you love most in this world, that you want to share your life with, doesn’t feel the same. It hurts and, yea, it just hurts.

[books-n-quotes]

Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find.

William Shakespeare, The Passionate Pilgrim

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(via books-n-quotes)

How would one define ‘faithful friends’? Cause I thought I knew, but I finding out I don’t.

[books-n-quotes]

It was good, and nothing good is truly lost. It stays part of a person, becomes part of their character. So part of you goes everywhere with me. And part of me is yours, forever.

Rosamunde Pilcher, The Shell Seekers

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(via books-n-quotes)

Truth.

[constantlykatie]

I yearn for travels in my future. It may be not for a few years since I am starting a graduate program...but someday...I could complete my program online...the possibilities of new adventures are like the open road, free and endless...

[books-n-quotes]

I have a million things to talk to you about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

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(via books-n-quotes)

This is how I feel about my best friend. Not now and not soon, but maybe someday, far in the future we will meet again and start from the beginning. Its better than starting from where we left off...

[constantlykatie]

Leave who you were. Love who you are. Look forward to who you will become.

unknown

[music-and-quotes]

And if you love me, won’t you let me know?

Coldplay, Violet Hill (via music-and-quotes)

[constantlykatie]

facing forward

I am scared at what lies ahead of me. I am also excited. I realized that I have been in relationships for the last 16 years. When my last relationship ended it was mutual and it was time. I was secure with myself and who I was as an individual embarking on a new adventure of being on my own and not planning a life with another. That was 4 years ago. I was only on that new life path for about 4 months when I met him and my life took a turn down a different path than the one I had been looking forward to. I was not looking for love or expecting to find it so soon. Falling in love with him was so easy, it was like breathing for me. And it was different than before. This time it felt more complete to me. As if during my last relationship I wasn’t ready to give my heart fully to another, but I was with him. I was ready for the next chapter in my life with love and marriage and a family. Now I see that it was my dream and not his, not ours. 

Facing forward to my unplanned future feels terrifying and is like looking into a black hole, unknown and infinite. It scares me that i don’t have anything planned and I have no idea what is coming next. But at the same time it is rather exciting. This has pushed me to my limits and forced me to experience things beyond anything I could have imagined, good and bad. 

Let’s start with the bad first and get that out of the way. I’ll try to keep it short cause I am hoping that this post is more positive than the others.

Bad ( overdramatic and extremely emo): I can’t love another again. I love him and will always have a place for him in my heart. I am moving on and understanding that I am better without him, but I decided the day he broke up with me that I don’t ever want to feel this way EVER again. It hurts too much physically and emotionally. I know that many people go through heartbreak and recover and I will, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to allow myself to be open to this level of despair. It took me a long time to get to the position I was at to be open to love him and now the walls are back up and this time made of steel. (This was something I had written right after and was feeling those extreme emotions of despair and loss, which have dissipated with time. But it is important to acknowledge that those thoughts did exist and occasionally cross my mind.)

Bad: I am more closed off to people than I ever have been. It’s like I’m perpetually bitter and just don’t like people. Like, ewww.

Bad: I cope with stress by working out and now I do it ALL THE TIME!

Good: I have been forced to reevaluate my life, to really look at what makes me happy and what do I want to get out of my time here. I am trying to use this time to really reflect on who I am. It is an interesting perspective to remove everything else and focus on yourself. Maybe other people are better at it than I, but I am finding it rather difficult. I am revisiting activities that I used to enjoy doing or would struggle to find time to do. Blogging is one of them. I started dancing again. I am pretty busy with work and school, but I would like to get back to backpacking and camping. Communing with nature always relaxes me. There are a ton of TV shows that I want to watch. I used to watch soooo much TV and then I’m not sure what happened...just kinda stopped. Cooking. i always enjoy cooking, but ever have the time, so maybe after this quarter I’ll have some time to cook, catch up on my shows and spend time with Digits.

Good: I experienced love, and that is amazing all on its own. i don’t think I need to elaborate on that.

Good: In my reflection, I have had a chance to look at my faults. And yes I think that this is a good thing. It is not often and not everyone has a chance to really look at themselves as a whole, good and bad. I have noticed things about me that i don’t particularly like and am actively working to fix them. One it to be more emotionally open to people close to me. This is probably the hardest one for me given my current emotional status, but I have faith in myself that I can be open with people instead of closing off and pushing them away. I have a whole list and I’ll probably write a post about them. 

Good: I want to take risks where I wouldn’t have before. I want to go sky diving, which is relatively small but still exciting and thrilling. I also made the decision that I want to live internationally. So a goal for me it to work for an international company within the next 3 years. Now that I don’t have anything tying me to stay in the states or California for that matter, I want to see the world and experience different cultures. If I can’t find an international job, I’ll settle with something in a different state. I haven’t lived outside of California so I think it would be extremely exciting to try anything new! ( I did live in Michigan for 6 months, but it was so short that I don’t count it.) I talk to more people I don’t know in new settings. Normally I am a very shy person, but now I don’t care if they like me or not so I just go for it.

The good and bad items relate to each other and as I continue to move forward the good will take over, leaving the bad in its wake. While I am scared for what is next, I am ready for it. Bring it on life. I can take whatever you have next for me.

[constantlykatie]

Questions

One of the questions that goes through my head multiple times a day is ‘why’? 

It is a questions that we all have once we learn it at a very young age. We yearn for the understanding and reason behind all things. I want to know why we are here? Why do humans only use a certain percentage of their brains? Why do we have adults that do not know how to read? Why is there not peace? But most of all I want to know why he doesn’t love me any more. 

I was given the reason for leaving me of “I don’t love you romantically anymore.” I do admit that is an excellent reason for breaking up with someone and I am not naive to think that this could never happen. People change and evolve as we make our way through life and experience different things that shape use everyday. Something changed with him that had the unfortunate outcome of falling out of love with me. And I dislike that I really want to know why did he fall out of love. Was it something I did? Is it because I gained weight and am too fat for him now? (This is a whole other post coming soon. They physical aspects and vainness a the core of relationships.) Was I too much of a nag? Did I not share in things that he enjoyed? Did I not assist him with things that he wanted help with but never directly asked me? All of these questions and more go through my head. Not all the time anymore, but when I have time to ponder things and let my mind wander, the doubt and self-recriminations slowly seep in. 

I do realize that he also may not know why. It was very sudden, at least on my end. One day it’s all ‘I love you baby’ to the next, ‘This feels wrong and we should break up.’ He has gone through a lot and I know he is just doing what he feels is right for him. Being with him and our relationship felt right to me, but not for him. Sometimes one party wins and the other looses. 

Another question that i continually ask myself is ‘What’. What could I have done differently? What did I do to make him not love me? What is wrong with me? What am I going to do now? What if I can’t get over him and move on?  Too many questions and a lot of them I have come to understand, won’t ever be answered. I just have to accept things as they are. It’s just so damn infuriating to know that you put your heart and soul out there and apparently it wasn’t enough. I guess it is true that sometimes love just isn’t enough, which is heartbreaking in itself just knowing that is true. But, I still love him, even if it isn’t enough.