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Fuck sakes, I hate having a crush on someone. We haven’t talked in years and now he’s interacting with me and I’m thrown off because he’s actually pretty cool! UGHH why?!? I need him to leave my mind

I really wish it was me who had died that day. Not her. Everyone misses her but I highly doubt anyone would’ve missed me. She had sisters who cared about her. I have a brother who only texts me when he needs money. My mom and my grandma only care about themselves and my dad has a new family with a baby on the way and I’m supposed to just call them my half-sister. Yeah it’s a girl so more replacement issues along with my abandonment issues. YOU FUCKING LEFT ME ALONE! Kike wasn’t here. Mom wasn’t here. Abuelita wasn’t here. I was alone all the time and not a single person asked nor cared how I felt about it all. Also whenever you call, the moment I hang up I start crying and start spiraling all over again. That’s not healthy. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I’m just so exhausted. I’m tired of being a part of this.

You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. Stop being so fucking dramatic. Stop being so sensitive. Just get over it. You’ve been in therapy for 3 years and haven’t gotten better. You’re mental illnesses aren’t real. You’re attention seeking. Your sexual assault is normal. It happens to everyone. Why aren’t you more like your brother? Why are you so lazy? She doesn’t put any effort into anything. You always make yourself the victim. You’re a lot for other people. You don’t even try. You ruined this relationship. You always ruin it. Why am I alive? What’s the point? You graduated and still haven’t found a job? If they want to unalive themselves, that’s their business. They wanted to abort you. Honestly maybe they should have. I told you to stop and you didn’t. Then got mad at me. You stalked someone before and kissed them without permission. Why was I so fucking stupid? Your mom who is a cop made it go away. You were the “nice guy”. That’s such fucking bullshit. You said that you cared about me and yet never took care of me. Why was I the parent to my parent? Why did I have to be the one to deal with your arrest? You disappeared and I thought something happened to you and when you got home, the first thing you asked about was your phone. I couldn’t sleep and was crying all night and you didn’t even ask me about how I felt. You don’t care. When I say how I feel, I end up being the bad guy. Why? Why do I care so fucking much about your opinion of me when you yourself are a piece of shit? You were never around. I was alone. When I ended up in the hospital, that’s when you started caring and crying. When I told you I wanted to kill myself the first time, you laughed at me. You don’t actually care about me. You just care about how it made you look. I’m so fucking tired.

I really fucking wish I could just d*e and not it affect anyone. I’m not someone that should fucking exist anymore. I’m garbage and just wish someone would hit me with their fucking car. That’s my dream right now.

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I miss being in the hospital

I was doing so well and now it’s like I’m back to that time. I don’t know if I’m capable of being a human. I don’t think I’m capable of going to work anymore. I don’t think I’m able to just be a functioning person. I don’t know what’s going on.

Constantly feeling disconnected from everything and everyone and idk what to do about it. It's just become my normal state at this point.

The more I'm around people, the less empathetic I become. Idk why that happens.

Something that I find funny is that people think that if I work and study, then my negative thoughts and thoughts of dying will decrease like lol its gonna be the opposite. I'm going to want to kill myself more. It's just funny to me that they think this.

void-milf

fyi the point of fucking up your data patterns isnt to avoid suspicion. it’s to make EVERYONE suspicious. same logic as the bloc, pals. protect your comrades, be suspicious. ESPECIALLY if you aren’t doing anything likely to get you arrested.

void-milf

the state is less omniscient and significantly more incompetent than you’d think. overextend their resources at every possible opportunity. make them cry wolf repeatedly. run their data analysis agents fucking ragged. and strike. attack.

37womenwieldingknives

YES i’m a postgrad statistics researcher and i can tell you that the state honestly has NO IDEA what to do with the data it collects, it has an obsession with big data but it’s almost impossible to work with in practice. the traditional statistical approaches that are used can’t be scaled up, the adapted approaches are substantially weakened, and the machine learning approaches have the same problems and often tell them nothing. data scientists are only just coming around to these issues too, most still just push on with it anyway - incompetence is the word. above all this though, like you say, the biggest issue for the state is at the point of data collection. they will NEVER get anything useful if they’re collecting shitty messy data. they will eventually figure out that the real solution is working how to collect accurate and meaningful data, we should make it as difficult as possible for them to do that

afraidofamericans

This makes me think that we need WAAAY more apps that generate junk data

queeranarchism

Apps that generate junk data? tell me moooore.

anarchopuppy

Ooh I know this one!

Ad Nauseum is an adblocker that stores the ads it blocks and continuously generates fake clicks, fucking with analytics and costing the ad companies money

TrackMeNot automatically does randomly generated searches on a variety of search engines to obscure your real searches and fuck with analytics, and you can set it up to work with anything that has a search bar (including facebook, twitter, amazon, youtube, etc)

WhatCampaign replaces analytics parameters in links with the string “FuckOff”. I thought there was a similar extension that used random strings, but I can’t seem to find it

Privacy Possum is a fork of Privacy Badger with a focus on costing tracking companies as much money as possible, and idk if my limited tech knowledge is enough to understand what it does but the description does say it falsifies some data so that’s good enough for me

@afraidofamericans

mayflower-gal

Boy it SURE would be a SHAME if this were SPREAD AROUND for everyone TO SEE

Things have been good in the house the past 2 days. However today I learned that my mom got positive for covid and my brother seems to have gotten a fever and my dad too. I'm genuinely super worried for them and I just really hope nothing gets too serious. I'm also worried because tomorrow my step-mom and I are supposed to go get tested but I'm scared of getting a positive result. I had asthma when I was little so I'm scared that the virus will bring that issue back again. I'm also scared of having given it to someone and spreading it. I dont want that. I was also supposed to go to my mom's house this weekend to rebalance my head after my dad and step-mom and I's fight but now that wont be possible. I'm the one doing the most around my dad and step-mom's house now because they told me to collaborate more in the house but I'm also having to take care of my dad and Lema and the kids and I'm just so worried about everything.

I dont know what to do.

Fuck. I keep thinking of it as a mistake. Why? I mean I was comfortable with it, but fuck why is my brain doing this? Don't self-sabotage right now. Please.

I have this feeling that me leaving would be best for everyone.

Fuck I really hate my birthday

Also someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years and I didn't know how to respond because I feel like I would be surprised if I was still alive in 5 years

I want to be in a secluded island with a tiny home and a garden and I dont have to pay bills and I dont have to interact with anyone and I could just be happy and free

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