Pride 2026 - Sex/Sexuality
Dana and I have been dating for 3 weeks. I've been the perfect gentleman. First date, let her friends do the photo thing, even though I know they've searched up my socials. Offered to pay, didn't insist on it. Drove her home, did the awkward "well, this was nice" thing before we both realised it was kiss worthy.
We've been on discord, WhatsApp, she even likes Facebook for some reason, never pushing things too far. It's good to have boundaries.
She suggested a museum, I suggested a gallery. We did it as a double date. Then she got tired, so I got her drive-through McDonalds on the way home - her request.
And now, I feel it. I feel it in my motherfucking waters. She's going to come over and we are going to break my motherfucking mattress. She asked for me to make it the most romantic I could. I got out an old cookbook from when I left home and this pork roast is perfect. Crackling sucks, but it's my first try. I made a full roast, with the gravy and everything. Candles.
A tablecloth. Look, if this isn't romantic, I don't know what is. A nice dress shirt, one of my softer colognes - because the ladies are sometimes sensitive to the strong ones - I even washed my balls.
It's cringe as fuck to say "she's the one". That is a one way trip to cuck town. But honestly? She is the one. She watched the game with me the other night. Understood the rules, seemed invested without being a try hard. A fucking gold tier lady. I am *in*.
That's the doorbell. Wish me luck.
"Hey! Oh wow that dress looks amazing on you."
"Oh, you like it? Th... oh wow, You really went all out!"
"Well, you said romantic. I thought, why mess with the classics?"
She's wearing a red dress.It looks... look, I don't know what velvet is, but it looks like what I think velvet looks like. That lipstick, let me tell you, Class. Act. Enough to make it obvious she's wearing it, not so much she looks like she's in Fifty Shades. Did you see that movie? I got dragged to it and it was the worst shit I've ever seen.
"Did you want to have dinner now, or ..."
"Oh, I'm famished. It smells so good!"
Damn, Mum. Why didn't I learn to cook before? I think there's a podcast in this. Cooking for alpha males. Be the master of your entire house. Bow ya shits, and behold this pork roast that I paid for and prepared, all so my girlfriend would cream her panties over how much of an absolute get I am.
"Would you like me to carve it for you or-"
"Oh no, I know how hungry I am."
Laughter. Good. Laughter means happiness. Happiness means legs open. That pussy is so mine I can taste it. Maybe I will.
Geez, she's hungry. Loading up on... everything. Pork, potatoes, I read apple sauce was a good side and she's getting that too. Small talk, small talk, yes he sounds like a real dick, your manager. Me? Oh, you know, keeping busy. Don't mention you didn't get the promotion. That lowers your value. It's in all the books.
Wait, she's complimenting my cooking.
"Yeah, I thought I'd splurge for the pink salt. Thought it would go with the pork." Who the fuck knew pork isn't even pink? It comes from pigs.
"Yeah, I don't know if it does taste any different, but I think it does. Is that rosemary?"
"Uh, yeah. How my mum taught me to make it." And by that I meant she gave me a cookbook whose first recipe is how to make fruit juice and told me to learn to take care of myself. I tell you, whether it's a spitroast over a campfire or a 4 burner in the city; Chicks. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Your. Mother.
They want a fully reliable man who can handle everything, and then they can get back to, I dunno, doing their nails and playing Barbie Princess Adventures 2 on the Nintendo. Because of course she has a Nintendo.
Small talk, small talk. Oh shit. Which painter was that? Fuck, I can't remember.
"Was he the one who painted all those bridges?"
"No, he did that sunset one you liked."
Sunset one? What... oh wait yeah. Most of them looked like watercolours, but there were a few that weren't bad. And I read the little plaques. Every. Fucking. One? Oil paint. Bob Ross used oil paint. That's all I know about oil paint. But it looks better than fucking watercolours. Like you pissed on the paper and called it art.
"So uh..." She's pouring another glass of wine. Don't get too drunk, babe. Then it's rape and I don't wanna go to prison after I spent 3 hours getting confused at potato varieties. "I... have something I need to tell you."
She's gay. Has to be. She has a serious face. Greek poetry snuffing dyke. Pussy licking, armpit sniffing, strap-on scissor sister. I can feel it coming. All towers alert the Hindenburg, it's Led Zeppelin 1 all over again. Communication Breakdown.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"You're breaking up with me?"
She's married. He's a Lebanese stockbroker with 5 very tough friends. She's pregnant. He's a convict named Nails who went to prison for armed robbery, and he has a domino that he sucks habitually. She... she's a man. She had one of those operations to cut your dicks off and is injecting eggs into her ass or whatever they do to feminise you.
Yeah you are. You think I bought applesauce for an uggo? Of course you're ace. Nod. Shes looking at you.
I'm pretty ace sexual myself. I do this thing where I run my teeth over their nipples, not biting just pressure. They. Fucking. Love. It. Every time. Even Candy. And she mostly liked just being tied up.
"Yeah, cool. I didn't want to say anything,but I think you're pretty ace."
Laughter. Good. This is good. I have no idea what this conversation is. But she is laughing, she liked my cooking and she said the word sex. We are on the train. Next stop, bedroom.
A-sexual? I am a sexual. Does she mean like F, D, C, B Grade A-Sexual? No, that's the same thing. Help me out here.
"You don't understand, do you?"
"I mean, yeah. Asexual. Totally. Love that for you." Drink wine. Maybe that'll help.
"You like sex with girls, right?"
Do I! It's like the best thing ever. When they're tight and you rub up their insides, and then you find their G-Spot and then just collapse on you, so you have to hold them because otherwise they'll melt right off your boner, but if you keep them there you can get second wood and then g-
"And those girls like sex with guys? And gay guys like sex with guys and lesbians like sex with girls?"
I never found lesbians all that hot. Like yeah, two girls, but they're two girls who don't want me. How's that sexy?
"Well, I don't like sex with anyone."
Wh...what? With anyone? What's that thing the computers say? Not Responding.
Yeah. Circle go round and round. Let me process this. Not. Ok, I have that. Like. Yep, makes sense. Sex. Well, Shaana was a horrible lay so... OK, that I can get that. Anyone?
Nope. That doesn't make sense! Sex is what we're made for. Dick goes in pussy. I don't understand biology, but I understand that. Is it a... did she have a bad boyfriend? Oh shit, she's looking at me. Need to say something.
"Anyone?" Noncommittal. Asks for clarification. Not rude. A+. A+Sexual.
"It's just not fun for me." She's pausing. "It's like that game you were saying Baron played. The one with the high schools and the superpowers "
She remembered that? She listens to me? Wow. Yeah, that game sounds stupid. Who wants to play 100 hours of dating mixed up with selecting menus? She's having another drink.
"Well, imagine that game is sex. Baron is you, and you are... well, me. He likes it, but you can't figure out why. But that's ok, because you still play soccer on Thursdays."
"But... if you don't like sex ... why..."
"Why see you? Because you're adorable?" Adorable? What the f- "You don't understand so many things, but you actually try. 95% of men don't. Think about it. You're better than 95% of men."
"Sure! You don't get art, but you were able to pick up things like art styles and brushstrokes. You learned to cook! You bought candles and a tablecloth!"
"The price tag is still on it."
"You idiots talk about value adding and looksmaxxing and negging, when honestly. The bar is so fucking low, all you have to do is put in a little effort and you are immediately in the top percentile."
"But you... don't... want to have sex..."
I am unsure of where this is going. This sounds positive. I need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR about this.
"No, but I want like Wednesday night. You watching the football, me reading a book.and spending time with your adorable face."
Adorable. Computer look up adorable. It means cute. I am not cute. I go gym. Pump iron. Grr. Get muscle. But... she... likes me? How adorable when gym... Not responding.
She's walking over to me.
"It's you. I want to be serious with you."
She kisses me. That I understand. Kisses are good. But ... she ...
"But you don't like sex?"
"And you want to be serious... with me?"
I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW. PLEASE HELP ME MAKE SENSE OF THIS CONFUSING SITUATION.
Leaning on the table. Fuck she's gorgeous. All those legs and she just wants to be with me? No-one else?
"But we don't have to have sex."
"But we just... hang out."
She nods. This... this sounds kind of awesome. Like a best friend. Who is a girl. Who you do girlfriend things with. But doesn't beg you for sex when you don't... oh shit.
"I...oh... is... would you mind if I ... you know?" I'm gesturing to my penis. She's smiling.
"Of course, dummy. I'm the asexual one. Not you."
"And you don't mind if I think about you when I do it?"
"If we're dating, I'd rather you would."
Always! Al Pacino. Devils Advocate. Keanu Reeves wants to bang his sister. Great movie. Wait, no. This is important. Pretty girl. Wants to date. Focus.
"No, I just... I was hoping we'd sleep together tonight. You know..."
"Oh, that'll happen." She's touching my cheek. This is condescending but I don't care. "I want to be little spoon."
I CAN DO THAT. I WAS BORN TO BE BIG SPOON. I CREATED FIRE AND BUILT THE EIFFEL TOWER FROM STEEL AND BRAWN. You will be the safest little spoon in the world. I will protect you, my love.
"Thanks for understanding."
Barely, but I got there. Asexual and ace sexual. Let's go with that.
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