Today marks three years since I came out as Transgender. Growing up, all I wanted was to be the person I felt I was on the inside.. but the outside was this beautiful girl that everyone felt was so happy. I was never happy. As a child I was one of the rougher looking kids who played in dirt, road bikes in the mud and up ramps, skateboarded, played all the boy sports and tried to fit in with the boys. I remember always playing and asking to get the boy Barbies it Bratz dolls. None of that ever seemed to phase anyone though. Growing up into my late teenage years was rough. Technology was more involved and I became involved with Catfishing people through the internet and disguising myself as a guy. As I was doing that I was also trying to live my life as a girl. What I felt like I should be doing. I was living a double life. One life through my cell phone and computer, and another in the real world. I tried to date guys. I tried to wear dresses, tight shirts, I tried to make my boobs look good and to make myself feel pretty... I tried to get my nails done and enjoy doing hair.. I even always did my makeup. But one day I said fuck it and I dropped my “second life” and I finally began just experimenting with clothes and dressing more masculine. Then through my beginning years of college I met more and more people who opened my eyes up to new things. I had quite a bit of friends in the beginning of my college experience. I was likeable and I always wanted everyone to be friends with the people who I knew. So I was always networking through people and keeping myself busy. Was I happy with my own body and skin? No. Did I tell people? Lol no. I wasn’t even sure how I could even ever be a man, especially since my body is just a woman.. I felt that everything about me screamed woman. My body, my voice, my posture, my walk. So I began to feel myself more - dress different, buy clothes in the men sections, wear hats, I wore less make up but did it differently and made it look me, I wore cologne and used men body products, and I even began to change my walk.. and the way I spoke. I tried to be more myself instead of living my life for other people’s comfort. I just wanted to be more comfortable with who I was. Once I did that... I finally felt okay but I still felt awkward and out of place still. I had lots of girls who liked me and I was about it. I love any type of attention (just like any other person in the world) and that attention at the time just made me feel more and more confident and it built up my ego. After some time passed by, I finally was with the girl of my dreams. Still not truly understanding my own body or head (I felt there wasn’t any answers to that and I just had to live the way I was living). I was head over heels for this girl and she was finally mine and actually wanted to be with me and it felt so right. She made all my worries go away. She truly made me so happy. After some countless headaches with finding who I was, cutting off my hair was something I felt I should do considering it was alwayssss something I hated... my girlfriend did the honor and I had her unconditional love and support all by my side. I did it. My hair was off and I did not know how to feel about it, at all... I felt like once I would chop off this hair omg all my wishes will come true haha and well no I looked in the mirror and I saw how skinny my face looked, how womanly I was, how pale and how weird my hairline was and how I would never be fit or strong looking... how I would never be this peels on I want to be, who I want to be for myself and for the woman I’m so in love with. I always took my anger out in the wrong ways because I was just so frustrated with myself and how I didn’t know what I wanted or how to be what I wanted. Through time I did it, I came out... with countless talks with my old-ex-friend. They helped me. They were transgender themselves. Most definitely did not come out in a positive way though... I came out at a transgender LGBTQ meeting that my ex-friend was apart of. I don’t know why I came out there.
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
vaporwave
prguitarman
