Couples Institute Counseling

Specialized counseling services for couples and individuals throughout the San Francisco Bay Area.  

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Am I in a Relationship with a Narcissist?

Selfies galore and seeking affirmation via social media, it seems the whole world is suffering from narcissistic behavior. However, being self-motivated, self-focused or even putting yourself first doesn’t make you a narcissist.

Narcissism is a very particular set of traits that create the definable personality disorder. For people who are in relationships with a narcissist (be it a spouse, parent or even child) life can be incredibly confusing.

The narcissistic personality seeks out a particular type of partner (or victim we could say in some cases) with or without cognitive awareness. They are looking for an empathetic personality who they can manipulate via their bleeding heart-save-the-world style of tackling problems. Co-dependents and Borderline personalities make great targets for the narcissist who needs constant affirmation.

For those in a relationship with a narcissist they will experience things such as gaslighting (minimizing of personal experience or perception of events), a sense of lack of trust (or being misled), walking on eggshells (or a fear of speaking their truth). These along with other psychological types of abuse can lead to a sense of depression, confusion, anxiety and hopelessness.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a clinical psychologist who specializes in narcissism, and her work and research have been widely published. In her latest book Should I Stay or Should I Go, she explains that the personality of the narcissist will not change. While there is limited long term research on the disorder, there is enough research to show that these habits are hard to break. In spite of this, many people will stay in these types of relationships (children, finances, etc.) and hold hope that they will be able to behave in such a way that their partner will change. The receiver in these types of relationships often believes they can fix the person they are with, or fears if they leave the relationship the person will suddenly improve and be accountable, trustworthy and loving with their next partner.

Not all narcissists are obvious, as some operate covertly. This can be especially difficult for those in a toxic relationship because it often appears to family and friends that the narcissist is loving, kind partner. Narcissists are good at showing the world how great they are (or treat their partner) which is simply not the case behind closed doors. These sorts of showy things, like gifts and surprise birthday parties can give the spouse a sense that they are loved and create more confusion as to why they feel so awful in the relationship the rest of the time. Narcissists are also excellent at removing their victim from other relationships so that they have limited support outside of the relationship.

A very particular pattern of behavior ensues in these relationships, love-bombing (showering with affection and often over the top I love you’s and I need you’s), devaluing (without me you would have nothing) and discarding (disappearing on a guy’s trip, outright ignoring, silent treatment). The cycle continues again and again, during love-bombing phase clients will often think, we’re good right now, we don’t need therapy… until the victim is “back on the shelf” and then the negative part of the cycle begins.

Despite how they come across, narcissists are actually very insecure, and need constant reinforcement from their partner, which can be exhausting.

If you realize you or your partner may struggle with some of these traits or behaviors, reach out to us we can help.

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Rebuilding Trust: What Both Partners Need to Understand

When trust is broken in a relationship, both people play a role in rebuilding it. But they play very different roles—and when those roles aren’t clear, couples get stuck.

For the person who broke the trust

Rebuilding trust starts with transparency—complete and ongoing transparency. Not selectively sharing, not “when it’s convenient,” but a consistent openness that allows your partner to feel grounded again.

Second, you need to manage your own shame and guilt. When your partner brings up the hurt, it’s common to feel overwhelmed, defensive, or ashamed. But if those emotions take over, you may shut down, minimize, or dismiss—recreating the very disconnection you’re trying to repair.

Third, understand this:

When your partner brings it up, it does not mean you’re going backwards.

It often feels that way. But when the conversation is handled productively, each time the topic is revisited, it’s actually an opportunity for healing and repair.

Finally, consistency is everything.

You don’t earn trust through intention—you earn it through repeated, consistent behavior over time.

And even then, trust won’t return immediately. Your partner needs to see that the change is real before they can begin to feel safe again.

For the person whose trust was broken

Your role is just as important.

First, it’s essential to distinguish between anger and rage.

Rage wants to punish—to make the other person feel the depth of your pain.

Anger can be constructive, especially when you can identify what’s underneath it:

hurt

betrayal

humiliation

Sharing that deeper impact allows your partner to actually understand what this has meant for you.

Second, don’t hold it in.

It can be tempting to suppress your feelings—to avoid being a burden or appearing weak. But when you do that, you end up carrying the healing process alone.

Bringing it up gives your partner the opportunity to show up differently.

Third, timing still matters.

Even though you were hurt, if your goal is to be heard and have a productive conversation, basic boundaries still apply. If your partner is exhausted, distracted, or unavailable, the conversation is less likely to go well.

Finally, be curious, not accusatory.

If something doesn’t add up, ask:

“Help me understand this…”

Instead of jumping to conclusions.

The bottom line

Rebuilding trust isn’t about one person “fixing” what happened.

Its  about two people learning how to:

stay present

communicate differently

and show up consistently over time

That’s what allows trust to slowly, but genuinely, be restored.

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The Hidden Problem in Your Arguments: Confusing Subjective and Objective Truth

One of the biggest reasons couples get stuck in conflict is this:

They treat subjective experience as if it were objective truth.

Objective truth is factual. It’s observable. It can be verified.

Examples:

“You got home at 7:30.”

“We had this conversation yesterday.”

Subjective truth, on the other hand, is personal.

It’s your:

feelings

interpretations

meanings

Examples:

“I felt ignored when you came home and didn’t greet me.”

“It felt like I didn’t matter in that moment.”

Here’s where couples get into trouble.

One partner shares something subjective:

“I felt hurt.”

And the other responds as if it’s an objective claim:

“That’s not true.” “I didn’t ignore you.” “You’re overreacting.”

Now the conversation shifts.

Instead of understanding the experience, it becomes: debating reality

This creates a loop:

One person tries to express how something felt

The other tries to prove what actually happened

Both feel misunderstood

And nothing gets resolved.

Because here’s the truth:

A couple can have two different subjective experiences at the same time, and each are valid.

When couples don’t recognize this, they end up:

invalidating each other

defending themselves

escalating the conflict

Or shutting down altogether.

But when you understand this, everything changes.

Instead of:

“That’s not what happened.”

You can say:

“That wasn’t my intention—but I can see how it felt that way for you.”

Now: you’re not agreeing with a distorted fact you’re making room for your partner’s experience

And that’s the shift.

Because connection isn’t built by proving who’s right.

It’s built by making space for how each person experiences the same moment differently

When couples learn to separate:

what happened from

how it was experienced

They stop arguing about reality…

…and start understanding each other.

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Why Your Conversations Go Nowhere (and What It’s Costing Your Relationship)

When couples hit a disagreement, most don’t realize they’re falling into one of two predictable patterns.

The first is: “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

In this mode, the goal becomes winning. You might:

invalidate your partner’s feelings

dismiss their perspective

minimize what they’re saying

poke holes in their logic

It can feel justified in the moment—after all, you believe you’re right. But the cost is high.

There’s no real room for your partner.

And when someone doesn’t feel seen or understood, they don’t move closer—they pull away.

The second pattern is the opposite: “I’ll just go along.”

Here, the goal is to avoid conflict. You might:

stay quiet

agree when you don’t actually agree

soften or abandon your truth

tell yourself, “It’s not worth it”

This can look like peace on the surface. But underneath, something else is happening.

There’s no real room for you.

Over time, that leads to resentment, disconnection, and a quiet sense of losing yourself in the relationship.

Here’s the problem: neither pattern actually resolves anything.

When couples try to talk through a difference using either of these approaches, the conversation eventually goes off the rails—or off the table entirely.

The issue:

doesn’t get fully expressed

doesn’t get fully heard

doesn’t go anywhere

So it lingers.

And over time, those unresolved moments start to stack up.

This is when couples begin to say things like:

“We feel stuck.”

“We’re just going through the motions.”

“We’re good parents, we run the house… but we feel like roommates.”

Because the truth is:

Healthy relationships are built on the ability to hold two perspectives at the same time:

yours

and your partner’s

Without collapsing into one or overpowering the other.

If your conversations keep going nowhere, it’s not because the topic is too big.

It’s because the approach isn’t making room for both people.

And that’s where real change begins.

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Brain Differences and Relationships Series – Part 1: ADHD

Autism and ADHD have both been noted in the popular press for increases in prevalence over the last number of decades. If you have read about these increases in reputable sources, you will know that the numbers have gone up primarily through more awareness, destigmatization, and changes in diagnostic criteria, rather than environmental causes such as the thoroughly-debunked vaccination theory. However, given that autism especially has been getting increased attention, and ADHD is often misunderstood, I thought it would be helpful to clarify both conditions and their interrelationships. I will be drawing on my experience and study as a neuropsychologist and therapist, having worked with many people on these spectrums.

ADHD and autism are simultaneously over- and under-diagnosed in the general population. While there are lots of reasons, I’ll just offer a couple of examples. One example of overdiagnosis for ADHD is that boys who are the youngest in their school class tend to be over-diagnosed. Being younger, they are less mature than their cohort and in contrast can appear to display ADHD symptoms such as impulsiveness, higher levels of physical activity, and low emotional control. Women and girls tend to be underdiagnosed for both disorders because they exhibit different symptoms, frequently less overt. Similarly, underserved groups tend to be underdiagnosed, although they have gotten more attention in recent years, which also accounts for some of the increase in prevalence numbers.

A common factor in both autism and ADHD, and the primary factor in ADHD, is executive function. Executive function (abbreviated EF) is a somewhat variably defined set of processes that–as the title implies–tend to organize and control a variety of other brain activities. A common analogy is that EF is to the brain as a conductor is to an orchestra.

Some of the core functions that are almost always included in EF are things like impulse control, emotional control, working memory, cognitive flexibility, and the abilities to organize, plan, self-monitor, sustain attention, prioritize and initiate.

ADHD

Let’s start with ADHD, since the current estimated prevalence in both children and adults is somewhere around 3x that of autism. First of all, as many have noted, the “attention deficit” label is very misleading. While it seems to address the fact that ADHD-ers can have trouble sustaining attention for routine or uninteresting tasks, it overlooks the opposite fact that they can often “hyperfocus” on things that engage them, often to the point that it is hard for them to shift away! This would seem paradoxically to be a kind of attention surplus. However it is more likely a kind of cognitive inflexibility. Shifting actually involves two steps: first disengaging from the current object, in order to then be able to turn one’s focus to something else.

Given that most ADHD-ers have challenges with many or all of the elements of EF, it probably would be better termed an executive function disorder or deficit. However, it’s important to keep in mind that different individuals will have differing profiles of strengths and weaknesses in any of those areas. For example, working memory tends to be weak in almost all ADHD-ers, but some may be better or worse at planning, some better or worse at initiating, etc.

More recently in the ADHD and autism communities these characteristics are described as “neurodivergent,” emphasizing that all brains are different, and differences don’t need to be viewed as pathological. One way that challenges arise is that much of “developed” society has emphasized domains such as academic and corporate structures with a high demand for executive functions. Accordingly these environments have not provided an easy home for persons with ADHD and autism.

There are arguments that ADHD, particularly, may have been adaptive in hunter-gatherer societies where sensitivity to inputs such as detection of predators would be a virtue for the group. Although EF differences can leave people vulnerable to being either under- or over-stimulated, tech culture can provide high enough sensory and cognitive stimulation to be helpful, while being bounded in certain ways that make it tolerable. For instance, video games or coding can be very engaging, yet relatively predictable and confined to a screen. Tech culture also offers more relaxed social conventions which can provide a more comfortable environment for both ADHD-ers and autistic folks.

Other potential ADHD strengths as identified by Edward Hallowell, MD include: creativity, curiosity, tenacity, high energy, an entrepreneurial spirit, spontaneity, and an infectious sense of humor.

Executive functions regulate or modulate other brain activities. The primary brain areas associated with EF are the prefrontal lobes which are mostly thought of as exerting inhibitory influence on other brain areas. By the same token, executive functions mostly involve some aspects of inhibition: either stopping or slowing other processes.

For instance, impulse control requires pausing or slowing down in response to an urge. The skill of prioritizing requires dampening the salience of some things in order to make others more prominent. In order to have flexible, available, attention, one has to disengage (inhibit) attention from the current focus to be able to shift to something else.

Many ADHD-ers can have the experience of too many thoughts at once, or their thoughts going too fast, which is another form of not being able to modulate or inhibit. And in a similar vein, distraction, broadly speaking, is a function of not being able to inhibit—or filter out—irrelevant stimuli, whether those be thoughts or sensory inputs.

Research has well established that in people with ADHD, those prefrontal brain areas are paradoxically under-stimulated, which diminishes their ability to exert their inhibitory influences. It’s counter-intuitive that stimulation would lead to inhibition, but that’s why stimulant medications such as Ritalin are helpful for ADHD folks. Those medications increase prefrontal activation, which in turn allows for more EF modulation of other brain areas. It also explains why background music, movement, fidgeting, etc., for example, can be helpful, as they are also stimulating.

The current diagnosis of ADHD is roughly divided into primarily inattentive or primarily hyperactive. Somewhere between 50% to 80% of children have some hyperactivity. While it was thought that many of them grow out of it, it is now estimated that only about 10% may grow out of it completely. The rest have at least some residual above-average activity levels. A better way to understand this elevated level of movement is as a kind of “self-medication,” by way of stimulation. But while hyperactivity is often thought of as emblematic of ADHD, it is only one—relatively minor—characteristic, relative to EF.

Understanding ADHD through the lens of executive functioning—and within a broader neurodiversity framework—helps move us beyond simplistic or stigmatizing narratives toward a more accurate, humane picture of how different brains operate in different contexts. ADHD is not merely about attention, nor is it best understood solely in terms of deficits; it reflects a distinct cognitive profile shaped by differences in inhibition, regulation, and stimulation, with real challenges but also meaningful strengths. By clarifying these dynamics, we can better support individuals, partners, families, and systems in creating environments that fit a wider range of minds. In the next part of this blog series, I’ll turn to autism, taking a closer look at its core features, how it overlaps with ADHD, and where it meaningfully differs.

If some of what you have read sounds familiar and you want help navigating these differences, reach out – we can help!

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Money, finances, budgeting… oh my!

These are some of the most common sources of tension in relationships—but they don’t have to be. For couples, managing finances together is about more than numbers. It’s about communication, trust, shared meaning, and alignment. And even before that, it’s about understanding your relationship with money and your partner’s relationship with money.

We all grow up in environments that shape our beliefs, values, and emotions around money. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is assuming that because they share similar financial goals, they will naturally navigate the path to those goals with ease. But that’s rarely true. Each partner has their own financial “culture”—the unique blend of history, habits, emotions, and expectations they bring into adulthood. That culture affects everything from spending decisions to triggers to how each person communicates about money.

When couples come in feeling stuck around finances, one of the first places we explore is their early money stories and personal beliefs. Most partners have talked about big-picture goals, but they haven’t had deeper conversations about the values, emotions, and experiences that shape how they relate to money. That’s often where the tension—and eventually the growth—begins. When couples slow down and understand the roots of their discomfort or conflict, they can start navigating financial decisions with less reactivity and more collaboration.

If you feel stuck with your partner around financial decisions or goals, take a step back and reflect on your own money culture. Then share what you discover with each other. Each person’s financial culture affects not only their goals and how they want to reach them, but also their communication style, their stress points, and how they handle financial uncertainty. This is why couples must understand one another’s financial culture before jumping into negotiation or problem-solving.

Below are some guiding questions to help you explore your personal financial culture. Consider reflecting individually first, then sharing with your partner.

Family and Money 

What are my earliest memories of money? These early experiences often shape your beliefs about earning, saving, spending, or security. What messages did you absorb—spoken or unspoken?

How did my family handle money? Was money openly discussed or kept private?  Did your family budget carefully, spend freely, or live paycheck-to-paycheck?  Were there secrets, surprises, or shame around spending?  These dynamics often show up in adult relationships without us realizing it.

What were the financial roles in my household? Did one person control the finances? Was it shared?  Were gender roles, power dynamics, or personalities part of the equation?  Understanding these patterns can reveal scripts you may unconsciously repeat—or rebel against.

What were my family’s financial values? Were you taught to save at all costs? Enjoy life? Avoid debt? Fear debt?  Did different family members model different values?  These messages often shape your sense of financial success and security today.

Did my family experience financial stress or abundance? Financial hardship can create anxiety or hypervigilance.  Financial abundance may create confidence—or avoidance.  Either way, early emotional experiences around money tend to follow us into adulthood.

How did money affect family relationships? Were there arguments or resentment?  Did money bring people together—or drive them apart?  These patterns often influence how you handle conflict or collaboration around money now.

Personal Experiences and Money 

Your financial identity isn’t shaped only by your family of origin. Your life experiences—career, relationships, successes, failures—also play a role. Consider these questions:

How does money make me feel? Empowered? Anxious? Indifferent?  Our emotional response often drives our behaviors, whether we avoid conversations, overspend, or save excessively.

What are my financial goals? Do you prioritize security, freedom, stability, adventure, or wealth-building?  Understanding your “why” helps clarify your “how.”

Do I tend to spend or save more? Are you reward-focused or future-focused?  This awareness helps couples balance enjoyment today with planning for tomorrow.

What role does money play in my relationships? Do you communicate openly, or do you avoid conflict?  Does money create connection or tension?  Understanding this helps clarify relational patterns.

Am I comfortable discussing money? Do certain topics trigger anxiety or frustration?  Are there financial questions or scenarios that make you feel more on edge?  Your comfort level often reflects how much control or clarity you feel.

How flexible am I in my beliefs about money? Do you believe your way is the “right” way?  Are you open to the idea that multiple paths can lead to the same financial outcome?  Flexibility is a major predictor of successful financial teamwork.

By exploring these questions, you can begin to understand the beliefs and behaviors you inherited, as well as the patterns you developed on your own. Recognizing these influences allows you to make more conscious choices about how you manage money—and how you show up in financial conversations with your partner.

When couples take time to understand each other’s values, histories, and triggers, communication around money becomes easier, less reactive, and far more collaborative.  If you need help navigating these questions or financial tension in your relationship, reach out – we can help! 

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Am I in a Relationship with a Narcissist?

Selfies galore and seeking affirmation via social media, it seems the whole world is suffering from narcissistic behavior. However, being self-motivated, self-focused or even putting yourself first doesn’t make you a narcissist.

Narcissism is a very particular set of traits that create the definable personality disorder. For people who are in relationships with a narcissist (be it a spouse, parent or even child) life can be incredibly confusing.

The narcissistic personality seeks out a particular type of partner (or victim we could say in some cases) with or without cognitive awareness. They are looking for an empathetic personality who they can manipulate via their bleeding heart-save-the-world style of tackling problems. Co-dependents and Borderline personalities make great targets for the narcissist who needs constant affirmation.

For those in a relationship with a narcissist they will experience things such as gaslighting (minimizing of personal experience or perception of events), a sense of lack of trust (or being misled), walking on eggshells (or a fear of speaking their truth). These along with other psychological types of abuse can lead to a sense of depression, confusion, anxiety and hopelessness.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a clinical psychologist who specializes in narcissism, and her work and research have been widely published. In her latest book Should I Stay or Should I Go, she explains that the personality of the narcissist will not change. While there is limited long term research on the disorder, there is enough research to show that these habits are hard to break. In spite of this, many people will stay in these types of relationships (children, finances, etc.) and hold hope that they will be able to behave in such a way that their partner will change. The receiver in these types of relationships often believes they can fix the person they are with, or fears if they leave the relationship the person will suddenly improve and be accountable, trustworthy and loving with their next partner.

Not all narcissists are obvious, as some operate covertly. This can be especially difficult for those in a toxic relationship because it often appears to family and friends that the narcissist is loving, kind partner. Narcissists are good at showing the world how great they are (or treat their partner) which is simply not the case behind closed doors. These sorts of showy things, like gifts and surprise birthday parties can give the spouse a sense that they are loved and create more confusion as to why they feel so awful in the relationship the rest of the time. Narcissists are also excellent at removing their victim from other relationships so that they have limited support outside of the relationship.

A very particular pattern of behavior ensues in these relationships, love-bombing (showering with affection and often over the top I love you’s and I need you’s), devaluing (without me you would have nothing) and discarding (disappearing on a guy’s trip, outright ignoring, silent treatment). The cycle continues again and again, during love-bombing phase clients will often think, we’re good right now, we don’t need therapy… until the victim is “back on the shelf” and then the negative part of the cycle begins.

Despite how they come across, narcissists are actually very insecure, and need constant reinforcement from their partner, which can be exhausting.

If you realize you or your partner may struggle with some of these traits or behaviors, reach out to us we can help.

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Part 3: Money, Finances, Budgets…oh my!

Strengthening Your Financial Partnership — Systems, Agreements & Repair

Once couples build a foundation of shared meaning and teamwork, the next step is putting systems in place that support clarity, trust, and connection.

Here are the next six practices that help couples continue building a strong financial partnership.

1. Use Roles and Systems That Fit Each Partner’s Strengths

“Fair” doesn’t always mean 50/50. Healthy partnerships honor each person’s strengths and bandwidth.

Some couples naturally divide tasks—one handles day-to-day bills while the other oversees long-term planning. Others rotate responsibilities. There’s no single “correct” structure.

Examples:

One partner tracks monthly expenses; the other manages savings and investments.

One handles day-to-day budgeting; the other handles taxes or record-keeping.

Both participate in major decisions.

Remember: The key is clarity, transparency, and mutual agreement. These systems aren’t permanent—you can adjust them anytime your needs or rhythms change

2. Agree on “Money Rules” That Protect the Relationship

Think of these as shared financial boundaries—not restrictions, but agreements that make both partners feel safe.

Examples:

Purchases over $200 require a conversation.

Each partner gets monthly personal spending money—no questions asked.

If either partner feels financially stressed, you pause and talk.

Major financial changes happen only after discussion.

These shared rules reduce anxiety, resentment, surprises and prevent avoidable misunderstandings.

3. Build a Shared Vision: Short-, Medium-, and Long-Term Goals

Couples feel more united when they are working toward something together.

Try organizing goals into three buckets:

Short-term (0–12 months): Vacations, home projects, holiday spending, paying down small debt.

Medium-term (1–5 years): Emergency fund, car purchase, education savings, career shifts.

Long-term (5+ years): Retirement, financial independence, legacy goals.

Writing these down and revisiting them helps keep both partners aligned and motivated.

4. Navigate Differences with Curiosity, Not Judgment

Differences are normal, including money differences. They’re not a sign something is wrong—they’re a sign that two people with two different histories are building a life together.  What matters is how you talk about them.

 When tension rises, try asking:

“What is this bringing up for you?”

“What fear or value is underneath this?”

“How can we meet both of our needs?”

“What would a compromise look like?”

Curiosity softens conflict and makes space for connection; it keeps the conversation from slipping into blame and helps you as you problem-solve.

5. Normalize Imperfection and Practice Repair

Every couple stumbles around money —overspending, forgetting deadlines, acting impulsively, misunderstanding each other’s intentions. Mistakes don’t define the relationship. Repair does.

Repair might sound like:

“I see why that upset you. Let’s solve it together.”

“I didn’t realize that triggered you—thank you for sharing.”

“Let’s reset. What do we each need?”

Repair builds trust, resilience, and connection.

6. Celebrate Wins—Even the Small Ones

Celebration is often overlooked, but it matters — don’t underestimate how powerful it is to acknowledge what’s going well.

Celebrate when you:

Stick to an agreement

Hit a savings goal

Reduce a debt

Have a calm, productive money talk

Navigate a tough decision as a team

Celebrations reinforce teamwork and create positive momentum.

Putting It All Together

Building a financial partnership is an ongoing, evolving process. It’s not about eliminating conflict but creating a compassionate, collaborative way to move through it. When couples understand each other’s financial cultures, create shared systems and agreements, practice curiosity, and communicate openly, money becomes less of a battleground and more of an opportunity for connection. Conflicts become more manageable. Goals feel realistic. And the relationship becomes grounded in teamwork rather than tension.

Remember:

Money will always carry emotion—but it can also become one of the most powerful places to strengthen trust, deepen connection, and create a shared vision for the future. If you need more support navigating finances in your relationship, reach out…we can help. 

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Trauma Triggers: It’s Not You It’s Your Brain

This article gives a brief overview of trauma responses and ways to reduce and manage these responses to improve overall well-being and support recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex PTSD (CPTSD).

If you or someone you love has experienced a traumatic event, this article is for you.

What triggers trauma?

“The past affects the present even without our being aware of it.” 

― Francine Shapiro

Our brains are constantly making associations outside of our awareness. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. If we do not associate danger with the lion’s den, what’s to stop us from walking in? These neural associations create an automatic response to the world around us to help keep us safe. However, now that our world has fewer run-ins with lions, tigers, and bears, it doesn’t mean that our neural hardwiring has changed. For example, when I say, “Roses are Red” your following thought will most likely be, “Violets are Blue ”. Though this nursery rhyme doesn’t hold any value to our survival, it exemplifies the power of the mind to have automatic responses to external “triggers”.

External triggers to trauma can be much harder to identify than the next line of an innocent nursery rhyme. When we are exposed to a traumatic event, the event and its sensory details are stored in the memory and emotional center of our brain. The stored details of trauma can come in many forms; smells, sounds, places, objects, situations, emotional states, etc. Therefore, a combat veteran may become triggered when watching a movie depicting war. That same vet might also experience more ambiguous triggers of sitting in a restaurant with their back facing the front door or the smell of a campfire. One trigger can be a very clear association with the traumatic event, while another can be more covert. 

What are signs that I am triggered?

“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

― Bessel A. van der Kolk

Our brain’s response to triggers is as instantaneous as our legs’ kicking movement response to the reflex test at the doctor’s office. When we are triggered, our brain prioritizes safety and leaves behind anything outside of immediate survival. Our autonomic nervous system kicks into gear releasing hormones and preparing the body to respond to the perceived threat. Bodily changes start to occur, such as increased blood flow to essential organs, dilation of the pupil to allow in more light, and increased oxygen to skeletal muscles, all at a moment’s notice. In this moment, you aren’t choosing how you respond to the threat, your body is choosing for you.

These physiological changes lead to one or more of the following trauma responses: 

1. The Fight Response

The fight response’s goal is to overpower the threat and regain control.

Signs of the fight response may include:

Internal Signs:

Body tightness and tension

Anger

Difficulty thinking/staying calm

Increased Heart Rate

Fast Breathing

 External Signs:

Being Argumentative

Glaring 

Intimidation/bullying

Physical or verbal aggression 

Clenching fists

2. The Flight Response

The flight response ignites when we don’t perceive the threat as a threat we can defeat, making fleeing the best outcome for our survival.

Signs of the flight response may include:

Internal Signs:

Feeling restless or fidgety 

Urges to leave the situation or end the conversation

Fear/Panic

Racing Thoughts

 External Signs:

Constantly moving 

Leaving conversations without clarity

Darting Eyes

Excessive Exercise 

Overscheduling to avoid downtime

3. The Freeze Response

The freeze response often occurs when fighting or fleeing isn’t a viable option for survival. The freeze response serves the purpose of disconnecting from the threatening event to reduce its impact.

Signs of the freeze response may include:

Internal signs:

Feeling numb or cold

Holding your breath

Feeling out of your body or environment 

Physical stiffness

 External Signs:

Difficulty expressing emotion or Monotone

Unable to Speak

Daydreaming or “Spacing Out”

In the more extreme cases, “Flop Response” or body collapsing 

4. The Fawn Response

The Fawn Response occurs when safety is sought after by pleasing and appeasing the perceived threat. This is the trauma response most highly associated with codependency and childhood trauma.

Signs of the fawn response may include:

Internal Signs:

Feeling disconnected from yourself

Struggling to hold boundaries 

Fear of saying no or “letting others down”

Assuming responsibility for other’s emotions

 External Signs:

Being overly helpful

Submission/people-pleasing

Over-apologizing or avoiding conflict 

Difficulty describing wants/needs

What do I do when I am triggered?

“As long as you don’t talk, you can’t deal with your shame… Going within and finding words to express yourself is a very important part of healing from trauma.” –

― Bessel A. van der Kolk

Your response to perceived danger is written into the fabric of your being. All brains are hardwired with the same stress responses to serve our survival. However, those who have survived trauma have an increased likelihood of experiencing one of the above stress responses in day-to-day events. Therefore, from the outside what may look like a common disagreement with your spouse may feel like a tiger approaching you to your body. Additionally, though we all experience the automatic stress response to slam on the breaks when a car suddenly stops in front of us, someone with PTSD may take longer for their body to recover and may continue to feel on edge even after traffic has cleared. 

Though we cannot control the activation of the flight-fight-freeze-fawn response, we can take action to manage it when it arises. Knowing your signs and triggers helps to demystify the response and empowers you to intervene and regain control of your brain’s alarm system.

The following tips are provided to support the reduction of the flight-fight-freeze-fawn response:

1. Breathe

Deep breathing sends signals to the brain that the body is safe. Utilizing meditation, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, and breathwork helps regulate your emotions and central nervous system. If you are new to these practices, start with simple breathing techniques, such as paced breathing: Breathing from your belly- inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and exhale for 7 seconds. Repeat at least three times.

2. Move 

Body movement helps decrease stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. Getting out of the stressful environment and outside for a walk can help clear your mind. Also, having a physical fitness routine helps reduce the build-up of stress hormones over time. Practices such as Yoga and Tai Chi are found to improve the body-mind connection and support recovery after stressful events. 

3. Connect

Human connection creates healing neural connections. Reaching out to trusted support can be an anchor amidst an emotional storm and improve our sense of safety. When our relationship is the trigger, it is essential to communicate our experience and repair the relationship once our brain has returned to homeostasis. Relationships are key to both our survival and our recovery. Taking the time to cultivate trusting relationships is essential for the recovery of stress responses and PTSD. 

Trauma responses can be overwhelming and difficult to identify and manage alone. If you realize you or your partner may struggle with PTSD or CPTSD, reach out to us, we can help.

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Part 4: Money, Finances, Budgets…oh my!

When Money Conversations Get Heated: Practical Ways to Get Unstuck

Even with shared values, clear systems, and good intentions, money conversations can still get overwhelming and heated. Stress rises, old patterns kick in, and suddenly you’re arguing, but it often feels much bigger than a disagreement about a purchase.   This doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.

The goal isn’t to avoid hard money conversations. It’s to know how to slow them down, soften the edges, and stay connected when emotions run high.

Here are a few practical communication strategies to use in the moment when money conversations feel overwhelming, tense, or stuck.

Pause the Content, Focus on the Process

When voices rise or defensiveness creeps in, stop debating. Instead, name what’s happening emotionally.

Try:

“I think we’re getting overwhelmed—can we slow this down?”

“I want to solve this, but I’m feeling flooded right now.”

“Can we take a breath and reset?”

This small shift helps regulate emotions and prevents escalation.

Name the Underlying Need

Money arguments are rarely just about money. They’re often about safety, freedom, control, or trust.

Helpful questions:

“What feels most important to you right now?”

“What are you worried might happen?”

“What do you need from me in this moment?”

Naming the need beneath the disagreement reduces blame and opens space for understanding.

Change the Language

Use both/and language.  When couples feel stuck, it’s often because they’re trapped in either/or thinking.  They lose the teamwork mindset and move into self-protection.  Changing the language can help shift this back and remind you that you’re on the same team.

Instead of:

“We can’t afford that.”

“You’re too restrictive.”

Try:

“I want us to feel secure and enjoy our lives.”

“How can we honor both of our comfort levels?”

Both/and language invites collaboration instead of power struggles.

Take Strategic Breaks (and Come Back)

If emotions stay high, it’s okay to pause—as long as you return to the conversation.

Set a clear plan:

“Let’s take a break and come back to this tomorrow.”

“Can we revisit this during our money meeting?”

Avoiding the topic altogether builds resentment. Pausing with intention builds trust and allows you both time to think about the other person’s perspective.

End with Repair, Not Resolution

When conversations get tense it’s important to remember that you don’t have to solve everything in one conversation. What matters most is how you end it.

Repair might sound like:

“I’m glad we talked, even though it was hard.”

“I appreciate you staying with me in this.”

“We’re on the same team.”

Repair and appreciation restores emotional safety and makes the next conversation easier.

A Final Thought

Money conversations will always carry emotion—but they don’t have to damage connection. With shared understanding, curiosity, and practical communication tools, even heated moments can become opportunities to build trust and strengthen connection.

When couples learn how to pause, listen, repair, and return to the conversation, money shifts from a source of conflict to a place where partnership grows stronger.

And that’s the real goal—not perfect finances, but a relationship that feels safe enough to talk about them, navigate differences, and negotiate disagreements.   If you need more support navigating difficult conversations in your relationship, reach out…we can help.

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Part 3: Money, Finances, Budgets…oh my!

Strengthening Your Financial Partnership — Systems, Agreements & Repair

Once couples build a foundation of shared meaning and teamwork, the next step is putting systems in place that support clarity, trust, and connection.

Here are the next six practices that help couples continue building a strong financial partnership.

1. Use Roles and Systems That Fit Each Partner’s Strengths

“Fair” doesn’t always mean 50/50. Healthy partnerships honor each person’s strengths and bandwidth.

Some couples naturally divide tasks—one handles day-to-day bills while the other oversees long-term planning. Others rotate responsibilities. There’s no single “correct” structure.

Examples:

One partner tracks monthly expenses; the other manages savings and investments.

One handles day-to-day budgeting; the other handles taxes or record-keeping.

Both participate in major decisions.

Remember: The key is clarity, transparency, and mutual agreement. These systems aren’t permanent—you can adjust them anytime your needs or rhythms change

2. Agree on “Money Rules” That Protect the Relationship

Think of these as shared financial boundaries—not restrictions, but agreements that make both partners feel safe.

Examples:

Purchases over $200 require a conversation.

Each partner gets monthly personal spending money—no questions asked.

If either partner feels financially stressed, you pause and talk.

Major financial changes happen only after discussion.

These shared rules reduce anxiety, resentment, surprises and prevent avoidable misunderstandings.

3. Build a Shared Vision: Short-, Medium-, and Long-Term Goals

Couples feel more united when they are working toward something together.

Try organizing goals into three buckets:

Short-term (0–12 months): Vacations, home projects, holiday spending, paying down small debt.

Medium-term (1–5 years): Emergency fund, car purchase, education savings, career shifts.

Long-term (5+ years): Retirement, financial independence, legacy goals.

Writing these down and revisiting them helps keep both partners aligned and motivated.

4. Navigate Differences with Curiosity, Not Judgment

Differences are normal, including money differences. They’re not a sign something is wrong—they’re a sign that two people with two different histories are building a life together.  What matters is how you talk about them.

 When tension rises, try asking:

“What is this bringing up for you?”

“What fear or value is underneath this?”

“How can we meet both of our needs?”

“What would a compromise look like?”

Curiosity softens conflict and makes space for connection; it keeps the conversation from slipping into blame and helps you as you problem-solve.

5. Normalize Imperfection and Practice Repair

Every couple stumbles around money —overspending, forgetting deadlines, acting impulsively, misunderstanding each other’s intentions. Mistakes don’t define the relationship. Repair does.

Repair might sound like:

“I see why that upset you. Let’s solve it together.”

“I didn’t realize that triggered you—thank you for sharing.”

“Let’s reset. What do we each need?”

Repair builds trust, resilience, and connection.

6. Celebrate Wins—Even the Small Ones

Celebration is often overlooked, but it matters — don’t underestimate how powerful it is to acknowledge what’s going well.

Celebrate when you:

Stick to an agreement

Hit a savings goal

Reduce a debt

Have a calm, productive money talk

Navigate a tough decision as a team

Celebrations reinforce teamwork and create positive momentum.

Putting It All Together

Building a financial partnership is an ongoing, evolving process. It’s not about eliminating conflict but creating a compassionate, collaborative way to move through it. When couples understand each other’s financial cultures, create shared systems and agreements, practice curiosity, and communicate openly, money becomes less of a battleground and more of an opportunity for connection. Conflicts become more manageable. Goals feel realistic. And the relationship becomes grounded in teamwork rather than tension.

Remember:

Money will always carry emotion—but it can also become one of the most powerful places to strengthen trust, deepen connection, and create a shared vision for the future. If you need more support navigating finances in your relationship, reach out…we can help. 

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Part 2: Money, Finances, Budgets…oh my!

Building a Strong Financial Partnership — Start with Meaning, Mindset & Structure

Money isn’t just practical—it’s personal. It carries stories from our childhoods, echoes of past struggles, and visions of the future we hope to build. Once couples understand where their “financial culture” comes from, the next step is moving from awareness to action.

A strong financial partnership isn’t about perfection or agreeing on everything. It’s about collaboration, curiosity, and honoring each partner’s needs and history. These first three steps help couples build a sturdy foundation.

1. Start with Shared Meaning, Not Just Shared Numbers

Before you open spreadsheets or talk budgets, begin with the deeper conversation:

What does money represent to each of you?

Try exploring questions like:

What does financial security look like for me?

What does “success” mean?

Which feelings sit beneath my goals—stability, freedom, adventure, safety?

When couples uncover the meaning beneath their financial behaviors, the day-to-day decisions become easier and far less reactive. Many arguments that seem to be about a purchase are really about something deeper—fear, identity, or longing.

Try this exercise:

Have a “money values conversation.” Each partner names their top three financial values, then explore where you align and where you differ. This becomes your foundation.  For help on uncovering your values, see the first article in this series, “title/link”.

2. Develop a Team Mindset

Healthy financial conversations happen when partners shift from me vs. you to us vs. the problem.

This might sound like:

“Why did you spend that?” → “Help me understand what happened and what you needed.”

“You’re too controlling.” → “It looks like we have different comfort zones. How do we honor both?”

When couples approach money as teammates rather than adversaries, defensiveness drops and emotional safety rises.

A helpful phrase: “How can we approach this together?”  It signals partnership and opens the door to collaboration.

3. Create a Structured Money Meeting (Keep It Short!)

Brief, predictable check-ins reduce surprises and strengthen connection.

Monthly Money Meeting (20–30 minutes)

Review shared goals

Look at income and expenses

Check progress on savings or debt

Discuss any upcoming changes (trips, bills, big purchases)

Guidelines:

Start with appreciation

Stay curious, calm, and on track

Avoid shaming or rehashing old fights

Stay on track—structure builds safety.

The goal isn’t to micromanage money. It’s to create a rhythm of connection around it.  Structure helps create safety; leading to smoother and less emotionally charged communication.

Putting It All Together

Once again, building a strong financial partnership starts with understanding – not spreadsheets.  When couples explore the meaning behind their money habits, adopt a team mindset, and commit to short, structured check-ins, they create a foundation of clarity and safety.  These early steps reduce reactivity, increase connection, and make financial conversations feel more manageable. With this groundwork in place, partners are better equipped to collaborate, set goals, and navigate the more complex layers of shared finances.  In the next blog, we’ll build on this foundation with practical systems, agreements, and communication strategies to help your partnership thrive.

If you would like help navigating these steps please reach out…we can help.

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Money, finances, budgeting… oh my!

These are some of the most common sources of tension in relationships—but they don’t have to be. For couples, managing finances together is about more than numbers. It’s about communication, trust, shared meaning, and alignment. And even before that, it’s about understanding your relationship with money and your partner’s relationship with money.

We all grow up in environments that shape our beliefs, values, and emotions around money. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is assuming that because they share similar financial goals, they will naturally navigate the path to those goals with ease. But that’s rarely true. Each partner has their own financial “culture”—the unique blend of history, habits, emotions, and expectations they bring into adulthood. That culture affects everything from spending decisions to triggers to how each person communicates about money.

When couples come in feeling stuck around finances, one of the first places we explore is their early money stories and personal beliefs. Most partners have talked about big-picture goals, but they haven’t had deeper conversations about the values, emotions, and experiences that shape how they relate to money. That’s often where the tension—and eventually the growth—begins. When couples slow down and understand the roots of their discomfort or conflict, they can start navigating financial decisions with less reactivity and more collaboration.

If you feel stuck with your partner around financial decisions or goals, take a step back and reflect on your own money culture. Then share what you discover with each other. Each person’s financial culture affects not only their goals and how they want to reach them, but also their communication style, their stress points, and how they handle financial uncertainty. This is why couples must understand one another’s financial culture before jumping into negotiation or problem-solving.

Below are some guiding questions to help you explore your personal financial culture. Consider reflecting individually first, then sharing with your partner.

Family and Money 

What are my earliest memories of money? These early experiences often shape your beliefs about earning, saving, spending, or security. What messages did you absorb—spoken or unspoken?

How did my family handle money? Was money openly discussed or kept private?  Did your family budget carefully, spend freely, or live paycheck-to-paycheck?  Were there secrets, surprises, or shame around spending?  These dynamics often show up in adult relationships without us realizing it.

What were the financial roles in my household? Did one person control the finances? Was it shared?  Were gender roles, power dynamics, or personalities part of the equation?  Understanding these patterns can reveal scripts you may unconsciously repeat—or rebel against.

What were my family’s financial values? Were you taught to save at all costs? Enjoy life? Avoid debt? Fear debt?  Did different family members model different values?  These messages often shape your sense of financial success and security today.

Did my family experience financial stress or abundance? Financial hardship can create anxiety or hypervigilance.  Financial abundance may create confidence—or avoidance.  Either way, early emotional experiences around money tend to follow us into adulthood.

How did money affect family relationships? Were there arguments or resentment?  Did money bring people together—or drive them apart?  These patterns often influence how you handle conflict or collaboration around money now.

Personal Experiences and Money 

Your financial identity isn’t shaped only by your family of origin. Your life experiences—career, relationships, successes, failures—also play a role. Consider these questions:

How does money make me feel? Empowered? Anxious? Indifferent?  Our emotional response often drives our behaviors, whether we avoid conversations, overspend, or save excessively.

What are my financial goals? Do you prioritize security, freedom, stability, adventure, or wealth-building?  Understanding your “why” helps clarify your “how.”

Do I tend to spend or save more? Are you reward-focused or future-focused?  This awareness helps couples balance enjoyment today with planning for tomorrow.

What role does money play in my relationships? Do you communicate openly, or do you avoid conflict?  Does money create connection or tension?  Understanding this helps clarify relational patterns.

Am I comfortable discussing money? Do certain topics trigger anxiety or frustration?  Are there financial questions or scenarios that make you feel more on edge?  Your comfort level often reflects how much control or clarity you feel.

How flexible am I in my beliefs about money? Do you believe your way is the “right” way?  Are you open to the idea that multiple paths can lead to the same financial outcome?  Flexibility is a major predictor of successful financial teamwork.

By exploring these questions, you can begin to understand the beliefs and behaviors you inherited, as well as the patterns you developed on your own. Recognizing these influences allows you to make more conscious choices about how you manage money—and how you show up in financial conversations with your partner.

When couples take time to understand each other’s values, histories, and triggers, communication around money becomes easier, less reactive, and far more collaborative.  If you need help navigating these questions or financial tension in your relationship, reach out – we can help! 

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Couples Therapy in Menlo Park, CA

One of our most important connections is with a romantic partner. This relationship can be a great source of joy and support, yet it can also cause a great deal of pain and push us to confront difficult aspects of ourselves. Whether you are in the middle of a crisis, struggling through a difficult transition, discovering unpleasant behaviors, or want to build a strong foundation for the future — our expert couples therapists can be a tremendous source of support, strength and growth.

Do everyday conversations seem to turn into arguments filled with criticisms, defensiveness, or personal attacks?

Do you feel like you are living like roommates?

Has the revelation of an affair turned you and your relationship upside down?

Do you avoid each other or certain conversations because you know it will end up in a fight?

Do disagreements about parenting, money, in-laws, chores turn you into enemies instead of teammates?

Do you feel disconnected and wonder what happened to the intimacy and passion you used to share?

Has sex become an issue? Too much, too little, too dull…

Do you feel desperate or hopeless but are unsure if there is a way forward?

Are you thinking of moving your relationship to the next level and want to talk through common stumbling blocks couples find themselves in?

When you select a couples therapist, don’t choose just anyone who sees a few couples a week. Be sure to choose a specialist.

A therapist from The Couples Institute Counseling Services can help you move through the issues listed above and so much more. We help you work through frustration, anger, resentment, or betrayal and get to workable solutions. Our greatest pleasure is seeing couples emerge from a difficult or even traumatic situation feeling more intimately connected and committed than they ever thought possible.

Click here to get started, and we’ll contact you within the next business day.

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Communication: How Style Makes A Huge Difference

There are several different styles of communication, yet some approaches work better with our partner than others.

Which of these communication styles do you and your partner get into?

Style 1:

Partner 1: What shall we do for the holidays?

Partner 2 (PASSIVE): I don’t know, you decide.

In this scenario, partner #2’s body language may be looking down, avoiding eye contact. 

For the sake of this article, let’s assume that partner #2 is not sincere about saying “I don’t know.”  This partner is someone who does have a preference, but is afraid to assert themselves to their partner.  Perhaps they don’t want to start an argument, or create discomfort with a disagreement.                                 

The dilemma is Partner #1 never knows for sure whether Partner #2 is being honest. Because Partner #2 is afraid to be a self advocate or to assert themselves, their true feelings may be expressed in a passive-aggressive way – direct enough to make their truth known –but  indirect enough to avoid a confrontation. Their perspective is, “let’s be the same. I will cave in to match your desires.” Because this partner caves in too quickly, the couple misses out on learning and growing through the process of working through their different desires.

 Style 2:

Partner 1: What shall we do for the holidays?

Partner 2 (AGGRESSIVE): We are going to Florida this year, end of conversation!

In this scenario, Partner #2’s body language might be having their arms crossed with a rigid stance. Partner #2 is someone who, instead of caving in like the first scenario, pushes for their way.  They are unlikely to create space for or actively seek out their partner’s point of view.  Their perspective is, “let’s be the same.  I will insist that you see things my way.”

The challenge of Partner #2 is to consider seeking to understand their partner’s point of view, even and especially when they don’t agree with it.  It’s engaging in the process of working through their different perspectives and desires that the couple grows and evolves together.

Style 3:

Partner 1: What shall we do for the holidays?

Partner 2 (PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE): We always do whatever you want, so why stop now?

In this scenario, we can hear the sarcasm in Partner #2’s response.  Deep down, a person who communicates from a passive-aggressive standpoint has had many experiences of being disappointed in the past (way before they met their partner).  Afraid to ask for what they want and feeling like a victim to whatever their partner wants, their anger gets expressed indirectly.

Style 4:

Partner 1: What shall we do for the holidays?

Partner 2 (ASSERTIVE): I was thinking it would be nice to go to Florida this year since we didn’t go last year. What do you think?

In this scenario, Partner #2 stated their desire, but also sought out their partner’s preferences.  It’s collaborative, clear, direct, thoughtful, and respectful.  It makes space for both partners to acknowledge their own desires without shutting down the other partner.  This style can also help show how similar or different the desires of each partner is and sets up for a productive conversation.  If the partners have the same desire they can move towards planning.  If the partners have different desires then they can start the important process of negotiation.

Though under moments of stress we can all fall into some of those other categories, but assertive communication style with our partner is our goal!

If you see yourself or your relationship in a pattern above and aren’t sure how to improve communication, reach out to us for a free 20-minute consultation. We can help!

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How To Choose A Couples Therapist…

The goal of this article is to help you find the couples therapist that’s right for you. Helping couples is something I am extremely passionate about for both professional and personal reasons. Because of that I wanted to get this information out on a couple of different platforms, so you can read the article or listen to it online.

Let me start by introducing myself, my name is Stacy Lee and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am also the Clinical Director of The Couples Institute Counseling Services. The other thing I would like for you to know about me is that I am been where many of you are. I have felt the pain of helplessly watching my relationship fall apart.

Feeling like enemies with the person I was meant to feel safe and connected to.

Feeling lost about how to make it better. Desperate. Hopeless.

Here is a little of my story…

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 amazing kids. Yet 10 years ago if you would have asked me if we would make it to our 15th wedding anniversary, I would have shook my head with tears or anger.

Two years into our marriage, we got stuck in a number of negative and extremely painful patterns. I wasn’t yet a therapist, but I was in my Masters program and felt very ashamed that I was having issues in my relationship!

I was learning all about how to help others so shouldn’t I have all the answers?

I felt embarrassed admitting the struggles we were having. It was hard for me to open up. When I did, my well-intentioned audience had my back… but this meant pointing out why my husband was to blame. Their “support” only created more landmines on the path to reconciliation.

But I was willing to fight to save our marriage. Over the next few years we tried many different therapists. Even though some progress would happen, unfortunately nothing really changed.

After our son was born, we hit a wall and separated. We had fought for so long and nothing was working. We had seen many different well-meaning therapists, but there was still so much pain.

It stood to reason that we were just broken or not a good fit to be together.

At this time, I had started working at The Couples Institute and interning under Dr. Ellyn Bader. As embarrassed as I was to be a couples therapist failing in my own marriage, I shared with her what was going on.

She connected us to a therapist who truly specialized in couples.

Honestly, at this point, I wasn’t sure we could come back from the abyss we had created. But I knew I didn’t want to let go until we had tried everything. This felt like our last shot.

That’s when something amazing happened.

My husband and I started going to therapy sessions again, and right from the beginning there was a huge difference. Our therapist was empathetic and strong, letting us share our story but also confidently directing the session.

She helped us get a real look at our own contribution to the problem, and the patterns we had that kept us stuck. Our therapist helped us stop pointing fingers and take responsibility for ourselves. With amazing help and a lot of work we DID NOT SAVE OUR MARRIAGE… what we created was SO much better than just a salvaged relationship. We created something fresh, healthy, and more loving than I ever thought possible.

After this turning point, we thrived even during really difficult times…pregnancy loss, fertility treatments, career changes, health scares, and the loss of family members. We weathered these things together…imperfectly, but together. This was huge for us.

We went on to have a beautiful daughter. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but think that she wouldn’t be here, my son wouldn’t have the joy of a sibling, and I wouldn’t be the person I am if we hadn’t worked with a truly skilled couples therapist.

Now I’m not saying my husband and I don’t annoy each other, fight, or make mistakes. What I am saying is through getting specialized couples therapy, we learned how to stop the painful patterns that were tearing us apart, accept and value our differences, and repair things quickly when we inevitably mess up.

I learned not only how to be a better partner, but a better therapist. It also stoked my passion for helping other couples find the same quality of care we found. I want to keep you from wasting years and dollars on therapists with good intentions but who don’t really know how to work with couples.

I want every couple to have the best tools to fight for their relationship and make a clear decision, not a reactive one.

Now that I have shared a small bit of my journey with you, let me tell you about 4 common places people get stuck when choosing a couples therapist.

What style or approach is right for us?

There are many different therapy approaches out there. What you want is a dynamic therapist who isn’t trying to fit your unique situation into one static approach. The theories and approaches we study as therapists should be the foundation, but a skilled therapist will be able to pull from a wide variety.

Although therapists at The Couples Institute Counseling Services have the Developmental Model as the foundation, they pull from a number of different approaches. We don’t believe that there is a one-style-fits-all, so our therapists tailor their sessions to what their clients’ needs are, as well as bringing in their specialized skills.

How much should I spend?

Most people want to save money and feel like we are getting a good deal. But the old adage “you get what you pay for” applies here. Think of your relationship as an investment. If you put your money into the right investment it will yield a greater return.

Therapy is the same way; you invest your money into a highly skilled therapist, the hourly rate may be more, but so is the return on your investment. Just like any specialist, true couples therapy specialists will be more expensive. The balance is weighing cost with expertise. If you find a skilled couples therapist ask yourself “are they reassuringly expensive?” This means do they have the education, training and skills to back up their fee. If so, it’s likely because they’re the best at what they do. And you may even save money in the long run, because working with someone skilled can often means fewer sessions.

Where will I find the time?

Life is busy…work, commuting, kids, school, family obligations, the list goes on and on…there is never a good time to be in relationship distress. But equally true is the longer you let the problem go on, the longer it will take to repair it. What may take a few months now may take a few years later. Think of it like taking care of a car…if you don’t do the routine maintenance then it creates bigger, more expensive problem…but if you ignore those engine lights signal issues then sometimes, the damage becomes unfixable. It is important to ask yourself if you can afford NOT to spend time getting help? If you stay on the same path what will the damage to the relationship look like in 3, 6, 9 months from now? Therapy is a time commitment but it is worth it with a skilled therapist.

How will I open up to a stranger?

Opening up and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings can be very hard…there are concerns of being judged, blamed or attacked. Although part of therapy and all growth is that you will have to deal with some difficult issues, one thing you want to look for is a therapist you feel safe and comfortable around. This doesn’t mean a skilled couples therapist won’t call out problematic behavior but they do it to move you out of painful, ineffective patterns with care and compassion.

Expert couples therapists create a safe environment to share while calling out what they see. When you find this type of therapist, you will feel their experience, education and training in the skillful way they navigate the sessions. Those therapists continue to train in the field they love and you reap the benefits. This commitment to their own professional and personal growth often helps clients feel safer exploring even the most vulnerable of issues.

Here is the bottom line: Get the right help…before the damage is unfixable. Find the right help that fits for you, make the right investment to get the best return.

At the Couples Institute Counseling Services, we are passionate about addressing challenges with our clients and continuously growing our skills. We deeply care about the services we offer because, like me, all of the therapists here strive to practice what we teach and uphold a commitment to professional excellence. We use the power of healing from our own painful experiences in the skills we teach our clients.

If you are interested in learning more about the services we offer, or want a free 20-minute consultation, please fill out a request form below. You may also call us directly at 650-289-8603.

My marriage is proof that with the right help and effort, amazing things can happen.

So reach out to us now…we can help.

We look forward to hearing from you! Please fill out this form and we will get in touch with you shortly. Contact Us

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Individual Therapy in Menlo Park, CA

Yes, individual therapy at an institute for couples. Here’s why, some of the most meaningful changes occur in couples when the individuals focus on the work they need to do. Often this can happen during the couple’s sessions but sometimes there are reasons more support is needed. Whether you are the only partner willing to come in or because you recognize you have area of individual growth, our therapists can help.

Feeling stuck in patterns you are struggling to break?

Anxious about what others think about you?

Just got out of a bad relationship/marriage and want to figure out how to do things better next time?

Angry all the time?

Looking for love in all the wrong places?

Depressed? Feeling alone?

Are you stuck in a rut?

Worried that you are not enough?

Not sure what is keeping you from being more successful in life and relationships?

Struggling with family relationships (e.g., parent(s), siblings, in-law(s), children)?

We want you to become the best version of yourself. We help you to understand who you are, where your growth edges are, and how to move past what gets in the way of living the life you want and building the relationship you desire. Becoming the best version of yourself is also about knowing and accepting where you struggle. We work with you to develop and implement strategies that help you overcome areas where you are stuck and to reach your goals.

Click here to get started, and we’ll contact you within the next business day.