A Lot Happenes Up There @courtkendrick - Tumblr Blog

Feeling disconnected, failure, nothing new. Same struggle different day I guess

How can one live such a double life and not feel such guilt

I feel awful sitting beside it, hearing plans knowing that you are putting up a front or going with the flow in a way that is not your own

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I hope in time I can figure out how to rekindle but I’m not sure if there is even a point to that. Growth is happening in both our lives I’m sure and if we rekindle will we just set ourselves back to where we were.

I would never have believed anyone if they told me what I now know. How I make myself responsible for other people because no one ever saw me, let alone the people I was trying to help. I wish no one knows the pain of giving every last bit up to never be truly seen. To never feel safe enough to open up so people can see, and to be proven that over and over again. I have someone who sees me now, will I open up to others I’m not sure yet but I hope so. Either way I’m glad I am finally seen thank you.

I was a kid, all alone dealing with the weight of keeping ppl alive. My parents were no safe place for me to go for help and I held myself responsible for other ppls safety when I wasn’t even safe myself. I let myself suffer alone because no one was safe. And now I am safe with the woman I have

It's the fact that all of this happened bc you convinced yourself years ago that I was doing this. I was never allowed to do anything without you or have a week I cannot play games. I stayed, and I tried, but my words were barely ever listened to. The things you say I said, and the things you remember were not even close. I cannot be stuck in this painful loop forever of talking it out, figuring it out, and then everything I said was forgotten and nothing was changed. I answered the phone when it was a phone call. I would let you know if I wanted to play games. I would call if you hadn't already, and nothing that I did was noticed. I shelved my life for two months in an attempt to give you a good sendoff to move to find out I have exhausted myself and the expectations that were held then still held. I would shove down that everything I came to you with got shot down. You told me we would forget what had happened in the past and start clean, I did that. I did not do this because of what happened years ago. I did this because of what was happening now. The week after my grandmother died, I was expected to get back on with activities as usual, and because I didn't, it meant I didn't care, I am being a bad friend. I didn't talk about my grandma or my feelings around it maybe bc I didn't know wtf to say, It was my first ever close family member that I lost, and I am expected to be fine and dandy. I cannot control the thoughts in your head that I am replacing you, and I am trying to pull away. I want to live my life. Most things I am doing with other people are things that you would have said no to. I did not ever suggest anything about what to do because it never mattered what I had to think. Or if I want to have a chill day I am a fucking criminal. I do not feel good doing this and the fact that I know you don't believe that is what bugs me. It doesn't matter what I do or say it doesn't matter because I hang out with people and automatically I am looking for a replacement. I am hanging out with people trying to build new friendships because I am doing different things in my life with different people. I am growing up and I cannot grow up if I am expected to be the person I was when I was 12.

now lets see if I can finish reading this damn chapter

felizzlemynizzl

I wish I had answers to give, but I have answered all that I can. There is not anything else I could have done. I wish it felt as good as it should, but it doesn't, with no one's fault it does not feel good. Seeing as the experience I have been trying to see has been the one I have also given you, nothing will be overlooked and as guilty as I feel for that I can not blame myself. I can blame myself for not doing this sooner so I can figure out what is actually happening and if there is anything I can do. I will never meet up to the false expectation that has been set for me as I am growing, and trying to better myself. The sorrow for leading it this deep in the drain, I wish nothing but the best, I just need that too. I hope that we grow for however long it takes then reel back in a friendship, I just need to do what is best for me. Selfishness is a trait I hate displaying.

This will be hard and it will be scary but I can handle hard and scary. The pressure is becoming too much.

No matter how many talks we have once a month when I fail to answer I am going to get blown up on like I fucked your life up. No matter how many times I take space after you do, it feels like this is just going to keep happening and I cannot keep doing it

I’m really done, the world revolves around nothing but you in your mind and if I stray out of anything I get blown up on no. I don’t deserve that so yeah as soon as it happens I’m done. I shouldn’t need to read in between lines and hidden meanings and when I fail to do so get ridiculed and shat on bc I’m unreliable. If there is no part that sees that I have been putting effort in and missing three fucking phone calls was not this fucking deep. I’m exhausted of putting you before me and I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to tell you what I’m talking about in therapy bc that’s me and I have barely even fucking talked about things including you bc i have other shit I need fixed and overlooking that as casually as you did was really fucking rude. Stop taking your anger out on people who didn’t fucking cause it, bc I’m fucking done.

I think I want to change this space just for my writings but it generally is me just ranting what’s in my brain so we will see

Stop texting me I thought maybe we’d get through a day but no, I want to fix this I need you to listen to what I have already said and wait till tomorrow I never ever said I wanted to stop being your friend and I don’t want that. I need time and I need space and your texts popping on when I’m doing homework is not the space I need

I hope I can find a way to set my boundaries and have them respected, I am tired of putting everyone before me. Letting things get in the way of my intimacy, my relationship, I don’t want to be that person who lets my excessive care for others get in the way of my happy. I don’t want to lose anyone along the way but I cannot keep on fighting for something when it pulls me away from everything else I care about. I just can’t. I have apologies to give out as well, but constantly being framed as if I am the bad guy. I understand I do mess up, I just wish any bit of understanding of the things I also have to face. It may not be as “big” or as drastic but they are still things that I need to face, and when they are constantly dismissed and the blame for the mistake is put on me. I don’t want to take my problems anywhere outside my four walls because I blame myself for them already and having other people say the same does nothing but drag me down further. I took some space to think about what I need to change and how to have that conversation and it be taken seriously. I love being here to help people navigate their hard times, but their hard times are not mine and I do not need to shape my life from them as I need to face what is in front of me. Right now, I’m on the brink of no friends because of this space, and if it ends up the space I took was too much for them to bare and continue on after then so be it. I’m almost positive that when I’m with my girlfriend my phone is going to be off or on so not disturb so I do not get sucked away from our one or two days a week. I want nothing more than to mend this but if no thought is being considered about me then I need to take a step back and think about what’s best for me. So I’ll clean my room do my homework and text my girlfriend if I get too into my head, hell maybe even my therapist so I can have some encouragement for the space I’m taking. I wish that it was as simple as responding but it isn’t, and it’s not that I don’t want to reply because I do, I need to not so that I can really think and I hope it gives time for everyone to think.

i hope i do enough to make people feel loved around me

hey siri how do i get rid of this feeling that i am never going enough while i’m am exhausted from everything i do

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A Lot Happenes Up There