Chase and I had our first round of tests done a little while ago. 7 vials later, all they discovered was I'm not vaccinated against the German measles lol.
Game of Thrones Daily
Misplaced Lens Cap

No title available

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
official daine visual archive

ellievsbear
Cosmic Funnies
Fai_Ryy
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
occasionally subtle
No title available
hello vonnie

⁂

izzy's playlists!

★
Keni

titsay
almost home

PR's Tumblrdome

roma★
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Morocco
seen from Canada

seen from Austria

seen from Brazil
seen from Morocco
seen from Ukraine
seen from Brazil
@courtneyblanche
Chase and I had our first round of tests done a little while ago. 7 vials later, all they discovered was I'm not vaccinated against the German measles lol.
The process
I don't want your pity, I just want your awareness. I always feel guilty for posting stuff like this because I know miscarriage is so taboo, but I can't help but feel it has become a big part of my life and it really just helps to talk about it. Another reason I talk about it, is so that other women who are going though the same thing I am know they're not alone, because I know that feeling all too well. I know how awkward it is for people to have this conversation with me. The truth is, you really don't have to feel pressured to know what to say. It's just nice to have somebody listen. I've planned 3 birth announcements and I've never gotten to that point and I think that's one of the hardest parts of all this. We are told not to announce a pregnancy before 12 weeks in case something bad happens. But then our pregnancies and our babies are unknown and it's like our own little secret. All I want is for my babies to be recognized as well. I was pregnant. Chase gets me flowers on Mother's Day, and I get him a card on Father's Day. We are a mom and dad, just different than most. It really bothers me how uneducated people are about their bodies and miscarriage. But I also think it's silly that it bothers me because unless it's happened to you, you have no reason to know all the facts about it. When I tell people I had a miscarriage, I think what they think, is it was something quick that happened one day. Like I went to the bathroom and there was blood or something. I wish it were that simple... My miscarriages are silent. Meaning I was pregnant, having the normal symptoms any other pregnant woman has.. and them suddenly disappearing. The first time it happened it was very silent. Meaning there's no indication you've miscarried. The second two, were not so silent. Meaning, I knew before the ultrasound tech even said a word. I feel my symptoms disappear and I know something is wrong and they always just confirm it for me. Then the process after finding out is not so simple. They give you the option of surgery, or a pill which is referred to as "the abortion pill" (misoprostol) which basically puts you into labour. The first 2 days are the worst and then you continue to bleed for the next month. You can't have sex until after your first period. Then you have to wait until your period regulates to try again. I wish people didn't think miscarriage was an easy thing that happened suddenly. For some it does happen suddenly, but not for all. When I say I found out I miscarried last week, what I mean is I am currently having a miscarriage. I shouldn't have to feel gross for my body not supporting a pregnancy. But I do and I feel like other people think it's gross too. I wish it wasn't so weird to talk about. I wish people didn't feel awkward talking about it. I wish more people understood and were more aware. That's all we really want from people.
Please do not
open your mouth about miscarriage if you don’t know anything about it.
It is not “just like a period”.
It is not something that “you can just try again”.
It is physical AND emotional pain.
It is a fluctuation in hormones.
It is waiting.
It is your body expelling something that should have a life and future.
It is possibly having to take medication to open your cervix so that your body will start the “natural process”.
It is seeing your future physically fall out of you, or a hospital room because your body couldn’t correctly do the job and now the doctor will do it for you.
It is bleeding for days/weeks on end.
It is depression.
It is worrying about infection.
It is trauma.
It is waiting to be allowed to be intimate with your partner again.
It is never wanting to to be intimate again.
It is blood draws and HCG level testing.
It is a follow up gynecological appointment, and physical exam from a stranger when you don’t want anyone near that fragile part of your body.
It is possibly another ultrasound… of your now empty belly.
It is possibly the need for surgery.
It is crying on the bathroom floor feeling like your body failed you.
It is months of waiting for your cycle to regulate so you can “just try again”.
It is never forgetting the excitement, the waiting in the ultrasound room, the horrible news, the images, the pain, the due date, and the fact that you SHOULD be a mother to that child but you will never be.
And no other pregnancy, no other baby, will ever replace the one that should have been but is not.
It is never being able to truly feel excited when you become pregnant again. Because this never leaves you, and this could happen again.
It is NOT just like a period.
This.... Is SPOT ON.
The testing begins
Tomorrow Chase and I go for our blood tests to see if they can pinpoint anything that may be causing our miscarriages. Although I'm hopeful and positive they will find the problem, I don't think they are going to find it tomorrow with these blood tests.
Soon 🙏🏼
This is baby #3 at 5 weeks, 6 days. Baby had a heart beat at this moment in time. I woke up that morning thinking they were going to tell me there was no baby in there and that it was just a chemical pregnancy. When the ultrasound tech showed me the heart beat I instantly burst into tears of happiness. Ultrasounds usually bring me nothing but misery but this was a good day. I'm still happy I got to see actual evidence of a pregnancy. I'll be forever thankful for this day. I wish it wasn't taken away though.
The worst part about miscarriage is social media. Here I am just waking up from a nap because the antibiotics I'm on make me super drowsy, as well as pressurize my chest. The misoprostol I took to speed up my miscarriage did not do its full job this time around and left clots and tissues inside my uterus. So I was put on antibiotics to kill any infection I had going on and to get the remaining bits and pieces out. Ugh. MEANWHILE on Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, everyone is spreading their wonderful baby news like wild fire. It's so hard. It's hard watching people who don't even deserve to have children pop out multiples. It's hard watching people who already have babies have more babies and never have to endure the pain I do. Making a family so easily with men they won't even be with in a few years. It. Is. Hard. All I want to do is to give Chase a baby and to be a family and do things as a family because that's the type of people we are. We don't go out every weekend, we don't have a drinking or drug problem, we are financially stable, we are in love, we are engaged, we are a perfect combination of everything to be parents. But we're not. Because I can't give us that.
Forest Fire
You hear about forest fires all the time. I can't speak for anyone else, but it's not something I ever got too concerned about. It's something that happens elsewhere, away from you, in someone else's town, not yours. Until it happened in mine. Let's just say, I am now concerned. Ashley and I went to Spruce Grove for the weekend to go to the ABA hair show. We had a great day, spent more money than we should have, went to lunch and then headed home. We headed home into a smoke cloud. Right then and there I was ready to turn around and head back but I wasn't taking it overly serious. Everything would be fine, Ashley had to work the next day and I had to get home to my family. That night my parents were evacuated from Gregoire. The next day it turned out that it was a bad press release and that they didn't actually have to be evacuated, it was just precaution. At that point I thought, "oh whatever they'll have this under control.. Nothing to worry about". The next day the forest fire was still happening. I was home by myself, Chase went to work, and I started a roast in the slow cooker. Ashley NEVER calls me. She has never called me. When I saw her name come up on my caller ID I instantly panicked. She said she had 30 minutes to evacuate and that the whole city should be ready. In a way I thought this was exaggeration and that we'd actually be fine. I called Chase in a panic and I told him what I had heard and he rushed home. I didn't think we would ACTUALLY be evacuating our home. Everyone on social media was going crazy. I started to get anxiety and panic so I said lets get out of here. We were told we had to go North towards Syncrude. I did NOT want to go that way. I wanted OUT of the city all together. At the time, North was the safest way to go so that's what we did. We managed to get a camp room for the night and then at 4:30 we got up to head out of the city. We had no problem getting out. We traveled through thick smoke and saw what was left of the town. We stopped in Athabasca to see my parents because that's where they evacuated to. I instantly felt a bit of relief. We then headed to Spruce Grove and I had such a heavy heart. I heard my friends houses may have possibly burned down. I heard of people having to leave their pets behind and everything was just heart breaking. We got to Spruce Grove and I thought once I got here I would feel total relief but I don't. The anxiety (which I have not felt this bad in years) is just piling up. There are new fires and accidents and some of my friends are trapped on the highway. I'm so stressed out and I want this all to end. I want the fires to stop. I want everyone to be safe. I want to be closer to my parents. I am thankful however, that my fiancé got us out safe with all of our pets. I'm thankful my family and friends got out safe and I'm happy we had enough fuel to get us where we needed to go. I'm thankful for all the love and support and to have a place to stay for the time being. I am so very thankful. I hope and pray everyone else can get out, and can get through this.
I'm an Emotional Wreck
Things that make me emotional. 1. Dogs 2. Animals in general 3. When something good happens for someone else 4. When something bad happens to someone else 5. Old people 6. Old people at the gym 7. People eating alone 8. Abused animal commercials 9. Abused animal pictures 10. Weddings 11. Women giving birth 12. Men seeing their babies for the first time 13. The look on a mans face when they see their bride coming up the isle 14. Seeing kids cry when they get sent home on cooking shows 15. When people talk about their infertility 16. When people honestly think they're ugly 17. That drinking and driving commercial where the guy leaves his dog over night to go drinking and you think he got killed but he actually comes home and his dog is all happy 18. Drunk driving commercials in general 19. When my parents are sad 20. Pretty much everything
I’ve started a journey to a healthy life. In just two weeks I have managed to tone my body. In the picture on the left, you can’t really tell but I was starting to form a little belly pouch. Not only that, but I felt like complete garbage. I didn’t want to let this little bit of weight escalate any further so immediately I knew I had to change something.
This was mainly diet. Because I can tell you, I didn’t work overly hard at the gym. In fact, I did most of my ab work at home on the living room floor. I gave up pop completely and I am not much of a drinker..never was. So I had an advantage there. For two weeks I’ve been drinking lemon water and every once in awhile, a glass of skim milk. For food I’ve been eating chicken breast and vegetables. Whole grains and fruit. Low carb snacks. I’ve been trying to find any way to make what I love healthy. I am addicted to cookies so I found recipes where I could enjoy my cookies and also be healthy! And instead of eating 5 of them, I cut myself down to two.
My fiancé and I started taking the dogs for short and long walks and taking them to the park. Before I would lay in bed all day and watch Netflix. Since I started making these small changes I have felt more energetic, awake, healthy and active. It’s amazing what a bit of healthy eating and being even a little more active can do!
👌🏼
I’m saying goodbye tonight to my little baby. I could not be more thankful than I am to have an amazing fiancé who is doing everything he can to help me through this process. This is something I could not survive emotionally or mentally without him.
I will never forget you my little angel. Say hi to your big brother or sister up there and watch over me and daddy together. I love you with all my heart 👼🏼👼🏼.
Chapter 2
I recently suffered my second silent miscarriage in a row. After a year of trying for another baby, we managed to get pregnant again. This time I had done everything right. I found out right away, started taking prenatals, started eating healthy, started drinking water, didn't do any strenuous activities, stopped taking hot baths...... I told myself from the moment I found out that there was a possibility I would miscarry again. I did not allow myself to get attached. Unfortunately, the moment you find out you're pregnant.. It's an automatic attachment. You literally fall in love with this little forming life inside of you. For 10 weeks I worried. Every little symptom was researched, every symptom I didn't have was researched. According to the Internet, friends, family, and even the doctor, everything was normal and my HCG levels were "beautiful". When I was around 7 weeks I had a panic attack because I woke up to my boobs not hurting anymore. I immediately made an appointment to go see the doctor. When I went in my doctor was literally annoyed with me for requesting another round of bloodwork to make sure my HCG levels were rising. He said he'd give them to me anyway and to stay off google. I left holding back tears. I felt so embarrassed at the time and like I was just being crazy. My HCG levels came back great again. A week later I went to Hawaii for vacation and my symptoms ALL disappeared. Again, I was reassured "this is all normal". It wasn't normal. I couldn't enjoy my vacation because I just wanted it to end so I could have an ultrasound. A couple days in, we surprised Chases family by writing the due date in the sand. They were so exited. I hadn't told my parents yet because I knew they would get attached. I didn't want to break their hearts again. It's a little harder to keep from people though when you're on a vacation. Where you're in a bathing suit and throwing up, so we hadn't much choice but to tell Chases family. We stepped off the plane and went straight to the ultrasound clinic after my 2 weeks of constant fear. I was desperately hoping for good news but as the ultrasound technician was rolling around my 10.5 week belly, she was suspiciously silent. I knew. She went to get the doctor to confirm what she had found. What she had found is an embryo that measured to be 8 weeks and 3 days with no heart beat. When the technician went to get Chase from the waiting room, they opened the door and I saw his face. I saw the look of excitement and hopefulness and that's when my heart broke. I wanted to wipe those feelings out of him right away because he was about to hear bad news from the doctor so I shook my head at him so he would know what he's about to hear isn't good. I wanted him to be prepared. He thought he was coming in the room to see his 10.5 week old baby but his dreams were about to shatter. The doctor and I both kind of took turns telling him the bad news and I watched him break apart. His eyes filled with tears. We were told to take as much time as we need in the room but what was the point? I was so poisoned. I just wanted to get out of there. We left and that's when I let myself break too. Why the ultrasound tech's don't offer you a picture of your baby when it dies is beyond me. Of course my mind was too foggy to remember to ask for one so we left with nothing but disappointment and pain. This time around has been both easier and harder at the same time. Harder because I know there's a possibility there may be something wrong with me, and easier because I've been through it before and I know how to cope, and I know I'll be okay eventually. I'll never stop loving or missing my babies. But time heals all wounds. It's just that it leaves that scar on your heart forever. Chase and I know that one day we will be parents and that is what keeps us going. I am not afraid to try again. Although I am going to worry through out the entire pregnancy, because, I mean really, who wouldn't at this point? I know we are deserving of a child. I know we will be amazing parents. I have faith that we will get our blessing one day ❤️
Raspberry
When I was 21, I accidentally got pregnant. This accident is what shaped the rest of my life to come. When I saw the second line quickly appear on that little piece of plastic…Panic. Excitement. Confusion. I repeated “HOLY F*** HOLY F***” all the way to the bedroom where my boyfriend was. He thought I was joking and then said “But this line isn’t as dark as this one”. I had never been so shaky in all my life. I became a mom in that moment. For the next couple months, we planned our future and bought a few little things for our baby. Every week I would write on the whiteboard “Baby Roth is the size of a -”. It wasn’t until I went into the doctor for a pap when everything started to go wrong. “Can I hear the heart beat today?” The doctor rolled the Doppler around my 11 week belly. No heartbeat. He said I probably just wasn’t as far along as I thought. But I knew. He sent me for blood work to “reassure me”. A couple days later I was at work when “Doctors” showed up on the caller ID. Panic. They told me I had to come in for an emergency appointment and got me in that day. The doctor told us my HCG levels dropped from 77000 to 6000 and that there wasn’t much going on in there. I was then sent for an emergency ultrasound but we had to wait until the next morning. My boyfriend told me not to worry yet and to stay positive. But I could not stay positive because I knew. The next morning I filled my bladder, I went in for my appointment where I was told that my boyfriend could not come inside. Nobody told me why and the ultrasound tech was anything but sensitive to my situation. I desperately asked if there was anything in there and she would respond, “I’m not the doctor”. After the ultrasound I was sent back to my doctors office where my doctor confirmed a missed miscarriage.
The hard part. The thing about miscarriages are, It’s not just the mother who suffers, and it’s not just the mother and father who suffer. That baby was someone’s niece or nephew. Someone’s godchild. Someone’s grandchild. Someone’s great, and great great grandchild. Someone’s cousin. That baby was my entire family’s something. Having to tell my family our dreams have been broken is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I watched my moms heart break all over the floor. I listened to the crack in my mother in laws voice over the phone, and then lose her breath as she cried. I had to learn Chase’s great grandmother cried when she heard the news. I had to lay there as Chase laid on my belly and feel his tears roll down my sides. Then I had to suffer my own battle. Every moment that I was awake I cried myself to sleep. I had never felt heart break so intense. I hadn’t suffered a loss before. My first loss was my own baby at 8 weeks. He or she was the size of a raspberry. Raspberry is the name of my first baby.
I wondered why this happened to me. How could this have happened to me. What did I do wrong? I felt like this was my fault. I beat myself up over it. I felt guilty and I felt lost. Some days I felt numb and some days I didn’t even want to live. I had never been so happy as I was when I was pregnant. I felt important and like my life had a purpose. During those days after my miscarriage I believed I killed my baby. “It was all those hot baths I took” “I didn’t drink enough water” “I exercised too hard” “I didn’t eat the right food”. But none of this was true. It took me a long time to accept that. This is chapter 1 of my journey.
I feel like this is very important. It's something I really struggle with. I often let the opinions and advice of others really affect the decisions I make in my life. I'm a total people pleaser and I hate to offend anyone by disagreeing with them, even when their advice and opinions offend ME. Sometimes people don't agree with the way I live my life and I have to remember to not tear down my own happiness to please them. I feel a lot of people poke their nose and opinions where they don't belong and I don't usually know how to tell them that. I need to learn how to, in a polite way tell them I'm going to do things my way, the way I want, in the time frame that works for me.
Candles
My fiancé is obsessed with candles and air fresheners. He cannot walk down a candle/air freshener aisle without buying at least two. He recently came home with about 40 air fresheners because there was a sale. I've started lighting the candles just to get rid of them. I light 2-3 at a time because we're running out of room in the cupboards.