WHAT YOUR FAVORITE HALLOWEEN CANDY SAYS ABOUT YOU
People say you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their waiter or how firm their handshake is or whether or not they smoke weed before important meetings. But I think you can tell a lot about a person by their favorite Halloween candy.
Certain candy preferences are obvious – for example, if you like razor blades in your Halloween candy, you’re probably a murderer and someone from the FBI is gonna want to talk to you about that. Some are harder to discern – like if your favorite Halloween candy is Conversation Hearts that means you’re so delusional you don’t even know what holiday it is, yet desperate enough for companionship that you’ll accept conversation from a heart. Unfortunately, the sad reality is that you’re going to die alone because you’re needy and you freak everybody out.
As you can see, sometimes the diagnosis requires careful decoding. Luckily, I have a Doctorate in Candy Interpretation. Enjoy – and if you find yourself disagreeing, remember: my opinions are based in 100% scientific fact!
You love show tunes, your favorite show is Glee, and every time you pass a construction site, you are dying for a band of dudes in steel-toed boots to break into song. Here, I got you this helmet because you are so stuck in fantasyland, that I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself on this thing called REAL LIFE. Why are you so whimsical? Seriously, nobody ever let you down? You never had a dog die? No, I will not “break off a piece of your Kit Kat bar” because I don’t trust people like you, Alice! Find me after someone has smashed your heart into a million pieces. Then we’ll talk.
Oh sure, you want everyone to think you’re open minded, but your favorite pastime is judging things. “Taste the rainbow”? We all know what you mean, Mary Ellen – separating out the purple, red, and maybe green, and throwing them where they belong. In the trash. I know your complete voting history without ever looking at it. Who are you going as for Halloween this year… Hilter? Don’t try to pass that mustache off for Charlie Chaplin – we all know your true colors!
You hate to poop. I get it. Pooping is so annoying. It’s like you have to press pause on your video game and walk the 10 feet to the bathroom and wait while your body tries to rid itself of junk food one pellet at a time and then when you’re done you have to LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, which is a nightmare because you’ve just been eating sugary wax since college and you’re so far beyond letting yourself go that even John Goodman would be concerned. NEWS FLASH, BRENDA: You need to eat some oatmeal, stat, or you’re gonna die on a toilet like Elvis with 30 pounds of fecal matter impacted in your colon. Except, you know… not famous.
Alright, let’s cut the crap and call it like it is: ecstasy. Your favorite Halloween candy has to be ecstasy, because no sober non-three year-old likes the taste of Smarties. Plus, everybody knows you roll all the time and you probably currently are and we’re sick of this stupid ‘Smarties’ metaphor, Aimee! Also: you have Vicks VapoRub in your hair and you’re not fooling anyone with those angel wings. YOU’RE 30 FOR GOD’S SAKE. IT’S TIME TO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. NEXT!
Step away from the 90s, ma’am. Clearly you’re stuck in some kind of Simpsons arrested development situation. You’re rebellious and have no respect for authority, but for some reason you maintain an enormous allegiance to the decade of pogs, Beanie Babies, and the band Hansen?? Biting into a Butterfinger is like eating chalk and they’re literally always melted. Welcome to the new millennium: today’s candy is dope – everything comes in a sour variety, Ian Ziering isn’t famous anymore, and nobody’s going to make you perm your bangs. It’s awesome here, come join us!
Grandpa Ed? Great Grandpa Ed? How did you find me, you’re supposed to be dead?! You’re the only person I’ve ever known who liked lemon drops. They’re gross. I’m still gagging from the first time I tried one 25 years ago. Plus, it’s not an appropriate Halloween candy. Nobody wants you to touch their food with your old crusty hands. Are you haunting me right now? Did your sick nursing home cronies put you up to this?? LEAVE ME ALONE. I BARELY YOU KNEW YOU AND YOU SMELLED OF GOLD BOND AND CAT PISS.
Ok what… do you not have taste buds? Are you Kevin Costner? Candy corn is made out of cornstarch and garbage and if THAT is your faaaaavorite Halloween candy out of aaaaaall the delicious Halloween candy options, then you’re bland with a lowercase ‘b.’ You have negative charisma. Central Casting would send you to play “Nondescript Pedestrian” in the movie of your own life. Wake up, my friend! Life isn’t a Dilbert cartoon. Pick another favorite. Anything really – toothpaste would be a better choice.
***Also, read the VERY IMPORTANT companion piece over at Bustle.
