wow really writing look at me

His first instinct was to laugh at the irony of it, but a gut-wrenching feeling settled in his stomach when he realized just how close he'd been to her. If the transport bus hadn't crashed, he'd have been in the prison when she arrived. He nodded solemnly, "We hit one in the road, swerved to avoid another and--It was a mess. Like I said, barely made it out alive." Julian hated to recall the details of his first encounter with the living dead. He'd had many run-in's since, a perk of being a wanderer before they settled on the ranch. The first, however? None had terrified him like that. He was pulled from his sour memories at the mention of Ophelia and the rest of her family. Her mom had passed before the outbreak, a real tragedy, but she'd still had her sisters and father, last he knew. "Your sisters and your dad, are they..." he trailed off, hesitant to ask in case the answer wasn't good, "Did they make it too?" He hoped for her sake that the answer had been yes. Dita had always been close with her family. She was the only woman he knew who still went home for dinner every night. He admired it, really, never having had a real family of his own. The closest he'd come to it was Javi, and much like Perdita, he didn't dare let himself dream he'd survived. The fact that she'd asked after him made him happier than he cared to admit. He didn't deserve her worries, not after what he'd done, but it was comforting to know she'd thought of him too. "Wait," he paused, curiosity striking, "You said you asked some of my biker buddies? They were there too?"

#julian x dita #julian x dita 001

His expression shifted as he went to answer her, his eyes much more grave as he explained what had gone wrong. Dita nodded in understanding. He gave few details, but while her early encounters with zombies hadn't been scarring after the prison attack she was aware of how hard revisiting the moments could be and she didn't need to know every detail. It wouldn't have changed anything. Her shoulders sunk and her face fell slightly at the mention of her Dad, she had been the one to bring her family up, she should have expected he would ask. He knew them, been brought in more than any other boyfriend of hers had been before, in a way before the break up he was expected to be one of them given enough time. "Yeah, well Opie and B did, we lost Dad a couple years back, a zombie bite wasn't really much we could do about it."

She shifted uncomfortably, after the mention of her family she wasn't sure if she should bring up his brother. He might have come across him already, but she hadn't been exactly thinking to check in with Javi when the ranchers were coming in, who really would have expected one would be his brother. The surprise at the mention of the bikers told her all she needed to know, there had been no way he'd come across Javi if he didn't know that the bikers were around with them. " As many of them that were left, they came in somewhere near a year or something in, Javi was with them." She paused, knowing that as soon as he knew it'd be the end of this reunion, but he deserved to know as soon as she knew he wasn't aware." Julian, Javi is here he's okay, he lives out in town with the rest of us."

His candid reply had her fully smiling now, though she pulled her lower lip between her teeth to nibble on it. Once they'd gotten past the games they liked to play with each other, she'd grown to understand he was a rather forward man. He knew what he wanted, and he had the confidence to back it up. He rather unashamedly admitted to his interest, something that made her stomach turn with equal parts excitement and nerves. It was refreshing, to feel wanted for once. Not in the sick, skeevy way that men at the bar implied, but legitimate interest. "You? Take advantage of me? Hardly," she replied with a roll of her eyes as she ushered him in. "If anything, you're the one that needs to worry about being taken advantage of, you smell like booze." Once he was in the entryway she closed the door behind him, turning the deadbolt. "You know, you're starting to sound desperate, Avi," she teased, walking past him towards the kitchen to get him a glass of water. By the time she returned to him, cup half full, his eyes had begun wandering around the room. She quickly followed his gaze, looking for something out of place, before turning her attention back to him upon hearing his question. "It's perfectly normal to want your house clean," she replied defensively, "Besides, it's not like you can pay people to do it anymore." With that, she held the glass towards him, waiting expectantly for him to take it.

#bianca x avi 001 #bianca x avi #such a caretaker

Avi tilted his head in some form of nonchalant agreement, for numerous reasons she was right, but he'd only said it that way to express his lack of intention without pinning anything on her. " Oh, but you'd never do that, you're not that type of girl, and that's just the ambiance of the bar I seemed to carry with me." He replied confidently, but once she'd turned to lock the door he brought his chin to his chest and attempted to see how bad the smell was. He thought himself perfectly enough intact when he'd excused himself to go to her. The trip maybe shook that belief a little, but he had been drinking impairment happens once it's in your bloodstream. He couldn't recall anyone dumping a drink on him, so perhaps he was further gone than he realized, all he could do was hope not embarrassingly so as he was already locked in her home. " Determined, Love, I think it's the word you're looking for." Avi called back as she'd left him in the room.

It wasn't long before she returned with a cup in hand, filled with water, likely for him and not herself considering what she thought of his condition. Her answer was quick, and defensive, as if the question had been an accusation- and perhaps she was not entirely wrong. Either way, he found the leap to defense amusing. "Yes, there is nothing wrong with it, it's just a bit late, and a Friday night. Just thought you might have something better to do. " He paused taking the glass from her hand, bringing it to his lips and taking a drink, lowering it, passing a look towards asking if she was satisfied. " I think if you cut them the right deal you could find someone, I don't know if they'd meet your standards. though." Abi thought about the kids he'd worked with on campus and not many were shining examples of cleanliness.

Her words were quiet, muffled against his thick winter coat. As if entirely by instinct, his lips curled upwards at the sound of her voice. The gentle lilt to it, that subtle gravel that often caused a shiver to run up his spine--It felt familiar, like home. The soft words of reassurance had Julian exhaling a shaky breath if only to draw in more of her scent upon his next inhale. She swore she was real, and GOD, she felt real. For a moment, he thought to himself that even if she weren't, and this was some cruel trick played on his weary mind, he wouldn't have cared. He'd have given anything to have her back in his arms 5 years ago, and that longing hadn't dulled over time. Dita appeared to finally find her voice, and though he dreaded to do so, he knew he should let her go. He released her from his grasp, though his hands refused to meet his sides. Calloused palms found her face once more. Though she'd asked him a question, he couldn't deny himself another moment to take her presence in. She looked the same, older, more weathered, sure, but truly just as beautiful. He noticed little scars that hadn't been there before, a sign that he really wasn't conjuring her up. Finally, he pulled his hands away, though he longed to feel her touch once more. "I never made it there," he said plainly, "The bus--we crashed on the highway. I almost didn't make it out alive. If not for uh, Gavin." After a quick turn of the gears, he realized that in order for her to know that, it would've meant she had to have been there. "You-- You went to the prison?" He questioned, knowing it was too much to hope she'd gone looking for him.

#julian x dita #julian x dita 001

The question seemed to cause some realization in him as his grip around her seemed to loosen, readying himself to pull away. Dita's fingers curled slightly trying to catch on to his coat, an absentminded attempt to keep him near, but she'd flattened her hands before they could. Instead letting the fabric pass under them as he created a small distance. He was happy to see she'd made it out alive, that was all, they'd cared for each other for a long time, but it didn't mean he wanted her clinging to him. At least, that's what she'd tell herself, too scared of what it would mean if he'd really felt everything that he appeared to. Especially now, with his hands cupping her face as he stared, she wished she could look away, but her eyes weren't as easily commanded as her hands. She wanted to look, to see the years she had missed, to see the man she had missed. For now, she could at least let herself admit it, if only as an excuse to herself for later.

Her face twisted as he released her face, unsure if it was at his answer or from the final tether between them being cut off. "On the highway to the prison? You were on your way when everything happened?" Her stomach dropped at the realization that if it'd happened just a day later he would have been there, that he was so close to being there. There were probably more important questions, like who was Gavin and what happened that he needed saved, but they could come later when her head was clear enough to get them out. She blinked a few times at the question, it had been an obvious follow up, and yet it surprised her. " Oh, we all were, the family, Opie had been there when everything happened to visit Wes and we couldn't leave anyone behind. When we got there it seemed Boone was running it and it was a lot safer inside there than anywhere else." She answered, a sudden guilt sitting in her throat that it hadn't been to see him, which made her feel foolish. He'd broken up with her, it'd have been crazy to go to the prison for him, even if looking for him there had been her first priority once they were settled. " I asked around to find you, even asked some of your biker guys if they'd broken you out of somewhere when they came, no one knew where you were."

The near-immediate smile that graced his features made her regret her aggressive greeting. He seemed happy to see her, something that admittedly brought her a little relief. They'd yet to talk after-- well, their 'hook up' if you could call it that. It'd be a lie to say he hadn't been on her mind since. His subtle nod toward her pistol had her sheepishly mumbling an apology before setting it down on the entryway table. She brought her hand to head, brushing her fingers softly through her curls as she gave him another once over. His response to her rather demanding question had her lips curling upwards into a smile, though she tried to stifle it. Bianca opened her door a bit wider, enough that she could rest her weight against the frame and cross her arms over her chest. His concern for her was sweet, and it only made it harder to suppress her smile. "No, I wasn't sleeping," she reassured him with a small shake of her head. Her eyes wandered over his frame again, before rising to make eye contact. "Do you want to come in?" She offered with a nod over her shoulder. In truth, she wasn't sure it was the best idea. The last time he'd been over things had devolved quite quickly, and she didn't want to give him the wrong idea. However, letting him stand outside in the dark and the cold also seemed like the wrong option.

#bianca x avi #bianca x avi 001 #avi stop being a freak on main

The apology was quickly shrugged off by him, He hadn't meant anything by pointing out the gun. They were in a world with zombies for one thing, but she also was the daughter of a man whose one of his best workers was Boone. A gun in the doorframe wasn't peculiar, he'd just been a bit amused by it. Though the way she settled onto the frame with a smile she was failing to hide made it all the more clear that Avi had very little to worry of that gun, or at the very least that he wouldn't have minded if she tried to use it on him. " Good, I was hoping you wouldn't have been asleep." He responded, eyes on her as he felt hers on him, waiting for them to return to meet his.

He didn't answer right away, and if he hadn't already had a smile on his face it would have appeared at the offer. " Yes, I would very much like to come in, but I must warn you I'm in no position to take advantage of you," Avi said his tone light, "I just wanted to see you." He added as he passed by her with the space she allowed and entered the home which was much more welcoming than the outdoors. It was just as tidy as the last time he'd been around, which shouldn't be surprising, if there was anything Bianca was it was in line. The apocalypse would not be the reason she let something out of place. " So, not sleeping, but cleaning?"

When her body froze in response to his call, he felt a surge of hope that she was real, that she was there. His feet hadn't stopped moving, even as he'd shouted for her. She'd begun to move towards him too, as if drawn like magnets, and it took little time for them to close the gap between them. His brows furrowed, and Julian tried to swallow down the lump in his throat as his eyes roamed her face. In all the years they'd been surviving he hadn't allowed himself to hope that those he loved had made it too. It was better to accept that they were dead than deal with the all-consuming unknown. Letting his bag drop to the ground once more he reached a trembling hand towards her face. His palm cupped her cheek, fingers softly caressing the skin as he allowed himself to feel her. If he was imagining her, she felt pretty damn real. "You're," he began, breath hitching in his throat, "You're alive?" While his tongue slid out to wet his lips he brought his other hand to her face, cupping the other cheek. He tilted her head back with a gentleness that implied he might break her if he weren't careful. "God... You're even more beautiful than the last time I saw you," he breathed out in disbelief before pulling her tight to his chest. Julian didn't want to let go of her, for fear that if he couldn't feel her, she might not really be there. "This can't be real...You can't be real" he whispered against her neck as he squeezed her even tighter.

#julian x dita #julian x dita 001 #i said here have lots of words and nothing to work with

It had felt like every action of his had been laced with a frantic urgency. He closed the distance between the two like it had hardly existed. He searched her face with such intensity it was as if he was looking for an answer he knew he'd only find written across it. It was in total contrast to herself who had felt a stiffness crawling back up her body the moment he came close enough. As if it knew that there was too much to say, too much to feel, that the only way she could exist here was as a statue. Dita had lost him before the apocalypse, in it she buried everything surrounding him without his body, and now with a new life breathed in it clawed its way out.

When Julian's hand met her face with a gentle touch instinct screamed for her to both pull away and lean into him to which her body did neither. Instead, she found herself just staring, like she was hoping that somehow everything could be understood without a word being uttered. That one unbroken look could tell each other everything that had happened in the missing years. So lost in her thoughts his voice almost didn't register when he finally spoke again. Dita attempted to nod, but his other hand closed around the free side of her face preventing it. " Yes." She weakly uttered, it was probably not very reassuring, but her standing there would have to be good enough supplemental proof of life.

Just as she had thought she was gaining herself back enough to string together a more substantial sentence, he'd found a way to stop her. Words of her beauty were the last thing she expected to hear from him, and before he even allowed her to process it she was wrapped tightly in his arms. " I'm real, I promise, I'm real." Dita reassured, slowly wrapping her arms back around him unsure if it was the right thing, but knowing deep down she craved to be as close to him as she could despite it all. "Julian, why weren't you at the prison?" She asked, finally able to say more than a few words. " I thought you were dead because you weren't there."

For as regimented as Bianca was, she found herself quite terrible at enforcing a bedtime routine. She'd always been a light sleeper, and that wasn't considering how difficult it was for her to actually fall asleep. She often felt she did her best work at night, and though that work was now far and few between, old habits remained. She flitted about the living room, tidying things she'd already given a once over when she heard a loud thud from outside her door. Her body immediately went into high alert, silently making her way over to the pistol she kept near the front door. Though things were relatively quiet, the lone zombie had been known to wander into the neighborhood, and it was often best to handle those situations as quickly as possible. Tiptoeing toward the door, she reached for the door handle with one hand, pistol aimed and ready to fire with the other. Just as she was about to throw it open, a knock came, causing her to exhale a sigh of relief. Last she knew, zombies couldn't knock. Lowering her gun to a resting position she twisted the handle and threw up the door, only to be greeted by what appeared to be a rather drunk Avi. "What the fuck," she sighed, "I thought you were a zombie?" After glancing over him, she looked around her porch in hopes to find the source of whatever loud noise she'd heard before finally asking, "Did you trip coming up the stairs?"

#bianca x avi #bianca x avi 001

As the door swung open a smile started across Avi's face only becoming slightly sheepish when he'd realized he might have startled her. "Yes, well, I suppose that would explain the warm welcome." He nodded down towards the gun in her hand. Dignified would be the last way Avi would describe his entrance. However, Zombielike also would have been lower on that list, though he did quite literally go bump in the night, so he couldn't blame her.

Avi stood what felt like somewhat awkwardly now as Bianca's eyes seemed to dart around the porch. He hadn't assessed for any damage, though now he was wondering if he should have. She was always particular, it was more endearing, but he hadn't been entirely been on the harsher side of it. "Oh! Yes, that last one I found rather tricky- didn't lift my foot as high as I should have." He answered, turning to glance back at them as he did so. " It wasn't terribly loud was it? I didn't wake you?"

utahbastards

Charlie watched Della with curious eyes, watching her list and relist their rations over and over like it would change the outcome. Things were running scarce. With Beckett so agitated, trips across campus became even more dangerous. The dead were one thing, but the boys? They were sneaky, angry and certainly starving by now making them outrageously desperate. Give them another month and he was sure it would resort to some sort of cannibalism if nothing broke. Culinary had been an insane blunder, one he thought he'd been able to temper until it was too late. Beckett's stomach had only himself to blame. Now here Charlie had to be, cleaning up his messes, hoping to eliminate the ally problem so the idiot could see his antics through and at least come out with resources to show for it.

"We need more," She mumbled dryly. He tilted his head, weighing his words carefully He could solve this in a moment, one signal to Beckett to back off and they could get by to Seth, unburdened. But what impression would that give, to travel into tenuous waters unimpeded? Certainly not good for his new brand as Jock Turncoat.

"We're not getting anymore if you count again though, are we?" He prompted rhetorically with a grimace. "Reality is, we have enough to wait Beck out. It wont be pleasant, but he'll be too tired to run interference with the culinary kids and we can trade then." Charlie leaned down, taking the book from her hand and casted it gently down to the table. "Did you know worrying burns through more calories?"

#charlie x della #charlie x della 001

"We need more." She mumbled dryly, putting the pencil on the table. It was no longer a form of assistance in her counting, instead it's tapping seemed to take up a rapid rhythmic expression of her nerves. Della was well enough educated to know that she hadn't miscounted or missed enough rations to justify the way she was obsessively going over the data again and again. She had just hoped that maybe she was wrong somewhere, that she hadn't doomed her faction by not seeing this whole fiasco with jocks coming. If she had just made some form of gardening on top of their building, it wouldn't have been much, but it'd have helped.

Della raised her eyes as the man who had patiently been waiting across from her throughout this whole inventory process spoke. It wasn't exactly an encouraging question, but it was one she had asked herself and as much as she disliked it he was right. She could not change their circumstance with lists and numbers. " I know, I just wish we had enough to make it pleasant." He pulled the book away from her and she gave it with little fight, if she'd allowed herself to keep it she'd just start it all again.

" Worrying burns through more calories?" Della laughed at the absurdity of the fun 'fact' in a form of a question. It sounded like something you'd read off a magazine at the checkout aisle. " Well, I hope you've always preferred thin women because between starvation and this new development on worrying I'm afraid I'll never be able to keep any weight on."

As Julian tied Chief's reigns to the nearest fence post, he turned to look at Gavin, who seemed every bit as exhausted as he was. The journey had been long, made even longer with the cattle and crops they'd needed to take with. Julian was grateful, at the very least, that this would be the last trip they'd need to make. Picking his bag up from the concrete and throwing it over his shoulder he gave his horse a nice pat before walking around to Gavin. "Has Cliff given us any indication of where," he began, pausing when his eyes landed on a familiar figure. His companion tried to catch his attention when he didn't continue, but there was little possibility of Julian being drawn back into reality. Surely it wasn't her, the odds were so slim that it couldn't be. And yet, there she stood, no more than 10 feet away from him, as beautiful as the last time he'd seen her. He could still remember the day he'd been booked, and the betrayal she wore on her face. He saw her teary eyes and pouted lips each time he closed his eyes before bed. But this wasn't a memory, she was here in the flesh. Unless, of course, he'd somehow lost his mind after months of fighting dehydration. He put his hand on Gavin's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before walking past him. He'd closed no more than five feet before he called out her name, "Dita?"

#julian x dita #julian x dita 001

There were a lot of cows. Dita had heard in the conversations of this new settling group that they'd come from a ranch, but she did not really believe all the commotion of this return would be cows- arguably too many cows. She sighed, squinting as she looked at the herded animals. It wasn't really anything for her to report to her sisters and now she was beginning to believe that they were right in their decision to not accompany her. Too many years in the prison must have made her jump too eagerly at the opportunity for something new, something entertaining. Campus had opened doors that weren't previously there, but they were weary, and well this new group had no reason to be.

While she debated herself on if she should go home so early after she left, a voice cut through calling her name freezing her in place once a recognition of it took place. "Julian," the name fell off her lips in a whisper, sparking a whole new debate within her about how it couldn't be. He wasn't at the prison. He was never at the prison. He had to have been dead, she was sure of it. The shock that froze her in place had been thawed enough by her confusion and curiosity that she began to turn towards where the call had come from. There he stood, a lot more solid than any ghost could. " Julian? How?" Dita questioned, stepping towards him.

The breeze of dusk felt cooler against his face than it should have in the summer, an effect of the alcohol coursing through his veins. It was enough to cause more than a buzz, just a few drinks in the sake of comradery with his coworker Jasper, and whoever else he'd invited along. It wasn't boring certainly not enough so to justify wandering off, but he'd seen Perdita across the way and knew that likely meant that Bianca was home alone. He wasn't expectant of anything, but he hadn't seen her since they'd slept together and if there was a friendly face he'd prefer to be looking at it would be hers.

Having reached her porch, he climbed the few stairs walking towards the door. Avi's foot caught at the top of the last step causing him to stumble slightly, not graceful, and perhaps louder than he wanted for his approach, but he didn't fall. After steadying himself on the doorframe he knocked, waiting for her to open the door.

#bianca x avi #bianca x avi 001 #me really was like you compared her to the holiday now time for doorway tipsy scene

"what about the police? they're expecting a gunshot victim ."

Lonnie stood leaning against the brick of the funeral home, waiting for Boone to arrive with the body that he'd called in for a drop-off. It was late, and also more muggy than usual for a September night in Utah, only one of them Lonnie preferred. Though, they couldn't really fault the rain for leaving a heaviness in the heat, and they could just be thankful for a drop-off where they wouldn't be disturbed. It was rough when they'd come during working hours on account of the families and visitors who weren't up to speed on the side projects of the facilities. Maybe it'd be better if there weren't so many idiots sent with the bodies, but the groups weren't exactly sending the cream of the crop for what should be such a menial task, but some of the guys, well they make it seem like it's third level calculus. Lonnie let out a laugh to themselves as they brought the almost finished cigarette to their lips, before flicking it to the ground as Boone's headlights flooded the dimly lit back lot of the building.

With a gentle force, Lonnie pushed themselves from the wall the gurney for the body following just beside them. Their foot stepped on the cigarette ensuring it was fully put out before they started their business, they wouldn't be out for a while and while the lot was fairly empty the dumpster was not. It was full of shit just begging to be burnt up and it wouldn't be the first time some raccoon dragged trash along. "Next time you should sit the guy in the front, could use the carpool lane and get here faster." Lonnie joked dryly as the stopped the gurney at the edge of the open trunk preparing to move the body. Small talk, or any talk was rarely required, but Boone was a bit of a familiar face so the effort wasn't hard to expend. They reached in, grabbing ahold of the side of the body closet to them and pulling them onto the cot with the help of the man. It was heavy, but not too heavy, the body still had some flexibility, must have been a decently fresh one which was a bit easier to deal with than if it had gotten stiffer.

"what about the police? they're expecting a gunshot victim ." Boone stated, following in behind Lonnie as they rolled the body into the funeral home and towards the smaller morgue designated for the extracurricular activities. "That's easy enough to deal with, are they expecting any particular wound?" Lonnie questioned, the wound wasn't exactly the hard part of the equation, but it was still needed information to make sure that everything was as in order as it could be.

"Head." Boone responded curtly. They nodded their head in understanding, scrunching their nose a little at the idea of the mess of that. " I've been known to blow minds. Do we need this to look like they were alive when it happened or the cops not planning on looking too closely?" Lonnie asked, it was going a little beyond, but they had expanded operations a bit and if they'd known the guy's blood type with a machine, some blood, and time they'd get him as close as they could to shooting him when he was alive. Boone gave an uncertain glance at the question, " Just the wound is fine, Lonnie."

With a half hearted shrug Lonnie went to retrieve the gun tucked in the waistband of their jeans. It was a simple pistol, but it was common and it was good enough to get the job done. Without a word they’d taken a step back, lifting it and aiming for the head of the lifeless body and let off a shot. "Now, we have a gunshot victim."

#boone x lonnie #i did not edit this we die like stupid bitches #catch me googling what gun popular because i don't know shit

She was certain that what he said came from his desire to be kind. He was her closest friend, and she his-- it was practically an unwritten rule to be kind to one another. Unfortunately, it did not help her if he said she was the most desired woman in all of the kingdom. It simply wasn't true. "Yes, but it matters not if it is right or wrong," she snapped. Her tone was certainly harsher than she'd intended, and absolutely one that had never been directed towards him. "What matters is that they talk. And when they talk, my already slim potential as a marriage candidate diminishes further. I am not spoiled for choice as you insist I am" she concluded with a sigh.

When her gaze returned to him, she was surprised to see that his had never left. The intensity in which he looked at her had chills rising on her arms. When he spoke, it was equally intense. Quick. Almost desperate. Each time she thought he'd finished she opened her mouth to speak only for him to continue once more. She could not tell if his pauses were meant to calm himself, or if he was simply saying each thing as it came to his mind. His final statement had her sure it was the latter. Mikel's implication that he was an option had her shocked and unsteady on her feet. She took a small step backwards and rested her back against the cool stone of the wall behind her.

Lydia opened her mouth to speak, only for the breath to catch in her throat. Rather than continue to gape as if she were a fish out of water she closed her mouth and bit into her cheek. She couldn't meet his gaze anymore, too fervid to be comfortable. She chose a spot behind his shoulder instead to focus on and merely shook her head. "Because, I must marry," she finally mumbled, voice low and uncertain, "And I want to be loved. Not as you do, but truly, and genuinely." Her body trembled as she finally forced her eyes to move from that spot and look upon his face.

That familiar pain in her heart began to ache once more. It had been present for a while now, each time she looked upon him with another woman, or spoke of the pretty girls in court. Jealousy. Longing. Hurt. That word from before returned to her--Unfair. It was unfair. It was unfair that he'd decided Lord Stanely unfit. It was even more so unfair that he'd offered himself up instead. Was he entirely clueless about how she'd felt all these years? Surely he could see how unfair it was for him to say such a thing to her when she'd finally moved on.

#lydia x mikel #lydia x mikel 001

His head pulled back slightly taken aback at the shift into a much sharper tone. Lydia had been frustrated with him, she had even been so far as exasperated with him--especially more recently, but she had never used this sort of tone with him. It had not been easy for her, Mikel knew this and while he was not a woman nor someone who had been entirely burdened with the family line as a second son, he was aware of the pressure Lydia faced. With her father's loss of position, it felt that marriage was the only card she had left to deal with to keep herself where she wanted. He knew that he had promised to aid her in this and that had been his intention, truly, but he was also aware that he had not been helpful and this had been enough to bubble that over. " You do not need to be spoiled for choice, I don't mean to imply that, but all it takes is a choice and I can insist with certainty that you have that." Mikel attempted to level with her regardless of the disbelief in his words she held.

It had come out clumsy, in a hurried and longwinded fashion that probably was more unsettling than romantic, but it had come out. Mikel had officially positioned himself as an option for Lydia if she decided not to take the proposal from Lord Stanley. His heart raced and he could feel the thrumming of it in his ears, taking a few breaths to settle himself he focused back in on Lydia who was now against the wall. Her reaction was not one entirely of pleasure, though that scenario was one of more wishful optimism than one of reality. Her features held a more stunned appearance which he suppose was a fair reaction since it appeared she had ignorance to the level of feeling, but it did not mean it was bad. She simply had to process and he could wait for that.

Then it came, her thoughts, and within a few seconds, Mikel had begun to feel unsteady. The nerves and tension that had conspired with each other to wind him up had simply vanished out of him leaving him feeling a bit uneven. 'Not as you do, but truly and genuinely ' The addition had ran through his mind a few more times dealing a new blow each time. He did not understand, of course, he would love her truly and genuinely, but she could not see that- or perhaps she did not want to see it because she did not want it. Her feelings had not been wholly verified, but he had been confident enough in his belief in them. "Lydia, my love for you has always been true and genuine and the nature of it may have changed, but those fundamental elements have not. If you were to choose me know that love would not be something that would be lacking unless it was you would did not feel that way towards me..." His voice wavering before beginning to trail off.

Though her question had not been posed with the expectation of an answer, he'd given her one anyway. Unfortunately for the both of them, it'd only frustrated her further. This conversation had gone completely awry. All she could think to herself was that it wasn't fair. Lydia finally had a chance at happiness, and he wanted nothing more than for her to give it away. She had wasted her youth on unrealistic fantasies. Time was running short for her. Few men were interested in marrying a woman of her age. She didn't have time to start over and build a relationship completely anew. God forbid he disapprove of that man too.

"And yet, Lord Stanley is the only man in my 27 years that has ever sought to make a life with me. I might not be as clever, or sociable as you are, but I hear the way they whisper about me when they think I can't ear. Lord Stanley has never made me feel unwanted or strange. Your feelings are not a whim, but your reasons are baseless," she sighed. Her arms finally left her torso, but it was only to bring her hands to her face. She rubbed the sockets of her eyes with her palms, focusing on the little stars that appeared behind her eyelids. This was all too much. Perhaps she should have said nothing at all, but it was too late to change that now.

"Of course I care...But," she paused, finally removing her hands to look at him, "I would also trust that you're making the right decision. That the woman you choose makes you happy. Is that not what you want for me? To be happy? Lord Stanley...He allows me to be myself. That is something I have only ever been allowed to do with you."

#lydia x mikel 001 #lydia x mikel

Mikel opened his mouth to interrupt her with an argument that could change her mind, but closed it just as quickly finding he had no argument to make. They have both been so intertwined with each other since childhood, every bit a piece of each other's heart and mind, but that was not intentional. They did not talk of a home together, nor a marriage or children, but it was implied. Of course, they would be written into each other's futures in such a way. It may have taken him a minute to fully see that as the truth, but it was the truth. Yet, some plea of divine reasoning would not hold up as the solid evidence that she had desired.

"What they whisper is wrong, or said with misplaced observation. You're strange, but delightfully so and you're not even close to as unwanted as you may think. Lord Stanley is not this only hope that you are making him out to be." He insisted in such a way it almost came across as a plea to see what he saw. Mikel watched her desperately as she released herself from the cradle she held herself in. It was not lost on him that the way her arms covered her face as she rubbed at her eyes was even moreso a position of protection than her last. She was frustrated, upset with him and the situation that had been created around the news. Part of him held regret for it, but admittedly if this was the last time he could stop this before it affected her reputation he would have done it again.

Finally, when she spoke again she had lowered her arms and she was quickly met with his gaze that had not left her. " Even if you knew the happiness would not last? Or that you knew that there could be greater happiness elsewhere you would still let me marry that woman? Because that is what you are asking of me here Lydia." His words came rambling mess, fast paced and desperate. Mikel sighed before answering. "I want you to be happy, I just do not wish for that happiness to be with him."He paused, taking a steadying breath, uncertain of what the nature of his next words would be. " I just do not see that if I am a man you can be yourself with why you would pick Lord Stanley over me. I have known you longer and deeper certainly than Lord Stanley does and I have been most obvious in my displays of dislike that everyone else is willing to see me as an option for you, except you. I do not understand."

When Mikel spoke once more, his tone was kinder-- more considerate. It would seem as though he was regretful for how he spoke to her. Perhaps he did not regret his choice of words, which where harsh in their own nature, but he at least seemed to be attempting a more subdued approach. Though she was still wary, the tightness in her muscles began to loosen. Her arms still hugged her body, but it wasn't nearly as tense as before. She tried to sniffle quietly, no longer in danger of tears spilling over, but her nose was nearly running nonetheless.

She tried her hardest listen to what he was saying, but each word from his mouth only confused her further. She'd never known Mikel to be liar. He was a gossip and a man of many complaints, yes, but he always spoke truth. And yet, none of what he said about Lord Stanley had proven to be true. She was aware enough to understand that men were different around each other, but the way Mikel spoke about him it'd be difficult to hide that much. He was consumed by his desire to prevent this union, and try as she might, she could not figure out why. "What would you have me do," she questioned, "Turn down his proposal simply because you wish me to?"

She shook her head, tongue darting out to wet her lips as she thought further on her response. "You are trustworthy, yes, but I cannot deny my only option because you say so. You cannot pretend that I have ever caught the eye of men in this court. Not until Stanley. It would be foolish to turn down the only man who has ever shown interest on a whim. And I," she trailed off. The idea that Mikel would allow her dictate his spouse in any manner made little sense to her. She'd spent the majority of her youth pining after him, and when he began to show interest in the women of the court she'd kept quiet. She'd never so much as thought to speak on it, let alone decided herself entitled enough to actually do so.

"And, I think that sentiment is quite irrational of you. I would support whomever you sought to marry, if you so wished it. It.. It is what a good friend does," she finished.

#lydia x mikel #lydia x mikel 001

His eyes which had not yet left her watched as her features twisted further and further into confusion. It was a sentiment that was not entirely understood by him. His feelings had been steadfast towards Lord Stanley and while he had originally intended for the motivation behind them to be blurry nearly half the court had told him that was not the case. Lydia had never been good at reading between the fine lines, but she was smart and knew him better than anyone so the reasons could not have been so unclear to her, and yet it was as if she looked right through them. Mikel thought momentarily, unsure if he should reply or if the question had been entirely rhetorical as the answer was so obviously written within it. " Yes, Lydia, that is exactly what I wish for you to do." He answered finally, though he felt as if he was just stating what they both already knew.

Her tongue stuck out of her mouth breaking his attention and giving him a brief moment of hope. Lydia had always done that when she was thinking and if she was thinking perhaps she would land on the realization of his feelings that colored everything to do with Lord Stanley, which colored the whole emotions of this conversation for him. That hope was quickly dashed once she had finally made her next statement solidifying the other man as her only option. Mikel's brow furrowed as she trailed off, it was now his turn to hold confusion. " But he is not the only option Lydia and it would not be turning him down on some whim, my feelings are not a whim." He shook his head as his words came out and almost blended with her next statement. Mikel waited for her to finish his sentences already having interrupted her. " I don't think that it is irrational at all, you are my best friend and I am yours, I feel we should care about who the other marries and I would never want to marry someone you did not truly want me to because I do trust you and I would trust that there was a reason you didn't want me to." He added trying to keep his tone even despite his emotions beginning to flare again.

The tone in which he spoke to her quickly had Lydia flinching away from him. In an instance she'd become exceedingly aware of her arm entwined in his. She could feel the warmth of his flesh beneath his coat and suddenly it was burning hot. She slid her arm away from his, interlocking it with her other in an effort to cradle her torso. As he continued, she scolded herself for thinking that he might be just as excited as she. He'd tried to warn her off of Lord Stanley, especially as of late. He'd said all manner of things about him, none of which had yet to be proven true. Despite Mikel's attempts to dissuade her, Lord Stanley had proven to be nothing but a gentleman.

The pout that had been on her lips became more prominent as she felt a burning sensation begin to tickle her nose. Lydia had never been much of a crier, but she'd also never seen this side of Mikel before. At least-- not directed at her. "What is so wrong with hope, Mikel? My father has no reason to decline him. He's a man of good standing and he CARES for me," she replied, though her voice faltered. It was hard to remain steadfast when Mikel was so confident that she was wrong. "You speak so often of his wrong-doings, how he's an unfit match for me, and yet he's never so much as raised his voice at me, nor spoken a mean word," she added. Her final statement was a clear implication that Mikel's behavior was, perhaps, unfair.

#lydia x mikel 001 #lydia x mikel

The distaste and disappointment that had seemingly swirled into a fury of sorts began to crumble. The realization that came with the way Lydia began to shrink away from him enough to bring him to a full halt. There were a lot of horrible things that Mikel would prefer to happen before seeing Lydia married to the likes of Lord Stanley, but none of them included the wish to see Lydia feeling unsafe or fearful, especially of him. Mikel raised the hand of his now free arm to his forehead pressing it in thought and embarrassment.

Despite the coverage he took in his attempts to think of a way out of what he had just done her question drew him out of it. His hand dropped and his eyes looked back to her, almost reaching for her face when he'd seen the tears that had swelled because of him. It was inappropriate though, in the sense of manners, but also because she had flinched from him and his touch could not respectfully be near her in the moment even if he wished to bring some comfort. " There is nothing wrong with hope Lydia," He paused, his response now a much softer tone almost a strained whisper. Before he continued she spoke again, defending Lord Stanley and through implication comparing his behavior to him and scolding it without directly saying so. His nose scrunched at the reminder of his poor behavior, he didn't intend for it to come towards her, he really didn't, but it had and his argument against the man faltered like her voice. "I just do not wish for him to be the reason for your hope, and even if your father's answer was a yes I do not wish for you to marry Lord Stanley." Mikel finally added, bringing his gaze directly to hers as he spoke again. " And maybe he has not given you proof of anything I have said, but why do you need it? Lydia, why is it not enough to say I do not think he should be the one you marry? I would never marry a woman you did not want me to."

The mention of their lessons had her cheeks flush with color. Though she did not respond to his teasing, she was certainly thinking about it. Their kiss had been on her mind since it'd happened. She'd asked him as a friend, but he'd kissed her like a lover might. It'd left her both dazed and confused. Worst of all, it had stirred up old feelings she'd only recently laid to rest. They hadn't spoken of it since, and things had been different between them for a while afterwards. Perhaps he regretted it, or was ashamed. But she couldn't think of that now-- not when she was about to announce her future husband.

His response confused her. Though she often struggled to discern social cues and expressions, she could tell he wasn't happy. He'd worked so hard to make her desirable, he should be proud of his efforts. He should be just as overjoyed as she that she'd finally managed to find a man who could look at her as anything other than a nuisance. "I don't understand," she responded, brows furrowed and lips ever so slightly pouting. "Of course I said yes. This is what we've been working for, is it not?"