Let’s get this out of the way: I stand with female dominants, including professional dominants. I support sex workers, and will not tolerate any shaming.
I can sympathize with them as well, having played almost exclusively on that side for a period of my life. They don’t deserve how I’ve seen them come under attack lately, as “not part of the lifestyle,” usually from the same folks who say “every time I talk to a mistress, they want me to pay to play.” I do feel bad for the decent, respectful guys this misunderstanding sometimes happens to. But for the FetLife fuck boys, here’s the deal:
“It was great seeing you at the munch! I would like to get to know you better and discuss a bondage scene, if you’re open to it. What references can I provide to make you feel more secure, and if you’re interested, what locations would you feel most comfortable meeting for a date?”
“omg please boss me around all day while i clean UR apartment and then tie me up and sit on my face thats like my biggest fantasy plz GODDESS ill wear a french maid costume for YOU and everything sissify me plzzz”
Now, which more closely resembles the message you sent to your local female d-type? I would be thrilled to receive the level of thoughtful consideration displayed in the first, from anyone on any side of the slash, but that simply isn’t the reality of being a woman in kink. Grammar and spelling aside, there’s still so much wrong with the second message.
“It’s just text-speak, you picky bitch.”
It’s minimum effort from someone trying to impress me, and I’m not impressed. Between my home, career, and kink life, the demand for my attention is substantial. I wasn’t standing in front of anyone, waiting for a response. With the absence of anticipation and pressure, work could’ve been put into this message that obviously wasn’t. I both expect and deserve better.
“But in the second example, the poor sub guy is just offering his services. There isn’t anything wrong with that.”
It isn’t service if the dominant doesn’t want it. Messages like this are nothing more than projecting your fantasies onto some poor woman on the internet. Do you know how long it would take to train someone to provide me the services I need handled daily to the standard I expect? In my home? Around my precious baby pit bulls? Teaching someone to serve me and meet my needs is work, and not energy I’m spending on just anyone.
“Pro dommes are not part of the community and shouldn’t be on Fet.”
Until I see people as upset about erotica authors within the community as I do professional dominants, I don’t think I can believe the discrimination is about anything aside from stigma around sex work and internalized misogyny. There is well-deserved space for professionals in this community, as folks who provide services to those in or curious about the lifestyle in a safe environment. They have skills that apply to our community, and thankfully are often willing to share them. Nobody is forcing you to interact with them.
“Most of the time I approach a female dominant, they expect me to pay to play.”
If you approach women like a fantasy vending machine, expect to insert coins. Kink doesn’t exist in a social vacuum, and we exist in a culture that’s made a habit of objectifying women. But if you keep commodifying sex and women’s sexuality, you’re going to have to pay the price, like every other product and service available.
It helps me a little more if you give my writing some love on FetLife, if you don’t mind. <3 https://fetlife.com/users/4415859/posts/6569191
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