Excerpts From A Book I'll Never Write

18 | writing from the soul

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

“Just be yourself”

Okay but who the fuck is that?

No really

I don’t know

I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while now

I’m kinda lost

Stuck between trying to remember who I was before this god damn depression

And trying to figure out who I’ve become because of it

I’m a mess

I know that much

But I can’t exactly go up to someone and say

“Hey I’m ______ and I’m a fucking mess”

That’s not exactly how it works

I don’t think

Who knew it could be so fucking hard to just be yourself?

- D.B.

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

damnit

I think I’m falling for you

- oh no not agin (d.b.)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

18

I think the reason that I’m a mess

That I’m completely lost

Is because I didn’t think I’d live this long

- d.b.

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

why do you only love me when you’re wasted?

- d.b. (no.. im not okay)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

i know you’re going to hurt me

but im going to love you anyway

- d.b. (why am i like this)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

stop

before we continue

you must know that i am soft

ive been hurt before

and i don’t intend on being hurt again

however i know it’s inevitable

but please

don’t call me special

don’t say im different

don’t say all these sweet words to me

if you don’t mean them

if you’re not going to do anything about it

how am i different

how am i special

“ill show you, watch”

well here i am

giving you my time

show me

but please

please

don’t hurt me

- d.b. (rough draft)

p.s. - you hurt me

[prosebyday]

maybe I’m not romantic, maybe, I’m just alone

Grazia Curcuru (via prosebyday)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

Once I was on a plane at night. I’m terrified of flying but the night seemed to calm me down, looking down at all the lights in the city, the cars moving, everything just seemed more alive. I also made sure to listen to all the calming music on my playlist. Then the thoughts came. Everything was blocked out except my music, which seemed to suddenly intensify, and the city lights below me. “We’re in love,” screamed the beautiful voice into my ears setting my heart on fire. It was that moment music had really touched my soul in such an incredible, amazing way. Maybe it was from lack of sleep or maybe it was something else, but I started to cry. But not tears of sadness, tears of happiness. In that moment I had never felt more in love. My heart felt like it could explode with happiness, my soul was overflowing with feelings for him. How ridiculous I was, crying over how much I loved someone. How crazy.. But how beautiful. He didn’t know how many songs I had secretly dedicated to him, how many quotes, how much I adored him. He didn’t know how much I thought about him and his hazel eyes which could captivate you within seconds and his stunning smile that set my soul on fire. Looking out at the world I felt intoxicated with these rare feelings of utter happiness. I had completely forgotten about the plane, my fear of flying, my fear of anything. My mind was on him, and only him. I wanted nothing more than to travel the world with this boy at my side. He is my forever.

——–

He didn’t even know about what I wrote for him. I never showed him. I never told him. He didn’t know about that night on the plane when my love for him triumphed over my fears, where I decided to love him forever. To never let go.. And I didn’t. I didn’t let go. But he sure did.

- I’m Okay Now (D.B.)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

Immortality is what happens when love conquers time – when a person's ability to love others and to act in pure love and goodness stretches beyond death to live forever in the heart of the human race.

Britney Ryan

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

Isn't is sad That the people that break you heart and hurt you Are never your enemies..? - D.B.

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

I don't feel like myself anymore I'm colder Harsher More judgmental Less trusting Suspicious of everyones motives I go from 0-100 in a blink of an eye I don't want to be this way But I am And I don't know how to change it But I also don't know if I want to Because I've been this person for such a long time If I ever tried to change I'd be lost And I don't want to be lost again - Who Am I (D.B.)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

You didn’t really love them You were just lonely

- Heartbreak (D.B.)

[gold-flamingo-deactivated201810]

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

I wish you had loved me like you said you did - D.B.

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

I want to say I've never been in love That I've never looked at someone and seen them as my world That I didn't lay awake at night fantasizing about our life together and planning our future I want to pretend I never was in love That when you held my hand it was just a simple gesture and nothing more That when you hugged me it was just for comfort And that was all But I was in love I was so in love with you When you held my hand I never wanted to let go When you hugged me I not only was comforted I felt like I was home when I was in your arms I was so in love with you we planned a future together You said forever and always and I believed you Because I was so in love with you.. I want to say I've never been in love Because the way you played me so good And hurt me so bad You really fucking hurt me But to say I've never been in love Would be a lie And unlike you I wouldn't lie about loving you - It Still Hurts (D.B.)

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

Rainbow

You You are the rainbow You are red That’s the color you were wearing when we first met, do remember that? It was the color my face turned when you told me I was beautiful And the color I turned when you asked me out But It’s also the color I saw when you got angry Screaming and pounding your fists against the walls You are orange That’s the color of the flower you gave me on our first date You told me you didn’t get me roses because you knew I liked things that were different But It’s also the color I saw you wearing when you called me to go visit you in jail You said teens do stupid things And that it would never happen again You are yellow That’s how you made me feel whenever you smiled Your eyes would twinkle and I would feel alive and warm inside But It’s also The color that you made me see whenever you got mad And I don’t want to say much more than that You are green That’s the color of your eyes The color of the meadow we sat in and confessed our feelings to each other But It’s also how you made me feel when you said those four words “we need to talk” You are blue That’s the color of your walls “Just like the color of the skies” you said But It’s also how you make me feel When you don’t text back You are purple That’s your favorite color It was the color of your bow at prom But It’s also The color of the bruises you left me When you stranded me on the street You.. You are the colors of the rainbow.. And I.. I am not

- D.B.

[coveryour-crystaleyes]

Dark

You get used to being sad all the time The numbness The darkness of it all It’s normal Then one day you become happy It’s good, bright, the black hole in your stomach is replaced with flowers And color And light But the sad always come back When it does it hits you like a truck The black hole is back and the flowers die The colors fade It devours all the light inside of you But this time you aren’t numb You can feel everything, and that makes it much worse than before Sometimes you see the light again and you chase it You would do anything for it But right when you get close enough and leap, it always slips out of your grasp And you go falling down and down for what seems an eternity.

- And Then It Starts All Over Again (D.B.)