Coza Makes It Beautiful

There is precious little to do (in these crazy times) except learn how to hold contradictions...and gracefully while we're at it. Making It Beautiful is so far the only way I know how to do that. Beauty encompasses tragedy and miracle, joy and despair, divine intervention and debilitating confusion. Here we hold the good and the painful, welcoming all emotions for no other purpose except to ensure the buoyancy of our own hearts <3

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

dating, it’s not for me

i prefer to connect & investigate than to swipe right and sniff around

i am choosing to take the seth godin approach to life of: ‘better not more’ and apply it to the romantic, sexual areas of my life

for example, i have a ‘forever person’ and quite believe everyone should have one

he is a friend for life, a lover, a deep life long connection, a kindred soul

he’s married now, and that’s ok

he and i didn’t speak all those years i was trying to create a life with someone else

just the other week we laughed at how amazing it would be to retire together

in 30 years from now to spend months of our lives on a cruise ship, catching up on our ripened lives, rediscovering each other’s bodies, feeding each other’s soul

i love my forever person in a way that i was never sure i could; without any expectation, demands or conditions

we orbit around each other when it’s time, otherwise we send occasionally signals from afar signaling a reminder of love, a call for comfort or to send an intergalactic hug

i have decided to not date but to connect

rather than to go on 2 tinder dates a week, i would prefer to wait 

wait a few months and plan a getaway, have a whole weekend, really get properly emotionally fed...instead of living off crumbs alone

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

how unkind is it to not acknowledge my own stature

to not recognize my weight and size

to not see that even a swing of my tail can make broken glass rain 

playing small

pretending i don’t know

thinking it’s all futile

converts a potentially perfect ecosystem into an uncontrolled mess

causing wide spread confusion

others don’t know how to handle me

i don’t know how to handle it

and everything spins

of course, the answer is utterly counter-intuitive

the answer is

lean in

look the beast in the eye

the center of it’s retina, the core of its soul

look in

all the way IN

let myself FALL in

JUMP in

surrender to the beast

and feel it from the inside

LIVE from the core of my beast

use the gifts of it’s potency and power

puppeteer it from the inside

let myself be seen in my truest form

i am not for everybody

but for some; i’m the only one

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

no matter what is given to me, I turn it into magic

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

our time together scorched the surface of my soul

everything burned so bright and hot that it seemed nothing was left

the landscape of my mind, body and soul were ravaged and decimated

then ridiculed for it’s apparent bankruptcy

again, it’s apparent bankruptcy

are sand dunes less resourceful than waterfalls?

do lush green canopies provide more fortitude than the rolling hills of the desert?

can anyone really say the jungle is more abundant?

or does it take special eyes to see the strength, power and prosperity of that which thrives in a way unique to it’s essence

water is to be found in the desert, one must look deeper

plants grown and thrive in the desert, one must look deeper

many living beings cover such barren landscapes, one must look deeper

the jungle promises fresh air

the jungle promises soft places to fall

the jungle promises shelter

the jungle hosts a cacophony of beings and creatures

the jungle however, is not without darkness

photosynthesis causes much competition amongst plant-life

creating in the jungle a canopy a thick, dark, cold and nearly impenetrable space at the root of it’s soul

is the jungle better than the desert?

do I really lack self worth & self love 

or am I like the desert where I can withstand the burn and still be resourceful?

still be alive

still be an ecosystem

still be a force to be reckoned with

strip my landscape into dust and STILL I will rise

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

faith

It’s so strange to feel anxious but not afraid

I almost let myself forget the sound of the drums

It’s time. Time to move. There’s a call that needs answering

This drum has successfully beckoned me several times already

And yet this time it’s different

For the first time the desperate need for exploration is not about geography, it’s about soul work.

The gps coordinates are optional this time around. This is all about presence and routine. 

3 weeks from now, I don’t have a place to live, no income and no savings

I am hurling myself into the arms of the universe at lightning speeds

Peering over the edge, strong winds blowing on my face and in my hair

Everything feels the same, but different and it will drastically change even more

Few things have turned out as I planned, or hoped

Yet I'm still not afraid. Still recklessly optimistic 

Which will be manifested? Which will come to light?

Will the anxiety that I carry cause enough hesitation that I prevent myself from taking a full big leap. Will I wobble and therefore fail. Or am I better for having even ventured to the other side?

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

chrysalis soup

2017 is yet another year of change, death and rebirth.

Last year, I had a functional nervous breakdown. Functional because I could not afford to stop working and nervous breakdown because I watched myself wither and atrophy. 

Relentlessly faced gut wrenching life lessons even though I was desperately retreating from the world waiting and waiting for the hurt to stop.

I've been here before. On my hands and knees. Face covered in dirt. I can’t deny the suspicion of a slight martyr complex. This time though it’s taken a team. A team of people that are generously giving of their time, energy and compassion to help me heal. Some days I doubt it’s working. All these people that I love so much and try so hard but they are not him. 

Human nature is one hell of a thing. The wide range of emotions, actions, motivations, needs, literally weaves our fascia together from which we extract our universe. I can understand that he might have wanted to leave. I can understand wanting life experiences and being overwhelmed by the enormity of life. The enormity of breaking free. Traveling. Being a new person. But I can’t seem to swallow all the insult to injury. Viciousness and callousness was at the core of so many of his behaviors. Eventually he got tired of pretending and let it all out. Stopped pretending he cared and blatantly flew his freak flag. And I let him. 

Hearing my friends and my therapists agree that I let him and that I now need to let go and move on always seems to land like a hammer on my foot. Again, I would hardly notice the injury that others sometimes bestow onto me had it not been for the very few that do understand. For those that when the hear the story take a moment to pause in compassion for the experience and the experiencer. I do have some of those human gems in my life, and they are my anchors to goodness, love and generosity.

The unspeakable amount of faith required for a caterpillar to hide away under a leaf, create it’s own universe in which it completely dies. Full disintegration. Liquid. Soup. Do caterpillars feel pain? Do they hesitate? Is there any awareness as to what comes next or is it a level of surrender that is indescribable?

Never more than now do I feel like soup. My friends and health care team, the chrysalis. Soon more molecules will convert from liquid into matter. Not long now and there will be air fluttering under my wings. 

I wonder what color my wings will be. I just hope they don’t have any holes in them.

[cozamakesitbeautiful]

[cozamakesitbeautiful]