I just got back from watching the trainwreck that was Nine Lives and my friendâs girlfriend said it couldnât be worse than the Grumpy Cat movie. I took this as a challenge. God help my poor soul
Oh Lord, so Grumpy Cat Ltd. is a company.
And Aubrey Plaza is in this. I lived her in Parks & Rec, but sheâs a fucking cat and I can already tell this will be a load of pain. Iâve cracked open a beer to help. Letâs see if she or Kevin Spacey is a better animated cat
The title card legitly uses meme font. Oh dear god. And itâs an opening monologue with Aubrey Plaza
And the catâs in a car chase.
Aubrey sounds pretty unenthusiastic. How much did they pay you?
The title cards have Christmas wrapping paper with grumpy cat over âhippopotomous for Christmas.â Help.
She sure is grumpy. Iâll give her that. Cat is damn cynical. Cat is CGIâd in front of things. Oh god.
GC is in a pet store. Lady walks in and all the animals are like âchoose me!â There is a talking snake named Carla who has a russian accent. They just have animal shots with human voice overs for them. Dear god. This might be worse than I anticipated. Parrot sounds like Stewie from family guy. Gerbil is named Lance and it has a âstreetâ accent. Black almost, borderline insensitive.Â
Guy comes into store and legitlys is like âIâm gonna make her the most famous internet meme.â Look guys, I like meme culture, but⊠And then it cuts to shots of Grumpy Cat in this pink fluffy chair and this celebrity-lie guy is taking pictures of her, and ughâŠ
It got super meta for a bit. They were like âthey should caption it with all these things like âI had fun once, It was awful, â so conveniently placed on the screen just like it would look in a meme and then they talked about all this merch GC could generate and even mentioned a Lifetime movie (HA GET IT, ITâS META).
And our first reference to Piano cat and thereâs also Nyan cat, because LOL INTERNET, AMIRIGHT GUYS??
Guy offers a million for GC to become an internet meme.
Ok what the fuck, so they cut to fucking Aubrey Plaza after introducing the hero and are like âhaha, second billing behind meâ as she takes off the headphones while recording into the microphone. This meta humor is like Abed from Community wrote his own movie.
Santa just called a kid fat. Fat shaming will not be tolerated, Santa!
Two characters, a blonde woman in flannel and a guy dressed as an elf meet for dinner and talk. Ah, our first characters. But then GC comes in as an animated Cupid with her head and is like âblah blah, not my lineâ and making sarcastic comments. Can you say⊠trying too hard?
Daughter? I guess of blonde lady tells her in front of this guy that heâs been trying to ask her out for a month. When can I have this happen to me? Itâs better than my strategy of sitting back and hoping something good happens.
Side note, Angel City Pilsner beer is delicious. My dad gave me a few bottles cause it had too much wheat for him and Iâm glad he did. Would drink again
Teenage daughter helps out at the pet store, is a little awkward socially. And she sees the âpopular kidsâ in school. Two white girls and the token black girl character, it seems.
Apparently thereâs a couple in a rock band and one is looking for a wedding ring. One guy starts singing in the middle of the store. Ugh. TIL rock stars search for wedding rings in shopping malls. Blonde guy with long hair is the lead singer and the other guy is the bassist and theyâre supposed to be really dumb. Itâs like, theyâre trying comedy and failing horribly.  Just⊠At least Nine Lives had the sort of cheap, light-hearted comedy and somehow that failing horrible was a little more tolerable than trying to land outrageous comedy and crashing the plane of funny.
Older mall cop is now hitting on this lady at the perfume department in the mall. Please no. I donât need this romance in my life. Donut ask her out, officer, amIright? Later on, he also sees rock stars and has staredown with them.
Teenage daughter doesnât fit in and Santa of all people consoles her. The mall Santa. He gives her a magical Christmas coin. She wishes for a Christmas friend and throws coin into well and it has this magical light and sound effects, so you know itâs actually magical and shit
Comes  back and GC is on a phone and she says sheâs âlive tweetingâ her own movie and says people should do it too. Then teenager walks into store.
Snake and rat have a conversation. Ugh. Iâm not sure how much of this I can do without more alcohol, but itâs also 10:30, I have class tomorrow, and only a limited amount of beer and wine to choose from and Iâm too poor to buy a lot more
Owner now says he loves his big dog cause his wife died. Enter melodrama and also sarcastic commentary from GC.
Teenager now can hear GC, they talk. They donât even put any effort into making the animals look like theyâre talking. At least they do that in A Talking Cat, no matter how shitty it looks (No, Iâm not watching that one tonight)
Teenager (Crystal)now realizes she can hear GC because of wish and talks, of course, right in front of the âpopular girls.â Apparently the Santa who gave her the coin is from a mall that closed already.
Cut to Christmas party. Crystal stands in corner and then thereâs this orb with GC and sheâs like âcome back to meâ and Iâm like, damn, youâre needy GC. so she sneaks into a closed mall alone in the middle of the night. Arenât her parents like concerned or anything?
Also, thereâs robbers at the mall with skull-like bandanas over their faces they probably stole from Hot Topic on their last run. Oh, it actually makes sense since theyâre the rock and roll guys. Wait, why the fuck would rock and roll stars try to steal shit from a mall if they thought an $8000 wedding ring was too much. Theyâve tied the mall cop up and gotten the master keys to the mall. They went into the pet shop arguing about Van Halen. They like Van Hagar? Fucking casuals. Everyone knows David Lee Roth is the best singer of Van Halen. They steal the prized dog that the owner had.
Oh, so the PET STORE is the only place Crystal can feel accepted? Alright then. Apparently they need the dog to stay in business or something.
Cut to possible future in which GC is thrown on the streets and running from cops until sheâs taken into the shelter and rejected by a nice Muslim family and put down by a doctor by apparently putting laughing gas in her. Â I wish I was making this up
Cut back to GC in a gray beanie. Rockers left keys back in the pet store and theyâre arguing over whoâs the bassist and what not and the roles in the band. They go back and realize GC is gone with Crystal and chase her because she has the keys
GC just played with a fish hook and brought down a whole tower of march. . They find refuge in a tent. Oh, and they pulled off the whole âdressed like a mannequin and they donât notice itâ trope.
OH SHIT, Crystal found the paintball supplies and is dressed in camo and shoots rockers in the ass. Good god. Dog runs away as they get pelted. Even GC sits behind paintball gun and fires at guys, with running commentary as to how realistic this would be and sheâs dressed in a top hat and bow tie in one part.
Aubrey Plaza actually somewhat works for the cat. Itâs not as bad as I wouldâve thought. Sheâs seemed a bit more enthusiastic since the beginning.
So far this is better than Nine Lives, but only somewhat. Less painful and predictable. Though humor often fails, it works better than in Nine Lives and is so far a bit more enjoyable. A higher percentage of the jokes are landing, though itâs still not as well done. A bit charming in its cringiness instead of straight pain that was Nine Lives.
Rocker finds bow and arrow and shoots himself in the foot and starts screaming like heâs at a rock concert. These are the dumbest, most bumbling bad guys ever. They run into each other holding frying pans while trying to escape paintball fire. Crystal throws keys into same fountain she flipped the coin into earlier in the film.
Halfway through this disaster and I guess they felt the need to recap it so far in the voice of GC like youâd get on a âpreviously onâ segment of the show before it starts again
Big âol doggo is found by the mallâs landlord and then the rockers jump him and the dog runs away while they mistake him for the girl. Bassist punches guy in face and recoils in pain.
Crystal finds tied up mall cop and dog conveniently walks in. Actress who plays Crystal is actually pretty decent for starring in a Lifetime film.
Rockers hold landlord over second floor railing he says heâll comply because company wants pet store to be gone.
Commercial and itâs back to GC dressed up as a king in front of a palace and Iâm not entirely sure, but that looks a lot like one of the palaces I saw in Munich. God, I miss Germany. Iâd rather be there than here in Davis watching crappy cat movies, but here I am.
Crystalâs dad left her mom for a barista and wants to get married, apparently. Getting a bit sappy. Very self aware, as GC says she expected this from Lifetime movie.
Mall cop says he wonât call the police and turns on Crystal. She kicks him in the balls and runs away as he takes a call from his mother, who offers him a ride home. He also never walks anywhere and just rides his little scooter all over the mall. In different hands, this movie actually might be funny, buuuutttt⊠Itâs like the Star Wars Episode 2 of holiday cat films. Ideas are ok, execution is pretty fucking bad.
And the holiday party from like 40 minutes ago is still going on. Has no one realized the teenage daughter is gone yet? I mean, Iâve third-wheeled with a parent before and it kinda sucks and I would want to get out of there too, but wouldnât they have noticed sheâs gone though?
Yeah buddy: Goinâ in for the kill saying flat out he likes the blonde lady (Crystalâs mom?) Meanwhile at the mall, GC, the dog, and Crystal are cornered by rockers & mall cop. Mall cop wants the dog because he needs $$$. He threatens to hurt GC and throw her in the trash compactor. Getting some Episode 4 flashbacks
Now GC talks about how the Lifetime producers now want her to do a sequel and now it cuts to her in a suit and tie in front of a red theater curtain and her talking about her product line jokingly, but sorta not jokingly at the same time. Just no.
Flash forward to possible future and it shows Mr. Crabtree (the owner) paying rockers the ransom money and the worst part is one of them is wearing one of those stupid horse head masks, but a unicorn. Another delightful LOL internet moment, right????
Crystal is sad and crying and GC decides itâs time to talk to her. Now hereâs the cheesy, sappy part of the film. GC relates getting bought and returned, trying to restore her faith in humanity.
âyouâre full of love Crystalâ -GC, as cheesy music plays. Pls stop. Now a warm, sort of fuzzy montage of Crystalâs family as GC tells her her mother loves her and all the people in her life that love her and how great of a person she is.
GC ends by deciding she adopts Crystal and is on âteam Grumpy,â and declares all the other animals in the store are too and itâs met with cheers as inspirational music plays. This is painful.
GC gets out and opens all the other petsâ cages and they free Crystal, who was tied to the chair. Some of this is a LIIIITTTLE unrealistic
Snake distracts mall cop and then small dog is like âoh look, crotch!â (actual quote) and jumps onto his crotch. Again, Iâm not making any of this up. Just saw a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where this happens too, though Larry David did it much better.
Crystal assaults him with a rake and sheâs like âHI-YAAAAAAHHHHâ and âI got free with a little help from my friends!â So sheâs like a modern Snow White or something.
Cut to the Xmas party and people are playing carols on kazoos. More romance between Crystalâs mom and that guy, Crystal finally calls her and tells her to come over.
Crystal goes to the rescue on mall copâs motorbike. Reminds me of the âreaching speeds of 3â joke from MST3Kâs Space Mutiny episode.
Ok, what the fuck. So Crystal turns around and sheâs faced down with a muscle car. Thatâs driven by Grumpy Cat. No, Iâm not kidding. Like, GC has both paws on the wheel and sheâs like, âbut how can you drive if youâre a cat?â but it doesnât matter because she gets in the car and it speeds off, but stops when Crystal points out GC canât reach the pedals and then they go back to the motor scooter. This is just ridiculous. Why did I do this to myself?
GC talks Crystal into driving the Camero, even though sheâs like 12. Crystal does a shit job and destroys the Santa display. And now sheâs driving though the mall in a Camero. Itâs like a really shitty homage to Blues Brothers. They make it outside and like, drive in circles around the 3 bad guys in another car, just as mother and elf guy show up.
And now theyâre playing chicken, but with the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme playing. Ennio Morricone, Iâm so sorry your brilliant work is being used in this way.
They do chicken  and bad guys crash. Crystal stops just before Christmas display and GC goes flying from car (fucking how?) and lands in the Christmas tree in a cheesy fashion.
And the denouement⊠Cops come and arrest mall cop and rockers. Mom shows up
âMom, you told me you wanted to make friends, just never with whoâ she said as she holds up GC. No. They think GC is her imaginary friend or some shit.
Pet shop owner shows up and thanks him. Cut to landlord whoâs still, I guess, tied up to a candy cane on the mallâs second floor.
And itâs Christmas morning. Nothingâs under the tree and Crystal says she wishes she could adopt GC. Mom brings over Christmas wreath from mantle and, of course, GC is in it. Ugh.
