Dear Craiggie,
I suffer from a gastrointestinal complaint and this morning I had a very stressful poo. I sat on the toilet for nearly an hour while flesh-eating acid and hot asphalt rained out of me. I thought it would never end. When the dust settled, my bathroom smelled like continental breakfast at a hotel with no pool and no room service and whose vending machines are a) filled with sunflower seeds and b) not functional. My doctor says I should eat more hearty greens and try to avoid processed foods, but I don’t want to. What should I do?
Much love,
Decidedly Diarrhetic
Dear Watery Asshole,
Your pain yields me great throbbing swathes of pleasure. Please feast on burritos and plastic chicken, and get used to a life of pain. I hope you get trapped in a roller disco in an unfamiliar country, and you can’t rollerskate, and nobody there speaks English, and you are punished for your ignorance and are forced to void your bowels right in the middle of the floor.
Love,
Craiggie Dimples, Prince of Darkness