I have taken time away to reflect on my actions and process all of what had happened over the course of the last few days. It was a highly emotional situation, and one that left me deeply upset and frustrated, and how I reacted based on those emotions, upon introspection, was not okay.
I shamed individuals for the danger of posting to their blogs publicly, and emphasized how they had a responsibility should anything come of that. I did that publicly. Which was entirely hypocritical of me. This was a situation that required more grace and tact, and while I attempted to act in a way I thought met that idea, on reflection no, I did not. I should have privately told each of these blogs my upset and never aired the matter to the world. It was tactless, without thought, and came from a place of hurt. To all of those blogs, I sincerely, and deeply apologize because I personally hurt you, and there is no excuse for doing that. That any anons, followers, or individuals used my post to justify harassment or abuse to you, I want you to know I wholeheartedly do not support that, and do not claim any followers who do this. The hurt that I helped to spread was not okay, and I am saddled with guilt and worry over what I have done to your mental health. There is nothing I can do to fix this situation, I cannot take back what I have already said, and I understand that I am deserving of no response or forgiveness.
I also want to apologise deeply for my use of the hashtag ‘Gaz Erasure My Ass’. Two blogs were correct to call me out on the use of it, and the moment they made it apparent how it came across I was appalled and horrified at myself, because they were right. It comes across as racist and flippant to the racist treatment of Gaz, and it makes me appear as though I am justifying it and encouraging the poor treatment of a person of colour. While this was not my intention, it was callous, disrespectful, and vile on my part to have used that tag without thinking about how it will be used to justify prejudice and discrimination. You were right to have called me out, I deeply regret it, I am appalled at myself, and I will be removing that tag from my posts because I do not want to spread it more than it already has been thanks to myself. Thank you for pointing this behaviour out to me, it was thoughtless, and I have learned for the better to be more mindful of my words and actions, to ensure they represent myself and to prevent harm within the community. I am sorry.
Lastly, while I may seem gullible for believing that someone has been hurt without evidence, I admittedly would rather be gullible, as I feel to write off someone, anyone’s hurt, no matter how little, would make me feel complicit and guilty should something have actually happened.
Hurting someone, regardless of intent, is never okay, and should always be followed by an apology.
Again, I want to emphasise to every blog who was hurt, I am so deeply apologetic for my actions and the harm they have caused you. It weighs heavily on my conscious that I have caused this, and in no way, shape, or form was it alright of me to do. It was hypocritical, rude, and a demeaning public dress-down that should not have occurred. I do not ask for your forgiveness, as I do not know if I am even deserving of it, but I do emphasise that you know I do feel immense responsibility for anything that happened.
That being said, I will be leaving the platform indefinitely as my behaviour has been uncouth and deplorable, and I should spend time reflecting on it and trying to better myself.
I sincerely hope you all have support systems, family, friends, and loved ones during this, as not one person should ever suffer alone.
