Gubba nub nub doo rahkah @crescentnebulalala - Tumblr Blog

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Traveled with the almost strangers, done! I found my vocabulary and sentence structure are too lack in the topic about trip and scenery. Today is quite late, gonna try to write it down tomorrow. Don't have time for extra study for two days, so I must post to do list for tomorrow here to motivate me to do more.

Huge step, finished all of the things on the to do list even with all the interruptions from random stuff. No procrastination! Tomorrow I'm taking a trip to a nearby city, won't have much time to study CS, but interacting with more people is also a part of plan for self improvement. Barely talked to anyone last year, almost made me lose the ability to talk.

I usually don't enjoy travel, especially with strangers. Probably because of some childhood trauma, and I only know one of the four people in tomorrow's little travel group. They are two couples, I'm not sure whether this is a good idea, but since they invited me, I decided to go anyway. Something old me definitely wouldn't do. Maybe a little trip will help me forget that disastrous relationship.

If FS wasn't in this city, I might have chosen another city at the beginning. Now I've been here for a month. He hasn't seen me once. No one would treat a friend like this, let alone a girlfriend. Have no idea how long it'll take me to stop feeling awful when thinking about him or how long it'll take me to truly forget him. I've brought him snacks from our hometown, prepared anniversary flowers, and his birthday gift... none of them got the chance to give him. The first gift, I ate it myself; the second one, I planted myself and it already wilted; the third one is still on my desk. Maybe I should throw it out, but I am living paycheck to paycheck now, and it's difficult to give things away. sigh

I admit I'm not in my best self for a relationship. I admit I have low self esteem in recent years. I have so many flaws, don't have an attractive personality, my mental health is shaky, and have no promising future... He has enough reason to regret his deeds... but why couldn't he at least end this properly? Why did he choose the worst way? Give me hope, smash it all, make me waste time guessing his thoughts every day for months, swinging from hope to anguish... as if I have the energy to deal with it, as if I don't have enough on my plate. I guess even I don't deserve this treatment. Need someone to hit me with an obliviate to end this loop!

My attention span has recovered enough for me to focus for hours, but I still have big problems with time management. I get too caught up in one task and avoid the harder ones.

Squeeze time every day to learn CS on my own. My major isn’t related to CS, and many people say it's too late to start now, especially since even CS majors struggle to find jobs. The job market is severe, not promising at all, especially with AI doing a lot of basic coding.

But...I just want to learn. hate using a computer every day without knowing how it works. It makes me feel like a muggle. CS feels like magic to me. knowing how to code can do so many things. It would make me feel powerful, like I have an army even when I'm alone. It would make me less afraid of the world.

Whether I can get a job in CS or not doesn't matter. If I don’t learn, I will never erase this thing from my mind. So, even though nobody around me supports it, I’ll still try.

I will try the technique of doing the most difficult thing in the morning first. Tomorrow's challenge: finish everything on the to do list!

Can't remember how many days have passed, but I finally accepted the truth that I've truly been dumped. It hurts more than I thought it would, but I survived. My English is too weak to fully express my grief. Writing feels unnatural and takes three times longer than in my native language. I really should write every day if I truly want to achieve a C2 level. I will force myself to write more.

Regarding my toxic relationship with FS, I knew it was over weeks ago in my rational mind. I knew it was a dangerous situation even before he started ghosting me. That kiss was just on a whim for him. He didn't expect me to embrace the relationship. I was ridiculous, holding onto false hope for so long. I kept finding excuses for him: he was too busy, he didn't have enough experience in relationships, he was insecure, he had his own trauma, he needed to hide in his cave… But now, even as dullness as I can see that I've been dumped.

He took advantage of my vulnerable time and made me blame myself for being clingy. I'm not clingy at all! Why did it take me months to realize he's an asshole? Because he said I was too stubborn for demanding an explanation or at least a note when he suddendly disappeared! He made me believe it was my fault for caring about him after he said he almost died! He made me believe I was prying into his privacy just for wanting to know more about him!

What made this worse was reading a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It made me confused about this toxic relationship. It kept stressing that men need space, men need a cave, men need self-healing, and that confiding is not in their nature… So I took the blame, respected his privacy, contained myself from asking his reasons whenever he disappeared, and held back when I wanted to share my life. What did I get in return? Soft ghosting.

He told me the reasons he broke up with his ex: she didn't respond to his messages for a long time and when she did, she asked for money. He couldn't bear that, but he did the exact same thing to me. I was just being nice, not wanting to give him a hard time. I thought it was unfair to refuse him because of his balding. It's not his fault, it's not a big deal. I know he was troubled by this, so the last thing I could do was not to use it to attack him. Just because he's an asshole doesn't mean I should be one too. Oh, it's not the same, he is worse than his ex!

He didn't care about my well being when I came to the new city where he had stayed for five years! He didn't care whether I had a place to live or not. I found excuses for him, thinking he was busy with work, and I had told him I was doing this to grow up. He once accused me of being immature. So I wanted to prove to him that I could handle these things by myself. I thought he didn't show up when I was moving because he wanted to give me a chance to be a capable adult. But how wrong I was! He didn't care about me at all!

He retreated step by step, taking hours, days, then weeks to answer me. Oh gosh, I was justifying his ghosting. I hate myself for being addicted to him! When I wished him a happy anniversary, he only responded with a meme. When I shared a game with him, he answered with a meme. When I asked if he was in trouble, he answered with a meme. Then, I invited him to hang out, and he only answered with two words: "no time." Oh, stupid me, I still told him when I was available, but I got no reply. He just left me there without any explanation.

He is the villain who started this relationship, and he pushed me to say the ending words to avoid being the bad guy. What's worse is that many details made me believe he at least liked my personnality even when I was still with his friend. He remembered what beverage I drank years ago, asked my ex about my social account, and helped me with my math exercises, comfort me when I broke up with his friend. Why on the earth did he do this to me?!

I liked him because he is intelligent and achieved something I lost, he kind of fulfilled my childhood dream. I thought he was compassionate and could show empathy, which his friend lacked. He showed up during the worst period of my life when everything was falling apart. That passionate kiss was like an unexpected gift, giving me false comfort that even in a terrible time, someone saw my value and that I was still worthy of love. But now? An asshole is an asshole. I woke up from this dream, and it hurts even more. May shitty people get their karma!

I lost the chance to study abroad because of Covid, failed the postgraduate exam multiple times, and it cost me a lot. I finished my two bachelor's degrees with my last breath of strength and then totally burned out, becoming non functional for a year. Covid cost everyone something, but I am the only one trapped within my friend group. All of them either found good jobs or enrolled in top grad schools. I have no one to pour out. My time has stopped. I'm the worst one. After treating myself like a plant for a long time, I managed to recover enough to decide to make myself better.

Today was quite great. I finished tasks I couldn't even think about in the last two years. Almost finished all the items on my to-do list. May someday I can become a person I love, may someday I can say I'm proud of myself. Life sucks, but I'm going to make the most of this time alone.

Day20

Not much has changed compared to yesterday, but finding this podcast is really soothing my anxiety.

#Spotify

Day19

Hope this is the last time I say I've made some progress but far from satisfying...

Day 18

Indeed some progress, but not enough, gonna do more tomorrow.

Day17

About yesterday, brought some mini succulent plants to light up this rented apartment. planned just to take a nap after going back. But when I woke up it was already today's morning.

It's OK. Won't blame myself for this kind of thing anymore. Just try to be as efficient as I can today. Decided to do the most difficult thing in the morning, sure I'll make some progress today.

And my so called bf hasn't contacted me for six days. So I'll call him fs now, familiar stranger. And why didn't I initiate a conversation? Tired of getting cold shoulder. Why didn't I just tell him I wanted to break up? Just an experiment, I guess he has difficulty in bringing up break up, always letting girls say that. I won't help. Besides being in this relationship helped me to cure my codependence problem.

Day16

Another failure day. I feel like I betrayed myself. I thought I would be an entirely new person after renting a place in a new city. But I'm wrong. I still can't focus on the truly important things, the only thing I do is pretend to make progress. Even if that can be called 'tiny progress' It's definitely not enough to help me make ends meet next month.

Day15

Read several chapters of Meditations, being more tolerate of the world.

'' To show intuitive sympathy for friends, tolerance to amateurs and sloppy thinkers''

Day14

Sad sad sad. Unproductive day. Can't be like this tomorrow

Day 13

Spent too much time being amazed by o4, Wondering what traditional career would be left in 10years

Day12

Busy with moving in. Didn't rent an apartment with elevator. Carried all of the stuff to the fifth floor. Neckache, backache, armache, legache. Oh gush, I'm so lack of exercise!

Day 11

Rent an apartment. Done. Gonna write more when I am recharged.

Day 10

Exhausted.

Day9

Felt a bit emotional on the train, but got better once truly arrived. Right now, living in a hotel because the landlord ditched me and rented the apartment to someone else. The three days in this hotel cost half a month's rent for the apartment. I have to choose between finding a new apartment within two days or sleep on the street, I guess. I've contacted five landlords to meet with. Tomorrow gonna be a tough day.

Bright side, still managed to learn something more about math and Python.

Day 8

Extremely busy day. Packaged a bunch of things for tomorrow's adventures in the new city. Learned more about math, Python, grammar, and vocabulary than yesterday. Good luck for tomorrow!

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