cr(H)inge

Contimplating my love life... or lack there of

[crhinge]

I guess this is a book blog now

Since I work in education, I get the delightful treat every summer of having extended time off. Time to relax. Time to explore. And time to read. Reading is currently what I am spending most of my time doing, so instead of writing a mediocre post about my love life (extremely boring & uneventful), I’ve decided to write about my current love: reading. 

I must admit: 2020 was not my year for reading, and as I continue to grow, reading has become a priority to me. About a month ago, I reached out to all of my favorite people in the world to find out what their favorite books were. What better way to get back into reading than reading everyones favorite book, right? Wrong. 

See heres the thing: everyone’s “favorite” book, is usually some dense, long, intense novel that requires a high level of concentration and time. 

Some examples of what came up: 

Shantaram - 936 pages, the story of an escaped convict who flees Australia and enters Bombay. 

Pillars of the earth - 976 pages, the tale of a 12th century Monk building a gothic cathedral. 

Atlas Shrugged - 1078 pages, I’ve read the synopsis three times and still have no idea what this is about.

The Bible - My God 

You get it. While I hope to read all of these eventually, these are not some easy reads to pick up by the pool. What I discovered after attempting to dive into one of these books is that I need to ease my way back into reading. I need to start with some easy, fun, summer reads, before diving into the Shantarams of the world. So what is the easiest, and most fun genre to read: YA. 

I love YA. At 26 years old, I am a YA feen and I don’t care who knows it. Over the past two weeks, I have devoured six YA books and I’ve never been happier. There is something so hopeful and joyous about a classic coming of age story. I love reading from the adolescent perspective which is so innocent and charming. So without further ado, here is a belief review (that no one ask for) from the books I have read so far: 

All the Bright Places - 4/5. Trigger warning for anyone who struggles with mental health or suicidal ideation. The story of two teenagers falling in love in the midst of trauma. Violet recently lost her sister in a car accident, and Finch is struggling with (what I assume to be) undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Very much enjoyed this book, but the character of Violet fell a little flat to me. I found myself only wanting to read from Finch’s perspective. 

Simon vs the Homosapien Agenda - 4/5 It was a rainy afternoon, and I wanted to pick up an easy read that was predictable and could be read in one evening. This did not disappoint and was exactly what I was looking for. Story of a closeted teenager as he falls in love with a boy over email that he has never met before. 100% better than the movie. 

They Both Die at the End - 2/5. Okay I have to be honest, I didn’t finish this book. I was so excited to read it based on the premise: A world where you find out you’re going to die the night before it happens. Two boys get the call and spend their last day together. Unfortunately, the characters are just flat and unrealistic. I didn’t care much for either and ended up choosing to put the book down 200 pages in because it was causing me to avoid reading and I just wasn’t excited to pick it up

Eleanor & Park - 4/5. An adorable story of two misfits and first love. I found myself smiling this whole book, and I truly can’t describe this book as anything but adorable. However, if you like your endings perfectly concluded with a pretty bow on top, I would avoid this book. 

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - 5/5 YALL. This. Book. I don’t think I’m going to dive too far into it right now because I want to write an entire blog post about this. However, I will say that this is turning into one of my favorite books of all time. I opened it up with zero expectations, not knowing what it was about, and it was the most wonderful surprise. Super easy and fluid read that you can tear through in a day.

Firekeeper’s Daughter - 3/5. If you like suspense and mystery, you will probably like this book more than I did. I enjoyed it, really! It just wasn’t my genre. I am a very character driven reader, and while the characters were fun, I wasn’t drawn to any besides the main narrator. Basic premise: early 2000s, 18 year old Daunis is a native American girl who is staying in her hometown on an Ojibwe reservation after graduating from high school. She slowly learns about the meth industry destroying her community. An exciting story where you learn a lot about an underrepresented community. 

Well until next time. I’ll either give another book update, or perhaps an in depth review of Aristotle and Dante. Go read it. 

[crhinge]

Not all men are trash

I have not been great at updating this page lately, but believe it or not, I've been GOOD. Really good for the last month. I’ve written a few posts that are a bit too personal to throw on the internet, but maybe look out for them eventually when I feel like sharing. In the meantime, here are some things that have been on my mind the last few days. 

Millennials (noun) - a population with no fucking clue how to communicate. And here we are exiting a pandemic where we have not interacted with humans, let alone romantic interests in over a year. We are constantly told that independence is valued and that our careers should be our top priority. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely part of the problem.  I was taught at a young age to be confident and go after what you what, but I never applied that to romantic relationships. So if independence and careers are valued so highly, where does that leave us in relationships: useless. At last for me. Much of this is due to how I was raised, but personal life experiences that I don’t talk about often. As a teenager, I had to witness my favorite person in the whole world enter a seven year abusive relationship. As much as I pretended it didn’t effect me, it did. I watched her slowly lose her identity, power, and motivation. Listened to her cry week after week, only to be manipulated and pulled back again and again and again. Watched her spend the last three years trying to rebuild who she is. Watched her learn how to love and trust again. I am proud of her strength & her rebuilding, but I vowed that I would never let that happen to me. I made a promise to myself: “Never let a man control your life.” Because I don’t want to lose seven years of my life and my identity In the process.

"Men are trash,” I repeated year after year. Never allowing a man to take away what was mine. And here I am wondering why I am never in a relationship. I run away when I get too close. I refuse to trust someone to enter my life or have any power over it. But here’s the thing: you have to give up power in relationships.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m taking life day by day. But I can feel myself pulling away. Pulling away from really good things just because I’m scared. Pulling away from people I care about because I refuse to surrender control. I have to be willing to take risks, put myself out there, and give parts of myself away. So how the hell do I do that? Checking in with myself is a good start. If I call it out, at least that’s a start in stopping some of these patterns I’ve built up over the last 10 years. Allowing some of that millennial independence to fall away, and giving up a bit control. Seeking discomfort in order to grow. Not all men are trash.

[crhinge]

Breaking Down The Classic Rom-Com

I feel like I haven’t written a fun post in a hot sec so lets talk about one of my favorite subjects: Rom Coms

According to wikipedia, a Rom Com, also known as Romantic Comedy, is “a subgenre of comedy and slice-of-life fiction, focusing on lighthearted, humorous plot lines centered on romantic ideas, such as how true love is able to surmount most obstacles.” In the past, Romantic Comedies have also been called “Chick Flicks” but I think this is devaluing of both women and  the romantic comedy genre. 

The other day, I woke up to find that the most wholesome rom-com couple of all time reunited: Matty & Jenna (Aka Mark Ruffalo & Jennifer Garner). This got me thinking about the beauty of the Rom-Com and how unappreciated they can be. It has been years since we have seen a rom-com with the cultural impact of 13 Going on 30, and I would like to petition for more of them after a sad and painful year. 

I can already hear the millions (in my head this blog is extremely popular) of comments “What about To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before?!?” “What about The Kissing Booth?!?” And too that I say, "Good Riddance!” If you’re rating your rom coms on a TATBILB scale, or even WORSE The Kissing booth, I feel sorry for you. Truly I do. So let's dive into the best Rom Coms of all time, but first... 

What makes a Rom-Com good? Well let's start with a relatable as hell main character. I am talking a girl (sometimes guy), who has many flaws, but the audience can see themselves within her/him. Let's use Jenna Rink from 13 Going On 30 as an example. Well, she's literally a 13 year old in a 30 year olds body, but don’t we all still have a preteen hiding inside of all of us? She is 100% willing to be herself at every step, even if that means dancing thriller all alone. She touches on all of our insecurities, while teaching us how to break down our walls. 

Rom-Coms also need characters to make realistic choices. This does not mean that the movie itself is realistic, but rather than you can understand the choices the characters make. Again, 13 going on 30 does a fabulous job of this. Obviously, Jenna traveling in time because of wishing powder is not realistic, but the choices that her and her past self make are. Due to the insecurities of her childhood and a need to feel included, relevant, and powerful Jenna pushes important people out of her life, which happens to so many people in the real world. These decisions force her to miss out on the love of her life, and ultimately, the story ends sadly: the love of her life marries someone else and she is left with tears, wishing powder, and an old doll house. That is until she is able to travel back in time and change the course of her life. 

Lastly, Every classic Rom-Com couple needs to have chemistry. There. I said it. Hollywood loves just casting random famous actors without giving them a proper chemistry read. One great example of this is Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel in Safe Haven. Both fun, famous, Hollywood actors who have zero chemistry. Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner had more chemistry throwing back Razzles than those two did during an intimate sex scene. 

Alright, now that we have broken down the requirements of a Romantic Comedy, let's jump into the best and worst of all time.

Best: When Harry Met Sally. 9/10. A classic. A tale as old as time. Both Sally & Harry are very flawed, yet relatable characters. Sally is too picky and particular, while Harry is a player. They both suck at relationships, but make rational decisions based on their motivations. We all have friends like these two and their chemistry is on point, both on a friendship and romantic level. They bounce off of one another splendidly. 

Worst: Sleepless in Seattle. 1/10 I know, this is a strong take, but this is a terrible movie about a stalker. Meg Ryan (I don’t even remember her character's name) is the stupidest most unrelatable character I have seen in a long time. She is extremely unlovable, cheats on her SO emotionally, and flies across the country to stalk a man that she has never met before. And then you’re telling me that Tom hanks FALLS FOR HER? Nope. No. I refuse to except this. Plus, their chemistry in this is pretty mediocre (You’ve Got Mail is Way Better) and we only get to see them together once. 

Best: 10 Things I Hate About You. 8/10. I was tempted to leave all high School Rom-Coms off this list, but Heath Ledger is my exception. Talk about likability. Kat is a strong, powerful, independent woman who learns how to be more vulnerable while still being a feminist badass. We all wanted to be Kat growing up. Meanwhile Heath Ledger is the classic bad boy with a soft side, and who wasn’’t into that? Both characters grow into new people throughout the movie making them relatable, complex, and realistic. Not to mention the angel that is Joseph Gordon Levitt, who keeps the audience up beat and smiling throughout the course of this Shakespeare tale

Best: My Big fat Greek Wedding. 10/10.  Have you seen this film recently? Because it is an absolute DELIGHT and so relatable. It dives into the difficulty of family expectation and cultures merging. It also has the cutest proposal of all time with a realistic couple that fights for one another on a daily basis. You laugh. You cry. You get a dynamic cast with wonderful chemistry. You feel invested in the family and the relationship. Just a joyful wonderful film.

Worst: Something Borrowed. 0/10. If you’ve never seen this movie, don’t. Ginnifer Goodwin sleeps with her best friends fiancé and we’re supposed to be okay with it because she liked him first. Hard pass. And she ignores John Krazinski who is right in front of her. She is unlikable, unreliable, and makes dumb decisions that no one else would. 

Best: He’s just not that into you. 9/10  I will go to bat for this movie. It follows several realistic storylines in a Love Actually manor, except they actual seem legit. A woman realizing her boyfriend is never going to marry her. A girl facing the fact that maybe some guys just aren’t that into her, and she isn’t an exception to the rule. A man slowly making the decision to cheat on his wife as they are growing apart. A woman realizing that she is worth way more than her bastard husband. A woman realizing that the person she’s sleeping with will never leave his wife for her. It's compelling, has realistic characters that we can relate to, and still warms your heart in the end. 

Best: The Big Sick. 8/10. Okay to be fair, this is based on a true story so it automatically has realistic characters and decisions. Maybe I should leave this off of the list, but I wish this film got the recognition it deserves. Two lovable main characters who make mistakes that are understandable. Wonderful chemistry between Kumail and his girlfriend as well as her family. 

Best: About Time. 11/10 This is hands down the best Rom-Com of all time and Potentially the best film of all time as well. If you don’t cry in this movie you do not have a heart or soul. The characters are SO insanely likable and adorable.It touches on the importance of family and valuing time and how little of it we have. The chemistry within the whole cast is palpable, and we can all relate to at least one character, whether it is the protagonist Tim, his wife Mary, his sister Kit-Kat, or his father. 

Well it is important to point out the obvious here: this list is lacking diversity in a huge way. All but one of these movies follow a cis, straight, white couple, and that is extremely concerning. People have attempted to make more diverse rom-coms over the past few years, but they all seem to be lacking one of the three core components of what makes a rom-com great: Relatable, realistic, and great chemistry. For example. Crazy Rich Asians was a fantastic film, but the high level of wealth that Nick Young comes from, made his character difficult to relate to, and I’m sorry but the chemistry just wasn’t there for me. Always Be My Maybe’s characters fell flat and it’s not a film I would want to watch more than once. Love Simon made some huge waves for LGBTQ representation in the media, but that ending kiss was unrealistic along with his friends reaction to fining out he was lying, which left the movie anti-climactic by the end. 

Now, the most recent film on this list was made in 2017. And before that 2013. So where have all the Rom Coms gone? Why don’t we see more of them. There are a few Rom Coms that could be contenders on the “Best” list from the last couple of years that include a small amount of diversity: 

Yesterday 7/10. The big question here is does this count as a romantic comedy? The love story isn’t the main plot, but is definitely a large sub-plot. This movie features an interracial couple and is highly re-watchable. The main characters are entertaining, relatable, and have pretty good chemistry. We will see if it stands the test of time. 

The Broken Hearts Gallery 7/10. This movie has gotten NO recognition. The main character, Lucy, is an extremely likable 20 something, not unlike our Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just not that Into You. The plot is fun and predictable but keeps you watching. I don’t know if this one will stay on my list long, but it’s definitely up there. 

But here is my challenge to Hollywood: create some new, beautiful Rom Coms that celebrate diversity but that don’t throw away the relatable, realistic, and high chemistry characters that we are just waiting to fall in love with. It’s got like 16 ideas up my sleeve, so just give me a call Hollywood. 

[crhinge]

Who you aren’t isn’t interesting.

In the world of dating, it is so easy to compare. To say that you aren’t enough. To focus on what you’re not. 

You jump through the hoops of:

I’m not pretty enough

I’m not smart enough

I haven’t done enough in my 25 years of life.

But was you haven’t done, truly isn’t interesting. 

I, like many people, do this on a daily basis. I spend my time and energy focusing on what I am not, and waiting for the people around me to realize my nots as well. But that’s such a waste of time and energy. Like, I can’t change what I am not and who I am. I don’t want to waste time speculating about other people that I don’t know. There are always people in the world who are smarter than you, kinder than you, and prettier than you. But that does not make someone better than you. Just different. 

So who am I? No one truly knows my lived experience. I am the only one who is experiencing it. But I have such a hard time talking about myself. 

I would describe myself as a water tower. 

I stand tall and strong, but inside is a river of “softness” that rarely anyone sees.  I give off the vibe that I am confident, but I still hold the same insecurities everyone else has. 

The best compliment I ever received was from a professor. He said, “If you were an animal you would be a swan. You are strong, graceful, and something to look up to.” I write this, not to brag and talk about how wonderful I am, but because I truly didn’t believe him. I could not see myself as someone that is described that way. But why not? Why not me? 

Why can’t we see ourselves in the way that other people do? Why can’t we cherish our own talents and gifts? How do I tell my students time and time again to practice self love and care, when I know deep down I struggle with that too. 

It’s part of the human experience. We can’t see what God has given us, but today I am giving myself permission to say that I am fucking awesome. 

I know how to make people comfortable and feel understood. I can quickly pinpoint the gifts of others and what they bring to a group dynamic. I am reliable, supportive, and have a gift of shifting the mood of a room. I have spent the past 4 years of my life trying to better the life of teenagers across America who struggle with the growing anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation within their generation. I am very particular with the people I surround myself with, and if I befriend you, you are in for the long hall. I pour myself into relationships that matter to me, whether you are family, from middle school, from college, or I just met you last week. I want the people that I love and admire to know that they matter. 

I am an optimist for the most part. We all have hard days, but I love reflecting and seeing what I have gained from each experience. I like looking toward hope and the perhaps of it all. When I commit to something, I am all in. I don’t half ass anything, but I do give myself permission to recharge. I say no to things that will drain me, because I know my energy can be put towards more important things in life. Some people might be turned off by that, but the people who love me understand and support me. 

I will try pretty much anything once. You’d don’t need to convince me. I’m game. I am easy going, but can make decisions if I need to. I take time to process things that are important to me. I like to hide inside my head for long periods of time, not always showing my emotions until after they have passed. If you ask me a question, I am honest and open. But if you don’t ever ask me, you’ll never get an answer you’re wanting. My energy fluctuates, but I am very aware of where it is at. 

I am me, unapologetically. And I love me. What I am not does not matter.

I just started typing a paragraph apologizing for how selfish this post was, only to remember that I need to UNapologetically be me. So I’ll leave this here. 

Have a wonderful day and remember that you also fucking rock. God has given you some amazing gifts, and I cherish you. 

[crhinge]

Holding my breath.

I love to think about the perhaps of it all. Where this could go and how it could turn. I am trying to be as open as I possibly can, but there still is a fear hibernating inside of me, waiting for the shoe to drop. Some things just seem too good to be true.

I am doing that thing that we all do. We dream about a future and a life that might never come true. Ridiculous and starry eyed. I feel like Ginnifer Goodwin from He’s Just Not That Into You. Except instead of letting everything spill out like a volcano, I keep it all inside. Feeling like a giddy child all by myself.

Maybe someday I’ll travel the world with new eyes. Taking risks to fly across the country spontaneously. Having someone to spend all my free time with. To laugh with. To cry with. To watch stupid shit with. To call randomly on my drive home from work. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I’ve been praying a lot more frequently and its forcing me to be more vulnerable with myself. Sometimes I forget about the power of prayer. Could it really be that easy? Yes. God is good, and I hate that I forget that. Time and time again he answers my prayers, but not always In the way I think. I am giving myself more grace than ever before and I feel good. Happy even. But I feel like I am standing at the top of a mountain, waiting for someone to push me off the cliff. Waiting for something bad to happen.

Maybe a part of me is still holding back because I don’t want to expose myself to the elements with a heart crashing into a million pieces by the end. But the perhaps of it all is still there. The hope and the maybes of tomorrow. I find myself picturing it and smiling. But I always want to stop myself. Pausing and saying “Don’t get your hopes too high.”

Always the realist, even though there is a romantic buried deep inside. I don’t know how enneagram 4s do it. It’s exhausting. Putting your heart on your sleeve at every turn. I admire it. Maybe I’ll try it sometime.

I’m taking life day by day. Just thankful for a glimpse. Thankful that for once I can focus on the perhaps.

[crhinge]

Roses are red, my aura is green

(This post is disorganized joy and that’s okay) I’m feeling hopeful. For the first time in what feels like six months, I am in a great place. I got my first round of the vaccine last week, and each day feels like a hopeful adventure. I am just trying to take life day by day. Here’s my new rule of thumb: If I’m not having fun, I’m not doing it. As an introvert, my energy cup runs low, and it’s hard to put energy into the things/people I don’t care about. You know how everyone wants to become a “Yes” man? I want to be a “no” lady. And what I mean by that is being okay with saying no to things, with the thought that that no gives me the ability to turn other things into “yes”. It’s okay to tell people I met on dating apps that I’m not feeling it, because it gives to the energy to explore other relationships in my life. I am giving myself permission to be. Permission to chill. Permission to not need to plan too far into the future. Permission to enjoy myself. I’ve been very drawn to the color green this year. Green reminds me of the mountains and nature. It is a strong but peaceful color that represents growth and tranquility. Trusting in the sun to point me in the right direction and follow its lead. I don’t know what an aura is, but if I have one, it’s green. My faith has always been extremely important to me, but I have a hard time expressing that. Sadly in the world today, the christian church represents oppression. For that reason I have a hard time mentioning my faith to the people around me. I am overall extremely liberal and progressive, and in my head, God has so much room in a progressive world. I hate the term “traditional” because isn’t it the tradition of humanity to  adapt and make progress? God doesn’t pick and choose the people he loves, he chooses everyone. My belief system is a different, much longer post that maybe I can dive into in the future. But the reason I bring this up is I really do trust that God has a plan for me. I don’t know what that plan is or where it leads, but I’m going wherever God takes me. I’m trying to pray more, and worry less. Practice gratitude more, complain less. I want to choose positivity over sadness. This year has already been hard enough for us, we don’t need anymore negativity holding us down. I want to exude positivity and light. I want to embody the strength and peace my new aura represents. I want to be the eye, ears, and hands of God, looking out for where some light may be needed. Today is a good day and I have no reason to say that tomorrow would be different. So thank God, thank your humans and be hopeful. Happy Valentines Day beautiful world!

[crhinge]

Meeting My Weird

Let's just get it out of the way. Thats how I look at it.

For those of you who don’t know me, I care way too much about pop culture and certain fandoms. As an enneagram 5, many times, people don’t know what they are getting into when they ask me about my passions. They think “Oh, she’s a fan of the TV show LOST. I saw that back in 2009 once. Let's chat about it.” But little do they know I have an extensive document on my laptop dedicated to ranking all 121 episodes of the show, along with a description of why that episode is ranked where it is at. Nobody asks for that information, Nobody cares Leah. But I care. 

Now these weird things are apart of who I am and are what make me utterly adorable and relatable. However, for many it comes off as strange (weird, I know). So how do I open this part of myself to people, or an even better questions, how do I filter myself. 

How many times has someone vaguely made a pop culture reference, where I follow it up by meeting their fandom and increasing it by 20. Now you might be asking “Leah, can you give me an example?”

Well there are three ways that you can go about this (these are all completely true examples & conversations I have had with men on dating apps).

The Profile Follow up: They vaguely mention being a fan of something in their profile, to which you jump in head first. 

He says “true Hufflepuff at heart” in his bio. 

Me: “Do you agree or disagree that Sirius Black is an overrated character who just wants his best friend back and doesn’t want to be a father figure to harry. Follow up: Do you agree that Harry should have admired Lupin in the way that he always loved and admired Sirius?”

Him: Silence 

He asked for it: He asks a questions about something in your profile that he knows a little about. 

Him: “I see you were in the Dharma Initiative. Did you know Ben Linus?” (For those of you that don’t know, this is a reference to a LOST character.)

Me: “yeah I knew Ben Linus… he was the sone of my friend Rodger. Weird kid. One day he just suddenly put on this gas mask and now I’m laying in a mass grave with a bunch of dead bodies, So is life I guess.”

Him: Silence

Right out the gate: Just get the strange stuff out of the way. 

Me: (as an opening line to 5 different guys) So how do you feel about the movie Cats?

All but one: Silence 

One: I don’t; I don’t feel anything about it because I never think about it. 

Me: :O 

Them: Silence 

Now, you might be thinking, “My God Leah. Get your shit together. You will never find a partner saying this weird shit.” To which I say “HAVE YOU NO FAITH IN ME??” 

See what I am actually doing is testing these people that I match with. And you might not believe me, but it WORKS. The only examples I gave you, are the “failed attempts” or as I like to call them, “Better off without them”. 

In reality, however, some of the best conversations I have had with people on dating apps comes from the people who respond enthusiastically to these kind of remarks. Even if they don’t meet my same level of crazy, they have an appreciation for it and know exactly what they are getting into. Is this the right way to do it? No, but is there ever a right way to do anything?

I will leave you with my person favorite Hinge profile picture I have witnessed to date. 

Now go follow me on twitter: @Leah__Kristin

[crhinge]

To Feel Seen.

Well here we are. 

We’re three dates into the year, and I am already having a mental breakdown. 

So I was on a zoom date last Friday, as one does during a pandemic. And it was fine. Like the first 30 minutes were fun, but then in the second thirty minutes we both were kinda like “there’s not gonna be a second date, and that okay."

He was a nice, hipster man who talked a lot about recycling and meditation. Which is great! But he didn’t understand any of my pop culture references, which just put us on separate playing fields. “What’s your biggest fear?” He asked.

He went first, (thank god) because MAN is that an intense conversation topic. His was something along the lines of not feeling useful, which was a great answer. Then it was my turn, and while I had a list of about 50, one randomly popped into my head.

“I am afraid of not being understood and not being seen.” I say suddenly.  

WHAT? My brain jumped for a second, and I immediately was in my head trying to figure out what the hell I meant by that. I had no idea. He kept asking what I meant, and why it was a fear and I fully recoiled. I needed to unpack this and didn’t know how. So I wrote a song, thinking it helped me better understand myself, but it kept coming back to it again and again. Not being seen. After this conversation, my mind started to fog up with distant memories of past relationships.

You know those people who SEE you. Those human you can look at across the room and you immediately know what the other is thinking. Those people who you’ve only known a few days, but it feels like they were a soul mate in a previous life. I know those people. I miss those people. And this guy on this zoom date is not that person.

I feel miserable. These last few weeks have been some of the worst this year and that’s saying a lot. I am anxious all the time. I have never felt less like myself. I am wasting energy on these people who do not see me rather than investing in the friendships and relationships in my life where I feel seen. I am walking in a daze, wondering what these random strangers think of me. It feels like such a waste of a month, and I am starting to wonder why I felt the need to date in the first place. 

This week I cried. Cried because it’s not fair that I have felt seen by someone and never had the chance to pursue it. Cried because I feel so lonely. Cried because this really nice guy texted me, but I don’t want to text back. Cried because I never gave myself time to mourn a relationship, because I never gave it a value. Because he never gave it a value. Cried because someone finally saw me, but he didn’t choose me. And maybe he never knew I was a choice he could have made. 

Someday I’ll tell that whole story, but it’s only 50% of my story to tell. Today I’ll drink my mezcal, talk to my therapist, and cry it out. 

It feels good to write it down. It reminds me that it was real and that these feelings are real. It reminds me that I can feel this way. I’m not a heartless bitch. 

I’m just a girl who wants to be seen. 

[crhinge]

My type falls somewhere between Hot Priest from Fleabag and Hot Priest from Fleabag.

Alright alright alright. Now that we’ve got the HOW out of the way (see previous post), what about the WHO?? Whats my type? What am I looking for? Well the answer is chaotic to say the least. I really don’t have a type, but like so many others, have fallen in love with fictional characters that I believe represent exactly what I am looking for. My type falls somewhere between Hot Priest from Fleabag and Hot Priest from Fleabag. Just kidding. But honestly if you guys know someone just like hot priest from fleabag, hit a girl UP. 

I have narrowed down my type into ten key characteristics using the acronym: NICK MILLER (shout out to my trivia group for forcing me to sit down and truly think about this). Now Nick Miller represents the perfect balance that all men should work toward. He sets that bar so high, yet so low. 

So lets dive into it shall we:

N - Nice. 

Easy start. Heres the thing, You gotta just be a nice person. Im not asking for much. But again, it's a balance. You can’t be too nice. You gotta be willing to talk some shit, but in a confidential, you're my partner kinda way. 

I - Intelligent. 

I know I know. This is an annoying one, but I promise I am reasonable. You gotta be able to keep up with current events and interesting conversation. I don’t want a condescending dick, but genuinely just someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about. Nick Miller is a great example of this, he got into law school, but dropped out. He wrote an entire novel, but comes off as chill even though he’s actually frickin smart. Take notes men. 

C. Confidence. 

I cannot express how important this is. You gotta know who you are, love who you are, and own it. You can be weird as fuck but still confident; I will love you. 

K. The Kool Factor. With a K. 

Now the Kool factor is hard to define, but you know it when you see it. There has to be something different and interesting about you. A suaveness. A bit of a mystery. Hot priest from fleabag has the Kool factor. You are just extremely attracted to him and it is impossible to pin point why. 

Miller - These are more bonus points than anything else: 

M - Mustache. If a boy can pull off a mustache, that’s a huge plus in my book. Give me the facial hair

I - Independent. Please don’t be clingy. Be your own person,. Don’t wait up Boo

L - Laughter. I need someone with the same sense of humor. You don’t have to be hilarious, just be willing to watch Richard Ayoade shows with me so we can giggle together 

L - Listener. No brainer. Next 

E - Eyes. I am usually more attracted to dark features, specifically eyes. The darker the eyes the better. I don’t want to be able to tell where the pupil starts and the iris begins. Give me those black hole, demon eyes please. 

R - radical and anti-reagan. Those political beliefs have never been so important. You gotta get on board. 

Now that you know the basics of my type, here are a few examples:

1. Dev Patal. I mean. So out of my league but please date me. 

2. Mark Ruffalo - he’s got the best energy 

3. Bob Morley - this is a random CW celebrity that I am embarrassed to say I am extremely attracted to 

4. Richard Ayoade - if you get it, you get it

6. Lip Gallagher from Shameless - we love an independent, intelligent fuck up. Big Kool Factor. 

7. Hot priest from fleabag 

xoxo, 

Leeeee 

ps. I do realize how incredibly superficial this all is. I am open and willing to give anyone a chance. These are just some general preferences for kicks and giggles. 

[crhinge]

A Dating Blog from a Non-Dater

“I just want to meet someone organically” - said every single person who now has a significant other they met on a dating app

‘Tis I. The most single woman in all of America. 

Okay maybe that’s an over exaggeration. But truly, I have been single now for over four years. I am 25 years of age. Even before that, my longest relationship lasted a total of three months. When I say that I don’t date, I mean that. In the last four years that I have been on three, count them, THREE, dates. 

Now I have always made excuses for why I’m not dating, not that I have to. Some of these excuses include:

I just want to focus on myself right now

Why would I date when I am just planning to move in [insert time frame here]

I am just too busy

Men are trash

I’m just really independent and don’t have space for a relationship

We are in a global pandemic!!! How am I supposed to date here? 

The weight of the world just feels too heavy right now

I am so tired 

Even though many of these are true, I have recently come to the conclusion (thanks to my therapist) that I do, in fact, eventually want a relationship. GASP. It shall not be said. But really. I want to have a partner in this world eventually and what better way to do it then dive into the terrifying world of dating apps.

So it is the year 2021, the year of our governments downfall and cannibals (see Armie Hammer). There is no better time to begin. I want to go into this dating world with an open mind. I am not heading into a date thinking “OMG, is this man my soul mate?!?” Instead, I’m looking at each date as an opportunity. An opportunity to practice the dating skills that I don’t have. An opportunity to meet new people in a city I am still getting to know. An opportunity to be social in an unsocial world. 

Now there are obviously barriers (cough cough COVID cough cough) but there are a few ways around these: 

1. Virtual dates. Guys I already did one of these, and it was weirdly not weird at all. This is the first strategy always. 

2. When its warm, we love a walk in the park with some coffee. I could pick up some cappuccinos for us and meet at chessman/wash park and just walk in circles. We love them outdoors. 

4. I’m getting vaccinated! Post-february, I will be a vaccinated human, which opens up many doors for me to meet with people. 

So now choosing a dating app: I’m gonna stick with ~Hinge~ for several reasons:

1. I already have it downloaded sooooooo it’s really a convenience factor

2. I like the filters

3. You can only like 6 people a day, so hopefully I won’t get too overwhelmed by choices

Okay so how is this all gonna work. Why a blog?? More than anything, it will hold me accountable. I always say I’m gonna date and then I never do it. I am going to use this blog to unpack the ins and outs of dating. What do I love about it? What do I hate about it? I am going to do my best not to write about any specific men, in order to keep some things private, but if I do mention any boys, I shall keep their name anonymous. 

My goal will be to post at least once a week (maybe more, probably less). Honestly, I don’t want to set too many rules for myself, and instead want to see where life takes me. I am open to suggestions and advise. Especially with Tumblr. 

So until my first date of 2021, don’t get eaten by Armie Hammer. 

Xoxo, Leeee