Tommy: “WHAT. IS. UP. VLOG NATION? Wilbur and me here, cleaning up -”
{He looks over.}
“The crime scene of the latest attack by the Annihilator. Won’t show shit, ‘cause that’s disrespectful, but WILBUR! The people want to SEE you.”
{Tommy turns the camera.}
Wilbur: “Tommy, what-- What the fuck are you doing? Why do you have a camera-- Tommy, we’re on a job right now.”
{Wilbur looks incredulously from his clipboard.}
“Are you-- Are you fucking vlogging this??”
Tommy: “The grind never stops, Wilbur. If I don’t record this, how will I get my TikTok likes? Or my YouTube views? I know you consider this our full-time job -”
Wilbur: “Because it is our full-time job.”
Tommy: “Maybe to you. But to the thousands of women who tune into my voice-overs of cleaning blood-stained fucking bathrooms… I’m their everything.”
{Wilbur stares at Tommy in disbelief.}
Wilbur: “Thousands of women? Tommy, come on, take this seriously, please.”
{He taps his pen on the clipboard.}
“We have a whole list of things to get done, put the camera away.”
Tommy: *Deep, melodramatic sigh.* “Finneee. Just lemme - just lemme get my fucking B-Roll. I need something to voice-over.”
Wilbur: *Very tired sigh.* “Just-- fine. Fine. Let’s get to work, this super made a fucking mess.”
{The camera clicks off.}
Tommy: “Now that Wilbur isn’t being an ass about it, I can actually record more. We’re getting lunch at our favorite fucking place.”
{Wilbur stills and glances up from his menu.}
Wilbur: “Are you back on about your fucking vlog again?”
Tommy: “When aren’t I, asshole? I’ve been doing this for months.”
Wilbur: “I swear to god I can’t get a moment of peace, you little prick.”
Tommy: *He sticks his tongue out.* “Stop being a stick-in-your-ass about it. Anyways -”
Wilbur: “That’s not how the saying goes.” *He’s grinning, though.*
Tommy: “Okay, know-it-nothing-asshole. ANYWAYS, as I was fucking saying, for my three thousand subscriber celebration - I was gonna start a series about answering questions related to our field of expertise. Y’know, shit like - what does dried blood look like? Or, how hot is blood-boiling, really? The things the people WANT to know.”
Wilbur: “You have three thous-- nevermind.” *He shakes his head.* “You know this is just going to turn into strangers on the internet asking you probative personal questions, right?”
Tommy: “I hope they ask you why you’re such a loser. Or why you listen to Wonderwall on repeat on our drives to work every day. It isn’t even GOOD, Wilbur.”
Wilbur: “It’s not my fault you have absolutely no taste, you little gremlin.” *He puts down the menu and grabs the camera from Tommy.*
Tommy: *Tommy grabs the camera back as well, yanking.* “BITCH! LET GO! I WILL MAKE A SCENE!! HE’S STEALING FROM ME! HELP!”
Wilbur: *Wilbur reaches across the table to smack Tommy’s head lightly* “Tommy!! Shut the fuck up, we’re in a cafe!” *He lets go of the camera with a sigh.* “This is such a bad idea…”
Tommy: “If it’s such a bad idea, why are all of the Hero ASMR channels doing it? I think it’s awesome! Nobody ever pays attention to our line of work, but now they will!”
Wilbur: *Speaking in a high voice* “Oh, yes, maybe the Villains will be less messy in their crimes!”
{A waitress clears her voice out-of-shot.}
“Alright, Tommy, put the camera away so we can eat.”
Tommy: “It’ll be awesome, Wilbur!! I promise.”
{Tommy gives one last grin to the camera, before turning it off.}
hey guys uh. how do you get blood out of clothes? asking for a friend and definitely not because i may have left you with some work.
I am absolutely not going to answer that. For two reasons. One: That question is incredibly suspicious, and I'm off the clock. Two: Do we look like Google to you?
Well, I think I remember it being something along the lines of rubbing hydrogen peroxide into the clothes, put laundry pre-treater on it and then rub it in hot water with laundry safe bleach! I do it all the time!
hey guys uh. how do you get blood out of clothes? asking for a friend and definitely not because i may have left you with some work.
I am absolutely not going to answer that. For two reasons. One: That question is incredibly suspicious, and I'm off the clock. Two: Do we look like Google to you?
Oh god. I'm gonna be honest with you, man: he basically just annoyed me into it. I've been doing this for years now, and he really enjoyed hearing stories about it. Tommy's always liked the idea of being able to see what heroes and villains do up close and being involved in that part of the world, you know? I kept telling him he wasn't old enough, but... technically, once you turn fifteen, you're allowed to work in jobs like this. Kind of ran out of excuses for it after that. Plus, he's actually not half bad at the job. ... Don't tell him I said that.
Tommy: “WHAT. IS. UP. VLOG NATION? Wilbur and me here, cleaning up -”
{He looks over.}
“The crime scene of the latest attack by the Annihilator. Won’t show shit, ‘cause that’s disrespectful, but WILBUR! The people want to SEE you.”
{Tommy turns the camera.}
Wilbur: “Tommy, what– What the fuck are you doing? Why do you have a camera– Tommy, we’re on a job right now.”
{Wilbur looks incredulously from his clipboard.}
“Are you– Are you fucking vlogging this??”
Tommy: “The grind never stops, Wilbur. If I don’t record this, how will I get my TikTok likes? Or my YouTube views? I know you consider this our full-time job -”
Wilbur: “Because it is our full-time job.”
Tommy: “Maybe to you. But to the thousands of women who tune into my voice-overs of cleaning blood-stained fucking bathrooms… I’m their everything.”
{Wilbur stares at Tommy in disbelief.}
Wilbur: “Thousands of women? Tommy, come on, take this seriously, please.”
{He taps his pen on the clipboard.}
“We have a whole list of things to get done, put the camera away.”
Tommy: *Deep, melodramatic sigh.* “Finneee. Just lemme - just lemme get my fucking B-Roll. I need something to voice-over.”
Wilbur: *Very tired sigh.* “Just– fine. Fine. Let’s get to work, this super made a fucking mess.”
how many crime scenes have the boys cleaned so far? what was the worst?
Wilbur: “Hm? Wait, people have actually asked you things?”
{He blinks a few times and shakes his head.}
“Alright, Tommy, I’ll bite.”
{He hums in thought.}
“See, I’ve been doing this for a while now. I’d say I personally have been to around a hundred. Tommy here,” *grinning at the camera* “Has only been at it for about a year or two. Kept begging and begging for me to let him come to scenes with me to help.” *pitching his voice higher* “Oh, Wilbah, please let me come! I promise I’ll be good! Wilbah, Wilbah, oh please!”
{He laughs warmly and shakes his head affectionately.}
“As for the worst…? Man… Tommy wasn’t around for this one—“
Tommy: “THE WORST?”
{Popping out from somewhere in their small apartment}
Wilbur: “Oh— Hello, Tommy!”
Tommy: “The worst was that one, in the office building for the biggest corporation in the whole fucking city! So much carnage.”
{He hardly seems phased - definitely the best, for someone in his line of work.}
“Wilbur, remember the hand I picked up?”
{He mimics flopping his arm around midair.}
Wilbur: “Ooh, that one was bad, I do remember that.”
{He rolls his eyes with a smile.}
“Yes, I remember, Tommy. And then we had to call detectives out because they’re supposed to clear up any remaining body parts as evidence.”
{Wilbur gives Tommy a stern look, with playfulness in his eyes.}
“Turns out, you’re not supposed to play with evidence.”
Tommy: “They shouldn’t leave spare body parts, then, if you’re not supposed to play with it.”
{Tommy rolls his eyes.}
“But generally, the uhm - the scenes left behind by that one pig villain are the worst. It’s LIKE he wants to get blood EVERYWHERE.”
This is a c!Crimeboys ask blog, set in a fictional alternate universe. The universe is inspired by the cc!Crimeboys’ Get the V Experience stream, but has been altered as we see fit!
In this universe, Wilbur and Tommy run a crime scene cleaning business called Big Cleaning Corporation-- and they’re the best in the biz (if you ask them, at least). Tommy is a raccoon/demon hybrid, while Wilbur is a regular human, but neither of them have powers.
Oh, yeah. That’s right. There are supers in this world, too. And they have some pretty intense powers. You ever tried to clean up charred remains from someone with fucking laser eyes??
How does the blog work?
You ask us questions (or, send in crime scenes for the boys to clean), and Wilbur and Tommy will answer! Feel free to ask one or both of them a question, send in a crime for them to clean up after, or just say hello!
Answers will likely be in text form, but on occasion we may decide to do a few doodles to answer an ask we’re particularly inspired for <3
If you’re curious about anything OOC, feel free to send in an ask for the admin to answer-- just make sure to clarify that it is an OOC question, or the boys will answer instead!
TAGS
#wilbur speaks > non-ask IC wilbur posts
#tommy speaks > non-ask IC tommy posts
#crimeboys speak > non-ask IC joint posts
#wilbur ask > asks with IC wilbur responses
#tommy ask > asks with IC tommy responses
#crimeboys ask > asks with IC joint responses
#admin speaks > OOC posts
Hi! My name is Glory (she/her & they/them), I'm 21 and I'll be primarily writing Tommy. I've been in the fandom since August 2020, and I watch Tommy, Wilbur and Dream. I roped Ghost into everything and have been their Crimeboys enabler since April >:) Feel free to ask me anything!!
GHOST - 👻
Howdy! I’m Ghost [they/them], I’m 22 and I’ll be primarily writing Wilbur. Glory dragged me into the DSMP side of the fandom in about April 2022, and I quickly became obsessed with Crimeboys. I watch Tommy and Wilbur <3 Feel free to chat to me about anything!
If we’re answering or speaking OOCly, we’ll put our respective emojis so you know~
