Please do one where Emily ‘dies’ and you go to Hotch for comfort and he’s the only one who knew about the readers and Emily’s secret love? And maybe the reader drank heavily with Hotch?
I was listening to Lay Me Down by Sam Smith whilst writing this and in the tender state I’m already in I definitely did NOT cry…NOT AT ALL! I’m not going to lie I’ve written this many times in my head. It’s all pretty fresh still so please don’t judge if it’s really bad aha! I hope you enjoy it!xx-Ash
You woke up with a pounding headache and the smell of alcohol still on your breath. You couldn’t help but grimace at the pain in your head as you sat up in bed. You reached for your phone, but it wasn’t there, you reached out further for your lamp, but it wasn’t there. Whose room was this? You moved to get off of the bed and landed your feet on the unfamiliar ground. Standing up brought back the all too familiar feeling of nausea. Running towards the door you burst out into the hallway and towards the open bathroom door, no longer were you concerned with where you were but how you could make yourself feel better.
Your hair was pulled out of your face and a familiar voice calmed you down “It’s ok Y/N, get it all out.” Hotch. It had to be Hotch’s house “I picked up your car from the bar and grabbed your go bag from the trunk. I will tell the others you weren’t feeling well. Go and visit her today?” He handed you a glass of water, an aspirin and left.
This wasn’t the first time you’d woken up away from your house. The first time was in the hospital the day after she died. You’d managed to get from the hospital to the local liquor store and buy 2 bottles of whiskey; you hadn’t even waited until you got home to drink them, drinking the entire 1st bottle before you’d even got to your car. You sat on the bonnet of the car you shared with her, drinking and cursing out the world that forced you to be alone and took the woman you loved away from you. Tears stained your cheeks until eventually it was impossible to tell where they’d run and where they hadn’t. You didn’t remember how you got to the hospital or what exactly had happened but you woke up attached to an IV and a stern looking Hotch stood at the end of your bed. That’s when you told him about you and Emily; how you’d been in love with each other for so long and about your engagement. He’d held you, tightly, like she used to. Caught your tears on his shoulders, like she used to.
At first you’d pushed away his pity, vowing you could survive without her, vowing you could move on and you’d be fine. But now? Now was different. Now was lonely nights and empty beds. Now was waking up at 3am and panicking when she wasn’t there. Now was taking long walks in the dark hoping she’d appear. Now was half empty liquor bottles and drowned sorrows.
It had been so hard to keep it together. When she died it was like you lost your better half, the half that made you smile, made you happy and made you love. It was only 3 days after you’d proposed that she’d been killed and it broke you. It cut down to your core, to your very soul and nothing could stop the pain. Except alcohol, when you drank, it numbed it all; numbed the sadness, the anger and the love that you still felt. And that’s why you were here; In Hotch’s house hiding from the world behind a bottle of whisky and more than enough vodka.
You stood up from the toilet and dragged your soulless body back to the bed, rolling yourself up into a ball, holding your hands over your ears trying to block out the overwhelming sadness that washed over your body. Thoughts of the day she had died flooded your brain;
JJ’s face had told you everything you needed to know. Her voice held a pain you only amplified with your cries. No-one knew how you were hurting, how your heart had been ripped out and crushed. You felt your knees buckle underneath you, collapsing to the cold ground; you held your face in your hands and sobbed, for the woman you never got to call your wife. You wanted to run to her, hold her in your arms for one last time but something was stopping you, something in your heart told you to stay put, surrounded by your family.
Regret. All you felt was regret. Regret that you hadn’t gotten to her sooner. Regret that yours wasn’t the last face she saw but instead Morgan’s, something you still resented him for. Regret that you hadn’t been by her side in the ambulance. Regret that you hadn’t gone to her after she had died. Regret that you never got to show the world how much she truly meant to you.
You slept for 3 more hours until you felt the sudden urge to get up, and go visit her. You pulled your unwashed hair up into a bun. Wrapped yourself in her old FBI jumper, inhaling what was left of her smell on the fabric, after 8 months it had started to smell less and less like her. She wasn’t buried too far away, and there was a familiar liquor store on the way that you knew always had what you needed after visiting her grave.
A short walk and half a bottle of rum later you arrived at her grave. Still decorated with the beautiful bouquets, no doubt left by Penelope. 5 months and 24 days had passed since you last saw her; since you last felt love and light.
“Hey Em, I hope you can hear me. I mean… I hope you’re ok wherever you are. It’s so hard to get through this without you. I know I need to stop drinking. But when I don’t drink, I hurt, I hurt so much.” Through the hazy fog of your tears you made out a dark figure in the distance, watching you. Maybe it was the drink, or the gut feeling something was wrong but you couldn’t help but yell “Hey! Hey! Who are you?” Stumbling around the gravestones you made a desperate attempt to get closer. Tripping over your own feet, you landed on the ground, hitting your head on the corner of a gravestone.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” a familiar voice broke through the ringing that was piercing your ears.
“Emily?” your eyes felt heavy and it was a struggle to keep them from closing.
“Hey baby, hold on, the ambulance are on their way” Her face appeared in your field of vision, her dark hair brushing against your face. Her hand snaking its way into yours.
“Emily?” your confusion faded as your consciousness did.
“No Hotch! I’m serious! She was there, at the cemetery! She called the ambulance. She held my hand, I know it was her.” You were suddenly defeated “I has to be”
Hotch looked at you with sadness in his eyes. The pity in his face was enough to make anyone cry “Y/N, you were drunk. You hit your head and had a concussion. It was just your imagination.” He was holding something back and you could tell “Emily is dead. She’s not coming back, ever.”
“Get out.” You spat, unaware of how much venom was in your voice.
“I know what I saw.” You were so, so angry. “So please. Get. Out.”
2 months later, you and Morgan had almost cracked the Doyle case. Derek had to almost pull you off of him when you finally caught him. And then Declan went missing, the one person Emily had always vowed to protect was in danger and there was no way that was going to happen.
“Everybody have a seat.” Hotch’s eyes met yours. Something was wrong, something was very very wrong. “7 months ago I made a decision that affected this team, as you all know Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle” the mere mention of her name brought tears to your eyes “but the doctors were able to stabilise her.” The air in your lungs was knocked out of you and your jaw hung open.
“She’s alive?” your voice was barely above a whisper “She’s been alive ALL this time and you never told me?” you were yelling, angrier than you’d ever been “You saw me in the state I was in. You told me point blank she was dead and she was never coming back! When this whole time you knew, YOU KNEW SHE WAS ALIVE!” The realisation of what was being said hit you like a tonne of bricks, knocking you back into your chair.
“As I said I take full responsibility for the decision, if anyone has any issues they should be directed at me.”
“oh my god” Garcia glanced behind you at the door. Her mouth hanging open as tears slipped down her face. You didn’t turn around. You couldn’t.
“I’m so so sorry.” Emily’s voiced flooded into your body.
“You’re sorry?” you still hadn’t turned to face her, scared that it wasn’t real, scared that if you turned around she would disappear forever just like she had done so many times before.
“You what? You wanted to come back? You wanted to help me? You love me? Because as far as I remember none of those things could you not have done. I was your fiancée, couldn’t I have known? We were going to get married Em! We had the venue picked out, the date, everything! We were even going to tell everyone! Do you remember? Do you remember everyth…”you swung yourself round and saw her, for the first time in a long time you were sure it was real. Your eyes met, those eyes you’d missed so much. “Emily?” you couldn’t force out much more than a whisper.
“Trinity House on 6th. On the 25th of July. We were going to ask JJ and Garcia to be our maids of honour and Hotch and Rossi were going to walk us down the aisle.” Her eyes were overflowing with tears.
“And Morgan and Reid were going to be our ring bearers.” You hadn’t noticed her closing the gap in between you.
“I came back for you months ago. I saw you that day in the cemetery and wanted so badly to tell you. I went all the way to the hospital with you but I couldn’t tell you. You weren’t well. But I have been watching you, always. I had JJ and Hotch updating me every week. There was never a day where I didn’t want to be back here holding you in my arms. I love you so much!” she pressed her lips to yours and wrapped her arms around your waist “God I missed you”
“I love you. Oh My God I love you!”