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@crimsonbaronessa
Follow and Retweet to Win!Ā ARTstreet is holding the Spring New Life Support Campaign! If you follow this account and retweet this tweet, you could be the 1 person to win an iPad & Apple Pencil! Click here for more details! https://medibang.com/page/f/may_2019campaign/
āI was miserable being a widow. But I knew it was going to be hard to meet someone new. There is so much space junk out there. And a lot of older men are looking for a younger woman. But I had great hopes. I did my visualizations. I pictured a nice, younger, good-looking man. Every morning I wrote down just what I wanted. Then I found him on one of those dating sites. I was a little worried at first because his profile said: āIām back, ladies.ā I thought that maybe he was a womanizer. But he also quoted a psalm in his profile, and it was a good psalm, so I sent him a smile emoji. We started chatting and decided to meet at the Metropolitan Museum. I walked up the stairs and there he was! Suit! Tie! Overcoat! So much better than his picture! We spent six hours at the wine bar. They had to kick us out. We started seeing each other regularly. I felt like I was sixteen. Nothing could bother me for months. I couldnāt eat. I couldnāt sleep. Everything worked out just like I imagined. It will have been eight years together, this July.ā
Texts From Superheroes
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Jenna Coleman in series 9.
A Krishton! #SketchbookX #doodle #OC #mmmred
This is Malikai, Mark's brother. :3 #SketchBookX #kittyboy #OC #helikesleather
This is Mark! :3 #SketchBookX #OC #Mark #kittyboy #gettingbetter
I've found a Sketchbook app. Be prepared. #SketchBookX #Baronessa #doodles #lame
I envy you
You there,Ā
I envy you.
You are a person who is never alone.
You have a significant other or someone close that you can rely on.
You have no secrets, and no will to hide secrets.
You are not afraid.
I, I have this huge wound in my chest.
I have no one to speak to,Ā
No one to lay open the bare bones of my secrets,
No one I can wholly trust.
I said,Ā āI want to meet Aslan. Or the Doctor.ā Because it would be nice for someone to think Iām special, I mean really think Iām special.
Itād be nice for someone to put a hand on my shoulder and not say a word and yet let me know at the same time that I am worthy, that I am loved.
I wish I had someone, who with one touch, could make this unbearable pain disappear...
Because Iām afraid itās killing me.
Ahhh, auto-correct, youāve made another masterpiece.
Letters Never Sent #3
Itās really hard to say anything to you at all. You are a support, but I donāt think I could tell you anything. Not because I donāt trust you, but because I donāt think youād have the ability to understand, truly, what Iām saying. Itās not your fault. Youāre a lovely human being, and you are still one of my greatest inspirations, but despite the difficulties that youāve had in life, you even said to me,Ā āI had an easy life. I didnāt have to handle anything like you have.ā
Which makes me wonder, sometimes. If I sat down with you and I told you everything that I wish I could tell you, if I opened up those doors and let the floodgates go and just let it all pour out, if I looked at you straight in the eyes and I said,Ā āThis is what happened to me. This is why I dislike being out front. This is why I cannot answer questions. This is why I cannot stand being near him.ā What would you do? I wonder, sometimes, how you would respond if I had said more than I did during that meeting.
I said,Ā āThings happened between us, things that I canāt forget, and every time I see him itās a reminder - and I just canāt handle this right now. This was my safe place, this was my comfort, and it has been invaded. My space has been invaded.ā
And you said, you agreed,Ā āWe donāt know him. We know you. You have our heart, heās just new.ā
But, look! Look at everyone making him feel welcome (as they should), and comforting him (as they should), and having him over for dinner and going to his house for dinner, and accepting him wholeheartedly (as they should) - look at it! Look at it and then tell me that I shouldnāt leave. That it wonāt fix anything if I leave. That Iāll still have the same problems if I leave.
When my great aunt died, I lost her home as my safe place. I no longer had a quiet place to go. So I reached out and made this place my new quiet place. I made these people my friends. I trusted these people with my heart and my insecurity and yet... look how easily my house of cards comes tumbling down. He didnāt even do it on purpose.
He just walked in and the wind from that door knocked my safe house down.
You know whatās worse? The fact that heās family. That means he can go everywhere, anywhere, our family is and I cannot stop him. I have no right to stop him. Heās trying to be a good person, right? Heās trying to live his life correctly... to change who he was. What right do I have to blow his house of cards down?
So, here I am. Writing this letter that Iāll never send, and wishing that I had the confidence, the bravery, the... the strength to send this to you and say,Ā āLook! Listen! Iām screaming here, and no one can see it. Iām tearing out my hair, and no one can hear me. Iām clinging to this wall of security that used to be my home and itās slowly becoming so smooth that Iām falling.ā
Itās so easy for someone else who doesnāt know me to judge me based on this. Itās so easy for someone who doesnāt understand to look at me with confusion or with a heart that says,Ā āoh get over it.ā But you have a safe place to go, donāt you? You have a place you can go at the end of a bad day where you can stop and breathe and take a break and just be awayĀ from it all, right?
I donāt.
I canāt go home, because I am caring for someone who cannot see me like that. I cannot go to this building, these people, because he is there. I cannot go to my mother, because he is there. I cannot go to my father, because he is there. I cannot even go to my step parentās house because he is also there. No matter where I turn, he is there. He is invading my space, my people, my home, and I cannot survive like this - I am going to end up falling.
So, thatās why Iām leaving. Thatās why I donāt see what they mean when they say Iām leaving myĀ āsupport group.ā Itās not. Not anymore. Not when they question me as to why Iām not talking to him, why Iām not associating with him, why I wonāt even look at him, why I never go anywhere if I know he is going to be there, why even just thinking about it right now sends panic to my toes and my bones and Iām just---
Falling.
Letters Never Sent #2
It bothers me that whenever we see each other you stare at me and hope that Iāll speak with you. It bothers me that you follow me around when we are in the same vicinity in hopes of getting me alone to speak with me. It bothers me that you continue to ask me if I have time to talk because I mentioned once that maybe we should.
It bothers me because itās making me out to be a horrible person. It bothers me because if you stand there looking like a puppy dog like that all the time, people look at me like Iām doing something wrong. It bothers me that you are so concerned with your own discomfort that you are completely ignoring mine - stepping into my space, continually asking me if we can talk, continually standing awkwardly to the side in hopes that Iāll relent and sigh and say,Ā āOkay, fine we can talk.ā
I have spent the majority of my life bending to the will of others. I have spent so long attempting to make other people happy. Here is the one thing Iām not bending on, and Iām the horrible person.Ā āCome to the family BBQ - donāt let the fact that he is there stop you. Donāt let it rule you.ā Iām not letting anything rule me. Iām being self considerate. Iām being kind to myself because I know that if I step up and go to these meetings Iām going to be pressured into talking to you, pressured into coming up with a time that we can talk, pressured into accepting you back into my life.
Iām not doing that. Call me whatever you want, but Iām not doing that. Iām not letting you get away with bulldozing into my personal space and life again. You may be turning your life around, but that doesnāt mean you can just tear mine apart because you have some sort of misguided notion about what our relationship should be.
Please leave me alone.
What happened between us should never have happened. You know this. You knew this and you called me a liar and now you pretend not to know it, but you do. Iām certain that you do. The expression on your face when we talk - itās louder than your tentative footsteps around me. You want to be close with me and thatās not going to happen.
Family is going to talk. Family is already on your side. Everyone else has accepted you, you donāt need my acceptance to go on with your life. You have everyone else. You were out of the circle for a long time before circling back and butting your way into my territory again. Youāre talking with people Iāve been trying to establish a good relationship with, youāre weaseling your way back into family gatherings and favor, and you donāt even see that youāre doing it.
So, you go on and take over this area and make friends and be friendly. They will never know what transpired between us because Iām no telling them. I could, you know. I could tell them. I could tell them and I could ruin any possibility of you being accepted here, but Iām not. I wonāt. Iāll suffer the looks of confusion and disapproval because people donāt understand why I donāt like you. Why Iāll never like you. Iāll suffer it and let you stay here because maybe thatās what you need right now. A safe place. A place to grow and nurture being a better person.
Iām leaving. Iām leaving and I hope that I can get far enough away from you, and him, and everyone else who has been sitting on me and pressuring me to be nicer. Iāve been nice. I could ruin you.
But I wonāt.
Because Iām a good sibling. Because Iām a nice person. Because my goal isnāt to make your life miserable, but make mine bearable.
I hope you live well. I hope you never remember what you did to me. I hope you never remember why I donāt speak to you.
Sincerely, The Girl Who Wonāt Forget
On a completely unrelated and strange note...
... I just played my belly as a drum and then grabbed whatever of it I could (THEREāS SOME THERE) and whispered, "I've gotta belleeeeehhhhhhhh...." This is why I don't have a boyfriend.
Letters Never Sent #1
To My Teacher, Sometimes I wonder if you knew. I mean, sometimes I really wonder if you knew what was going on, and thatās why you moved my desk to the front of the classroom. Not just to keep me safe, but to also keep an eye on me. I was young, I didnāt understand, I didnāt want anyone to know, but now I wonder if you did. Sometimes I wonder if thatās why you signed me up for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. Was it because you knew something was going on, but you couldnāt quite place it? You know, my last good year was 2nd Grade. I donāt really remember that grade, but I do remember doing well. Donāt have a choice there. Not when I had my report card posted on the fridge and a daily lecture about how I was just lazy for not keeping up the grades. Sometimes I wonder if you didnāt know. I wish I had the courage to look at you and ask,Ā āDid you know? Why didnāt you say something? Why didnāt you do something?ā But then I remember, that as a teacher, you didnāt have much of a choice. Thereās only a small amount of room you have to move, and one false move could have ruined everything. Sometimes I wonder if you know how absolutely mortified I am. The things I resorted to. In the classroom. How absolutely terrified I am that you knew and thought of me as disgusting. Because you were always important to me. You always shine as the best teacher I ever had, because no matter what, you were always kind. I loved that you read to us on a daily basis. I loved that you were so quirky and fun. I loved that you never said anything negative to me. I love that I learned how to spell beautiful because I learned how to spell your name first. I still wonder. Did you know? Were you aware? Because that was the year everything started going downhill, and the only thing that kept me going was knowing that I had a safe place to go. Your classroom was safe. You made a difference. You might not know it, but you did. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Happy Independence Day from Texts From Superheroes.
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PTSDrama
Have an appointment to help manage PTSD. Had a small anxiety attack last night brought on by comments made by a family member. When someone you love has PTSD, donāt tell them theyāre just looking for attention. Or that theyāre addicted to drama. Or that maybe they need to go back to Sicily and take care of themselves (especially not when said loved one is taking care of another family member). Also donāt pepper the conversation with,Ā āIām not judging, Iām not accusing, Iām not saying youĀ do this, BUTā Because the first statement is wiped out, and the only thing heard is theĀ āBUT.ā Just a helpful hint.
Fear
Sometimes the best place to look for something to fear is within ourselves.
Just look at all the violence in the world.
You have the capacity to be like that.
To be feared.
The true test of strength isnāt in how much you can lift, or bench, or throw. It isnāt in how many people youāve beaten with your wit, or your knowledge.
Itās in how well you can hold back the nature and tendencies that linger within us all.
So, how strong are you?
