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i rarely post hello icon by willobark / header by sporkspagel

[mcromwell]

"The Freed Minotaur" 9"x12" acrylic on canvas

You don't have to be trapped because of your body any longer.

Get the original painting here.

[sami--onley11]

If you can't find me on Tumblr, forgive me, I might die these days. Every day gets worse than the day before. Some money can make me live in peace....

Share and share thank you all

[sami--onley11]

Please like and share

[crimzclover]

you know what's an awful scam is the whole idea that buying things and constant distraction are kinds of self care

[embodiedfutures]

you’ve been traumatized into hating reading (and it makes you easier to oppress).

i was not going to publish this essay because i don’t like to yell but here the fuck i am.

[embodiedfutures]

[embodiedfutures]

[embodiedfutures]

[embodiedfutures]

[shitbrainratface]

I've never seen anyone talk about this like this. Most people I know laugh at the idea that you can be traumatized into hating reading.

"You can't brute force your way through a trauma response" really hit me. I went to the library recently because I wanted to finally get better at reading. As I attempted, I couldn't process any of the words and I struggled a lot to not break down into tears. I can't remember if I eventually told anyone, but I was too ashamed to say anything to the people I went with.

I decided to time myself when reading this. And just the screenshotted stuff. It took me 40 minutes to read it. And it will take me another 40 minutes to fully understand it, because when I read I have to reread times (and make notes) to remember even just pieces of what was said (you dont understand, a lot of people need to reread to fully understand. When I am done reading, my mind it blank and I don't remember any of what was written - not the facts, not the jokes, not anything.) I usually have to reread twice. Taking two and a half out hours of my day to do something that exhausts me and brings me no joy when existence in general is exhausting - I just never did it because I was always burnt out anyways from getting up, from breathing, from being around people or from being alone. And I assumed it was just something wrong with me. But knowing the system is designed like this on purpose, I feel relieved and also even more deafeated. Because I think this genuinely confirms that I will need some kind of accommodation if I'm going to want to read and actually remember/learn what I read.

This was really good to read because even though I am burnt out, it was worth it. It validated that there really is a system that made reading traumatizing on purpose, and it wasn't just my fault for hating reading as a child. It also made me feel kind of powerless, and a lot of shame for feeling that powetlessness bc I assume people are going to think my lack of reading is just some excuse, but thats more for me to deal with and not an issue with the author.

[roach-works]

it's nice to have someone validate that reading is hard, and to explain that it is hard because it is exercise. if you do it more, you'll get stronger.

[urgetocreate]

Hsieh Tong-liang (Taiwanese b. 1949), Cannot Let Go, 2001, Bronze

[crimzclover]

well now my grandma is sick in the hospital and we might be taking in my brother sooner than i thought

three years ago my mom asked if i would take care of him when she dies and i said yes

i dont know how capable i am of providing for someone with very high support needs if im barely hanging on myself, but my parents are incapable of taking care of anything and cant even stand being around him for too long

all the times i tried to talk to them which eventually turned into arguing was all time wasted, because they have power over him and over me and they don't care

so much yelling and its all for nothing and in the end he gets nothing but treated like less than human

and my dad can just do whatever he wants now because he totally broke my mom. he knows that i know that anything i do against this will just make her trust him more. because hes a rotten violent misogynist

[animentality]

[crimzclover]

i think this month i will give myself a new stick and poke

[himarudolf]

The Words You Say

A commune of Homo floresiensis on the beach of Flores island 75.000 years ago.

[crimzclover]

yknow what makes people even more susceptible to being mistreated than having low self esteem, is being raised to deny what you’re feeling

and having people you trust repeatedly reinforce the message that you can’t trust your body and the facts of what you’ve experienced. Having your low self esteem reinforced when you’re betrayed by your closest family and friends. And being gaslit by healthcare workers

I don’t really believe in the sanity of anyone who’s willing to pretend that domestic abuse isn’t happening, especially when they used to actually care. Or of mental healthcare workers who say they’re trauma informed but aren’t

[rydengg]

it's so funny to be an adult with parents who were often verbally combative because like... what do you mean you needed to have the last word against a 9 year old???? like i love analyzing old arguments and realizing "that was 32 year old man arguing with a child" and... i am 31 and could not picture myself doing the same thing which is very reassuring that i'm doing ok

[indouscurse]

i need pepple to understand that in the first place leather has always been made from the byproducts of butchering animals for meat, otherwise the skin is just tossed and unused. there were some companies farming for leather for a while, particuarly alligator leather, but those were not the norm. peta did so much harm in their campaigns against leather as a concept (its not unethical. yoi get the skin when an animal dies. thats why most leather clothes in the usa are cow leather, bc thats the biggest meat animal here) that its almost impossible to buy anything "leather" that isnt made of plastic that it so fragile and shitty that the very Thread Holding It Together rips the fibers apart. it will last for maybe a year two if youre lucky, and wont biodegrade and was made out of something that isnt naturally occurring in the first place and is one of the biggest causes of pollution globally

[indouscurse]

i do not care if you personally think nobody should slaughter or eat animals, it is Going to happen anyway. you cannot be so obtuse thst you think making more plastic that causes pollution endless damage to the animals you claim to care about so much is better than omnivorous human beings eating other animals and using their bodies completely.

[whereserpentswalk]

All peta did was help normalize certain materials becoming luxuries while the standard became a cheap fragile alternative.

[crimzclover]

[crimzclover]

Idk why im posting this maybe itll help somehow to get it out but these messages have been weighing on me for the past few months

This hurts so bad man

This used to be my best friend. I used to admire him and think he was smart and very caring, he was there for me so much. He introduced me to psychedelics. I know I went way too easy on him but he doesnt even know how much time ive spent worried about his mortality, and that thats the only reason ive held off from responding (because tbh all he deserves is a big FUCK OFF and to be told not to talk to people like this). I dont wanna lose him, i already seen how his body and his mental state have deteriorated and i dont want him to get hurt

But he doesnt respect other peoples boundaries, sexually or emotionally, and he has the gall i guess to frame whatever this is as him setting his own "BOUNDARIES". "I need people who love me and are here for me as i am for them" is so sick to hear from this person specifically. I love him so much, but i dont want to be his girlfriend or his mommy or an enabler, which is what it seems like he really wants. i want to be a FRIEND. That he could tell me he's losing himself caring for others too much, while showing me exactly how little he cares about people's feelings, is really something

Logically picking apart the things he says is kinda pointless because he was definitely really drunk and high when he sent me these. He seems genuinely confused like he thinks we're dating or something

I deserved better than this lmao

[crimzclover]

I cant fucking take it anymore i cant move to a strangers house or move to wisconsin or stay in this place

[crimzclover]

I have to stay with my parents until they die and my only reason to live is to take responsibility for their son, their cats, their plants and everything else theyre too irresponsible and selfish to ever think about for more than 2 seconds let alone properly care for

[crimzclover]

How do you actually build a new social support system when you have no friends and honestly so exhausted and just want to fucking die lol

Nobody really wants to like make friends with a stranger who is severely mentally ill and unhappy most of the time and im so fucking exhausted of trying to be the most positive and productive and hopeful as i can be, i feel like a broken light bulb, i wany to kill myself

Ive met so many cool people too but those are like just fleeting casual moments

Therapist be like "go to your social support system!!"

Support system be like "go to your therapist!"

Meanwgile im like experiencing the unseen horrors in my family and very conscious of it but its ok!! I have a special alter whose function is to make me more socially acceptable and be very attached and CONSTANTLY LITERALLY, ACTUALLY, CONSTANTLY scared shes gonna die and keep me living with my parents until they both die