BatJokes: The Kiss Button
Okay, so: I have this weird head canon where all the versions of Joker are so nuts they can actually talk to each other, regardless of what world/universe they’re in, via mirrors—meaning they sometimes see each other instead of their own reflections. What this means is: they can actually have whole conversations with themselves each other in, say, their make-up mirror or the glass wall of their cell in Arkham for, literally, any reason. As a result: sod like this happens.
Partly inspired by this beautiful photo set drawn by the epic @doctorhojo; go see and love it all!
Arkham Origins Joker: I think the BatJokes fanbase is getting out of hand.
90’s Animated Joker: Whaaaaat? I thought you LIKED that?
Arkham Origins Joker: I DID. [pouts] Right up until they made a fizzing KISS BUTTON.
Jared Leto Joker: Uuuuuh, what??
90’s Animated Joker: KISS BUTTON?!
Heath Ledger Joker: [wants to say something but is actually being beaten up by BaleBat and only privy to this because he can see it happening in the windows of their “interrogation” room] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
90’s Animated Joker: What the Happy do you mean: Kiss Button?!
Arkham Origins Joker: [looking snippy and scared] I mean a literal kiss button!
[All other Jokers present, including Heath Ledger’s, look at the Arkham Origins Joker incredulously; he shrinks]
Lego Movie Joker: … [sighs and rests his claw-hand against the full-length (non-funhouse) mirror of his room (in the hideout of his world); for the moment, he seems rather motherly] Lethal, sweetie, breathe.
[Arkham Origins Joker—Lethal, as he’s been nicknamed due to a copyright issue in his ‘verse that ironically renames two very popular fighting games as Lethal Combat and Mortal League—breathes deep]
Lego Movie Joker: Good, good. Now: from the top; go.
Arkham Origins Joker: [nods and swallows nervously] Okay, so… [fidgets] [flails] [frustrated] I was with Batman—my Batman—and we were arguing. Everything was normal! NORMAL!
[90’s Animated Joker casually—very casually, mind—taps the surface of his vanity’s mirror (in his hideout in his own world) to prevent Lethal from spiraling into a loop: game-verse Jokers are prone to that as games can be glitchy]
Arkahm Origins Joker: (Thanks.) Right up until the Bat flings me into a wall (and drama that was so hot) and I wang my head.
Arkham Origins Joker: Yea. So, like, my reality breaks and I’m suddenly seeing all of the dramatic dialogue things again and—and… [looks conflicted; struggles for proper wording; deflates; sighs; is dejected] … I saw one… It said Kiss the Bat and Win the Game.
Lego Movie Joker: … [worried; softly] What happened?
Arkham Origins Joker: … I tried to press it. [suddenly looks frustrated, angry, and hurt] I tried to press it and it didn’t work! I wasn’t close enough— [grabbing his hair] At least, that’s what I thought— [tearing up] So I— … I tried… to shoot it. [collapses in his cell and refuses to look up into the disappointed, disgusted, and disapproving faces of his other selves in his cell’s window-wall; dejected]
Heath Ledger Joker: [calmly, gently, almost motherly] And then what happened? [ignores BaleBat looking at him incredulously; smiles insanely to keep him quiet]
Arkham Origins Joker: … I shot the man behind the Bat.
[a unified gasp of sympathetic horror permeates the room er mirrors no worlds?; they all know Lethal’s Bat didn’t take kindly to that (as theirs wouldn’t either)]
90’s Animated Joker: [awkward but sincere] I… I’m sure he knows you didn’t mean anything by that…
Arkham Origins Joker: [laughs brokenly] And then I shot the second guy—also behind him. [hears the ringing of the other Jokers’ silence through the glass wall and hiccups so he doesn’t sob] I kept trying. I saw my bullets going through the dramatic thing but I KEPT TRYING. [sniffles] I just wanted to kiss him…
Tell Tale Joker: … That happened to me… [blushes as Lethal looks up, hopeful] N-not with Batman! N-no… Wi-with Bruce-ie… [blushes harder] I was… I was just so happy. I was with him, riding an adrenaline high, and I just… I told him I thought I was in love… [shrinks into a dried tomato under the other Jokers’ stares] … He… [covers his face] He asked if it was HIM that I was… A-and I—I WANTED to say yes! I did! I wanted—still want—to be honest with him! But… [looks at the ground] I got scared… I looked for the dialogue options—tried to find the best way to-to… [sighs] I-I couldn’t. I couldn’t see ANYTHING. There were no leads, no hints, no… anything. I tried to hack my own fizzing game—for a yes, a kiss, a HUG; anything! [dejected] But… there was nothing.
Jared Leto Joker: … [licks the top row of his metaled teeth—his nervous twitch] What happened?
Tell Tale Joker: [jolts having almost forgotten they were there] O-o! Uh… [chuckles sheepishly] I uh… lied… Told him no, it wasn’t him; that I just… wanted to be friends… [tearful] I’m such chicken feed, guys!
Arkham Origins Joker: Me too! [sniffles and sobs once] I break the rules—we all fizzing do!—all the time! I’ve never needed a BUTTON to go off script before! But—this one time! Just because it was THERE! Just because it was PROOF! The Fans WANTED It! [crying now; ignores the guard that’s laughing at him; curls into himself; hurting] I just wanted to kiss you, Batsy…
[They all, suddenly not for the first time, wish they could hug each other—or, at the very least, comfort the versions of themselves that are crying in some way.]
This ended up WAY more depressing than I originally intended; but, I think, that’s a fair reflection of them: I honestly think that, when people aren’t looking, Joker’s a lot sadder than he lets on. This might just be because it’s December and Christmas is coming up, tho: I always thought that, although All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey is commonly seen as the BatJokes Christmas song of choice, Last Christmas by Wham! would be more fitting for them; this is mainly because Batman is always breaking Joker’s heart, tossing it to Arkham or Harley Quinn, and [just—ugh!] always making a fool out of him; and, no matter how many times this happens, Joker keeps gifting his heart back to his Bat to be broken again and again; and, once you add Bruce Wayne… well, he’d be the someone special, I think, because he isn’t actually a playboy, is actually very kind and caring, and isn’t bound by the stigma of vigilante/villain like Batman. He IS still Batman, though, so… I don’t know. Maybe I just want to see/read Batman finally breaking Joker down one Christmas and Bruce Wayne swinging by Arkham to pick up the pieces. (♦´. ‸ .`)
EDIT: This head canon is now an in-progress series!
The series itself can be found under the tag #Joking Mirrors.
However, feel free to keep an eye out for its partner/parent tag #Joker talks to himself because that is what I will be using to mark any post in which this head canon still appears!
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