Album Review - The Chainsmokers - Memories...Do Not Open
This is pop music for people who think of themselves with more depth than pop music. This isn't a reflection on the band (it kind of is) but rather is an example of what truly popular, widely-accepted music sounds like. It sound: pretty good. It doesn't sound like there is a single, real, analogue instrument on this record, but I suppose there doesn't need to be for something to be good.
You'll have to forgive me. There was this drunk, moderately attractive girl at the last open mic I went to and she was out on the patio (not on stage) singing a Chainsmokers song a Capella (I forget which one)--just broke out into song in a big group of people while we were all trying to have a conversation. The level of attention, amazement, wonder, and acclaim being lauded on her by poor sex-starved dudes wanting to get a chance to go home with her was...a little embarrassing.
Sorry--back to the record.
There are high profile guests on the record (Coldplay, The Florida Georgia Line? Gross). Honestly, there are some redeeming moments (the Coldplay song isn't that bad)--but the sound (the actual sonic quality of the sound of instruments and production) is pretty stale and uninspiring--just like the people who would interrupt a conversation in a large group of people by busting out into a Capella singing.
This is an album for drunk twenty-something year-old women riding in the back of an Uber from the club who really feel the depth of their emotions. A lot of the songs are overly-dramatic, probably like the people who like to listen to them. I'm listening to the record as I write this and I just can't wait for it to be over. I'm going to go cleanse my aural palate on some Lady Gaga---anything but this 300-calorie frozen meal of a record.
Jesus Christ this record goes one forever. I'm listening to "It Won't Kill Ya" and I think it just might. I think the chorus goes something like:
Oooh, dance with me, it won't kill ya. And one for the road, dance with me, it won't kill ya.
I think the song is about some dude dancing with another girl at the club and this girl is (I guess) singing the song wants this guy to dance with her before he goes because it won't kill ya? Barf.
I think what bothers me also is the repeated references to modern culture that show just how vapid and terrible we all are (myself included). I'm listening to "Paris." It's the song after the one I just wrote about. This song is annoying too. I think they are singing about study-abroad? There's also a lot of auto-tune going on here. What the in fuck is up with all this goddamn auto-tune?
Towards the latter half of the album, there's a lot of spoken-word bits at the end and beginnings of the songs. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about that.
I'm listening to "Wake Up Alone." I guess this is just a 21st century version "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow." I've got a guess why you wake up alone: whomever got drunk enough to go home with you regrets his decision and made a speedy exit because your life is probably a mess. And you probably have an annoying pet. And your apartment is decorated terribly.
Oh god, we're almost in the home stretch here. I feel like I've been listening to this record all day. Is that where we are at? Are the most popular records now being programmed to sound like background music while you clean your apartment?
I'm listening to the song "Young," it's a got a robot-sounding voice effect during the chorus which kind of sounds cool.
Finally, we're on the last song "Last Day Alive." God I hope I don't have to listen to this type of music on the last day I'm alive. This sounds like a Killers rip off. This is the Florida Georgia Line song. I thought they were like a pop country band? I don't know. It all sounds bad, and boring, and just terrible. I wonder if anyone ever plays "air keys" while they are lip synching to this song--or maybe "air drum machine!"
Thank God it's over. Excuse me while I go shove screwdrivers in my ear.
