My Own Piece of Imaginary

What ever happened to playing with the box instead of the toy?

[crsteinberg]

Where

             Who comes trampling through a perfectly stable, dissociative dream like this one? Who wanders through a minefield of a mind like mine and sets up camp like it’s easy?              Who dares prove there was a way to love someone as dangerous as me? And touch my face like it was a downright joy.

Being in the same space as you, in the same time as you, seems like some miracle from a G-d I don’t always believe in.

             I came to you with baggage carrying my body and the way it moved through the world. Your beauty shattered my confidence, and I wondered if it was all a setup for some movie.              The beautiful, popular boy finds a project nerd to tokenize. But then you talked about tropes and practically wrote feminist essays in our text thread.

I had all but given up on the silly, high school notion of love and being loved like in a fairy tale, but here you are.

             I don’t always believe in myself, and without fail, you believe in me. I forget what I was saying, and I forget what you were saying, and I forget what day it is,              But you don’t seem to care.

Where did you come from?

             I didn’t know I held the record for convincing myself I knew what a muse was. I got very good at writing from trauma, though.              Just when I thought my mental well being would cure me of something to write about…

Here you are.

[crsteinberg]

Negative Stereotypes of Gender and Reinforcement of a Binary Gender System have been in place for a long time.

[crsteinberg]

And In Their Eyes I Wasn't Worth Anything But I Am

I abandoned my writing about two years ago.

I didn't want to admit it, but that's what happened.

I closed a door on something so big, an entire life,

And I didn't know how to restart with something.

In the effort to convince so many people to change,

Their perception of my name, and my soul, and my

Eyes. I closed my own. I almost lost myself in lies.

I was caught in the undertoe of my peers. I

Wasn't sure how to live without connection, I wasn't

Worth anything after asking so much of people.

Anything I said from that point on felt like a strain.

But straining to exist is painful. Standing up straight,

I finally understand there is a world to connect to. I

Am trying to reconnect to everything I am. And

I still have things to say. Doors to open.

I promised to use my voice to fix something.

I won't break my promises. I won't be afraid.

[crsteinberg]

There was strength in who you were, when you didn't feel strong.

You were Royalty, when you felt common.

You were a Super Hero, when you felt powerless.

You were the Brightest Star in the whole, damn sky, when you felt dim.

You were always amazing.

You may have been in the wrong shoes, or the wrong time.

You may have struggled for air, while everyone around you breathed free and clear.

You may still be struggling to achieve You.

But you are a force of kindness and love.

You can change your friend's frown, enough,

You can change your community, enough,

You can change yourself, enough,

And enough is all you need.

You are loved, even just distantly, and admired,

Like Royalty.

Like a Super Hero.

Like the Brightest Star.

Because you always are.

Keep being your wonderful, beautiful self.

You're doing enough.

[crsteinberg]

Today is National Coming Out Day!

Be gentle with your hearts today ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤

[crsteinberg]

Screaming into Air

The quiet is never there long enough to penetrate the noise.

The noise of your racing heart, and the noise of mine fighting to keep up.

The noise of your footsteps on the ground, while I'm tripping.

The noise of doors closing all around me, and the one I try to open screams.

It's opening. The hinges are rusted, but it's opening.

There's no part of me that believes in silence on the other side.

There's no ounce of "get better" left.

But there's an abundance of "when", stepping in for where my optimism used to stand.

When this is over, I will be ready for the next thing.

When this is over, it will be enough to just be grateful it's over.

I've learned why celebrations and holidays exist among the noise.

Without them, there would be no release. There would be no goal.

Every time we finish,

We have already started.

So when can we breathe?

That feeling of falling backwards won't stop.

You just have to fight through your lurching stomach,

Think through the muscle spasms,

Scream out the Anxiety,

Until all your screaming finally joins the noise,

And becomes a silence you just didn't understand was silent before.

Screaming joins the air.

I join the rest of the world.

[crsteinberg]

I disappeared for a long time, while I was finding my voice.

She told me to keep using it, and I failed a few times.

I said things I didn't mean.

I held grudges that weighed everything down.

I spoke carelessly.

I keep using it.

I washed up on a few shores unexpectedly.

She told me life does that, and life kept sucking me out to sea.

I learned to swim.

I started to enjoy the tide.

I floated.

I keep using it.

She told me a lot of things, and then she had to leave.

I lost my voice.

Suddenly I hear her say it's okay to scream.

"This is me."

I keep using it.

It helped me survive her disappearance.

[crsteinberg]

Who Was Here?

Who made the bed you laid in,

When the time came to step into the light?

Who dug the holes that you need to climb from?

Who tried to end the race before your finish line?

They say, "take responsibility",

They say, "you made your choice",

And they really urge you to regret yourself.

You only half made your bed, though.

You tossed and turned, restless for happiness.

You roused the body, and you stretched in the sun.

You fluffed the pillows.

You laid all night in a bed you didn't make.

You woke up sore.

You shook like an autumn tree in the morning,

And only coffee saved your sanity.

You pushed through the days,

And you only cried a few times.

(Or a lot, but who cares?)

You, and you alone, made it to tonight.

Tonight, you will make your own bed.

It'll be comfortable,

And you will wake up rested.

You fought the person you were,

And you are coming out better.

[crsteinberg]

Success

What does success look like?

Does it look like wrinkles in the corners of eyes,

Smiling for cameras aimed at gold letters on certificates?

Does it look like a warm bed at the end of a long night,

Grown cold from sleeplessness in one corner?

Does it look like the glow of a computer screen against bags,

Under eyes that wrinkle in the pictures of certificates?

Does it look like a scale reading ten pounds less than,

It did before a week of stress-induced vomiting and migraines?

Does it look like passing out?

I know what success looks like now,

But I'm not sure it's worth the pain.

[crsteinberg]

The Corner of the Bed

The corner of the bed, that touches both walls,

Is the warmest corner. It's the darkest,

Creepiest place, I guess. Because it's,

The place I'm most afraid to be.

The only time I'm there, is at the end,

Of every night, when it's time to battle,

Shadows. The evil things from yesterday,

The man in the hat. The coyote in the road.

All the broken cigarettes. Their owners.

Every time I sit here, I inevitably fall down,

Into that nightmare where I try to keep,

My feet on the steps but still fly off the stairs.

The corner so warm, I can't help but melt.

Seventy-two hours of sleeplessness settle in,

The bones. Jokers dance in the corners of my

Vision. The staircase lurches up from my

Nightmare and becomes reality. Heart,

Racing because I know I can't stop my

Descent. And I'll fly away from these steps

Whether I grab the rail, or try to lean back.

Like an anchor tied to my ankle in the water.

I'm terrified of flying, because I always fall.

In the end,

I still wake up in the corner of the bed.

[crsteinberg]

Happiness

As of a few weeks ago, I am out to everyone I know as a trans man.

I knew it would be relieving, but I didn't know how relieving it would be. My mind, which was always wrapped up in worry, is clear for the first time in twenty three years. I don't know if that's the testosterone (I just passed the three week mark), or if I'm just at peace right now.

My life was such a roller coaster, I was seriously considering if I had bpd. My counselor and I were trying to figure it out, but six months ago, when I came out to my parents and my friends, I entered the longest period of calm I've ever had.

I think this is what being happy feels like? And I wonder when the last time I felt like this was.

I don't say that to be depressing. Actually, I almost want to brag. Which I genuinely struggle with. I never thought I was good enough. I never thought I deserved to be happy.

But you know what?

I do deserve to be happy. Everybody deserves to be happy. Not at the expense of others, but if you just want to do you're own thing - do it! Be happy! Dive headfirst into all the tiny, happy moments in your life, because who knows how many moments we get? I don't. I wouldn't want to.

I'm just going to keep every happy moment I get so close to my heart that nothing else can penetrate.

It's okay to be happy. It really is. Brag about that sh**!

Be happy!

[crsteinberg]

Poems For My Own Courage #3

So we're here now.

All parts of being have come into one, and they finally agree to live in harmony.

Or so I thought.

Maybe my body forgot to check in with my mind again.

Who knows?

But my thoughts are finally settled, just in time for my body to become a prison.

That's okay.

We waited this long, so we can wait just a little bit longer.

[crsteinberg]

I've been thinking a lot about the impact my coming out is having on other people, while I wrestle with building my self esteem. I feel like all the doubts I have are blood in the water for anyone who doesn't want me to do this. That's two things against me: others' feelings, and others' reactions.

It's easy to say, "Don't worry about stupid people. The only person you need to worry about is you." But it's a lot harder to look your parent in the face, while their eyes shut down to process, and they start to fume. Maybe it only lasts a second, and never happens again, but it still, f***ing sucks.

They say, "You can't just spring this on me!", but it feels like you end up being the only person who has no time to process.

The parent gets to hear the news, then slowly warm up to the idea, maybe cut their kid out for a second, and finally choose if they'll stop being a jerk or not. Each stage of the process can take whatever amount of time the parent feels comfortable with.

The kid might spend years wondering how the parent will react, but any reaction outside of, "It's okay. I love you no matter what," will still be a surprise.

The one decision we should make only for our own happiness seems to draw a lot of advice from outside sources. I understand sharing experience, but spreading doubt like this reminds me of the part in Fern Gully (if you're younger than 16 you may want to insert Moana here), when everything was getting eaten up by darkness.

Why can't people just let other people be happy? Isn't happiness the goal in life? Why are people keeping other people from achieving their goals. It's not like those people are getting in the way or doing any harm.

"People," "people," "people."

Maybe I'm still dealing with some internalized transphobia (I only just learned what this was), but I want to ask my own "people" why they won't just let me be happy.

But when I try, it looks like it really hurts them.

Should happiness hurt people?

What counts as hurting people?

Don't people take college courses just to try and answer these questions?

There was a point under this mess of sentences, somewhere, I promise.

I don't get to prepare and process like the people I come out to, so maybe I do need to care a little bit less about how they feel. It's not that I don't respect them, but I have faith they'll come around. In the meantime, out of respect for this person who will one day be asking for my forgiveness, I don't think it's wrong of me to step back anymore.

One day they'll understand, but that day will only come if I ignore them right now.

Right?

[crsteinberg]

Poems for My Own Courage #2

I have to remind myself that pain is the only way to happiness in this case.

It feels like a hole in my chest,

But, at the same time, joyous light is bursting out of me.

I feel so happy (is that what it is?) when my armor chips,

And there's a new beam shining through; a vision of what could be.

And now that it will be, I'm finding it hard to embrace the light over the bits of my life that are falling away.

But I still think I can survive this.

Somehow, I have to.

[crsteinberg]

Poems for My Own Courage #1

What was I doing when I saw you standing next to me?

When all I wanted was to stand by you too?

When did I decide to leave you for my pride –

Because pride was just my word for self respect?

  What was I doing when I found out I was worth it?

[crsteinberg]

LGBT+ College Students

I'm currently conducting a survey for a future, nonprofit organization dedicated to assisting LGBT+ college students. In order to get things up and running, we need to collect data from a substantial number of people. We're doing this to make sure we're providing the best help we can. We don't need a name, or any identifying markers. We just need answers to the following, four questions:

On a scale from 1-10 (1 being poor, 10 being excellent), how well are LGBT+ students treated on your campus?

On a scale from 1-10 (1 being in danger, 10 being at ease), how safe do you feel on campus?

On a scale from 1-10 (1 being unsatisfactory, 10 being fantastic), how accessible are LGBT+ services (clubs, counseling, etc.) at your school? *If your school does not have LGBT+ services, please mark "0"*

On a scale from 1-10 (1 being unsatisfactory, 10 being pleased), how do you feel about your college's attitude towards its LGBT+ students?

We need to collect these statistics, so we can start changing some other statistics. High rates of suicide in our community, and high rates of violence against our community. We want to start educating the higher educated - the people in line to become our next politicians and great, social-influencers - so we can change things for the people who come after us.

​

In a few months, we will be launching a free service for LGBT+ college students. In truth, it's all starting from my laptop while I work, and go to college myself. For a long time, I've wrestled with the components of this organization. Nothing has fallen into place until now, and with some strong people beside me, I can finally put a dent in the unacceptably high suicide rates for people who are my age, dying in my community. The results of these surveys will be the backbone of our organization, and provide the evidence we need to silence with fact, those who would try to silence us with conjecture. If it succeeds, we'll be able to enact change for all the members of this community (both in college, and not).

​

Answering these surveys will help enough, but if you'd like to help more, feel free to contact me. We're always in need of allies, mentors, and students with ideas that can make this world better.

[crsteinberg]

tl;dr “Let people be who they want. They’re valid, and they’re sick of people questioning their validity.”